A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

[Ludlow2]

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

Adults and children...

I did this before having kids with my husband and it worked for us.

I’d say the lottery is different because it could mean both people could potentially be in the position to quit their jobs if they wanted to.

It isn’t one who has the financial burden while the other one doesn’t work.

It might not be a wise choice, maybe she is lazy, etc., but I can think of many worse things that people do with their lives. Wanting to be a housewife may seem foolish or lazy to you, but for some people it will be something they aspire to... Different people want different things. You don't have to like it, understand it, or respect it, but it's hardly a new or controversial opinion.

Since your friend's son dumped her over it, it's nothing you have to worry about, fortunately.

@InceyWinceySpidy

why did you hate working so much?

It is reasonable if that is what they choose to do, if it is what is agreed upon and supported by the husband.

It’s none of anyone else’s business frankly if that is how the married couple choose to run their lives.

She's probably been influenced by the current trend of "Stay At Home Girlfiend/Wife" lifestyle influencers on social media.

I fell down the back of TikTok and started watching these out of grim curiosity a few months ago. It looks like 90% of them are completely staged by girls filming themselves running around AirBnB houses pretending that they do their nails and fluff up throw pillows for their strangely invisible crypto-trader boyfriends.

Sounds like the young woman in question pictures herself in this scenario. Shame it's not real!

Screwed in the sense that you’re very, very clear that you don’t want to work, but were that to happen, you’d likely have to. So yeah, for you, you’d be screwed.

There's always pushback against any social force and feminism/independent women are no exception. The "surrendered wife" was a thing 20 years ago and now it's coming round again. It's not really surprising that it comes on the back of years and years of austerity and housing/living costs becoming untenable for people, especially young people. Ultimately it doesn't really mean a thing unless there's an equal number of men prepared to play the corresponding role.

And it's interesting that the same does not seem to be happening for men. In fact, the trends there appear to be for MGTOW (Google it if you need to) and anything but supporting a woman completely. The young woman mentioned in the OP will probably have more luck if she goes for older men, and not just because they're more likely to be able to afford to keep her.

There's a reason most people say they'd quit their jobs if they won the lottery. I know there will be handful on here loudly shouting the opposite, but the exception doesn't make the rule.

Yes but if you win the lottery you are by definition not dependent on someone else to support you.

Yes but if you win the lottery you are by definition not dependent on someone else to support you
This!
Winning the lottery is also very different to being in your early 20s with your life goal to be find a spouse who'll fund your living expenses and lifestyle for life.

I'd not find any man attractive if his outlook was "hi Lola, I like you, you like me, by the way I don't really do working you know, it's sort of not really my style and I'd rather not work for life. I'd much prefer it if we got married and you can get on with giving me my pocket money and paying the bills".

@LuckySantangelo35

The sort of man who sets out to find a stay at home wife will not be wanting to live in a rough area.

Likely a high earner.

It’s just not feasible to support a wife and children unless a man earns substantially more than the average salary.

That is exactly the thing - equality. If a couple wins the lottery then the money is both of theirs and neither is dependent on the other and that's an enviable position for many. Surrendering to your husband and having no say and no financial fall-back of your own, not so much.

For those posters who live like this, IncyWincy and others. You don't have to justify your position to anybody, it's your life. The sheer number of times you're coming back to respond though, it makes it look very much as if the situation isn't entirely one that you're happy with. Somebody who is genuinely happy would say so and wouldn't need to keep coming back and back. It looks sad to me. I may be wrong but that's how it looks to me.

I would be extremely saddened if my daughter would wish to be a 'stay at home wife' - not SAHM, that's a different thing entirely, a 'stay at home wife'. They were called 'kept women' and maybe still are? Not something to aspire to.

The sort of man who sets out to find a stay at home wife will not be wanting to live in a rough area.

Likely a high earner.

It’s just not feasible to support a wife and children unless a man earns substantially more than the average salary.

Most high earners have zero desire to have a dependent adult either. It's not appealing to most people for obvious reasons!

I know quite a few men aged mid 20's upwards who are in various careers that mean they would prefer a stay-at-home wife/mum.

When you are going to work at 7 am and working 12 or 13 hours days in a high-pressure environment, sometimes the home unit functions better when one partner is taking care of the home/life admin.

These men are aware of the risk to the women and pay into private pensions and the wives have assets in their name in case something happened in the marriage.

I think it just all depends on the circles you run in. I see this setup as something reasonably common amongst my peers, but I am more than aware that it's not a feasible option for most.

I don't know anyone who would live in a rough area to have this set up.
My friends who need to work in order for the family to have a better life, do.

I will add, that I know a stay-at-home husband who supports his wife in her career and no one thinks of him any differently than the stay-at-home wives.

If it works for the couple and they each work to help the team succeed then it's no one else's business and the comments here are so venomous!

'Surrendered wife'. That was the phrase I've been trying to remember. And that term captures it in a nutshell.

It was a social media concept emanating from the US, whose alt right/evangelical culture across a swathe of the populace is very different from any culture I'm aware of in the UK. Perhaps particular Christian cults which see men as 'the head of the household' would be the closest contender.

When I clock trends like this, the first question that springs to mind is who's funding it, followed closely by who stands to benefit from it.

Women? I don't think so.

Her desire is certainly not orthodox any more (and I wouldn’t want it in today’s world), but, tbh, she may be looking at the rising rates of anxiety and depression, particularly amongst women, and the growing proportion of children growing up below the poverty line regardless of their parents’ employment status, and have concluded that access to full time, paid work has not been the great liberation that was promised and that it may just be another stick to beat people with. It is certainly not the most efficient model to have men and women sharing all responsibilities equally (which is why employers have never liked it), and in a capitalist society where roles of equal importance are not valued as such, it was never going to work. We have created a society that increasingly denigrates the domestic sphere and caring responsibilities to the degree that some are even willing to claim that anyone not earning money outside the home is being “looked after” by others like a dependent child, as though it is money that does all the work, not people.

The fact is, telling people to set up their lives so that they don’t need to rely in any way on others, because others will probably let them down, is a deeply isolating, bleak message that has created a very self-centred and unhappy society. She may have the wrong answer to this problem by not wanting to do any paud work outside the home, but imvho, she is not wrong to question the validity of the status quo and to seek an alternative with someone she thinks might actually be more trustworthy than average.

When you are going to work at 7 am and working 12 or 13 hours days in a high-pressure environment, sometimes the home unit functions better when one partner is taking care of the home/life admin

Unless you live in a huge castle or have acres of land, a couple without children really don't have huge amounts of housework/life admin.

I know no men at all in their 20s who do this!
Not in the UK anyway.

My DCs are in their 30s and there is absolutely no one in their social circles doing this- including snr civil servants, investment bankers, IT consultants. (And that's just the women LOL!)

They'd be appalled at the idea of not working.

As for having assets in their names 'in case something happens to the marriage'- well, if they divorce and the H is a high earner, they will get a fair settlement.

You say your 'peers' - so are you a SAHW and talking about people who are in their 20s?

When you're a child, that trustworthy person/people are your parent(s).

When you're an adult, it's you. You're the only person you can (and should) truly rely on to have your best interests are heart. Have support from other people by all means but, make sure that you have the skills/finances/ways of making a living, to stand on your own two feet.

I don't think that's sad. Why do women defer to men as breadwinner when so many men are not, when so many women are capable of out-earning them - and making their own lives, pleasant and secure. Any relationships are an added bonus if they're worthwhile - but not essential and not cemented due to financial need.

Men are not providers, any more than women are housekeepers.

Some women seem to have a lot of their self esteem riding on their ability to get a man to keep them as 'ladies of leisure'. Generally women who dont work outside of the home speak of the work they do in it and the value and satisfaction that comes from that.
When women try to convince everyone just how little they have to do, I think the takeaway is meant to be - See! I'm so desirable and precious, all he cares for is my happiness! Not like all you ordinary women who need to work or do chores. I must be very special amongst women!
Which is unfortunate, when there are so many other ways in which a woman could feel good about herself.

When you’re a child, the trustworthy people are your parents, are they? Both of them? And they stop being trustworthy when you’re an adult, do they? Interesting.

See! I'm so desirable and precious, all he cares for is my happiness!...I must be very special amongst women!

Bah, they're on Mumsnet. They're not fooling anyone.

A good number of the "stay at home" wives I know have since found themselves replaced by a newer model.

It's crazy to assume a partner doesn't mind being totally responsible for an entire household, just because they earn a lot of money. If DH said he wanted to stay at home, I can well imagine the conversation. It would definitely make me respect him a lot less.

I can definitely see a correlation between the swathes of women on here choosing not to work, and the subsequent posts on Relationships of people stuck in relationships / left up shit creek because they can't support themselves financially and at one point decided to rely on someone else to keep them.

It's never a good idea to be entirely dependent on another human being. Particularly when 50% of marriages end in divorce..

I don't think that's what I said? Trustworthy people don't switch on and off like a tap and most people understand that parents are expected to be trustworthy. I even caveated it to one for pedantry.

To clarify then - when you're a child, it is expected that a parent/relation/court-appointed guardian ad litem will take care of you. When you are an adult, you are expected to take care of yourself.