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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be heartbroken

100 replies

Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 11:18

Name changed as quite outing .

In 2016 myself and my ExH lost our daughter. My DD was only 4 years old and spent her whole life fighting cancer. It was a very traumatic 4 years in my life. The 2 years that followed were extremely hard. Myself and Exh divorced, no harsh feelings we both grieved very differently and could not cope being together.

Anyways in 2020 my ExH remarried, I was very happy for him and attended the wedding, I am quite friendly with his new wife and she is very kind, taking a steo back and letting us mourne our daughters death together ie her birthday, anniversary etc I should also note we have no more children. DD was our one and only.

Fast forward late last year they announced their first pregnancy, I can honestly say I was a little heartbroken, but life does move on.

On to the aibu, exh and new wife came over yesterday and announced they were having a baby girl and wanted to give her DD name to honour her 😯 now this is my aibu I absolutely lost my shit. Told him he couldn't replace our DD and reuse her name, it's an insult to use as his new child's FIRST name and could he mabey use as a middle name! Exh says it's a beautiful tribute, alot of voices were raised and I chucked them both out of house.

I am absolutely devastated. I've not stopped crying! Aibu to not want my daughter's name used for his new daughter?

OP posts:
SecretVictoria · 16/05/2023 11:20

YANBU and sorry for your loss. It’s strange from your ex too, like the new baby is a replacement for your shared DD. Middle name would be more appropriate IMO.

Original poster
Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 11:25

It is very strange I'm not sure if he's blinded by his grief but I have no idea why his wife would even agree to this

OP posts:
BellaJuno · 16/05/2023 11:25

I‘m so sorry OP, I’d be devastated too.

Nodinnernogift · 16/05/2023 11:25

No yanbu to not want this and I can see why you were shocked and had a massive reaction.

It sounds like very poor judgment on their part.

However, very kindly I think you should explain you were shocked and apologize for how heated it all got. Tell them you really really don't want them to use the name and I'm sure they won't even consider it. I think it was a terrible suggestion from them, truly awful. But you don't need anymore stress in your life and a fallout would cause that.

Nordicrain · 16/05/2023 11:26

I am so sorry for your loss. And yes, their idea is absolutely awful. I would be super upset and offended too. How shitty.

VickyEadieofThigh · 16/05/2023 11:30

Middle name would be a tribute. First name? Absolutely not.

AncientBallerina · 16/05/2023 11:32

It’s a terrible burden to place on the new baby also. She is not a replacement- she is a new person in her own right. What a terrible thing to have to live with - having the name of your sister who died tragically. They shouldn’t even use her name as a middle name
I would have lost my reason too and I don’t think you should apologise.

AncientBallerina · 16/05/2023 11:34

Is there a third party e.g. one of your ex in laws who could speak to them maybe about the (lack of) wisdom with doing this?

HolyFuckerRooney · 16/05/2023 11:35

I think it's ill judged too and I'd feel the same
So sorry for your loss @Hardpilltoswallow

readbooksdrinktea · 16/05/2023 11:35

I'd have lost my shit as well, and I also agree that it isn't fair to the child.

They are being absolutely unreasonable.

Original poster
Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 11:41

Yes I fully intend to have another conversation with them when I've composed myself. My mum has called in today and is herself absolutely disgusted at this suggestion of name. I think I'll ask speak to exh alone we have alot of history and I don't want to fall out with him but I honestly can't cope with this. I've just about pulled myself back from the brink

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 16/05/2023 11:46

Yanbu that is disgusting. I would have lost my shit as well.

Pottedpalm · 16/05/2023 11:50

No, this is just wrong. You are not being unreasonable. At all.

fireflyloo · 16/05/2023 11:51

That is disgusting to suggest it. A middle name would be ok but not a first. I honestly cannot fathom why your ex would want to do this.

PsychoHotSauce · 16/05/2023 11:52

Assuming you can appeal to this side of him, but mention that it's not fair for a child to spend their lives living in the shadow of another child they've never met.

Possibly even see if he'll talk through his reasoning with a counsellor who might be able to shed light on both his own thinking, and practicalities for this child's whole life in an impartial way?

Original poster
Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 11:52

The thing is I was heartbroken at first he was having another child but after that I got excited. We are very close and I wanted to be a kind of aunt to his new baby, after all it's my daughter's sister, she will have her DNA and mabey resemble her. I wanted to be a small part of my daughters sisters life. I cannot do this if she has my daughter's name 😭

OP posts:
Emelene · 16/05/2023 11:52

YANBU. I’m sure anyone would be devastated in that situation.

I agree it would be a huge burden on the new baby and painful for you too.

I agree it might be a good idea for someone else to talk to him about this. If your ex wanted to pay tribute to your DD, I’m sure there are other ways he can do this.

FlamingoQueen · 16/05/2023 11:53

I don’t blame you for being upset. A middle name would probably be ok, but not as a first name. No way.
I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

TheSnowyOwl · 16/05/2023 11:54

Yanbu to not want this but, and I say this as a parent who has also had a daughter die, parents grieve differently and neither of your view on this supersedes the other’s view.

I’m really sorry for what you have been through but I don’t think either of you are wrong or unreasonable to have different opinions on this.

ThatFraggle · 16/05/2023 11:56

fireflyloo · 16/05/2023 11:51

That is disgusting to suggest it. A middle name would be ok but not a first. I honestly cannot fathom why your ex would want to do this.

Maybe the ex is blinded by grief. But for his wife to actually go along with it to the extent of coming to your house to talk about this is crazy.

I would contact the wife's parents. A neutral third party. They will tell the expectant couple this is absolutely bonkers.

Presumably the child would have the same name and surname, with a different middle name. Imagine how it will be when the child finds out they have been named for a deceased sibling.

Original poster
Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 11:56

TheSnowyOwl · 16/05/2023 11:54

Yanbu to not want this but, and I say this as a parent who has also had a daughter die, parents grieve differently and neither of your view on this supersedes the other’s view.

I’m really sorry for what you have been through but I don’t think either of you are wrong or unreasonable to have different opinions on this.

This I agree with and that's the reason of our divorce we dealt with it completely differently. Both heartbroken, we couldn't support each other at all. I know he's still devastated loosing our little girl as much as I am. I must don't understand how he can have a new baby with her name, surely that will bring back so many memories for him, which unfortunately are mostly sad Memories of her being very sick

OP posts:
Original poster
Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 11:59

ThatFraggle · 16/05/2023 11:56

Maybe the ex is blinded by grief. But for his wife to actually go along with it to the extent of coming to your house to talk about this is crazy.

I would contact the wife's parents. A neutral third party. They will tell the expectant couple this is absolutely bonkers.

Presumably the child would have the same name and surname, with a different middle name. Imagine how it will be when the child finds out they have been named for a deceased sibling.

Show quote history

Honestly I don't want to run to other people in the family either, I want a conversation with exh.

I've texted him to ask can he come over this evening as things got heated and emotions were out of control. He's said he will come over around 6.30pm

OP posts:
BillyNoM8s · 16/05/2023 12:03

Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 11:52

The thing is I was heartbroken at first he was having another child but after that I got excited. We are very close and I wanted to be a kind of aunt to his new baby, after all it's my daughter's sister, she will have her DNA and mabey resemble her. I wanted to be a small part of my daughters sisters life. I cannot do this if she has my daughter's name 😭

Sorry for your loss. YADNBU about the name. Aside from him suggesting it, I'm surprised his wife would agree to that. I'm not sure it's even appropriate as a middle name to be honest.

I don't know how I'd feel about the above paragraph if I were his current spouse though. I wouldn't want or need my husband's ex to be an aunt figure to my child.

I'd be interested to hear her take on everything. She's clearly a much kinder and more understanding person than I am.

You have shared history, but are you perhaps a bit too reliant(?) on him still?

Minfilia · 16/05/2023 12:04

Middle name fine. First name - totally fucked up. YANBU, at all.

For your own benefit though OP I think you really need to take a step back. The new child has no link to you at all and expecting a relationship with your exs child could end very badly for you and just compound any feelings of loss.

Im sorry about your DD.

givemushypeasachance · 16/05/2023 12:05

Do you come from different cultural backgrounds? I appreciate that you find the concept very upsetting, and that isn't wrong or right - it's just how you feel about the situation. But for some people, naming a baby after a relative or friend who has died is a way to honour and remember that lost person. And again, some people say well as a middle name that is appropriate but as a first name no that's terrible - that's just an interpretation and how they feel about it.

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