To find therapy totally overrated?

[HarryViles]

I would love to hear any positive stories.

I am struggling. Kids with additional needs. And a DH who isn't awful but he is like a kid himself and I feel worn down and resentful. I am the breadwinner and find DH like a lodger.

I keep going to therapy and we talk about me doing everything for others, sometimes we even talk about my dad and how angry and unpredictable he was.

But although feels good to talk in the moment - I leave and everything continues. I still can't see the way through and have spent nearly £1000 over the last year.

Can i just not find the right person? Am i expecting too much?

Last session they tried to make me do a pie chart of my "priorities" and I just felt like I was in some bloody team building exercise

Any tips?

OP I might be you. I did counselling years and years ago, someone good but I stopped as I wasn’t ready / couldn’t deal with the very poignant questions.

On the face of it I had a very normal, average childhood - except when I really think about it so many things about my family dynamic have hugely impacted me, how I deal with things and interact with people. It’s actually quite messed up what I normalised.

I now know all this so the next thing is what am I going to do about it. That bit is even scarier and I’m not there yet.

I suspect you know why you end up with men and that dynamic? I do. You just don’t have a therapist who challenges you and asks what you want or are going to do about it if you don’t like it?

You can’t keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. Changes need to be made too. Perhaps couples counselling? Sending many good wishes your way as you deserve to feel better 💐

It sounds like you might be looking for something like cognitive analytical therapy OP. You can read more about it and find locally trained therapists on the ACAT website. It's a wonderful therapy for those who want to explore relational stuff, to break patterns and do things differently.

It's definitely a case of finding the right kind of therapy and the right therapist! Or it may be that therapy just isn't for you. That doesn't mean it's your fault-therapy just doesn't work for everyone unfortunately! X

My first therapist was ok, made me see some things in a new light but I felt I had to guard myself with him. My next therapist slowed my world down. I had felt my world spinning faster and faster and after just a session or two it was back to a manageable speed.

I love therapy and I tell everyone they ought to try it

A therapist can help your perspective, see boundaries that need set, show you how to improve your sleep, help you gain self esteem, see abuse and help you apportion blame to the abuser and not yourself, encourage you to improve connections and start doing enjoyable things for yourself. They can calm you down and help rebuild you.

They can be ineffective and I don't personally think a psychologist is better than a psychotherapist but it does depend on the person. It's good to change them until you find the right one. You'll probably get something different but useful from each one you try.

They really are a mixed bag. I've had two when I had PND. The first one was absolutely terrible, when she told me I had a wonderful purple aura I sacked her. The second one was absolutely fantastic, took absolutely no bullshit, and probably saved my life. I found out a few years later she was considered to be the best in the area. So maybe you just aren't seeing the right person. Also you have to 'do the work' as they say, and its certainly no magic bullet. Good luck with it all, life can be very hard sometimes. I was lucky enough to make a complete recovery and haven't had a relapse in over twenty years.

I've had a lot of therapy and would really recommend finding someone who specialises in Schema Therapy.

Therapy can take a really long time to work, and there are always ups and downs on the way. It's normal to question the process - that is part of it. Speak to your therapist about how you are feeling.

You could read The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner - it was published a while ago but it had scenarios where you feel serously put upon - good read

It sounds like this is going to happen with the therapist as well.

I don't think therapy is for everyone.

I have therapy, and it is life changing, but I can think of two people in my close family that could be helped, but would not engage with a therapist.
One is a narcissist who wouldn't consider that they even need help.
The other is a childhood abusee survivor who has pushed everything so far down they would not want to undergo any talking that encourages them to examine the impact.

Therapy can be challenging, and you have to be prepared to do the homework. There is no point in talking about boundaries in therapy if you are not going to try to engage them in your everyday life.
Learning abut yourself alone can only go so far.
Work with a therapist can be far deeper. I have weekly Gestalt Therapy, hard work is done in relationship with my therapist.

Therapy can absolutely change your life and can impact everything- your own disregulation or dysfunction, your relationships, your work, where you live.

The OP is carrying the can in the family. She feels resentful, she is worn thin, coping with a child who has additional needs. Her OH isn't doing his share- she sounds tired and unhappy.

That situation can absolutely be changed by therapy.

I'm unfit, so I join a gym. I book a personal trainer. It's costing me a lot of money, but nothing changes. Somebody points out that I actually need to be getting on the machines or lifting the weights. At home, I need to go out for a walk instead of couch potatoing, eat an apple rather than chocolate cake, change my diet, shop differently, alter my habits. What??? Hell, no - why am I paying the gym membvership and the trainer???

That's how most people see therapy. They expect the therapist to fix them. Nope, doesn't work - ever. You have to face the challenge of changing yourself. Examine and understand how you relate to yourself and to the world; face up the pain you've experienced; accept the difficult challenge of modifying your behaviour when part of you is yelling to run away rather than brave your fear.

Deep therapeutic change is hard work. The question is: how hard are you prepared to work to change your life?

OP, how hard are you working in between sessions? Are you noticing how you're feeling and thinking in certain situations? Are you wondering why you think and feel that way? Are you seeing the patterns that repeat? Are you reflecting on how you might have behaved differently? What happens inside if you consider acting differently? What beliefs arise? You say you're a giver. What happens if you consider NOT giving? How do you feel? What do you believe will happen? What negative judgements about yourself appear? These are all things that should be under discussion in psychotherapy and that you should be doing in your everyday life in between sessions. If they're not under discussion then maybe find another therapist. If they are, then what are you doing to change?

Could you try couples therapy?

I'm a therapist and there are two parts to a session that scream out for me:

1. Giving you a chance to express your resentment to your partner (safe space - blah blah)

1. Making practical changes that we review week to week where chores/mental workload/work is balanced between you

A few sessions of that and if your partner refuses to make changes then you're much less STUCK - as you know where the exit is --->

I know you've been going a while but you're literally trying to undo a pattern you've spent a lifetime building

This I'm afraid.

Therapy has helped me unearth some deep issues I didn't know were there and process them. This in turn helped the maladaptive behaviours I was using to soothe them. But it's not failsafe and it's hard work.

If you're wanting it to make you feel happy about being overburdened or mistreated it simply won't. That's an external issue not an internal one.

Sorry just seen it's about relationships. Have you spoken about your childhood? Have they really dug deep?

You may need a psychotherapist.

Kind of agree, but I guess it depends on your expectations.

I went to therapy as a teen after an accident - forced by parents. In my mind they were going to to give the answers, but after the first session I realised they weren’t! I realised that I could have just done what I was doing with her with a supportive family member.
Basically, you tell them stuff in your head and they say it back to you in a different way to evoke a different perspective so you treat yourself with more kindness.

Don’t think I got much out of it, but therapist felt after a couple of months I didn’t need anymore treatment.

I don’t think I would use one again.

@harryviles Then you need counselling or psychotherapy. It takes a long time to work.
I went to therapy with one set of issues to unpick and ended up finding, and opening, the cans of worms that made me unhappy. Still dealing with it but am
much healthier, in myself, my behaviour towards myself and others and the choices I make. I’m on my third therapist, 5th year non consecutive

There are so many charlatans out there.
As a clinical psychologist myself, you need to make sure as a minimum, a psychologist is accredited with the HCPC and a counsellor or psychotherapist with the UKCP or BACP.

Gosh, I'd love a therapist. I'd feel so much better to have someone to vent to, a friend should only have to put up with so much.

@Feelingss a psychology degree is not required to train as a counsellor. not sure about psychotherapy training.

the title counsellor is also not protected so anyone can use, that’s why it’s important to find someone who is BACP registered. Then you know that person has done, at a minimum, a bunch of short ish courses of increasing complexity/build on each other

HCPC is only required for clinical psychologists

the title counsellor is also not protected so anyone can use, that’s why it’s important to find someone who is BACP registered. Then you know that person has done, at a minimum, a bunch of short ish courses of increasing complexity/build on each other

The BACP require a minimum of 450 hours direct teaching, so not a few short courses.

It’s not the theraphy.
It’s your home setting.
Talking is good, but if you just keep on going back home, continue to do most of it, feel resentfull, of course your going to feel like crap.
You have to change stuff at home.
Venting helps, yes, but then you have to, and get your husband too, do the work.
Or leave him.

Saw a counsellor years ago when I had bad depression. He was excellent.
More recently another very low spell, mentally and physically - GP put me forward for phone counselling. One session was enough. She meant well, but it didn't work for me.
Then someone suggested hypnotherapy - and it's been a lifechanger. I'm a different person now. There are no doubt good ones and not so good ones - I hit the jackpot with my hypnotherapist. I was given the tools to deal with my problems and am continuing to use them, working with my subconscious. It's not a magic cure like an antibiotic which kills an infection. It's an ongoing thing which becomes a habit and part of everyday life.

I am wondering if there’s something in this message. Often in therapy you will mimic what’s happening in your life. Could it be possible that your annoyance with your husband/men is playing out with the therapist too? In terms of people pleasing and then resenting them/the therapy?

Whatever is happening I would speak to the therapist about how you feel in therapy, this might open up a conversation about what is happening. PPs are right, the therapist can’t change your life but they can help you understand why you feel the way you feel and from that you hopefully would get to a place of change.