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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he shouldn’t have thrown my ipad out the window?

113 replies

PeonyB · 16/05/2023 09:06

DH and I haven’t been getting on well. Had a disagreement last week about how he hardly
spends time with me and the kids. He said the only problem is that I’m not supportive of his work (I work too) and don’t treat him with respect and “turn on him”. I asked why he was with me. He said he didn’t know and I said go then.

He left for a week. The only time he picked up the phone he said he would come home if I accepted it was my fault and agreed to be better. I said I was sorry, I would try to do better but it wasn’t all me.

He came back unannounced yesterday when I was in bed watching a programme on my ipad. He got into bed and said turn the ipad off I want to go to sleep. i said i’m watching something, you can’t just come back like this and sleep here without things being sorted. He threw my ipad out the window and its all smashed up. he says he needed to because of my behaviour so things didn’t escalate.

There are loads of things I could have done better here. But AIBU to think the problem isn’t just me and he shouldn’t have done that to my ipad?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 16/05/2023 10:49

AwaaFaeHom · 16/05/2023 09:25

Eh? LadyKryptonite was clearly referring to using the iPad when he was in bed next to her. Not when he wasn't there...

He decided to come home when she was already in bed! He doesn't get to dictate!

But it's all very well posters saying Kick Him Out but it isn't that easy and we don't know what their living arrangements are.

So she also might not be able to just change the locks either.

However, phoning the police is a very good idea

FamBae · 16/05/2023 10:50

Do you really want him back?

Pr1mr0se · 16/05/2023 10:55

You are not being unreasonable.

He should not be blaming his bad behaviour on you. His reaction is not your fault.

chocorabbit · 16/05/2023 10:56

OP, you did nothing wrong and you shouldn't have apologised just to make him feel better. HE should have been the one to apologise and you could have forgiven him IF you had wanted to. Of course he wasn't going to appreciate it as he is abusive. Ring the police and say that you feel threatened as he clearly can't control himself after destroying your property. They might come and give him a warning.

chocorabbit · 16/05/2023 10:58

Snapdragonsoup · 16/05/2023 10:20

He didnt want things to escalate so he threw your ipad out the window so it smashed. That escalated things alright! However, I am also thinking that he is saying he did that so that things wouldn’t escalate more. It looks to me like he managed his anger by smashing something that was important to you, on which you were focusing your intention instead of him. By doing that he was able to prevent himself ‘escalating things’ in his eyes which suggests it would have been worse and involved smashing you up otherwise. Breaking someone’s belongingsis oftern suggested by domestic abuse advisers to bea first step /warning sign before domestic violence starts. I think now is a good time to make plans to end the relationship.

Wow, the way that you put it sounds even more calculated and scary!

Thelnebriati · 16/05/2023 11:01

@PeonyB Do you have any support outside of Mumsnet? Contact Women's Aid and The Freedom Program. They won't tell you what to do, but they will support you, offer advice, and can put you in contact with local support services.

Womens Aid
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

The Freedom Programme
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I need help - information and support on domestic abuse

Not sure if you're experiencing abuse? Worried about someone else? If you or a friend need help, we are here. Learn more about our information and support.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support

Daleksatemyshed · 16/05/2023 11:12

Op maybe look at it this way _ you complained, he went straight for denial , attacked by complaining about you. When he left and you said you'd try harder he thought he'd won. When he came home he thought you be all sorry and be lovely to him, instead you went on reading so he had a hissy fit. Does any of that sound like a man who is sorry and thinks he's in the wrong?

sassyduck · 16/05/2023 11:20

That's terrible. He needs to leave.

knobheeeeed · 16/05/2023 11:21

He is awful and you should split up.
He disappears for a week, expects you to take the blame for the previous argument, won't admit his part in it. Then he randomly shows up, enters the house, gets into bed as if nothing has happened, has a go at you for watching something on your ipad and flings it out of the window.
Piece of shit. He should be the next thing out of the window.

georgarina · 16/05/2023 11:28

My mum's husband did this kind of shit, it was terrifying and heartbreaking and I still remember it

Get yourself out - but if that allows you to minimise it, get your KIDS out

My siblings and I all have serious complex trauma. Like, life ruining. It started with stuff like breaking her things. Just get them out as fast as you can, it's not worth any of the reasons why leaving would be hard - it sounds dramatic but you don't want your kids to suffer the consequences - my mum always said/thought it wasn't that bad.

SparklyBlackKitten · 16/05/2023 11:31

Throwing an ipad out of the window seems very reasonable to me. Leaving the house for a week is very normal as well. Also him blaming everything on you and wanting you to accept full blame makes perfect sense. Your dp sounds like a delightful man op.

SparklyBlackKitten · 16/05/2023 11:31

not

larkstar · 16/05/2023 11:32

Come on @PeonyB - is this all you are worth? You deserve this? You are living your best life? This is what you want?

Couples have arguments and there are tensions and everyday pressures but this is out of bounds IMHO.

Log the destruction of your ipad with the police. Listen to what they have to say.

What are you going to do if you don't stand up for yourself? Are you just going to put up with this? You should have doubled down and not given in to pressure from him - it's only going to get worse now he thinks he can get way with behaving like that.

You need a plan. And fast.

WisherWood · 16/05/2023 11:43

TheCatterall · 16/05/2023 10:02

@MistyFrequencies - reread ops post. ;)

TURN ON HIM…

I must admit I misread it first time. 🤦‍♀️

I had to read it twice. And actually it's an important difference. DARVO - he's at the reverse victim and offender stage. He's saying the OP attacks him, when it's the other way around.

Sorry OP, but you do need to work out how to separate.

FlamingoQueen · 16/05/2023 11:46

The problem isn’t you at all! It may start with an iPad, next time it could be you that gets hurt. Personally, if my DH threw my iPad out of the window he would have been kicked out.

Turfwars · 16/05/2023 11:49

Betcha it's usually your stuff or generic household stuff he smashes up.

My ex's pride and joy was this laptop. In one of his rages, he absolute trashed our apartment. Destroyed my phone. Smashed my lovely ornaments and pictures. Tore clothes and books up.

The next day when I returned to the carnage after fleeing, I saw that laptop, nestled between two cushions, staged as if thrown. Perfectly unharmed, surrounded by all my broken stuff. He was dead to the world sleeping off his hangover. And then I knew that his anger was controllable. And I finally found my anger.

Such a shame that his laptop never worked again after that tantrum...

AgrathaChristie · 16/05/2023 12:17

He’s abusive. Many start with damaging stuff then move on to damaging people.
criminal damage — I’d report him on 101 to get it logged and kick him out permanently.

Biscuitea · 16/05/2023 12:20

You’re better off without him, sooner you realise this the better. Sorry but he’s abusive and blaming you!

SpeckledlyHen · 16/05/2023 12:22

MistyFrequencies · 16/05/2023 09:13

I cant honestly believe you are asking. Tell him to get the fuck away from you and never come back. You dont "turn him on"? You're not a fucking porn act, you're his wife. Gross, gross, gross. And throwing your ipad put of the window is the start of being more violent with you if you dont comply.

I think you need to re read the OP

Minikievs · 16/05/2023 12:28

He sounds insane. Get him the fuck out of your house.

Crumpleton · 16/05/2023 12:41

Ladykryptonite · 16/05/2023 09:19

Obviously it's terrible behaviour, but watching something on the ipad next to him in bed was not great

He left for a week. The only time he picked up the phone he said he would come home if I accepted it was my fault and agreed to be better. I said I was sorry, I would try to do better but it wasn’t all me.

Nor was it great to let him back on the terms he stated you must accept.
He's literally blamed you for everything and walks back in like some twat that think he owns you.

HorseyMel · 16/05/2023 13:00

Why do women keep marrying and breeding with these men?

My guess is that you are attracted to them being all assertive and fighty when they are doing it to other men. Then less so over time as you become the subject of it more and more.

I doubt any of you can truly say that there were no warning signs pre-marriage and pre-children. You just thought he'd always be like that to others but never to you. But, of course, in the end, he did.

jeaux90 · 16/05/2023 13:05

OP I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Please finish it, you deserve so much better.

I bet the week was bliss without him being around.

You do not have to put up with this, no one does.

SweetiePi3 · 16/05/2023 13:12

Ladykryptonite · 16/05/2023 09:19

Obviously it's terrible behaviour, but watching something on the ipad next to him in bed was not great

It's her home and her bed, she has the right to live as she pleases. She gave him the opportunity to come back, not to rule her life. What you said is victim blaming.

MargotBamborough · 16/05/2023 13:13

Get rid of him, OP.

If he's breaking your property today, he'll break your face tomorrow.