Too much hard work being friends with a mentally ill person?

[jumanjigertrude]

According to lots of people. Mentally ill people should only associate with professionals and should not seek help from friends or family, lest they cause them too much distress or disruption in their lives. The bad times outweigh the good times when dealing with people suffering with mental illness. It is too draining to deal with them. If that is the case, what are people going through mental illness supposed to do? If nobody wants to associate with them and treats them like a pariah, then what's the point?

I have BPD, and have lost friends along the way. I don't blame them, as I was super hard work. Friendships should not be hard work, and no one owes us one anyway.
I have had a lot of therapy and support from professionals. Like a PP said, you would not turn to your friends to fix your cancer or broken limb... and it is no different with MH.

This is a very healthy attitute to have, good for you!

What sort of personality disorders come under this category and what sort of things have been done by people you know with them?

The Person I knew had borderline personality disorder (as well as other issues) and they physically attacked me more than once.

MH is too board a term; it covers everything from mild depression to full blown psychosis. When it comes to support from friends and family, those 2 are incomparable.

My DH has depression and there have been far more good times than bad in our time together. The bad times are tough but we've got a good rhythm and work well together when he signals he needs a bit extra support. That is not comparable to be married to someone who has active fits of psychotic rage, or someone with something like BPD that can be extremely difficult to support.

Has there been a incident in particular that you're referring to?

Some mentally I people are draining. My mother su ks the very core out of your marrow and leaves you utterly drained in a psychic vampire way. Nobody ever knew I had CPTSD because if I was feeling down and not able to socialise I just stayed at home and proper medication makes a huge fifference. My mother refused to take any kind of medication.

Friendship come in all different shapes and sizes. So does mental illness.

I don't think a blanket assumption of being friends/ no friends with someone who is mentally ill.

It's all way too nuanced to make that kind of statement.

I've supported people through all sorts. I'd hope that if it were me they'd support me.

I've also encountered people who have attempted to harm me or others for no discernible reason and I give them the widest berth possible. If they can't recognise any issue with their behaviour, I'm not going near.

I've stepped back from people who have repeatedly let me down on arrangements, and where the friendship has felt one sided even in the better times.

You can't constantly prioritise someone else's well-being over your own but I genuinely think most people do their best to empathise and support.

What's the backstop op. Are you a student doing research, are you struggling with a friend with mh difficulties or are struggling with your own mh? Its very vague.
I have a relative who has blamed their mh for everything; violent out bursts, drug taking, criminal activity, not working and not caring for their dc. My sympathy is now zero because they refuse to seek professional help.

I think being a friend is important, leaving trying to fix their problems is best left to the professionals.

I had problems about 8 years ago there was virtually no help available.

This is true. I had PTSD from something horrific that happened to me in my mid-teens and then something else in my late teens. This resulted in anxiety and depression and I had panic attacks mostly in private unless I was faced with a trigger and in front of others. These attacks can still be triggered but it’s not often (in my 20s now). I lost all my school and college friends. They stopped asking me to meet up (not that I declined). I wasn’t one of those who kept talking about myself and woe is me. I wanted a distraction but all my ‘friends’ thought I wasn’t fun anymore or maybe mad once they knew I was under a psychiatrist😕

I found new friends at Uni and as an adult, but I was lonely as a teen.

Absolutely agree with this. I have generalised anxiety disorder and it can present in many ways at different times. I know some of my triggers, some are very random. I wouldn’t expect my friends to carry my burden constantly as it isn’t fair on them. They are 100% supportive of me, but I have to know where the draw the line with them as otherwise it isn’t fair on them.

Having bad friends yourself does not make this the norm. Most friends are very supportive and, if they arent, they are not your friends.

I supported my friend with mental health problems for a very long time. I was the only person they could open up to and they occasionally had suicidal ideation, so I didn't feel I could ever not be there when they needed me.

Unfortunately my support for them was to the detriment of my own mental health and to my family relationships. I would recommend that people in my situation get support and advice to create boundaries and protect themselves.

@jumanjigertrude who is saying people with mental health professionals should only associate with professionals. And can you give the context about what’s happening.

Because I have never heard anyone make such a sweeping statement about all people with mental health issues. There maybe be specific instances where people have advised a specific person would be better getting professional help before embarking on new relationships (romantic and non romantic) but that will be for very specific reasons.

I suspect you have a very specific situation and trying to turn it in to a very generalised statement .

I don't think I heard that saying.

It's very different being a supportive friend to someone with treated mild depression / anxiety and someone with untreated psychosis or severe personality disorder.

I would say it's healthy to step away from any friendship or relationship that is detrimental to your own well being though.

Sounds like you’re describing my mother and I

I agree with the person who said if it was another medical condition, you wouldn't expect your friends to be able to fix it.

A very good friend of mine refuses to continue with counselling (2 sessions, and she announced briskly "I'm fine!"), won't take meds and looks down on those that do (me), and ignores medical professionals, her husband and me when we have told her she needs ADs. I've just had to cut contact and I miss her terribly. Every meeting was 100% trauma dumping and I have had serious MH challenges myself. She needs a professional counsellor.

its fine to talk to friends about your MH issues if you’re close enough etc. I certainly do and friends tell me things too, which is fine as I can relate, but I can’t take on fully someone’s issues and be their emotional crutch / I have two DCs who struggle w their MH so obviously they are my priority (they are young adults) and it can be tough going.
One friend would def like to offload more on me but I say - nicely - that she may want to speak to her GP if things are that bad and/or have some more therapy. I’m having cbt (nhs) myself currently which has helped somewhat.
For me personally I would tell a friend about my anxiety but I wouldn’t want it to dominate every conversation or be a substitute therapist - and I don’t want to completely offload on dh either.

Plenty of people only want friends to do nice things with. As soon as anyone has real issues they disappear

I used to know someone who expected me to deal with his mental health issues. Because I wouldn't, (my grandfather was dying, I had more important things to worry about including my own mental health) I got the blame for him being sectioned.

When I voiced my issues, (we met through a running club) I was told I should have known he was like that. I left the club not long after. He did too and I was told it was because of other people's behaviour towards him.

I have a friend with mental health issues, she's lovely but I do find her to much.
She regularly takes over doses and ends up in hostipal not to kill herself but for a cry for help or attention which she's admitted to me before, I value our friendship but I do have to take time out occasionally.
My son was critically Ill in hospital and she texted me saying she'd taken a over dose and I had to distance myself from her then.

As pp said, it depends on the severity of mental illness, and there are nuances.

I have a friend with severe health anxiety. We used to go away for the weekend or she would come to stay. I haven't dumped her, but I have had to distance myself a bit, because if we ever travel together or she comes to stay overnight, we end up going to A and E at 3 am because she thinks she is having a heart attack. You are right, I do want to have a good night's sleep without spending hours in A and E. These days we just meet for lunch or coffee. She still doesn't understand why I have distanced myself.

I have a number of friends with MH stuff going on, and I remain very close friends.

I HAD a friend with very poor MH - lots of problems, which she was actively aggrivating (taking drugs, binge drinking and not taking her prescribed medication or seeking appropriate support, kinda hard when you're high or drunk 24/7). Her lifestyle very much impacted mine once too many times and I blocked her. Previously I'd gone over and above so many times to support her but she crossed a line.

My son was critically Ill in hospital and she texted me saying she'd taken a over dose and I had to distance myself from her then

I had similar from the friend I mentioned above - dh post-op for cancer surgery and she emailed with pages of crap about how bad her life was. Pages of self sabotage, drug abuse and boozing. Blocked.