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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be heartbroken

100 replies

Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 11:18

Name changed as quite outing .

In 2016 myself and my ExH lost our daughter. My DD was only 4 years old and spent her whole life fighting cancer. It was a very traumatic 4 years in my life. The 2 years that followed were extremely hard. Myself and Exh divorced, no harsh feelings we both grieved very differently and could not cope being together.

Anyways in 2020 my ExH remarried, I was very happy for him and attended the wedding, I am quite friendly with his new wife and she is very kind, taking a steo back and letting us mourne our daughters death together ie her birthday, anniversary etc I should also note we have no more children. DD was our one and only.

Fast forward late last year they announced their first pregnancy, I can honestly say I was a little heartbroken, but life does move on.

On to the aibu, exh and new wife came over yesterday and announced they were having a baby girl and wanted to give her DD name to honour her 😯 now this is my aibu I absolutely lost my shit. Told him he couldn't replace our DD and reuse her name, it's an insult to use as his new child's FIRST name and could he mabey use as a middle name! Exh says it's a beautiful tribute, alot of voices were raised and I chucked them both out of house.

I am absolutely devastated. I've not stopped crying! Aibu to not want my daughter's name used for his new daughter?

OP posts:
Aaaaandbreathe · 16/05/2023 12:06

AncientBallerina · 16/05/2023 11:32

It’s a terrible burden to place on the new baby also. She is not a replacement- she is a new person in her own right. What a terrible thing to have to live with - having the name of your sister who died tragically. They shouldn’t even use her name as a middle name
I would have lost my reason too and I don’t think you should apologise.

I agree wholeheartedly with the first part of this, but not about the middle name. That is a respectful tribute. First name is not, for both children, and OP you are absolutely not being unreasonable to be so upset. I'm not sure what you can do about it but I'd really be firm on this and hopefully, as you've had a good relationship, they will realise it's inappropriate.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 12:07

BillyNoM8s · 16/05/2023 12:03

Sorry for your loss. YADNBU about the name. Aside from him suggesting it, I'm surprised his wife would agree to that. I'm not sure it's even appropriate as a middle name to be honest.

I don't know how I'd feel about the above paragraph if I were his current spouse though. I wouldn't want or need my husband's ex to be an aunt figure to my child.

I'd be interested to hear her take on everything. She's clearly a much kinder and more understanding person than I am.

You have shared history, but are you perhaps a bit too reliant(?) on him still?

Show quote history

His wife is a brilliant woman who has always supported our need to do things together on anniversary, birthdays etc. Absolutely not reliant on him what so ever, we have completely different lives, we speak around once a week to see how each other is doing. Sometimes we will call if one is having a bad day or just want to speak about DD.

His wife told me at start of pregnancy that she wanted Their child to know me as we are a family, I'm her child's sisters mother. As I said new wife is a lovely woman, I can't understand why she thinks this was ok

OP posts:
Aaaaandbreathe · 16/05/2023 12:09

Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 11:52

The thing is I was heartbroken at first he was having another child but after that I got excited. We are very close and I wanted to be a kind of aunt to his new baby, after all it's my daughter's sister, she will have her DNA and mabey resemble her. I wanted to be a small part of my daughters sisters life. I cannot do this if she has my daughter's name 😭

💝you sound so lovely. I hope it's just bad judgement with good intentions on their part and they'll realise it's wrong.

NBLarsen · 16/05/2023 12:14

It's no wonder you lost it with them. Reusing the name is a terrible idea! And I disagree with others, I don't even think using the name as the baby's middle name is ok either.
The baby deserves her own name, she is her own person, not just the sister of your daughter. It's not fair on her to attach the memory of her deceased sister to her name.

I think it would be wise to have another conversation about the name and explain why it's so hurtful to you, but prepare yourself that they may not hear you.

I also wonder if it would be beneficial to you to separate yourself fully from their lives, this might be the time to do it. Perhaps come together to share your daughter's birthday or anniversary, but have no other part or involvement in their life.

Original poster
Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 12:15

I've had the following text from new wife, I'm assuming exh has told her I've asked to meet this evening

'Hey
Im very sorry for how everything went down. I could see you were completely blindsighted and I new instantly this was a bad idea. To be honest I was following H lead, trying to be respectful of his decision on baby's name. I've never lost a child and he ensured me it was a beautiful tribute and you would be happy. I of course will not go through with something that makes you so uncomfortable and will be having a conversation with H when he is home from work'

😭😭😭😭

OP posts:
JulieHoney · 16/05/2023 12:16

Just imagine the trauma of their child, as well, learning that she's got the same name as her sister who died... they may as well tell the kid she's a stand in! "Lost the real one so got a replacement" - years of therapy loom.

Not only shockingly insensitive to you and the memory of your little girl, but really f'd up for the new child too.

JulieHoney · 16/05/2023 12:17

Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 12:15

I've had the following text from new wife, I'm assuming exh has told her I've asked to meet this evening

'Hey
Im very sorry for how everything went down. I could see you were completely blindsighted and I new instantly this was a bad idea. To be honest I was following H lead, trying to be respectful of his decision on baby's name. I've never lost a child and he ensured me it was a beautiful tribute and you would be happy. I of course will not go through with something that makes you so uncomfortable and will be having a conversation with H when he is home from work'

😭😭😭😭

sorry, cross-posted. She sounds wonderful. Heaps of sympathy to you.

BillyNoM8s · 16/05/2023 12:17

Just be mindful of your own mental health in the midst of all this. I'm not sure it's healthy to maintain this level of contact - might it prevent you moving forward yourself?

You might find it a hell of a lot harder than you imagine once the baby arrives and they will be busy and distracted with a newborn etc. She may not be this understanding indefinitely.

I hope he sees sense when you speak. If you don't want her name used in any way then I do think he should be respectful of your wishes.

PsychoHotSauce · 16/05/2023 12:18

Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 12:15

I've had the following text from new wife, I'm assuming exh has told her I've asked to meet this evening

'Hey
Im very sorry for how everything went down. I could see you were completely blindsighted and I new instantly this was a bad idea. To be honest I was following H lead, trying to be respectful of his decision on baby's name. I've never lost a child and he ensured me it was a beautiful tribute and you would be happy. I of course will not go through with something that makes you so uncomfortable and will be having a conversation with H when he is home from work'

😭😭😭😭

Oh she's lovely Flowers hopefully she can get through to him without too much pain for either you or exH!

Original poster
Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 12:20

I honestly think exh needs some form of therapy, I dove heavily into it to pull myself back but he's a 'mans man' and refused. To be totally honest he is the one who makes the contact, of course I do on anniversaries, birthdays etc to arrange things but he weekly calls me. I don't think he's fully processed everything to be completely honest. Mabey it is time to take a step back but I do have a lovely relationship with his wife, I've offered a few of DD old things to her for nursery as I think that would be a beautiful tribute. I have called my therapist to arrange for tomorrow as my head is in a spin over everything

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 16/05/2023 12:26

What a lovely text from his W. She does sound like a nice person.

But no YANBU in the slightest. When I was reading you post when I got to that point I actually said 'oh no' out loud to myself.

What you have (both) been through no parent should face. I am so sorry for your loss.

Good idea talking to your therapist tomorrow. You can let everything out

AgrathaChristie · 16/05/2023 12:29

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I think his wife sounds like she has her head screwed on and hopefully will divert him into choosing other names. 💐

WhyOhWine · 16/05/2023 12:30

I know someone who called his second child the male version of his first child's name (different mothers). Think Oliver and Olivia (not that but could similarly end up with same nn). I thought even that was strange. It is highly unusual for someone to have 2 children with the same name, and i don't think the fact your DD has sadly died changes that. Plus obviously so traumatic for you and potentially difficult for the child as others have said. At least his DW is sensible (and seems lovely).

TooOldForThisNonsense · 16/05/2023 12:30

Oh my goodness. How distressing x

YANBU at all, what a sad situation. Like others, I’m shocked his new wife has agreed to it.

EllandRd · 16/05/2023 12:31

Oh OP I am so so sorry for your loss, sending you all my love. I absolutely understand why you are upset, I think your ex carelessly thought he was doing something beautiful, I think you are just on the wrong page.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 16/05/2023 12:35

Oh I’ve just seen the update. That’s good. She sounds very thoughtful. Fingers crossed she’ll also now (gently) put her foot down with him too and they’ll pick a different name x

vonniee · 16/05/2023 12:36

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost 2 babies and I'd be devastated if anyone close had used their names.

Can you explain to him how hard it would be seeing their 'dd name' reaching all the milestones that yours didn't? Such an awful situation I really feel for you.

Lampzade · 16/05/2023 12:37

Sorry for your loss Op.
Your ex dh obviously thought he was doing a good thing band saw this as a tribute to your dd.
His lovely wife agreed with him because she was told that it would make you happy.
Feel sorry for all involved

Figgygal · 16/05/2023 12:37

Also gobsmacked at his proposal
His wife sounds like she was stuck in the middle
It's a truly awful idea but coming from a confused place of grief
Hope you can have a constructive conversation later

Emeraldrings · 16/05/2023 12:40

I wondered right from the start if his wife thought giving their child your daughters name wasn't a good idea. I was going to ask if she wanted to find out how you felt about it because she didn't think it was a good idea
So it would appear. I have never lost a child but I just can't imagine why you'd want to call your next child the same name, almost like he's trying to replace her.
Having said that he didn't do this with the intention of upsetting you and hopefully with you and his wife on the same page he'll realise it's not a lovely tribute at all.

Sheepsheepeverywhere · 16/05/2023 12:41

Maybe he thinks he can use his dd as a substitute and somehow mask the grief that way?
Hopefully he will rethink...

LoonyLois · 16/05/2023 12:41

I do think you need to step back for your own sanity. It’s not normal to be an “aunt” to your ex new baby.

Original poster
Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 12:43

I'm feeling alot better after text from his wife to be honest. I know he deep down thought this would be a beautiful tribute to DD, clearly not thinking straight. We will have a good conversation later, most likely full of tears 😭 loosing a child is such a dark place and something that I'll never ever recover from, I'm glad he's found happiness and is having the chance of another family. I myself have made peace that I won't have any more children, the tramua is to much for me. I do have a wonderful partner who has his own children who we have 50/50 and I'm content with that

OP posts:
BanditsOnTheHorizon · 16/05/2023 12:46

Imagine for a moment that you and your ex are still together and have just found out your having another girl, would you have given her the same name? Of course not. YANBU op and I can completely understand why you're upset. If they stick with their decision to use the name I'm not sure how you deal or come to terms with this

Original poster
Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 12:46

LoonyLois · 16/05/2023 12:41

I do think you need to step back for your own sanity. It’s not normal to be an “aunt” to your ex new baby.

Of course it's not normal but neither is loosing a 4 year old child to cancer. All of us, especially his wife, want their new baby to know me even slightly as I'm their sisters mother. I'm not saying I'll be heavily involved in her life, but I will certainly be there with presents for her birthdays and Christmas and as time goes on I'm sure she will be with myself and Exh when we do things to honour DD on her birthday/anniversary

OP posts: