To think he shouldn’t have thrown my ipad out the window?

[PeonyB]

DH and I haven’t been getting on well. Had a disagreement last week about how he hardly
spends time with me and the kids. He said the only problem is that I’m not supportive of his work (I work too) and don’t treat him with respect and “turn on him”. I asked why he was with me. He said he didn’t know and I said go then.

He left for a week. The only time he picked up the phone he said he would come home if I accepted it was my fault and agreed to be better. I said I was sorry, I would try to do better but it wasn’t all me.

He came back unannounced yesterday when I was in bed watching a programme on my ipad. He got into bed and said turn the ipad off I want to go to sleep. i said i’m watching something, you can’t just come back like this and sleep here without things being sorted. He threw my ipad out the window and its all smashed up. he says he needed to because of my behaviour so things didn’t escalate.

There are loads of things I could have done better here. But AIBU to think the problem isn’t just me and he shouldn’t have done that to my ipad?

He threw my ipad out the window and its all smashed up. he says he needed to because of my behaviour so things didn’t escalate.

This is some of the worst gaslighting I've seen

You'd be a fool to stay with him, OP.

Just end it.

He is an absolute fuckwit OP. Throwing the iPad out of the window (wtf?), insisting you take ALL the blame, this is abuse and emotional blackmail and he is a complete prick.

Exactly.

You have to split up for your own safety OP.

Two women a week in the U.K. are killed by partners or former partners. Don't be next.

I think you need to call the police and Women's aid and get advice and support.

This is a controlling abusive man and his actions constitute domestic violence.

This is an awful environment for children.

Take action and protect yourself.

Good Lord. Get rid of that man. 100% abuse now and possibly earlier and you didn't realise.
NAL but I think throwing your iPad out of the window amounts to criminal damage and it just shows how little he respects you and your belongings.

Op also said he got in to bed next to her.

Which is what LadyK was referring to.

Which was the only thing I commented on.

Not sure why I'm getting the hard time, I don't think that I'm the one struggling with reading comprehension 😂😂😂

Ummmmm WHAT!!!

He waltzes back in after a week of giving her the silent treatment, no discussion, and demands OP switches off her iPad??

Why should she jump when he says so??

Apparently we should just jump to attention and obey all instructions when our men turn up out of the blue 🙄

Please stop making this thread about one comment I made about someone else's comment to LadyK, which is being misinterpreted to mean something I didn't say.

This thread is about someone much more important.

I think he thought you would come running as soon as he left and felt angry that you weren't a helpless little lamb. He wanted to punish you for not needing him.

Ditch the prick.

Fuck me, the OP was already in bed, alone on her IPad when he showed up and made his demands. HOWEVER, even if he was already in bed it is still abuse to destroy her valuable possessions in such an aggressive manner.
Enough with the victim blaming and perpetrator excusing!
OP, you don’t have to put up with this. It will only get worse, put an end to it now before it does.

@MistyFrequencies - reread ops post. ;)

TURN ON HIM…

I must admit I misread it first time. 🤦‍♀️

The iPad is the least of your worries. As is having arguments about how little time he spends with you, the less time the better would be my verdict.

oh hello OP’s DH

He damaged something of yours to stop it escalating to him physically damaging you. He told you this. And blamed it on you. Tell him your relationship is over and he is to move out permanently, then change the locks.

He wants you back on his terms. If you accept this and take him back then he knows he can get away with anything in the future. He’s testing you. The fact you are doubting yourself is why he thinks he can get away with it.

And you are probably doubting yourself because he’s systematically worked on you to get to this point.

Nah, how about you stop digging in and repeatedly defending (with laughing emojis) a post that implied a woman, alone in bed and minding her own business, should’ve politely stopped using her iPad when an abusive man suddenly turned up and climbed into bed with her.

If you post something that multiple people think reads as victim-blaming BS, you can own it or apologise but you don’t get to police how others react to you.

The OP was in bed already watching the iPad when he arrived home unannounced and got into bed with her. No warning he was arriving, no niceties at all, just let himself in & got into bed. but the OP is supposed to show him courtesy by allowing him to come in as though nothing has happened so he can go to sleep.

If he'd wanted to talk about what had happened fine, then she would presumably have turned the iPad off, but to just turn up out of the blue and expect her to stop what she was doing so he can sleep???

He didnt want things to escalate so he threw your ipad out the window so it smashed. That escalated things alright! However, I am also thinking that he is saying he did that so that things wouldn’t escalate more. It looks to me like he managed his anger by smashing something that was important to you, on which you were focusing your intention instead of him. By doing that he was able to prevent himself ‘escalating things’ in his eyes which suggests it would have been worse and involved smashing you up otherwise. Breaking someone’s belongingsis oftern suggested by domestic abuse advisers to bea first step /warning sign before domestic violence starts. I think now is a good time to make plans to end the relationship.

The most worrying thing is that you feel you need to ask.
Take a step back and think about someone else in this situation. In what situation would you possibly say "of course it was reasonable of him to throw your iPad out of the window"?

jEEZ, You really need to read the OPs posts better.

OP was already watching something on the iPad when her 'D'H came back home. Arsehole told her to turn it off a she wanted to go to sleep. I wouldn't dream of going to bed after my wife, demanding she stops watching something and then destroy her property when she doesn't bend to my demands.

@PeonyB you need him out before it's you taking a dive out of the window. He's already shown his abusive lack of control.

He is a nutter. You know that really.

He’s treating you as if you’re his property.
That you must ‘ do better’.
Time to move on.

My god, how is this even a question? He's obviously an absolute twat.

WTF?

She was already in bed watching something on her iPad when he came back. Why should she stop doing what she was in the middle of just because he's appeared again unannounced?