Too much hard work being friends with a mentally ill person?

[jumanjigertrude]

According to lots of people. Mentally ill people should only associate with professionals and should not seek help from friends or family, lest they cause them too much distress or disruption in their lives. The bad times outweigh the good times when dealing with people suffering with mental illness. It is too draining to deal with them. If that is the case, what are people going through mental illness supposed to do? If nobody wants to associate with them and treats them like a pariah, then what's the point?

I've never heard that opinion? On contrary - people are surely encouraged to speak about their feelings and seek support from those nearest??
However, those with severe mental illness, those who have been repeatedly committed to psychiatric units, are very hard work. A friend had a breakdown and I visited her weekly, supported her in doctor discussions (she did, and does, have a partner). But her behaviour when she was released was stalkerish. So at some point I had to cut all ties. I wasn't family. She had a partner, a brother. I felt I couldn't take any more responsibility for her on.

Sometimes what are now described as mental health issues are more like permanent personality traits.

When emotional states or behaviours are so consistent they are really personality traits and these are negative for other people, you don't have to 'support' people who are unpleasant to be around, even if they have a descriptive diagnosis for their unpleasantness.

Example would be: someone who has 'anxiety' has had this for 15years, made no progress, and because of this you have to go along with all their demands of turning up when demanded, going along with all their choices and putting all their needs above your own.

IMO this is a selfish person who consistently places and demands you put their needs above your own. Even if it's described as anxiety, it's become their personality.

On the other hand: kind and stable person going through a period of anxiety and seeking help for this and trying to remain aware that this places demands on others. You support them and make adjustments and put their needs above your own, as they hopefully move back towards being the mutually supportive you know.

Sometimes though a MH diagnosis is a recognition of a person who is unable to engage in socially reciprocal relationships.
Your not obliged to be friends with unpleasant people even if they have a diagnosis which describes their unpleasantness.

You can make a judgement: is this a good person with MH difficulties?
Or is this a selfish dick with mental health difficulties?

I have one friend in particular who is struggling and it can be emotionally draining sometimes, but I'd rather have her in my life than not, so I've made sure she knows she can reach me whenever she needs to. She is getting help from professionals around her S/H, but I am trying to encourage her to also speak to them about her drinking as her decline in MH tallies almost exactly with her increased alcohol intake since covid-19

I have had to cut a good friend out of my life in the past due to her MH issues.

I have my own life and my own problems. I do not have the capacity to talk to someone on the phone from 3-5am because they are threatening suicide again (with no attempts having been made and no actual plans to). Maybe that makes me a bad person.

Every case is different but for me it was constant drama. Couldn't have a normal conversation or meal out without something chaotic being said or done. My life was better after I ended the friendship, harsh but true.

Excellent post.

I have had terrible mental health issues in my life. My friends have been a support to me but also I recognise I have drained them. I supported them as best I could through the years and now I am healthier I do my best to be there for those who are visibly struggling. I reach out to people a lot. And under the radar too so that people know they can come to me.

However one friend who I have supported a lot for a few years now is becoming hostile to me, other people and is actively mean to me at times and throws things back in my face. I’ve stepped away from that. I am sure she will say it’s because she’s depressed. It’s not, it’s because I’ve finally seen her personality. I hardly ever let people go, I try very hard to be a good friend, but this one I just can’t because she makes me feel attacked.

I have a friend with MH issues and I have learned to keep it light and not spend too much time with her because she tends to offload on me. It is always about her. Me,me ,me. She is a warm person and hasn’t always been so difficult so I don’t want to totally cut her out. She tends to develop a strong hatred of people for very small issues,which I am wary of( me next time ?). It is hard because she doesn’t have many friends but if I do invite her round she just won’t leave, even with broad hints. I have found it is best to meet at a cafe so I can go after a reasonable time !

Throughout my adult life Ive had several people latch onto me and absolutely drain me with their mental health problems. I just can't do it anymore. I have my own life to deal with, let alone someone else's issues. In my experience, you get absolutely nothing in return.

If I had a physical health issue, such as a boil that needed lancing, I wouldn't expect my mate to lance it. I'd get some professional help. Same for mental illness.

It is simply not true that everyone has mental health issues.
That is like saying to someone with cancer that everyone has physical health issues

And there is little help there professally. Instead people are told to reach out to friends and family. Who are not interested.
There is no help. Not really

That's fine I know the truth. I continue to struggle with my disabled DD with a life limiting condition and I don't burden anyone. I know I will become even more isolated if I do.
Instead I keep taking the medication. Only help available.

I don't recognise what the OP is saying and there is clearly something for them behind starting this thread.

I do think it's important to protect yourself and your wellbeing in any relationship.
Supporting someone with a mental health condition can be exhausting and difficult.

That's not a judgment or a rejection of them as a person but it's the reality.
Getting the balance between being a good friend and end up being an unofficial carer for someone is tricky. It's easy to get pulled in beyond what feels comfortable.

I have quite a lot of personal and professional experience with people with personality disorders and it can be really intense spending extended time with them. It's emotionally draining.

There's also the risk of vicarious trauma which affects professionals working in fields like DA, mental health services etc but is a real risk for friends and relatives too.

Media is full of bullshit and virtual signalers.

Now yes there are people who cut other's off a first sign of trouble or any kind of difficulties I've experienced that not due to mental illness but succession of bad luck - it hurts but usually shows they weren't friends or supportive people.

Most people it's people putting in boundaries - many people even those outside the situation judge others for doing so because they see effect on stepping back not what happens if the person doesn't. Plus sometimes well meaning people make situation worse because their support prolongs situation and when they realise or can't go on step

Ill people themselves may not understand the effect they are having on others
and sometime they don't realise there is other stuff going on because everyone is trying to not burden them as they are ill.

I think your post is really quite naive because it assumes in a two person friendship, one person has MH struggles and the other person has a positively great life.

Professionals should always be the first port of call if you’re in crisis because they have the correct training to be able to support you properly and help you. Friends and family have no such training and as a result will often find it difficult.

Friends and family also have their own myriad of issues in their lives that they’ll be trying to deal with. They may not be diagnosed with a MH disorder but they very well may be going challenging times themselves and simply cannot add more to their plate. Eg debt and financial worries, relationship/marriage breakdowns, health issues of another nature, perhaps one of their children may be having health issues or SN, grief, etc.

Friends and family will often take on more than they should because they care about the person who is struggling with their MH, but they cannot drown themselves trying to help someone else.

What would make you happy? If your friends provide so much support that they can’t sustain that they themselves fall into MH difficulties and develop depression?

I’m all for being honest and open when it comes to MH struggles, I’ve had them myself. But there is a huge difference between reaching out to a friend for support and talking about it, than needing them to hold you up every single day of your life. If that is the level of support you need, then you need to seek professional help. You cannot expect friends and family to put their lives on hold to be on call to you 24/7.

This is a fairly new thing I’ve noticed as well. Before people didn’t talk about MH issues at all (which was incredibly unhealthy), but we’ve reached a point now where there is a proportion of the population who feel that their issues trump every other person’s and they should be the priority in every scenario. In work, at home, in a friendship group. That is the scenario where people will step back because it is too draining for them to deal with. And that is a perfectly acceptable choice to make.

@TripleDaisySummer I agree with the boundaries thing. Someone maintaining a healthy boundary could look to the other person as rejection or a total withdrawal from them.

That's hard to manage if the unwell can't understand or accept this.

I had a similar situation with a relative. Not mental health related but a difficult relationship. They couldn't/wouldn't accept my boundaries around how often I saw them and what I would do so I ended up having to stop seeing them at all because for them it was all or nothing.

Indeed. While my friend was having health anxiety, my DS actually had severe asthma and was hospitalised.

I'd get some professional help. Same for mental illness.

That's a simplification though. If I have a burn or boil, they're easily treated. A med student could do it. Certainly my then 4 year old dressed a bad steam burn on my arm supervised by his Doctor Auntie. Mental health is often far more complex. I have pstd and gad. I can't take SSRIs because they give me constant migraines and neurological symptoms. I tried antipyschotics off label but the fear of weight gain made my mental health worse (I stopped eating) so my psychiatrist told me to stop. I asked what else I could try...nothing. I've had 2 years worth of therapy which didn't work.

I don't burden my friends though but even that's not always enough. Sometimes the fact that you can't always be happy and smiling and ready to party is problematic too.

It's true that MH is very hard to cure. I don't know what the answer is.

Not MH. Mental illness.

I think there is a lot of medicalisation of what is essentially personality or trait differences going on currently.

From anxiety to ADHD it presupposes there is a group of normal functioning people who don't have problems and are required to selflessly be supports to the more needy or different people.

The only situation in which the people who are fine Vs people who have to be supported dynamic works is with severe disability which is collectively recognised as significantly different.

Unfortunately those with significant disability whether mental or physical health are being obscured by the huge numbers of people with diagnoses that really just describe a personality or trait level difference.

Those type of differences should be sorted through normal social interaction. I.e.: do I like this person?

I’ve not heard that either but it can be draining on your own MH and there’s no shame in stepping back to protect yourself.

This. How many people in real life are 100% totally fine. No neurodiversity (including undiagnosed), no mental health issues (including things that can be short term like anxiety or stress), no worrying physical health issues that cause stress, nothing at all going on which can mean they can spend hours devoted to helping others.
I can't stand people who are always late. Whether this is caused by ADHD or just personality or laziness it doesn't really matter to me. If someone is always late I'll either back away from the friendship or only meet them for things where time doesn't matter. I don't care what causes the lateness. I don't like it and don't particularly want to tolerate it from anyone. I'm also autistic. I'm sure I have PLENTY of traits people don't like about me. That's fine. I don't want someone being my friend because they feel they have to be or because they feel sorry for me.

I stepped away from a friend with MH issues, as I was having a hard time with depression and she was draining the fucking life out of me.

She was very clingy and wouldn't accept that I didn't want to meet up and do something every day, or for that matter that I might receive her WhatsApp while carrying shopping on a busy pavement, look at it, and think "well it's not important, I'll reply when I'm home in 10 minutes". Yes, I got a "you read my message and didn't reply why are you angry with me?!?!" message by the time I went to answer.

We lived on the same small estate, with me right by the entrance/exit, so I didn't even feel able to white lie to get out of anything.

I'm sure if you asked her, I was unreliable, or distant or whatever. But I had three kids, a marriage and a part time job and couldn't handle the amount of involvement she wanted.

I just wanted to say, I don't know if my friend's behaviour is from personality or her MH illness. Her illness was certainly being managed, but that doesn't make people 100% all the time, and as with every experience we have, past MH issues can shape our personalities in the future.

I've never heard anyone say that.

Friendships are a two-way street and if you need support from a friend you need to look at whether you are also providing support to your friends in other capacities. If it is just one way then you aren't being a friend and people may become frustrated or drained.

Are you treating your friends as friends or as counsellors? Not everyone feels comfortable in that role. If you aren't taking an interest in your friend's lives, then people may be inclined to distance themselves because they don't think you're being a good friend, not because of your mental health issues.