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Original poster

Lads holiday

109 replies

Kristenb6 · 15/05/2023 23:16

What is everyone’s opinions on “Lads holidays” in their 40s? My husband has told me he would like to go on holiday with friends next year for his upcoming big birthday, our children have never been on holiday nor have we together or as a family in over a decade for various reasons. We currently live in a house that is too small and our children are crammed into rooms where 2 there are in one room and 3 in the other. Our youngest also has special needs so holidays have not been a priority lately. My husband works hard as do I, we both have well paid jobs and share everything and divide our incomes equally. Am I being unreasonable for thinking that the money would be better spent on a bigger house for our family or we could go on holiday together? I just couldn’t imagine leaving him and the kids to go on a girls holiday with my friends given our situation!

OP posts:
Mustardforest · 16/05/2023 01:09

He's selfish, that's it.

If it's a low cost lads holiday that wouldn't make a remote dent in your savings then that's kind of understandable, if he offset it with not spending on XYZ for a period of time to balance things out.

But who the f&@! spends 1.5k on a lads holiday? That's insane. What are they doing, first class to blooming Tokyo to stay in a 5* resort?

You need to get a reign on this attitude, he's spending considerable time away while suggesting you give up your bedroom for the kids... where in any of this is he thinking of YOU?

Yes, kids first, you sound like a caring mum. Don't let him cause more damage with destructive financial habits, and look after yourself.

AnonyMenOhPee · 16/05/2023 06:05

Kristenb6 · 16/05/2023 00:27

I am one of those normally cool wives too, but this has honestly thrown me. A midlife crisis maybe? I would love to know more opinions. We have never been on holiday list children, a lot of our outgoings are spent on his own hobbies and interests. He is of the opinion that we can offer more to the kids (by way of disposable income) if we stay in a smaller house and has suggested even that we sleep in the lounge so that it frees more space up for the children and our eldest can have a room to themselves. He is not always home he works away a lot so generally I am with the kids when I am not working 24/7. I realise he might just want a holiday and some downtime with his friends as life is stressful and full on at home I get it but I do think it’s incredibly selfish of him to even suggest it when we are living this way in the first place

Show quote history

It’s probably the lone voice supporting him I’ve changed my mind with this post. If he was scrimping and saving with the rest of the family that’s one thing but if he’s deliberately keeping you and your children in the tiny house so he can spend more on his hobbies - that’s not ok. He’s looking very selfish. Especially if he works away and doesn’t have to deal with the consequences of the living space. So now Yanbu. He takes enough out of the family pot for fun stuff by the sounds of it

Shoxfordian · 16/05/2023 06:07

He’s selfish and he’s not thinking of you or the kids but then it doesn’t sound like he thinks of you anyway spending on his hobby. I’d usually be fine with separate holidays too but not in your case op

Oysterbabe · 16/05/2023 06:09

They are fine if you can afford them, which you can't. I'm in my 40s and have a girls holiday every year.
Is your main objection the money or the fact that you don't think they're appropriate? If it's next year there's time to save for it.

Disco2023 · 16/05/2023 06:16

If people can afford it and have fair lives between the relationship then it shouldn’t be an issue. However this doesn’t seem those circumstances.

Tell him he can stop his hobbies save money from that and go next year or when it’s all saved. He doesn’t get to use joint savings earmarked for a ridiculous expensive jolly for a short time while you get nothing.

If he works away alot I presume he stays over? Then you sleeping in the living room doesn’t affect him half as much as you!

Lcb123 · 16/05/2023 06:44

i Think there’s a much bigger issue if you’re children are living in cramped conditions because he’s spending money on a hobby. Assuming you have a mix of boys and girls it’s not recommended they share past age of 10.

Pottedpalm · 16/05/2023 06:52

‘Lads’ holiday.. says it all. Selfish gits holiday. How can he prioritise that over a holiday at the seaside for his family?
OP might a caravan work for you? Maybe with a tent for three as well?

rookiemere · 16/05/2023 07:08

The correct response is "Absolutely you should have a lads holiday. To make it fair I get an equal amount of money to spend how I wish, and we have a family holiday or it's not fair on the DCs"

DH and I do have trips with friends, but difference is that family holidays take priority and we can afford it.

CornishGem1975 · 16/05/2023 07:09

Absolutely no issue with it - as long as I get to do the same!

Tayegete · 16/05/2023 07:31

Those saying op should get the same are missing the point. They have very limited money, they don’t own a house and they can’t afford to take the kids away. The op blowing more cash going away on her own is only going to make that situation worse. He sounds very selfish op.

Orders76 · 16/05/2023 07:40

My point about sitting down, putting the figures in writing with an equal share for you or a family holiday.....and then you explain, oh we don't have that kind of money.
I guess it puts it all out there and you get to see if he selfishly explains why he should get more than the kids, or he backs down.

Hurryupandleave · 16/05/2023 07:43

I'd tell him 'yes that's fine, so long as the money comes from you not spending on hobbies until the holiday is paid for, in fact you can carry on saving that money up until there's enough for us to take DC on holiday too'. If he's regularly spending on hobbies it's only fair that he sacrifices that money to pay for his lads trip, and maybe saving his hobby money for a holiday for DC on top might make him realise how bloody selfish he's being.

Tailfeather · 16/05/2023 07:46

Agree with previous posters. Although it would depend on what kind of 'lad's' holiday. If going somewhere chavvy, boozing all day and all night and going to strip clubs, then no! If it was a normal holiday away with male mates then fine. I guess if we genuinely couldn't afford a holiday as a family I might be happy for him to spoil himself for his 40th and go and have a good time with some mates. But I'd have real FOMO!

Turnthelightoff · 16/05/2023 07:48

Not sure what the hobby is but could you frame it that if he attended one less per week or dropped one weekend per month he could afford it? It shouldn’t come at the expense of the family house saving or family holiday. I’m not saying he deserves to go at all from reading all your posts but could be an opportunity to bring up the amount of personal time and money he already has?

Climbles · 16/05/2023 07:51

If he’s desperate to get away why can’t he have a lads trip in the UK. Wild camping/yurt/holiday inn and beers would be much more affordable. £1500 for just him when you are saving for a house is taking the piss.

Sapphire387 · 16/05/2023 07:57

Ask him where the money's going to come from.

Also, your lives sound hectic what with five kids. Will you also be getting your own 'girls' holiday'?

FlounderingFruitcake · 16/05/2023 08:02

I think the bigger issue is that he’s consistently selfish, not the holiday. Which could be done cheaply if he wanted it to- I just got back from a ‘girls holiday’ which was £100 for Ryanair flights, didn’t pay for seat selections, £100 for 3 nights in a nice 4 star hotel including breakfast sharing a family room between 3, slept in then had a big late breakfast so only buying dinner and drinks and we’d chosen a cheap destination. Days spent sunbathing which was free. Total was about £400. Not saying that’s a small amount of money but it’s not going to make a difference to the house deposit fund, it’s not going to take the family away and it’s not going to stop him being a selfish arse day in day out. £1500 is insane and tbh you’ve got far bigger problems than he wants to
go away with mates. Wtf is up with him expecting you to sleep on the sofa?!

GettingStuffed · 16/05/2023 08:05

He's putting his friends before his family. We always do big birthdays as a family, For my 40th we went to Barbados which left us skint for years, my 50th we went to a local pub and next year's my 60th and as finances have improved were going to have a nice meal with friends and a bit late r in the year a family holiday.

yes to meal out with friends, no to a lads holiday , with all that implies.

BubziOwl · 16/05/2023 08:07

Mustardforest · 16/05/2023 01:09

He's selfish, that's it.

If it's a low cost lads holiday that wouldn't make a remote dent in your savings then that's kind of understandable, if he offset it with not spending on XYZ for a period of time to balance things out.

But who the f&@! spends 1.5k on a lads holiday? That's insane. What are they doing, first class to blooming Tokyo to stay in a 5* resort?

You need to get a reign on this attitude, he's spending considerable time away while suggesting you give up your bedroom for the kids... where in any of this is he thinking of YOU?

Yes, kids first, you sound like a caring mum. Don't let him cause more damage with destructive financial habits, and look after yourself.

Yes. OP, I note that he thinks you should both sleep in the living room, but you also mention he travels a lot for work... so it's you that would bear the brunt of that decision, not him

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 16/05/2023 08:07

I can't imagine jetting off on a women's holiday, when the family hadn't been on one for years.

Family holiday first, then personal second

Why can't you book a family holiday, and he could have a weekend away

Camillasfagwrinkles · 16/05/2023 08:08

I think it's outrageous that he's not putting his family before his own wants. For us, family holiday and treating our children always comes first.

5128gap · 16/05/2023 08:21

You're lives are difficult. You both miss out on a lot. He doesn't need to be having a mid life crisis to want to do this one thing for himself. Wouldn't you? However this isn't something he can do as a neutral act as it means the rest of you being worse off. Has he thought about it properly in those terms? How much sooner would you be able to move if he didn't go? What holiday could you have with the children instead? Perhaps he needs that spelling out because sometimes when you're living the drudge for long enough you lose sight of the long term goal, and can't see beyond your own need for immediate gratification. Remind him what you will all gain from the sacrifices you're making now.

Original poster
Kristenb6 · 16/05/2023 09:18

yes the sofa sleeping meaning both of us make the move so that our teen can finally have a bedroom to themselves, the younger ones are sharing with our youngest who has special needs and it’s quite difficult situation and stressful for them nobody gets any sleep most of the time. (We are already in the smallest bedroom and there’s room for our bed only) I feel like he is not thinking long term, him going off on holiday by himself wouldn’t impede a house move by too much admittedly but it’s the principle of it- I certainly wouldn’t dream of going off on holiday with the girls given our situation! someone asked earlier it’s more the money factor rather than him wanting a holiday (we would all love one let’s be honest!) but we have sacrificed over the years and continue to do so while he is only home half the year due to work and living in cramped conditions so he benefits more than any of us. I have said he can go on the holiday if he wishes but I do feel like I will resent him if he decides that this is more important to him than a family break and taking away from the house savings

OP posts:
StillWantingADog · 16/05/2023 09:21

DoggosAloud · 15/05/2023 23:19

I’ve no problem with them in general.

However, in your situation, I’d be very annoyed that this is a priority over you all having a break together. It seems selfish.

This.

friend’ DHs seem to go on fancy golfing breaks all the time. But family hols are def the priority.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 16/05/2023 09:30

Kristenb6 · 16/05/2023 00:12

I would think it would be more than that to go abroad, by the time you factor in air fares, hotels and spending money he also mentioned earlier it would be nearer 1500 for 3-4 nights for his holiday alone. We have looked into holidays together but the complex needs of our youngest child means we have yet to find anything suitable that would accommodate his needs for that price.

That's very expensive. I spent that on 10 days to Mexico from the UK...