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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child never picked..

111 replies

Idontknowwhy1 · 17/05/2023 15:43

My child's communion is in a couple of weeks & loads of children have been given roles in the mass... My dc had her reconciliation in Feb, the teacher said whoever doesn't get a role will have something in the communion mass.. My dc has been given nothing in this either & is so disappointed. Especially as the teacher said that those who didn't get a part in the reconciliation would have a part in the communion mass.. I feel so disappointed on my childs behalf, please talk sense into me. I don't want to be that parent!

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 18/05/2023 07:46

Lying awake all night is an overreaction. Take care not to project your own concerns about this on to your child

FWIW, I was v involved in PTA and received no privileges or special treatment

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 07:48

@NeedToChangeName I know it is however I do suffer from anxiety & I'm really not good in these types of situations hence why I find mumsnet invaluable at times like this. DH was staunchly against emailing so we weren't branded as "troublemakers" so I'm glad mumsnetters convinced me otherwise & to parent up!

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 18/05/2023 08:36

So there's 60 kids, but not 60 jobs between reconciliation and communion? So 4 have gotten jobs for both but even if those 4 are replaced with people who didn't get jobs at reconciliation is there still a chance your DC won't get one?

You were not unreasonable at all to email and highlight concerns about people getting jobs for both when they were specifically told that wouldn't happen. YABU to not sleep over it. I too suffer from anxiety, you need to learn coping mechanisms for that. 💕

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 08:58

She emailed back saying unfortunately there's not jobs for everyone. I sent back a more formal email to say that she was the only one out of 60 to do the singing afterschool & also that some children have a part in both..

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/05/2023 09:07

I think you've done the right thing, and now it is up to them. I don't feel it would take much effort for them to invent a small role (I believe I was once responsible for ringing that little bell thing).

If nothing else her teacher is aware that your daughter is conscious of being overlooked, and if she is any good at her job she will make her feel more visible for the remainder of the term.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 18/05/2023 09:11

Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 07:48

@NeedToChangeName I know it is however I do suffer from anxiety & I'm really not good in these types of situations hence why I find mumsnet invaluable at times like this. DH was staunchly against emailing so we weren't branded as "troublemakers" so I'm glad mumsnetters convinced me otherwise & to parent up!

You’ve been awake all night fretting and your H is petrified of standing up for his kid in case he’s disliked by a teacher.

I’m glad you’re seeing the light, OP.

Being an amenable and therefore overlooked child is soul destroying. Having meek parents too afraid to stand up for you sets them up to repeat the cycle.

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 09:16

Doesn't look like I have got anywhere.. The reply was very cordial but unfortunately not enough roles for everyone.. I replied roles were created yesterday & dc wasn't chosen.. My reply was much longer & very curt so we'll see what she replies.
Also said she would speak to dc to say there's not enough for everyone to go round & not to be disappointed. This sounds very patronising.

OP posts:
fiftiesmum · 18/05/2023 09:18

Don't forget that there will be lots of jobs they will want parents to do around communion time - cleaning, tidying up afterwards, bringing stuff for communion breakfast. You can conveniently forget to volunteer to do these. Funnily enough you are likely to get asked - time to find some excuse or other.

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 09:21

I'm already on the rota 😩@fiftiesmum ... Wonder will she reply to my sharp email! I would like an explanation as to how the roles were allocated & the pta kids & kids from prominent families all have roles. Some getting roles in both reconciliation & communion🤔

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 18/05/2023 09:25

But she's right, there aren't 60 jobs over the course of the 2 events? She needs to change the 4 students who had a role in both events as that is grossly unfair and definitely needs an explanation! How many other students have been left without a role in it?

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 09:29

I'm not entirely sure how many left without.. Dc said some of the kids picked are complaining as they don't want a role.. I did mention in the email that some kids have jobs in both & that wasn't supposed to happen.

OP posts:
Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 10:14

This is verging on odd Now

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 10:19

Isn't it just @Fruitful82 .. I would like explanations as to why some children had parts in both services..

OP posts:
fiftiesmum · 18/05/2023 10:36

Must be a popular school if all of the children in that year group are making first communion - school must be oversubscribed so is likely to be a good school so be pleased at that
At DS's old school (very undersubscribed as not a good school) less than half of the year group go to church and hence will be making first communion so all have several jobs

Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 10:40

Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 10:19

Isn't it just @Fruitful82 .. I would like explanations as to why some children had parts in both services..

You have misunderstood what I find is verging on odd

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 10:41

It is a good school, we have three kids there & have generally been very happy hence my initial reluctance to email..

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 18/05/2023 10:55

You have gone from being scared to speak up, up all night awake and anxious to now arguing with the teacher and demanding answers? thats a bit of a turnaround in a very small timeframe Confused

StephanieSuperpowers · 18/05/2023 11:01

Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 09:21

I'm already on the rota 😩@fiftiesmum ... Wonder will she reply to my sharp email! I would like an explanation as to how the roles were allocated & the pta kids & kids from prominent families all have roles. Some getting roles in both reconciliation & communion🤔

I don't know whether the teacher owes you any explanation. You're not her line manager. Also, your obsession with prominent families and the PTA members is getting weird at this stage - this all is starting to feel like it's partly motivated by your feelings about yourself. You know that you can join the PTA if you want to?

ReformedWaywardTeen · 18/05/2023 11:47

Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 06:09

Why would you even want your child at a school with such an inept head?

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Because in my experience most schools are the same. It certainly was at my school. My sister went to a different school- same there.
Their current secondary is good but even there the play leads are pretty much the same 5 kids until they leave and replaced by the next faves

The thing is, it doesn't help these children. One such one at my secondary was always the lead. She thought she was the best ever singer, actress and dancer.

Until she started going for West End auditions and got precisely nowhere. You may be favourite at secondary but it doesn't tally outside of cheques being given and deals being done. How many of you had a school star who you see on TV now?

LittleWaves · 18/05/2023 12:40

MammaTo · 17/05/2023 16:31

I’m afraid you’ll have to be the pushy parent.

My junior school was exactly the same, same kids picked time and time again; their mums were prominent PTA mums or altar boys/girls.

I was a really good dancer as a child and never got picked for this dance troop thing and I was heart broken (so dramatic I know) but my mum bounced up the school and told the teachers straight and that it was always the same kids etc.

Low an behold I got a role thanks to my mum.

I like your mum's style.

It's the same at our primary, always the same girl for all interesting and fun opportunities. Yes, we know that she is confident, yes we know she is bright, yes we know she's sporty, yes we know she's super artistic but what about the girls who also would like a chance to shine and develop their confidence?

So far, I've bitten my tongue. I keep telling dd that she will get a chance eventually, and to keep trying her PB. I have also explained that this girl will find it harder in secondary when she is no longer the one and only super star as there will be more competition. Kids that peak in primary don't always follow that star student trajectory.

OP, in your case, I would contact the school and say that your dd feels particularly inspired and very serious about her holy communion and that she wants the opportunity to serve her church to demonstrate her commitment to being a good Christian. They will not be able to turn her down then.

MammaTo · 18/05/2023 13:06

@LittleWaves haha yes hit them with the religious guilt!!

SparklyBlackKitten · 18/05/2023 13:09

How is believing in about man in the sky still deemed a religion and not a cult

lakesummer · 18/05/2023 13:10

I am wondering if your dc is active in the church? Or if you are as a family?
If you are I would remind them that they will get opportunities to do tasks at church.
If you aren't it might be one reason why they haven't got a role in this service.

Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 13:14

ReformedWaywardTeen · 18/05/2023 11:47

Because in my experience most schools are the same. It certainly was at my school. My sister went to a different school- same there.
Their current secondary is good but even there the play leads are pretty much the same 5 kids until they leave and replaced by the next faves

The thing is, it doesn't help these children. One such one at my secondary was always the lead. She thought she was the best ever singer, actress and dancer.

Until she started going for West End auditions and got precisely nowhere. You may be favourite at secondary but it doesn't tally outside of cheques being given and deals being done. How many of you had a school star who you see on TV now?

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I can tell you for sure that every school my children have been to… the head hasn’t been spineless and dismissive

ThatFraggle · 18/05/2023 14:10

Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 05:59

It was, thank you for clarifying

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And I asked you what was laughable and you didn't respond. Imagining your comment was in good faith, I would like to know, so that I don't make a similar 'laughable' error in my day to day life.