To find therapy totally overrated?

[HarryViles]

I would love to hear any positive stories.

I am struggling. Kids with additional needs. And a DH who isn't awful but he is like a kid himself and I feel worn down and resentful. I am the breadwinner and find DH like a lodger.

I keep going to therapy and we talk about me doing everything for others, sometimes we even talk about my dad and how angry and unpredictable he was.

But although feels good to talk in the moment - I leave and everything continues. I still can't see the way through and have spent nearly £1000 over the last year.

Can i just not find the right person? Am i expecting too much?

Last session they tried to make me do a pie chart of my "priorities" and I just felt like I was in some bloody team building exercise

Any tips?

I feel like I've tried every therapist and every type of therapy. Some have made me worse. Some have been ok but none really helped me.

This. Therapy isn’t about making your life less shit, it’s about helping you connect with yourself, your true needs wants and desires, and helping you see your way to getting there, however that looks for you, in the here and now.

I love therapy. Saying that, I think it’s important to do the work in reasonable chunks. It’s ok to take a rest and digest what you’re doing. A good therapist will talk through your concerns with you and discuss ending, too. Just bring up how you’re feeling with them.

I found therapy helpful along with my own research. I initially worked with an energy healer who works on releasing past trauma by going back to it. That was intense but life changing. I also worked with a cbt therapist who helped me to realise the negative behavioural patterns I learnt growing up and how it was effecting my life. I went on introductory day recently to see if I felt equine therapy would work and I’ve decided to train in it. I think you’ve got to find the right therapy for you, perhaps if there’s no trauma to work through you might be better off spending the time/money on a hobbie you love? That’s therapeutic

I have had 4 therapists. 1 shit told me I’d be at fault if my abuser abused someone else. 1 lovely but wouldn’t be someone I would go to long term but was excellent for a short period of time I was in crisis. 1 other pretty shit but ok I guess just not for me and 1 absolutely amazing, he has saved my life. I saw him weekly for over a year and then more recently I see him every 3 months and he has been an absolute life line.

I would hope that everyone practicing would have a minimum of a psychology degree and further training!!
i would say check the quals of the person you are seeing, they should be BACP registered or HCPC registered or at minimum be supervised by someone who is (if they are still training)
trainees are generally good as they have more time and space to think about you 😊

The therapy might help you understand why you do things, but if you don’t actually change things then just understanding why, isn’t going to help.

If you keep on doing the same things at home, then you can’t expect anything to change. What physical changes can you make to make life easier?

Therapy can be life changing.
I have discovered a great deal about myself, and learned ways to live a joyful life. I see a therapist once a week
Many of us have maladaptive processes, often stemming from childhood.

Therapy allows me to untangle threads and learn healthier ways of dealing with life. It isn't work I could do on my own.

Good therapy with the right person can be absolutely life changing, they can’t make a shit situation better but can help you find your way out of a shit situation. It sounds like you recognise a pattern in your relationships - a psychodynamic or humanistic therapist would help you figure out where that pattern comes from and what you want to change. CBT is more about tools and strategies which doesn’t seem like what you’re after.

I generally suggest people try a therapist out, if you don’t see any benefit after a few sessions change and try someone else. You’ll find the right fit - and therapy is one place where a good fit is essential. I found a fantastic person for me and the work we did changed every part of my life for the better, it was very hard going and I did a lot of work on myself between sessions but it’s honestly the best money I’ve ever spent.

I would hope that everyone practicing would have a minimum of a psychology degree and further training!!

A psychology degree isn’t the training route for a psychotherapist, they’re different disciplines with very different training processes.

All a therapist can really do is help you see what's happened and what changes you can make. They don't have a magic wand and can't make changes for you. They can't stop all you are going through. Only you can do that OP

I know 🙂 I’m currently in my clinical training at present. I think that’s one of the things that makes it so tricky though is that it can be difficult from the outside for people to understand who’s done what and appropriately trained etc

OP a therapist should be guiding you through issues in your life.

Why are you with an unsupportive man?
Can you set boundaries, why do you set your bar low, how is your self esteem, do you have codependancy issues and if so why.

All stuff you can explore in therapy.

I have seen seven in my life and one was life changing. One other was good and the rest didn’t help at all. It is very hit and miss.

I know 🙂 I’m currently in my clinical training at present.

Im confused then about why you said you’d hope the therapist would have a minimum of a psychology degree? Particularly given an BA/BSc in psychology isn’t a clinical qualification.

I'm a therapist myself. So a bit biased. It has worked for me.
I have seen 3 therapists for about 3 years each at various times in my life. None of it was dramatic with huge quick results, but all were helpful in different ways and the cumulative effect has helped me deal with a lot of issues and recurrent depression.
It's slow and painstaking.
I suggest you talk about how you feel with the therapist. That can be really powerful. If you don't want worksheets or pie charts then you need to say so.
A type of therapy called DIT - dynamic interpersonal therapy - is very good for the kind of problems you describe OP.

Having therapy changed my life, I have had bad experiences with crap therapists but well qualified, experienced specialists can improve your life beyond measure.

Whilst in therapy for the first time, I had a number of random people comment on how “self aware” I was. It really did open my eyes.

I've seen 4/5 different therapists.

The first, when I was 16, essentially told me that I didn't need to deal with my feelings about the abuse I had suffered. I'm not sure of this was useful at the time or not. My issues around the abuse I suffered resurfaced repeatedly but I'm not sure if I was ready to deal with the emotions then.

The second, when I was 25, repeatedly told me that I needed to do something I didn't want to and in fact something that would have put me back in an emotionally damaging place. I then had CBT, which many people find helpful, and I understand why, but at the time it was completely wrong for me. I also saw a 'life coach' who had their own agenda and was no help at all.

Finally at the age of 30, I had a mental health crisis. I ended up seeing two therapists. One was on the NHS and they gave me a limit of 6 sessions. The therapist actually listened to me and understood the complexity of issues I was dealing with. So much so that they gave me 12 sessions and then offered me various options about how to continue therapy. I then started seeing a different therapist, who I saw for 3 and a half years. She completely transformed my life but it did take time.

The point being, you may well not have found the right therapist for you. It's a relationship like any other - you have to build it and invest in it. If you don't like what's happening in your sessions, it doesn't necessarily mean therapy isn't right for you.

I get that some people don't like the idea of 'homework' and I can't say that my helpful therapists ever gave me a worksheet or anything like that. However, I think it's still a type of 'homework' to go away and reflect on the conversations you've had or to think about things from the week that you'd like to discuss in the next session. For therapy to be successful, YOU have to take it outside the therapy room otherwise you're just compartmentalising.

Lastly, you have to be invested in making the changes that you can. A therapist can't fix your problems, they can only help you learn to manage them differently/better. However, if you have no intention of changing your behaviour or thought processes, you are wasting your money.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do next. I hope life starts to get easier.

I think there is a trend these days to see 'therapy' as the solution to everything, and it's not. It's the go to when everything else is so broken, that it's the only solution offered and in some cases it can make things worse because of course in doesn't solve a lot of practical problems. E.g. talking about not having enough money isn't going to help you have more money (the opposite if you're paying for it yourself).

I've had therapy several times and in only one case did it help (and even then not much) - and that was in relation to a specific problem (grief). Really it was mostly just helpful in that I had someone to talk to outside of my normal life.

In terms of therapy being offered / suggested inappropriately, I have a friend who is severely disabled and in constant pain. She needs an operation that would ease her symptoms. She is on a 3 year waiting list. The NHS have sent her to counselling. She is depressed, but the reason she is depressed is that she's in constant pain and on a 3 year waiting list. It seems to me an earlier operation would be much more useful than therapy and no matter how much therapy, it's not going to change the constant, horrendous pain she has and the pain medication she has to take daily to (try and) manage the pain, which has significant side effects. There's nothing she can do about any of that. I'd argue she'd be better off with really decent physio, acupuncture, some kind of water-based physio (being in water eases the pain but she can't swim and finds getting in and out of public swimming pools or changed by herself basically impossible - so some kind of support doing this and a private area in a pool where she's not going to be jostled etc). There is so much they could be doing that might actually help her ease the chronic pain but no it's 'you're depressed' and off to a therapist. What a waste of money.

OP, I think the big problem here is you do have too much on, like many women. I wonder if the time spent in therapy might be better spent giving yourself a real break and doing something you really enjoy? Your H doesn't seem to contribute much, and therapy isn't going to change him. Your choices there are try and get him to contribute more, leave him or accept this is the way it is and work around him. What I would say is you absolutely shouldn't be doing anything for him that he can do himself (so no laundry, cooking etc if he doesn't pull his weight). However, sometimes easier said than done, I know myself from experience.

£1000 would give you a decent holiday. Do you think a proper break might do you more good than talking about things with a therapist?

A therapist can't change your life - they help you change it.

If you're going in there and realising why you do everything for everyone and then coming out and not putting work in to try and change that, you won't get results. As PPs have said, the work comes from you - they're just there to guide you.

Putting boundaries in for yourself with the support of your therapist and then sticking to them is what will change your life. Not doing everything for DH even when it feels impossible or scary or like things will go wrong is what will make it habit and change how you think. Letting yourself be scared of doing things differently but doing them differently is what will shift your mindset. Your therapist is there to help you unpick those patterns of behaviour but you have to change them.

Stuff like the priorities pie chart will have been to get you to see where you place yourself on the priority list and talk about how you can put yourself higher (i.e. not put everyone else's needs above yours). If the modality they're using isn't working for you, definitely try someone else - you have to gel with your therapist for it to work well! - but maybe it's worth reflecting on whether you're making changes outside of the therapy room or whether you're hoping talking about it will fix things without you having to do the scary part, which is doing things differently.

The only therapist I ever saw who was any good was a qualified clinical psychologist- she was really great. Have seen two therapists (both well qualified and registered) who I found completely unhelpful to the point that I felt vaguely embarrassed for them. I’ve found reading (both psychology stuff and fiction) gave me far greater insights.

Ultimately, however, the only person who has the answers is you. From your post I wonder whether you might also think again about your questions, wonder whether some more focus on whether you need to make practical changes might yield more results.

I've had both good and bad therapists and honestly the difference is like night and day.

My current therapist is a real force for change in my life, managing to be validating and dole out the tough love at the same time. He pushes me to make positive changes, always asking why. Why can't I take up a sport that I'm really too fat for? You'll lose weight once you start, do the lessons. Why can't I make more friends? Join the class, you'll make friends once you're there. And he has so far been right.

He encourages me to set boundaries and enforce them. Tells me that I am being perfectly reasonable and not to fall for guilt trips.

Previous ones have been crap. One had an obsession with jars. She wanted me to make big decisions by writing them on bits of paper and pulling them out of jars. Like I was really going to quit my job and end a relationship because that was what came out of the jar.

I think therapy with the right person can be really helpful but it has to be the right person and you also have to be ready to accept and if necessary act on what you learn about yourself. I have just started therapy after decades of thinking I didn't need it and it was not for me. And I have found it helpful, it has helped me clarify things in my head and it's calming to talk through things with someone who really listens and doesn't just chime in with their issues and experiences. I think I still have a long way to go but it is helping me to cope with difficulties in my life and look at things from a different perspective. I would say don't give up on the idea that therapy can help just yet.

I don't think wanting to know "why" is very helpful though. Thinking instead of feeling. Talking instead of doing. You probably want to solve some problems? Take action towards improving your life, feeling happier or achieving lasting change for the better e.g. reducing clutter, setting clearer boundaries in your relationships? A life coaching approach would be more valuable?

@HarryViles

I talk to the mirror so to speak, alot cheaper and eventually it helps

Agree with this. “Why do I keep ending up with guys like this” seems like a question for if you were between relationships. You’re married with kids so presumably unless you’re planning to get divorced you won’t be ending up with any more guys like anything. Maybe asking “why” has been a way to avoid thinking about the harder questions, like “what do I do now?”