Page 5 | Too much hard work being friends with a mentally ill person?

jumanjigertrude · 2023-05-16T11:52:12+00:00

According to lots of people. Mentally ill people should only associate with professionals and should not seek help from friends or family, lest they cause them too much distress or disruption in their lives. The bad times outweigh the good times when dealing with people suffering with mental illness. It is too draining to deal with them. If that is the case, what are people going through mental illness supposed to do? If nobody wants to associate with them and treats them like a pariah, then what's the point?

RunThroughTheJungle · 17/05/2023 11:31

I've just spent 25 years with a husband with mental health issues which have been bad the past 3 years. I have done everything to support him through his intense CBT. He has pushed me away at every opportunity but I've been resolute beside him. But he has a self destruct button which he has now pushed, he's had an affair and has demolished our marriage. He's now struggling to cope as pushing me away has finally worked. He's devastated but standing so close to someone with a self destruct button has destroyed me.

I wish I had left years ago.

ScatsThat · 17/05/2023 11:39

StrawberryWasp · 17/05/2023 10:24

I think there is a lot of medicalisation of what is essentially personality or trait differences going on currently.

From anxiety to ADHD it presupposes there is a group of normal functioning people who don't have problems and are required to selflessly be supports to the more needy or different people.

The only situation in which the people who are fine Vs people who have to be supported dynamic works is with severe disability which is collectively recognised as significantly different.

Unfortunately those with significant disability whether mental or physical health are being obscured by the huge numbers of people with diagnoses that really just describe a personality or trait level difference.

Those type of differences should be sorted through normal social interaction. I.e.: do I like this person?

Could not have put this better myself. Everything is medicalised now which then leads to people saying "I can't help it, it's my [insert diagnosis] causing me to do this/behave this way" which then translates as "you have to lump it or you're unfeeling/ableist".

People can have sympathy/empathy AND still want to put in boundaries to protect their own mental health, family life, routines or free time.

daretodenim · 17/05/2023 12:28

I have a diagnosed MH condition that I actively and almost religiously get help for and have done for years. I don't want it. I don't want to burden anybody or imply that it's the responsibility of friends and family to fix anything. It isn't organic, it's basically massive psychological injury I have to live with.

I believed the claptrap about telling people around me. I told my closest friends. I then discovered that as I hadn't healed in a timely manner, some didn't want to be around me. I cannot explain how isolating that is. Living with the impact of this mental injury is a daily punishment for other people's actions, so to be punished for not being "back to normal" in their eyes quickly enough felt like a second punishment. And of course, what "back to normal" meant was how I was before they knew I was struggling, aka when I was pretending.

However, a friend of a friend has been battling a rare form of cancer for years and while it's a miracle he's still alive, he's lost a lot of friends too. A great many people actually don't want to remain in contact with someone who is long term struggling, because it ties them down to a greater or lesser extent, from enjoying their own life. Not everyone, but these people definitely exist.

On the other side, a close friend of mine was an alcoholic who was drinking and was destroying her life. I stood by her, listened to her ranting and raving, I pushed her to get on a therapy waiting list, offered to come with her once therapy started, stood by her when she was struggling not to drink and when the medications made her feel bad. The cycles of this were awful. I was honest with her though - I didn't passively listen when she was sober. But when it got to the point she moved a guy off the internet she'd not met into her house (she was drunk) I couldn't cope. I couldn't do anything to stop it and it was during homeschooling period of covid and I was losing my mind with that anyway. I cared so much that I couldn't bear seeing her do this. I told her it wasn't sensible and I stopped answering her calls for about a month until I'd got myself sorted again, then I got back in touch. We're good friends again and she's not been drinking for a couple of years. I still feel guilty for dropping her like that but it was so horrific and she was drunk on every call, forgetting what she'd said the day before, that I didn't see a point in trying to explain it anyway.

DeadSea95 · 17/05/2023 12:37

jumanjigertrude · 17/05/2023 06:18

What sort of personality disorders come under this category and what sort of things have been done by people you know with them?

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The two people I know with them were very abusive towards partners and friends, abused drugs and alcohol, very unpredictable moods - sudden like a light switch.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/05/2023 12:42

DeadSea95 · 16/05/2023 17:54

That's a sweeping statement. It depends entirely on the mental illness, how its managed and what the person's expectations are.

I have bipolar II and have friends.

However, I avoid people with untreated cluster B personality disorders if I see evidence of them individually making others unhappy.

This is it.

NotAHouse · 17/05/2023 12:49

Borderline. They reached out for professional help but only to support their need for attention and to further their own agenda.

NotAHouse · 17/05/2023 12:50

Sorry, that was to OP.

Clementinesucks · 17/05/2023 12:52

I have a long standing friendship where the other person has multiple mental health issues. There are some weeks I just can’t face calling her. She becomes consumed by her own worries and never, ever asks me a question. Instead she just downloads. My life is pretty stressful. I can only take so much of this. I don’t think that makes me a bad friend.

NotAHouse · 17/05/2023 12:52

LuvSmallDogs · 17/05/2023 11:19

I stepped away from a friend with MH issues, as I was having a hard time with depression and she was draining the fucking life out of me.

She was very clingy and wouldn't accept that I didn't want to meet up and do something every day, or for that matter that I might receive her WhatsApp while carrying shopping on a busy pavement, look at it, and think "well it's not important, I'll reply when I'm home in 10 minutes". Yes, I got a "you read my message and didn't reply why are you angry with me?!?!" message by the time I went to answer.

We lived on the same small estate, with me right by the entrance/exit, so I didn't even feel able to white lie to get out of anything.

I'm sure if you asked her, I was unreliable, or distant or whatever. But I had three kids, a marriage and a part time job and couldn't handle the amount of involvement she wanted.

Sounds like borderline personality disorder. You made the right call.

MMMarmite · 17/05/2023 12:58

I believed the claptrap about telling people around me. I told my closest friends. I then discovered that as I hadn't healed in a timely manner, some didn't want to be around me. I cannot explain how isolating that is. Living with the impact of this mental injury is a daily punishment for other people's actions, so to be punished for not being "back to normal" in their eyes quickly enough felt like a second punishment. And of course, what "back to normal" meant was how I was before they knew I was struggling, aka when I was pretending.

I can relate to this. Some friends (not all) clearly prefer me in my pretending state. For me, that's fine for aquaintance-type friends, it's okay for things to just be light and fun. But if you want an emotionally close friendship with me, and want me to support you, then that means I need you to accept my mental illness.

Katieandthekids · 17/05/2023 19:17

I am not sure... I had a friend with a mental health problem who pretended for a year he was dying of testicular cancer then revealed the truth on a group WhatsApp message then ghosted us all. We all loved him very much and it was very sad and hurtful. Of my friends on that group ones dad had just died of cancer and one later got diagnosed with actual testicular cancer (survived and in remission) and my sister is living with reoccurring neuroendocrine tumours...

So since that experience I am very wary of people with certain mental health issues and keep most new people at a very surface level friendship.

ExpatInSlavikLand · 18/05/2023 13:37

Katieandthekids · 17/05/2023 19:17

I am not sure... I had a friend with a mental health problem who pretended for a year he was dying of testicular cancer then revealed the truth on a group WhatsApp message then ghosted us all. We all loved him very much and it was very sad and hurtful. Of my friends on that group ones dad had just died of cancer and one later got diagnosed with actual testicular cancer (survived and in remission) and my sister is living with reoccurring neuroendocrine tumours...

So since that experience I am very wary of people with certain mental health issues and keep most new people at a very surface level friendship.

@Katieandthekids What is this with people faking terminal cancer??

I had a friend who claimed she:

a) Had epilepsy that had magically 'returned' since childhood (after we'd already been friends for 3 years) and would fake seizures in front of us all if she felt she wasn't getting enough attention.

b) Faked multiple pregnancies and miscarriages (with different guys, usually to try to force them to stay with her) and lapped up the sympathy and advice I gave her (knowing fully well I am unable to conceive naturally and had suffered a miscarriage myself).

c) Faked terminal cancer. Oh yes. Not once, but twice. One time she even claimed she had 2 months to live, but then that the cancer had magically disappeared. (This despite me and our other friends having had multiple relatives who'd contracted the disease, and having lost some of them.)

When I finally called her out and ended our friendship, she honestly thought that she was being wronged.

Katieandthekids · 18/05/2023 15:48

@ExpatInSlavikLand omg that's crazy. Yes this friend had a history of lying. In uni he told everyone that I slept with him when I didn't. I had a conversation with him about it when I actually said 'you know that didn't happen don't you?' But he just went completely blank like he didn't actually know that it hadnt happened... it was always a bit haunting to me.

BohoVintage · 18/05/2023 16:08

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 17/05/2023 10:14

I'd get some professional help. Same for mental illness.

That's a simplification though. If I have a burn or boil, they're easily treated. A med student could do it. Certainly my then 4 year old dressed a bad steam burn on my arm supervised by his Doctor Auntie. Mental health is often far more complex. I have pstd and gad. I can't take SSRIs because they give me constant migraines and neurological symptoms. I tried antipyschotics off label but the fear of weight gain made my mental health worse (I stopped eating) so my psychiatrist told me to stop. I asked what else I could try...nothing. I've had 2 years worth of therapy which didn't work.

I don't burden my friends though but even that's not always enough. Sometimes the fact that you can't always be happy and smiling and ready to party is problematic too.

Spot on analysis! These type of throwaway ' just get professional help 'comments to people who are already really struggling and have probably been around the system for years begging for such help, are both insensitive and cruel. It's really not that simple. Infact, it's nigh on impossible. Sometimes there is simply nowhere left to turn and good friends, really good friends, prove themselves to be invaluable then.

rattymol · 18/05/2023 23:13

It is false to say everyone has mental health issues. Everyone gets sad, stressed and struggles, that is not mental health issues no matter what social media tells you.
Real mental health issues are rarer. They are the type of people that used to be locked away in institutions to keep them away from normal people. Nowadays they are just the kind of people others gossip about and blank. We haven't moved on one little bit.

ExpatInSlavikLand · 19/05/2023 05:01

Katieandthekids · 18/05/2023 15:48

@ExpatInSlavikLand omg that's crazy. Yes this friend had a history of lying. In uni he told everyone that I slept with him when I didn't. I had a conversation with him about it when I actually said 'you know that didn't happen don't you?' But he just went completely blank like he didn't actually know that it hadnt happened... it was always a bit haunting to me.

@Katieandthekids Wow. Hopefully everyone believed you when you set them straight. I'm amazed you stayed friends with him after that, but I'm going to guess you felt sorry for him at the time, or didn't want to cause discomfort in your social circle?

I've had other experiences with friends (one former friend, male, continues to stalk me 12 years after I told him to FO, even sending messages to my husband), and endured a 2 year relationship with a then-undiagnosed manic depressive that almost broke me. (From what I've heard, he refuses to stay on his meds, and life for his family and interchangeable girlfriends is hard.)

After such experiences, I'm not as friendly, tolerant and understanding as I used to be. It's a shame, but ultimately I have to think of my own well-being, and that of my family.

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/05/2023 09:04

rattymol · 17/05/2023 09:01

Plenty of people only want friends to do nice things with. As soon as anyone has real issues they disappear

I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I don’t want to do depressing things with my friends. I will if I have to for them but you can’t blame people for not relishing another round of miserable discussions. Frankly if someone actually enjoyed that I would think they were a bit of a grief vampire.

It also depends a lot on what type and level of friendship we’re talking about.

If you are a partner or a very close friend to someone with serious mental health issues it’s very different from being a member of the wider social group.

If you know someone is really struggling with their MH and you know them inside out you would be invested to some degree, you would know the background and make allowances.

But it’s not really fair to expect less close friends and acquaintances to deal with this. I wouldn’t want to spend my precious free time listening to someone in a very negative and self destructive frame of mind unless I was really very close to them.

Everyone deserves compassion and empathy but people who treat their social networks like an extended talking therapy group are incredibly draining to be around.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 21/05/2023 08:55

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/05/2023 09:04

I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I don’t want to do depressing things with my friends. I will if I have to for them but you can’t blame people for not relishing another round of miserable discussions. Frankly if someone actually enjoyed that I would think they were a bit of a grief vampire.

It also depends a lot on what type and level of friendship we’re talking about.

If you are a partner or a very close friend to someone with serious mental health issues it’s very different from being a member of the wider social group.

If you know someone is really struggling with their MH and you know them inside out you would be invested to some degree, you would know the background and make allowances.

But it’s not really fair to expect less close friends and acquaintances to deal with this. I wouldn’t want to spend my precious free time listening to someone in a very negative and self destructive frame of mind unless I was really very close to them.

Everyone deserves compassion and empathy but people who treat their social networks like an extended talking therapy group are incredibly draining to be around.

Show quote history

It is a question of appropriateness and what boundaries the dynamic can deal with.

Minfilia · 21/05/2023 09:15

I have two friends with quite serious MH issues - one has OCD/anxiety and was sectioned for intrusive/suicidal thoughts, but still has positive interactions with our friendship group (happy to meet up, sociable when not seriously unwell, cares deeply about her friends, will talk through her problems but won’t complain and is a lovely person to everyone).

My other friend has depression and never has anything positive to say, complains constantly about everything, never checks in on people but expects them to contact her, regularly flakes out on meet ups, dwells constantly on the past and seems to have turned quite bitter in recent years. She also picks fights with friends when she’s had a drink.

MH problems can affect anyone but you do have some choice over how you let them affect the people around you. Guess which friend I’ve distanced myself from.