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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child never picked..

111 replies

Idontknowwhy1 · 17/05/2023 15:43

My child's communion is in a couple of weeks & loads of children have been given roles in the mass... My dc had her reconciliation in Feb, the teacher said whoever doesn't get a role will have something in the communion mass.. My dc has been given nothing in this either & is so disappointed. Especially as the teacher said that those who didn't get a part in the reconciliation would have a part in the communion mass.. I feel so disappointed on my childs behalf, please talk sense into me. I don't want to be that parent!

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/05/2023 22:59

I'm glad you've sent an email. Even if nothing changes you've politely made the point...

It's really tough when your child is constantly overlooked. Especially when they'd really like to take part.

And for those who posted that OPs child needs to learn 'it's just one of those things'- they did that at the earlier reconciliation so it's fair that OPs child feels upset.

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 17/05/2023 23:10

Chatting with DH here & it seems a number of kids were chosen for singing roles.
Dc did the afterschool singing club (the only one out of the whole year, only 11 kids in total was badly attended)
Dc loved the afterschool singing club! Said that the teacher who ran the club helped choose the kids for the singing roles.. The afterschool club wasn't cheap either!

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 17/05/2023 23:11

Sorry should have said only 11 kids from the whole school did the weekly sing club, dc was the only one from the year..

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 00:40

Another bump before bed!

OP posts:
Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 01:07

Idontknowwhy1 · 17/05/2023 23:10

Chatting with DH here & it seems a number of kids were chosen for singing roles.
Dc did the afterschool singing club (the only one out of the whole year, only 11 kids in total was badly attended)
Dc loved the afterschool singing club! Said that the teacher who ran the club helped choose the kids for the singing roles.. The afterschool club wasn't cheap either!

Should I send a continuation email about the after school club in the morning or wait until the teacher replies?

OP posts:
BritInAus · 18/05/2023 01:24

Since when was one quick, short, polite question to the teacher (either in person or email or messaging app) something that would make a parent the 'laughing stock of the staffroom'? This is just bizarre.

"Hi teacher. Hope you're having a good week. Just wanted to confirm - does XXXX have a particular role in XXX event? He seems to think everyone has a role but I'm unsure. Thanks!"

lakesummer · 18/05/2023 01:33

OP you seem a little anxious yourself about this as well.
I think you have to wait for a response to the first email before sending another.

How involved is your dc in your local church? Is there any opportunity for some of these roles there, or are they already doing them there?

Findyourneutralspace · 18/05/2023 01:52

I wonder if it’s been a bit lost in translation and rather than ‘those who didn’t have a role at reconciliation will have one at communion’ it’s actually a case of ‘if you had a role at reconciliation, you won’t have one at communion’.

Subtle difference that could easily be misunderstood by a 9 year old. Are there actually enough roles for everyone?

Ours just had a few alter servers and a prayer/reading, but not everyone had a formal role. For the girls the dressing up was a large part of it (boys just had a red tie).

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 03:19

@Findyourneutralspace no to clarify the teacher said those who have a role at reconciliation won't get one at the communion. Hoever 4 children have a role in both..

OP posts:
Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 05:10

Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 00:40

Another bump before bed!

attention seeking or what?!!

you have the email. Job done. Nothing to do but wait

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 05:25

@Fruitful82 I actually haven't slept. I hate any kind of confrontation. I suffer from anxiety & have been second guessing myself all night...

OP posts:
TheOriginalEmu · 18/05/2023 05:29

BritInAus · 18/05/2023 01:24

Since when was one quick, short, polite question to the teacher (either in person or email or messaging app) something that would make a parent the 'laughing stock of the staffroom'? This is just bizarre.

"Hi teacher. Hope you're having a good week. Just wanted to confirm - does XXXX have a particular role in XXX event? He seems to think everyone has a role but I'm unsure. Thanks!"

I think the laughing thing was a response to the way that potential email was worded, rather than sending an email at all.

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 05:31

@TheOriginalEmu yes it was an email that was suggested.

OP posts:
Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 05:59

TheOriginalEmu · 18/05/2023 05:29

I think the laughing thing was a response to the way that potential email was worded, rather than sending an email at all.

Show quote history

It was, thank you for clarifying

ReformedWaywardTeen · 18/05/2023 06:07

@Idontknowwhy1 I think you've done the right thing.

My DD was always the kid shoved to the back, ignored when their hand was up to volunteer. It was the PTA kids there too. Always the same kids. Always the ones with the queen bee mums.

After DD was ignored for anything in the Christmas play and then shoved to the back for carols at the Christmas fayre I spoke up.

I was polite about it. I said to the head that although the performance was lovely, I was considering not allowing my DD to take part as I could never see her. That it would be nice to allow other children to shine. When she just fobbed me off, I said "or do we need to give a large donation to the school fund to secure a role?" She went red in the face and walked off

Guess whose DD got the lead singing role in the summer play?

Fruitful82 · 18/05/2023 06:09

ReformedWaywardTeen · 18/05/2023 06:07

@Idontknowwhy1 I think you've done the right thing.

My DD was always the kid shoved to the back, ignored when their hand was up to volunteer. It was the PTA kids there too. Always the same kids. Always the ones with the queen bee mums.

After DD was ignored for anything in the Christmas play and then shoved to the back for carols at the Christmas fayre I spoke up.

I was polite about it. I said to the head that although the performance was lovely, I was considering not allowing my DD to take part as I could never see her. That it would be nice to allow other children to shine. When she just fobbed me off, I said "or do we need to give a large donation to the school fund to secure a role?" She went red in the face and walked off

Guess whose DD got the lead singing role in the summer play?

Why would you even want your child at a school with such an inept head?

GoodChat · 18/05/2023 06:21

Maybe your kid just isn't that great a singer. There's no point repeatedly bumping your thread.

SodapopCurtis · 18/05/2023 06:29

As a teacher and leader of communion classes. Please say. I'm sure I've found my list of those who have had a turn, but I have said to parents. Please if they don't get words this time, turn round and let me know.

Back the email up with a little note. X has not been given a part in the communion mistakenly as he did not have a role in the reconciliation. He is very willing to read/sing... thank you

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 07:18

ReformedWaywardTeen · 18/05/2023 06:07

@Idontknowwhy1 I think you've done the right thing.

My DD was always the kid shoved to the back, ignored when their hand was up to volunteer. It was the PTA kids there too. Always the same kids. Always the ones with the queen bee mums.

After DD was ignored for anything in the Christmas play and then shoved to the back for carols at the Christmas fayre I spoke up.

I was polite about it. I said to the head that although the performance was lovely, I was considering not allowing my DD to take part as I could never see her. That it would be nice to allow other children to shine. When she just fobbed me off, I said "or do we need to give a large donation to the school fund to secure a role?" She went red in the face and walked off

Guess whose DD got the lead singing role in the summer play?

Well done you. Sounds exactly like the scenario with my dc.. Always volunteers but jobs always go to the same kids. Dc said they were given their seat allocations in the church yesterday, was very happy with her seat initially as it was near the front but was made swap with another child because dc doesn't have a job. The seats were originally allocated alphabetically but dc had to move down the back...

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 18/05/2023 07:30

GuiltyGeraldine · 17/05/2023 21:51

Would you say the same to a Jewish or Muslim poster?

Show quote history

How about stop making your child engage in organised religion which is upsetting them. I would say that to anyone moaning about the practices of their organised religion, espeically where such practices are negatively influencing or impacting their kids.

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 07:34

It's not the church in this case it's the teachers. Same scenarios happen in school plays, sports teams, music concerts. Should parents pull children out of these too?

OP posts:
GuiltyGeraldine · 18/05/2023 07:37

Nordicrain · 18/05/2023 07:30

How about stop making your child engage in organised religion which is upsetting them. I would say that to anyone moaning about the practices of their organised religion, espeically where such practices are negatively influencing or impacting their kids.

Show quote history

Sure you would.

In our house, my kids understand not everything goes their way and that can be upsetting but that’s life and I will fight their corner where necessary.

I would never stop anything that’s slightly upsetting because I’m not about raising a total wet wipe of a human.

Shudacudawuda · 18/05/2023 07:37

I'm with you OP, if they said that the children who got a role in the first event wouldn't get a role in the second, they should stick to that.
I'm glad you're advocating for your DC, who else will?

Original poster
Idontknowwhy1 · 18/05/2023 07:42

@Shudacudawuda thank you, that's it.. I was awake all night, I socially anxious & really hate confrontation so my brain went into overthink mode.. I do think I'd have really regretted it if I didn't send the email.
Dc mentioned being moved from the seat again this morning as she didn't have a job even though the seats were assigned alphabetically... The seat is for the child's family, pta child with job put there & dc moved back..

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 18/05/2023 07:43

GuiltyGeraldine · 18/05/2023 07:37

Sure you would.

In our house, my kids understand not everything goes their way and that can be upsetting but that’s life and I will fight their corner where necessary.

I would never stop anything that’s slightly upsetting because I’m not about raising a total wet wipe of a human.

Show quote history

Sure, if it's something they are interested in, have to do or really benefit from.... Taking part in organised religion doesn't fall within any of those categories to me.

Are you catholic btw?

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