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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be heartbroken

100 replies

Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 11:18

Name changed as quite outing .

In 2016 myself and my ExH lost our daughter. My DD was only 4 years old and spent her whole life fighting cancer. It was a very traumatic 4 years in my life. The 2 years that followed were extremely hard. Myself and Exh divorced, no harsh feelings we both grieved very differently and could not cope being together.

Anyways in 2020 my ExH remarried, I was very happy for him and attended the wedding, I am quite friendly with his new wife and she is very kind, taking a steo back and letting us mourne our daughters death together ie her birthday, anniversary etc I should also note we have no more children. DD was our one and only.

Fast forward late last year they announced their first pregnancy, I can honestly say I was a little heartbroken, but life does move on.

On to the aibu, exh and new wife came over yesterday and announced they were having a baby girl and wanted to give her DD name to honour her 😯 now this is my aibu I absolutely lost my shit. Told him he couldn't replace our DD and reuse her name, it's an insult to use as his new child's FIRST name and could he mabey use as a middle name! Exh says it's a beautiful tribute, alot of voices were raised and I chucked them both out of house.

I am absolutely devastated. I've not stopped crying! Aibu to not want my daughter's name used for his new daughter?

OP posts:
UnderPar · 16/05/2023 12:49

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Anybody would react the way you did.

However, I can understand why your ex might have thought it would be ok. Some people do think like that.

I suggest a compromise would be to take a syllable from your daughter’s name and put it into a new name. Then the new child has a story to tell about her big sister but will feel her name is her own.

Annie > Anastasia
Carolyn > Lynnette

CC222 · 16/05/2023 12:49

It's very strange he would want to have 2 children with the same first name!
I'm so very sorry for your loss, you have every right to be upset about this xx

AnonyMenOhPee · 16/05/2023 12:49

You sound really understanding and thank god his wife sent you that text and she will change his mind. It sounds like they were both acting with the best misguided intentions and you can all sort it out between you.

im so sorry for your loss OP 💐

Justalittlebitduckling · 16/05/2023 12:51

I’m so sorry. How devastating for you. I really can’t think of anything to say that could make you feel better about this.

Anoana · 16/05/2023 12:51

I think you all sound like you've negotiated a lovely relationship when it might have been easier not to.

Sounds like exH will be outnumbered anyway, and will likely see the reasonable side with a calmer conversation.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like wonderful parents.

Strawberrydelight78 · 16/05/2023 12:52

I would be happy if they have her name as a middle name. But not as a first name. So sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 12:52

Anoana · 16/05/2023 12:51

I think you all sound like you've negotiated a lovely relationship when it might have been easier not to.

Sounds like exH will be outnumbered anyway, and will likely see the reasonable side with a calmer conversation.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound like wonderful parents.

Thank you that was very kind ❤️

OP posts:
TakeInIroning · 16/05/2023 12:53

How upsetting and you are not unreasonable for this to happen-I didn't even want my cat to have the same name as a cat who died and this is a million times worse.

Maybe let the dust settle a bit and then speak to your ex again.-the compromise of giving the child your daughter's name as a middle one is not unreasonable, would not tear you apart and would still honour your daughter.

If they refuse to do this, then you will have to decide whether or not you can cope and, if you can, to what to extent, as well as weighing up if this is worth not having them in your life. Only you know the answer to all this and I wager that that answer will vary day to day. So, don't rush. Think carefully and don't put yourself under pressure.

Whatever you decide will be right for you.

vitahelp · 16/05/2023 12:55

No this isn't ok, and I'm a very laid back person. They could use it as a middle name, but not first name, absolutely not. In my opinion it needs to be a mutual unanimous decision between you and ExH and you have vetoed it. I am upset for you.
I also think it would be odd for the new child to grow up and realise you the background of your first name.

Catspyjamas17 · 16/05/2023 12:57

YANBU, they have been really heartless. 💐

BakedTattie · 16/05/2023 12:58

You all sound like wonderful people, you really do. What an amazing thing to come out of such a dark and awful time.

I can’t even imagine how hard it is losing a child.

I can kind of see how he would possibly think it a lovely tribute, but yanbu, it’s completely
Inappropriate and very upsetting to you.

wishing you all the best

Blossomandblooms · 16/05/2023 13:01

Oh OP, I am sending you lots of love and virtual hugs. What an absolutely stupid idea they have - as a middle name, I think that is a lovely tribute. As a first name, however, that's incredibly inconsiderate and thoughtless.

Your DD will never be replaced - she was and is with you always and I am so sorry for your loss xx

2bazookas · 16/05/2023 13:01

IF his new wife even wants this, I would be fucking amazed.

Surely this can only be coming from your ex. I think if you stand your ground and tell them it's too painful, too much, just NO

your best ally and supporter will be the new mother.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 16/05/2023 13:03

I am so sorry for your loss OP. You sound like a wonderful woman. Hopefully you and your ex can talk it out later. I think its lovely you are still a part of each others lives, all three of you sound lovely. Wishing you well 💐

IroningIsMyLife · 16/05/2023 13:03

Just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your truly devastating loss.

I also think that you, your ex-h and his new wife all sound like fantastic people. The fact you're able to maintain a good friendship, and that all of you would like you to be a part of your daughter's sister's life, sounds like a deeply positive thing.

Sending love to you all.

Lucyislooking · 16/05/2023 13:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GCWorkNightmare · 16/05/2023 13:04

I know someone that is named after an older brother that died at birth. He’s a mess. He has spent his entire life feeling like a replacement for someone else. I’ve often wondered what on earth his parents were thinking.

LakeTiticaca · 16/05/2023 13:06

So sorry for your loss and I agree it wouldn't be right to name their baby girl after your little one.
I think as a middle name.it would be acceptable as others have stated xx

letsgojo · 16/05/2023 13:07

I am so sorry for your loss xx

giraffesaregreat · 16/05/2023 13:09

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter - it must have been so traumatic and I completely understand why your life has changed forever. Your ex's wife seems like she will resolve the name issue, which is good to hear.

I hope you live the best life you can going forwards.

13Bastards · 16/05/2023 13:10

What a dreadful idea, I know grief is all consuming but has the wife not pushed back on this? I know I would.

I'm sorry for you loss. I think you need to have another chat and see if you can make them see reason

SerafinasGoose · 16/05/2023 13:15

I am so sorry about your little girl. 🌹

Of course what they are suggesting is unconscionable.

ICMB · 16/05/2023 13:16

That’s really creepy. I’d be upset too

Ruth41 · 16/05/2023 13:18

@Hardpilltoswallow One of my best friends was named for an older sibling, who had died as a baby (before my friend was born). My friend has been really uncomfortable with this throughout her life (she's in her 50s now). She mentions it from time to time, and can't understand what her parents were thinking when they "did that to her".

diddl · 16/05/2023 13:18

So sorry to read about your daughter Op.

So your ex says tribute but to me it smacks of trying to replace.

I feel quite sorry for his wife that he seemingly tried to bulldoze her into this.