To find therapy totally overrated?

[HarryViles]

I would love to hear any positive stories.

I am struggling. Kids with additional needs. And a DH who isn't awful but he is like a kid himself and I feel worn down and resentful. I am the breadwinner and find DH like a lodger.

I keep going to therapy and we talk about me doing everything for others, sometimes we even talk about my dad and how angry and unpredictable he was.

But although feels good to talk in the moment - I leave and everything continues. I still can't see the way through and have spent nearly £1000 over the last year.

Can i just not find the right person? Am i expecting too much?

Last session they tried to make me do a pie chart of my "priorities" and I just felt like I was in some bloody team building exercise

Any tips?

@HarryViles sorry meant to reply to your update but somehow didn’t!

The two I've been to, between them, told me I was a good person, said how exciting something in my life was that really wasn't and was a mega source of drama at the time and proceeded to tell me their problems with their divorce etc.

Utterly pointless.

@HarryViles I’ve not read this whole thread but I read your other about your DS. That in itself is a lot to cope with and process.

I just wanted to say that you are not at all unreasonable for finding therapy overrated, nor for being unenthused about the priorities chart. Not all therapy works well for everyone.

Because of my own experience as a parent of DC with additional needs I wanted to ask whether you’ve considered how those suspected diagnoses might relate to yourself or to the DC’s dad? That might help you to understand something about your own relationship dynamics and about your experience of therapy.

Everyone who's saying 'you need to find the right therapist' sort of assumes a bottomless pit of money which I'm assuming OP, like most people, doesn't have.

How much would it cost to have endless first / second appointments until you find someone who can really help?

I think my take away from this is that therapy needs better regulation.

I also wonder given OP has kids with additional needs whether spending the next £1000 to be spent on therapy on some help for those children - perhaps providing some respite for OP from doing everything - might be money better spent?

It seems to me that OP has too much to do, and spending money on giving OP a bit more down time and feeling less overwhelmed might be a better use of money.

Everyone on this thread who's had therapy help them has talked about 'doing the work yourself' or some variant. I don't think OP is in a position to take on more 'work'. Obviously it might be ideal to be able to do this at some point in the future, but at the moment it sounds as if some respite from doing it all would be more useful.

I think it's a mixed bag and shouldn't be seen as the be all and end all of treatment. I also think continuing endlessly with sessions isn't a good idea. I think maybe one should go through a few months worth then take a break to re-evaluate and see where they are at.

I also struggle with the fact that most therapists are closed books - e.g. they tell you nothing about their own life and shut you down if you dare to make any kind of small talk with them. I realise they need boundaries, but I think in some instances sharing of personal life experience builds trust between therapist and client. Some clients need a bit of both ways to grow. So talking to a closed book all the time isn't necessarily for everyone. Therefore I question the validity and usefulness of it for everyone.

That said I've had some valuable and helpful therapy myself. So I am not discounting it.

I do think people need to pursue a range of therapeutic exercises and styles. Anything from self educating about books on trauma, youtube videos, helpful resources.... to yoga, EMDR, hypnosis even spiritual stuff if you are so inclined. I don't think you necessarily need a fortune to pursue it, there's a lot online. And don't discount the value of speaking to a good friend or partner or family member - they can be as good as, or better than a therapist.

Keep searching people, keep trying new things, and keep learning. Sessions of £50 upwards on a weekly basis isn't necessarily the best or the only answer!!! That said a good therapist can be worth their weight in gold. Just remember to step back from it sometimes.

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.

OP, it took me several goes to find the right therapist and to know how I wanted to work with her and to really have the muscle to be able to make the changes to my life that I wanted, and which we explored during my sessions with her. Do you want a more psychtherapeutic approach, which looks at the reasons and patterns which shape how you live your life, and/or do you want more practical help in finding ways to make the changes you need?

Because understanding yourself can be the first step to change. If you wish to please others because you grew up with a parent whose love was conditional on your emotions (ie will withdraw if you're sad for eg) then you learn to please to be loved. Knowing that means you can leave it in the past as it is not serving you now.

prooses - I also struggle with the fact that most therapists are closed books - e.g. they tell you nothing about their own life and shut you down if you dare to make any kind of small talk with them. I realise they need boundaries, but I think in some instances sharing of personal life experience builds trust between therapist and client. Some clients need a bit of both ways to grow.

You may be interested in Gestalt therapy. It's all about healing within relationship between the client and therapist.
Although there are still boundaries the therapist will share some of their journey, their life, how my healing and that process affects them.
We have genuine affection for each other, talk about our feelings towards each other in context of the process. How my words land with them, how their words land with me. Having a good genuine bond allows trust.

I am in my second block of Gestalt therapy, I had 5 months of weekly sessions last year, and just started another block.
I agree having breaks between periods is helpful too.

I am fortunate to access free therapy, and it's local too, the therapist travels from the city to see me and others in her day.

@speakout that's very interesting, thank you. I will look into Gestalt, appreciate the recommendation.

crossstitchingnana I agree. The whys can be very useful to understand.

I have tendancies towards codependancy, I want everyone to be happy, OK, and try to make that happen before I can relax.
I now know that came from issues of parentification in my childhood, feeling responsible for adults in my life who didn't parent me well. At a young age I felt resonsible for others, because their well being meant my own safety.

That strategy does not serve me in adulthood. Opening up that can of worms has given me huge relief from trying to fix people- their own well being is their responsibility- not mine.
I still love, care and help my family members, but I know how to do what I can or am prepared to do then reel things in, focus on my own well being, have self compassion and the resultant decrease in anxiety.

Understanding my maladaptations have been cruicial to my healing path.

Good post @dimorphism

OP has a lot on her plate and (by her own admission) a tendency to do everything for everyone. It’s a problem if therapy becomes just another task to do (at worst, doing everything for your husband and feeling you have to get therapy in order to feel ok about doing it). I do think women can sometimes feel that, if they’re not ok with how things are, they’re the one who needs to be “fixed”. Haven’t seen OP mention whether her husband is having therapy to try to be less of a waste of space.

Therapy won't fix all your practical issues and is not an instant solution. That's not the point of it.

But it might help you work out why you are allowing your husband to be such a dead weight in your life and why you have not done anything about it yet...and bring you to the realisation that you need to make some radical changes in your life.

A therapist doesn't magically give you all the answers on how to fix your life, it is a team effort and you have to try to be clear about what you want to achieve and open with them.

I had therapy after a sexual assault to help me first deal with the trauma and then to look at my life in general and what I wanted to change.

It helped me looked at patterns and how I allowed toxic men/relatives and friends into my life. It helped me establish healthier boundaries and be clearer about what I wanted my life to be from then on.

It is difficult process that can take time but it is worth it.

It might also take a few trials for you to find the right therapist.

Also, it is not an easy process, if you discuss trauma for example you will also have a period when you start feeling worse, lost and so on which is completely normal because you are suddenly bringing to the surface really painful memories for example. It does take a while to see the benefits so it is not an instant fix.

Also, when you start becoming more assertive, having a better understanding of what is affecting you and so on, be prepared for all the negative and draining people in your life to not be happy with the ''new you'' but in the end I really found it incredibly helpful.

Hope u ok. Op I felt therapy was a neutral person not family so a positive. It gave me the pointers to put in place and better boundaries. But agree not a quick fix for people.

I have seen quite a few therapists and am training to be one. In my experience there are more unsuitable therapists out there than suitable ones. You need somebody who is skilled AND that you have a good vibe with. In my experience the magic is either there or it is not. If you don't feel excited/hopeful after the first session, move on. I take the point made by a PP about this being expensive, but it's cheaper than spending months seeing a therapist who leaves you cold.

Saying that therapy is useless and not beneficial just means you haven't spoken to the right therapist

There are 37385 different therapists and methods out there. And you have tried only 1.

It's like saying you never want to go out for dinner again because its gross, but the only place you have been to is MacDonalds

Find yourself a different therapist.
Because once you find the right fit; if will be like dining with the queen.

It will be a mouthwatering and eye opening experience.

Just chiming in here to say that I've also found Gestalt therapy incredibly helpful, although I'd love to know how to get it for free!

why you are allowing your husband to be such a dead weight in your life and why you have not done anything about it yet...and bring you to the realisation that you need to make some radical changes in your life.

Victim blaming and assumptions.

A lot of women can't financially afford to leave, no matter how much of a dick the man is, and you cannot force a man who is bigger and stronger than you to adult up. Some just won't. What are you supposed to do if he just refuses to do any housework or childcare?

Shelter spaces are few and far between and generally reserved for women facing more extreme forms of abuse.

OP has kids with special needs, I don't think she has the time or money that is being assumed - in that she can just try therapy after therapy and has the time to do so - by most of the posters on this thread.

Agree with PP who said that women often think they're the ones who need 'fixing' when actually it's their external environment and other people that's causing the problem.

Well said @dimorphism

women often think they're the ones who need 'fixing' when actually it's their external environment and other people that's causing the problem.

It isn't about "fixing" though.
Therapy can lead a woman to a place where she finds her self esteem, her voice, recognises her needs and the courage to act.
When we find our self worth we are less likely to put up with bad situations which cause further damage.
We all have options in life, it may seem financially impossible to leave a man who has no respect for others, but staying with him is not without cost.

Ditch the husband you need to mother. THEN work that out!

What you are doing is trying to find ways to fix the DH who isn't going to change.

THAT'S what your issue is. Going for people you think you can fix. And then wondering why you can't.

Well @RedToothBrush saved the OP £1000 and many wasted hours of therapy (that could have been spent doing something else) there.

I tend to agree, and if you can't leave immediately either make a plan or at the very least accept he's not going to change. He is clearly not decent enough to step up when he can see his partner is struggling, it's highly unlikely he's going to change as he's selfish and the status quo suits him nicely.

How are you doing, @HarryViles

I was having talking therapy for bereavement due to suicide of my partner and just felt like it was an hour to cry,but realistically it wasn't helping. My friend kept asking if we had come up with any strategies-nope.

The modality of therapist you are using plays a huge part in this.
You are asking some pretty deep questions. As you want to understand why you do what you do rather than how to possibly change what you do so you are probably looking for a more psychodynamic approach than what you have now if they are asking you to complete a priority pie chart.
However saying this I'd guess something is changing as you have pretty successfully stated what you want here which is a huge step if you usually play a maternal role and always do things for others putting their needs before your own.
Good luck.