To think he shouldn’t have thrown my ipad out the window?

[PeonyB]

DH and I haven’t been getting on well. Had a disagreement last week about how he hardly
spends time with me and the kids. He said the only problem is that I’m not supportive of his work (I work too) and don’t treat him with respect and “turn on him”. I asked why he was with me. He said he didn’t know and I said go then.

He left for a week. The only time he picked up the phone he said he would come home if I accepted it was my fault and agreed to be better. I said I was sorry, I would try to do better but it wasn’t all me.

He came back unannounced yesterday when I was in bed watching a programme on my ipad. He got into bed and said turn the ipad off I want to go to sleep. i said i’m watching something, you can’t just come back like this and sleep here without things being sorted. He threw my ipad out the window and its all smashed up. he says he needed to because of my behaviour so things didn’t escalate.

There are loads of things I could have done better here. But AIBU to think the problem isn’t just me and he shouldn’t have done that to my ipad?

I don’t think anyone could say that it was a good idea to throw the iPad out of the window but that would be the least of my worries. He sounds quite volatile and controlling.

Erm - surely throwing your iPad out of the window IS escalating?

Sorry OP but did you call him your 'd' h ? Are you married ?

Questions because unless you have tied your home up in some complicated trust or have a pre-nup .. it matters not one diddly squat whose name the house is in... it is a marital asset and he therefore has rights to it.. sorry I know that's not helpful but nonetheless true..

Wow. I didn't expect so many responses. Thank you.

We are married, so I can't just kick him out but I do feel something needs to be done.

What is making me doubt myself is whether he was right about the initial disagreement - I can be too snappy and stressed sometimes, but I try my best to support him - and whether I should have just put the ipad away when he asked. But I guess I feel like I have to be perfect before he will look at his behaviour...It can't be that I'm always wrong and he's always justified I don't think. But he has called me a bully before, so my head is all over the place.

Anyway, thanks for the support.

You are not a bully based on what you have wrote. This is NO justification for him throwing your IPAD out the WINDOW. This is not OK, he is relying on you not being able to distinguish between what’s ok and what isn’t but hopefully these responses help you understand you are not at fault.

Classic abuser tactic, deflect.

OP, he is dreadful.
Protect yourself.

It's time he left, especially if the cracks are starting to show elsewhere. That was abusive and it probably won't be the first episode of abuse sadly

I would have called police and had him charged with criminal damage as well as reporting the abuse.

Change the locks.

You may feel you can't kick him out, and I don't think legally you can bar him from the house, but you can certainly ask him to leave. If he refuses to leave the house, at a minimum you can sleep in a different room which you can have locked, and not do any of the household tasks that benefit him e.g. no washing or ironing, no cooking etc.

You can also talk to a solicitor regarding separation/divorce and your legal rights, plus whether his current level of abuse is enough to get a non-molestation order (which can mean you can throw him out & change the locks).

You say you try to support him - does he support YOU in any way? Do HIS share of household tasks? Give YOU time to yourself if you want, or consider when YOU want to sleep & he's still awake?

But I guess I feel like I have to be perfect before he will look at his behaviour... But you never ever will be perfect according to him, and even if you were then he'd find something else to carp about. And why should he ever bother to look at his behaviour anyway? You're already trying to make every adjustment he's asked for without him reciprocating in any way...

He’s gaslighting you hun. It won’t get any better. Ask him to leave before it gets any worse.

It's time to talk divorce. Your relationship is over. Your head is in turmoil thinking about all this my fault not my fault he did he said. It doesn't matter any more, there is no happy future for you here, just more pain and abuse. You don't have to live like this, end it.

NOOOO! He is making you doubt yourself, he is 100% in the wrong here. He has zero right to dictate to you what you do. And coming back like that expecting you to cower