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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be heartbroken

100 replies

Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 11:18

Name changed as quite outing .

In 2016 myself and my ExH lost our daughter. My DD was only 4 years old and spent her whole life fighting cancer. It was a very traumatic 4 years in my life. The 2 years that followed were extremely hard. Myself and Exh divorced, no harsh feelings we both grieved very differently and could not cope being together.

Anyways in 2020 my ExH remarried, I was very happy for him and attended the wedding, I am quite friendly with his new wife and she is very kind, taking a steo back and letting us mourne our daughters death together ie her birthday, anniversary etc I should also note we have no more children. DD was our one and only.

Fast forward late last year they announced their first pregnancy, I can honestly say I was a little heartbroken, but life does move on.

On to the aibu, exh and new wife came over yesterday and announced they were having a baby girl and wanted to give her DD name to honour her 😯 now this is my aibu I absolutely lost my shit. Told him he couldn't replace our DD and reuse her name, it's an insult to use as his new child's FIRST name and could he mabey use as a middle name! Exh says it's a beautiful tribute, alot of voices were raised and I chucked them both out of house.

I am absolutely devastated. I've not stopped crying! Aibu to not want my daughter's name used for his new daughter?

OP posts:

BigglyBee · 16/05/2023 13:23

Your post made me gasp, OP. I think this is very cruel of him. My daughter died at birth, and I simply wouldn't be able to cope with this. It would feel like he was rubbing my face in his new family, and gloating about it.

Do you think that gently separating yourself from him and filling the gaps with other people and things might help? The idea of being a loving aunt to his new child (even without the cruelty of the name) might feel like it would help you, but I think the reality could be very different.

The idea of remaining close is lovely, but please don't let it keep you from moving on with your own life.

AMuser · 16/05/2023 13:24

Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 12:46

Of course it's not normal but neither is loosing a 4 year old child to cancer. All of us, especially his wife, want their new baby to know me even slightly as I'm their sisters mother. I'm not saying I'll be heavily involved in her life, but I will certainly be there with presents for her birthdays and Christmas and as time goes on I'm sure she will be with myself and Exh when we do things to honour DD on her birthday/anniversary

Show quote history

I don’t think it’s for @LoonyLois to decree what is normal.

My sibling has a baby and their partner’s ex really does treat the baby like she’s an aunt and is a valued part of their extended family. It works for them and may well work for OP.

Blort · 16/05/2023 13:26

I'm in public reading your post and audibly gasped.

Absolutely horrible of them!!!

SirVixofVixHall · 16/05/2023 13:27

AncientBallerina · 16/05/2023 11:32

It’s a terrible burden to place on the new baby also. She is not a replacement- she is a new person in her own right. What a terrible thing to have to live with - having the name of your sister who died tragically. They shouldn’t even use her name as a middle name
I would have lost my reason too and I don’t think you should apologise.

I agree with this. I am named after a much loved cousin of my mother who died very young, but my name is not the same, it is a similar variant of hers. My mother felt it wouldn’t be kind to me to give me the same name, so my name is a little affectionate nod to her cousin without the burden.
With siblings I think that using the name again is really shocking and very unkind to the new baby, it could cause a lot of emotional pain later on.

Twiglets1 · 16/05/2023 13:28

That’s so insensitive.
YANBU

Cc1998 · 16/05/2023 13:29

Hardpilltoswallow · 16/05/2023 12:15

I've had the following text from new wife, I'm assuming exh has told her I've asked to meet this evening

'Hey
Im very sorry for how everything went down. I could see you were completely blindsighted and I new instantly this was a bad idea. To be honest I was following H lead, trying to be respectful of his decision on baby's name. I've never lost a child and he ensured me it was a beautiful tribute and you would be happy. I of course will not go through with something that makes you so uncomfortable and will be having a conversation with H when he is home from work'

😭😭😭😭

She sounds lovely. I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I hope they pick a more appropriate name and this is the start of something good and new. Thinking of you x

ShimmeringShirts · 16/05/2023 13:30

I am so sorry that you’ve both been through this, I can’t imagine the pain of it all. You’re not at all unreasonable in how you feel and your exhs wifes text was the loveliest thing about this entire situation. It sounds as though you are all incredibly supportive of each other, I hope you all manage to come through this and can celebrate the new baby when she arrives. No doubt it will be hard for you at times though, do you have a support outside of exh?

WheresSpring · 16/05/2023 13:33

Gosh, my sympathies for your loss. You all do sound like truly wonderful people to continue to support each other. I am so glad his wife has been able to reach out to you and be honest. (And yes, first name bad idea, middle name a lovely tribute).💐

eggsbenedict23 · 16/05/2023 13:34

Hearing stories of little children dieing hurts so much. I'm so sorry OP

LisbonKid · 16/05/2023 13:34

Ok, so I was named the same names as a deceased sibling.
First, middle and last names.
Think it used to be ‘the done thing’.
Not a good thing to do for a child at all
parents used to talk about their first ‘name’ daughter almost felt like I was being judged against the lost child.
Not healthy for anyone concerned and I think perhaps your ex knows this deep down.

Mischance · 16/05/2023 13:34

This is not a good idea of his and I think you need to be very clear with him about this when he comes over this evening. I am sure that he is trying to do this out of the best of motives but it is just plain crazy - it is hard to really understand why he thinks this is OK - nothing about it is OK.

I am so sorry that you lost your DD - this must simply be making the grieving worse. I hope very much that you can sort this all out amicably with him. I think it very clearly illustrates how you and he have a different approach to grieving your child.

Time4achangeagain · 16/05/2023 13:35

Honestly I don’t even think a middle name is a good idea. I have a friend with the middle name of a dead sibling and she hates it. She’s not a replacement. She’s a stand alone person

bohemiansalad · 16/05/2023 13:36

I'm sorry OP. This is just terrible as an idea. i get the impression he thought it was honouring the daughter you lost. Maybe keeping her name alive as a tribute to the daughter you both lost. I'm so sad for you both. This desire of his sounds like it comes from a good place. But hasn't been thought through from everyone else's point of view. How it might hurt you each time the name is used for someone else, or hurt a potential daughter to be always associated with a child who was lost and mourned before she even existed and maybe feel she doesn't quite have her own identity. Not to mention not being fair on the poor new wife, who sounds really nice by the way, whose lovely news becomes overtaken with this dispute. It sounds like he is a caring person who is still struggling with the terrible loss you both have had to deal with. But perhaps this is why your (understandable) extreme reaction upset him so much also. He might have really thought you would be pleased. He should have discussed it with you and asked permission, not sprung anything upon you like that.

Like everyone else, I think the new person brought into the world should have their own name and your DD's name is your DD's name. I can understand him wanting to see the name going forward in memory, but it's too distressing and complicated and has different meanings for everyone. Maybe finding some other way might help him and enable him not to have to go ahead with the name? Good luck OP you are not unreasonable in any way, shape or form.

PuppyNightmares · 16/05/2023 13:41

That is extremely insensitive of them and you were absolutely right to get angry with them.
I can’t even begin to imagine the pain that must have caused you. If they refuse to see your point of view I would focus the attention on their unborn baby and say that it would be a burden for her and it will encourage comparisons. I think most of your friends and family would be outraged for you, because it’s a pretty disturbing thing to do. It makes the new child seem like a replacement.

Peridot1 · 16/05/2023 13:43

I think it’s great that the new wife sees what you feel and was actually doubtful herself.

My youngest sibling is called after a sibling that died at birth and has really struggled at times with it. It so not a good idea and like others I’ve no idea what my parents were thinking at the time. I think my dad just went along with what my mum wanted really.

purpleboy · 16/05/2023 13:43

So sorry for your loss.

I think it's great you've maintained that relationship with ex and now with his new wife. I can totally understand wanting to have a relationship with your DDs sister.
Your ex was clumsy in his thinking, I think a pp hit the nail on the head in that you're both grieving differently, he though it was a nice tribute, you don't. The ex sounds lovely and obviously totally gets it, so I don't think you have to worry about them using the name now.

All the best for you all.

beAsensible1 · 16/05/2023 13:44

I am happy this is resolved for you OP and I am so so sorry for your loss.

If its any consolation I have my sisters middle name as mine as well and she passed very young. It really is a comfort to my dad and me as well. It does make me feel eternally connected even though I never got to meet her.

I carry her with me all the time. ❤️

chicosmommy · 16/05/2023 13:44

Good grief. You are NOT being unreasonable! I would be horrified by ExH and his new wife at this suggestion!

Honeyroar · 16/05/2023 14:14

You all sound lovely and I’m sure this will sort out, particularly after what his wife wrote. I think it was a terrible idea, but I don’t think he was, in any way or form, trying to replace her. Obviously he’s been through a hideous time as welll. He thought he was honouring her. He was just terribly misguided!

KingsHeath53 · 16/05/2023 14:17

I’m so sorry for your loss.

i hope you can find a way forward and be part of your daughter’s little sister’s life.

Escapefromhell · 16/05/2023 14:23

It can’t be healthy for the child to have your daughter’s name re-used as her first name… she might come to feel like a replacement… or reminded that she only exists because the first bearer of her name died, which is kind of true. I have a friend in this position and it was a bit of a mind fuck for them as they grew up.

Beaniesmumsie · 16/05/2023 15:07

I’m so so sorry for your loss. All three of you sound so wonderfully supportive of each other.

Feelslikespring2 · 16/05/2023 19:22

Are they effing insane!!!! That's so insensitive. I'm in shock.

CaroleSinger · 16/05/2023 19:59

I can see both sides. She was his daughter too and a tribute in name is not a replacement of a person. Unless there was an express agreement that he wouldn't name his new daughter after his first if he remarried then I don't really see how you can demand he does not do this?

SirVixofVixHall · 17/05/2023 14:34

Time4achangeagain · 16/05/2023 13:35

Honestly I don’t even think a middle name is a good idea. I have a friend with the middle name of a dead sibling and she hates it. She’s not a replacement. She’s a stand alone person

I agree. My dd’s have their Grandmothers’ middle names. Enough distance to be a tribute. A sibling is another thing entirely.

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