To think he shouldn’t have thrown my ipad out the window?

[PeonyB]

DH and I haven’t been getting on well. Had a disagreement last week about how he hardly
spends time with me and the kids. He said the only problem is that I’m not supportive of his work (I work too) and don’t treat him with respect and “turn on him”. I asked why he was with me. He said he didn’t know and I said go then.

He left for a week. The only time he picked up the phone he said he would come home if I accepted it was my fault and agreed to be better. I said I was sorry, I would try to do better but it wasn’t all me.

He came back unannounced yesterday when I was in bed watching a programme on my ipad. He got into bed and said turn the ipad off I want to go to sleep. i said i’m watching something, you can’t just come back like this and sleep here without things being sorted. He threw my ipad out the window and its all smashed up. he says he needed to because of my behaviour so things didn’t escalate.

There are loads of things I could have done better here. But AIBU to think the problem isn’t just me and he shouldn’t have done that to my ipad?

Eh? LadyKryptonite was clearly referring to using the iPad when he was in bed next to her. Not when he wasn't there...

You are not the problem here at all, HE IS. He is abusive and controlling, tell hime to leave again and change the locks so he cant just stroll back in.

This isn’t on the road to abuse.

This is abuse. 100%. Breaking property because he “can’t” control himself is abusive behaviour. He blamed you rather than taking responsibility for his own actions. That tells you everything you need to know here.

please get your ducks in a row and kick him out. These things don’t get better. He’s testing you to see how far he can push it as all abusers do at the start of it. They push buttons see what you allow and then they go further and further.

You don’t need to live like this. At the whim of an abusive man who can but won’t control himself.

You need to call the police and report domestic abuse, as this is emotional abuse. It’s not reasonable to smash up belongings to get someone’s attention, and it’s not reasonable to be gone a week then come back and expect to sleep in the bed with you with no discussion. It’s done, just make sure you report what happened

I would take throwing your ipad out of the window as a direct threat. I think the relationship is over.

You need to call the police.

She was literally alone in her bed watching the iPad when he came in unannounced ffs

He is violent and abusive. You need to protect yourself and your children by ending this relationship.

You need to change the locks or move out. What if next time it is someone's head that gets smashed?

He came in unannounced and expected that she would just drop what she was doing because he demanded it.

Stop making excuses for abusers.

I don't think LadyK is saying she should never use it in bed. Just that she should stop using it when he's in bed with her.

The man's a dick. There's no excuse for that behaviour. And I don't agree with LadyK's twist on it. It's 100% his fault. But she didn't say anything about using it when he wasn't there

Op wasn't watching something next to him in bed... Op was in bed watching something when he turned up.
It isn't the same scenario..
He needs gone again op.
The relief will be immense ime..

Stop making excuses for abusers

I would need to start before I could stop.

Did you miss the fact that he came home and came in while she was watching something?

She was perfectly entitled to watch it to the end.

He came back unannounced yesterday when I was in bed watching a programme on my ipad
OP literally said she was watching the iPad when he came home unexpectedly. You need to work on your reading comprehension!

He came back home after one week away unannounced with no discussion whatsoever and expected to be allowed back into their shared bed and demanded she stop what she was doing before he came back.

How does this sound reasonable to you? Would you drop everything you were doing in this situation? I bloody wouldn’t.

You are already well on your way.

Exactly. He doesn't get to demand, and because of that he thought it appropriate to throw the iPad out of the window.

Nobody should be excusing his behaviour or even remotely trying to understand it.

The problem is definitely him. It’s never acceptable or normal to deliberately break somebody else’s belongings. Ask him to leave again, call the police if he becomes aggressive.

The problem isnt you full stop.
he is starting to control you and it’s escalating. Get rid

He escalated it by throwing your ipad, get rid, tell him you don't want him back ever.

“But she didn’t say anything about using it when he wasn’t there”

Yes, she did She said “He came back unannounced yesterday when I was in bed watching a programme on my ipad. He got into bed and said turn the ipad off I want to go to sleep.”

I can’t work out what you think has happened here, it seems crystal clear that she was alone for a week and he walked in on her using the iPad in bed, alone, with no warning and demanded that she stop

its says "turns on him" not "turn him on"...

I agree with most of the other comments so far. Tell him to leave. You and your children don't deserve this.

It's over.

He's abusive.

It's a clearly escalating pattern of controlling and threatening behaviour, which he 'can't help' and 'needs to do' because 'it's all your fault'.

He leaves again, immediately, you change the locks and that's that. Any issues, report to the police.

This is the critical moment - he's pushing you, and if you yield, he'll know he can treat you this way, so dig deep and get rid. Tell your parents, a friend, anyone, if you need support, but don't let him do this to you and your children.

He'd be quickly following that iPad out of the window if I was the op.