Too much hard work being friends with a mentally ill person?

[jumanjigertrude]

According to lots of people. Mentally ill people should only associate with professionals and should not seek help from friends or family, lest they cause them too much distress or disruption in their lives. The bad times outweigh the good times when dealing with people suffering with mental illness. It is too draining to deal with them. If that is the case, what are people going through mental illness supposed to do? If nobody wants to associate with them and treats them like a pariah, then what's the point?

I’ve never heard anyone say that, however there does need to be a balance. People have lots of things going on in their own lives, their own mental health problems, family issues etc. so whilst talking to friends is good, people need to be careful to not rely on them too much. I had to step away from a friend who was using our group as another therapy essentially and I was also suffering with my own mental health issues and it all became too much.

I have never met anyone who thinks that. And I am both old (therefore have met many people during my lifetime) and have worked for many years with large numbers of people.

I think you are taking one incident and generalizing wildly, OP. I suggest you start a new thread and explain what has happened to you with your friend(s) and maybe you can get advice and perspectives on what has happened and why.

I used to work quite closely with a colleague with a pretty serious and chronic mental illness. They were in denial even when sectioned involuntarily to a secure locked ward.

We were quite friendly outside of work, but I had to step away from that because I realised how complicit I was becoming in their consolatory fantasy that they weren’t really severely bipolar, but it was “hormones.”

I couldn’t support this person as a friend and be a good colleague to all my colleagues.

@jumanjigertrude Every one of the replies has said they’ve never heard people say what you’re claiming “many” people say.

Do you have context? Where are you hearing this blatantly untrue popular opinion?

The consensus here is that sometimes it’s necessary to pull back a bit but not to “not be friends” with people with MH issues.

I have never heard anyone, ever, say these sorts of things. I have seen nothing in the media at all saying this. In fact the only place I have seen anything like this level of stupidity is on this site - not often, but there was a thread a couple of days ago, for example, where a poster, whose husband was expressing suicidal ideation was told he was a petulant child (and other abusive / derogatory comments) and that she should tell him to buck up / leave him / let him!

Yes, you can't take on the burden of someone else's mental ill health, but that certainly doesn't mean you cut them off or ignore their pain. You also can't break your leg for someone else, but it doesn't mean you suggest they get up and walk on it!

Depends a lot on what type of MH issue it is. Transient depression/anxiety is hugely different to severe schizophrenia. MH issues are also far more prevalent in the neurodiverse population due to inherent struggles of trying to fit into a neurotypical world. So what extent of the "hard work" is due to neurodiversity and entirely unrelated to MH? People with ADHD have time blindness and low object permanence which makes them do things like being chronically late or dropping contact with friends without meaning to.

Who says that people with mental health problems shouldn’t have friends? Who are the ‘lots of people?’

Are you maybe misrepresenting threads where people say it isn’t right to constantly unload into friends or expect friends to provide constant support to you at cost to their own health and comfort?

It depends, there is a line where the severely ill person’s illness impacts others significantly, and at that point I don’t blame anyone for stepping right back.

Informal networks of support, including and perhaps primarily friends and family are so important for people with MH challenges, just as they are important to people with no MH challenges.

When I had very poor MH, I valued the opinions of friends and family somewhat more than the opinions of professionals (except when it came to advice about the mental illness itself). My friends and family did not have to be nice, for example, but I felt the support workers, social workers and other professionals were sort of expected to be and even paid to be kind (this reflected my thought processes at the time, not reality).

Half of the people I know have mental health issues of one kind or another. I would be severely limiting my life if I refused to be friends with them, they are wonderful people.

Surely it depends on the person, the relationship and the illness for each case.

That's a sweeping statement. It depends entirely on the mental illness, how its managed and what the person's expectations are.

I have bipolar II and have friends.

However, I avoid people with untreated cluster B personality disorders if I see evidence of them individually making others unhappy.

I’m sure there was a similar thread a few months ago. Nobody said that people with mental health issues shouldn’t have friends; just that we need to maintain our own boundaries and sometimes that includes stepping back

Exactly.

What is this actually based on? Who has said this? I think that's important, to give some context

One of my close friends has fairly severe MH issues, which included a suicide attempt and being sectioned twice.
I can honestly say that she is one of my most favourite people in the world. I'm her friend, not her therapist, and she's been there for me just as much as I've been there for her over the years.
I'm grateful to have her in my life, she is so much more than her mental illness to me

Depends, really. I have had mental health struggles. But If you're talking about someone with a personality disorder that makes them lie to and manipulate everyone around them, then they should be seeking help rather than using people as pawns in their need for attention.

YABU, a true friend would not think a friend in need is too much hard work.

Agree with degree of mental illness being a determining factor. Someone with depression or anxiety is relatively easy to support in comparison to say someone with BPD, severe anorexia nervosa or psychosis who spend a lot of time in and out of mental health units.

My sibling has lost all their friends, it's too distressing for even close family to deal with sometimes let alone a friend who isn't as obligated or invested.

I don't know what the answer is. I feel like the media although bringing mental health into the limelight has somehow minimised how debilitating and traumatising a severe crisis can be. They want to tie it in a bow and with 'reach out and talk. Problem solved'.

I'm mentally ill and have lots of friends. Some of whom have mental ill health themselves. I guess everyone's situation is different.

I do try to make sure relationships are reciprocal, and I have a therapist and an online support group for discussing the details of trauma.

This is incredibly naive.

I had a friend with massive mental health Issues that they self medicated with drugs and alcohol for.

I had to distance myself as they were violent towards me

I wouldn't blame anyone for stepping away from the person I know with BPD and PTSD. They cannot cope with any negativity or suggestions of personal accountability whatsoever. They blame other people for their troubles. They have been talking about and threatening suicide for more than 10 years. You'd have to be a saint to keep going with someone like this.

Does the BPD stand for Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder? Have they sought professional help? Do you see them as a lost cause?

What type of personality disorder was diagnosed for the person in question? Did they not seek any help whatsoever?

Why not just explain what’s happened and ask for support or advice on dealing with it? I can’t see how this is helping when it’s obviously a specific incident that’s triggered your post rather than a general query.