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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to write a manual for my mother-in-law...

85 replies

wolfear · 18/02/2008 20:33

to follow when she looks after DS when I return to work next week? Not so much a manual but a list of dos and don'ts. I'm pretty anxious about the whole going back to work and leaving him thing.

OP posts:
Crunchie · 18/02/2008 20:37

It depends how you approach it tbh

A manual of dos and don'ts is looking for trouble. BUT If you pitch it that TO HELP HER would she like you to jot down stuff such as contact details inc GP's etc, plus what seems to soothe him if necessary.

Any more and you are so asking for it

pinkspottywellies · 18/02/2008 20:39

What sort of dos and don'ts are you thinking of? Can you gve some examples.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 18/02/2008 20:39

at Crunchie's you are so asking for it.

Agree with Crunchie btw.

LGJ to Crunchie, long time no see.

madamez · 18/02/2008 20:41

Well when DS was a baby if either my mum, my mate K or his dad were looking after him, I used to give them a sheet of 'operating instructions' like what he would eat/drink and when, anything I particularly wanted to encourage or discourage (put toys out of his reach to encourage him to crawl, if he blows raspberries or throws food take his dish away for a moment). No one was offended.

BroccoliSpears · 18/02/2008 20:42

How old is DS?

Most babies and toddlers have specific routines for eating or sleeping. I'd prefer to know what they were if I were looking after someone's LO, just to make things easier on myself.

Sexonlegs · 18/02/2008 20:42

I did this for mil when she had dd1 for a night (when she was 8 months). I just wrote out a schedule. She was really pleased about it. Can you ask mil what info she would find useful?

MinkVelvet · 18/02/2008 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFallenMadonna · 18/02/2008 20:43

Yikes.

I think there are an awful lot of variables in there!

fingerwoman · 18/02/2008 20:47

depends what your inlaws are like though minkvelvet.
I have one who fed my VEGETARIAN son meat. on purpose.

MinkVelvet · 18/02/2008 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wolfear · 18/02/2008 20:47

Thinsg like times that he eats, how much sleep he should have, that he SHOULD wear his harness in the pushchair (she thinks it unnecessary, but that's a whole other story). I really don't want to be neurotic about it and it seems like I'm just be pointing out the bleeding obvious, but I've seen the way she has been in the past with my nephews, which is to go against my SIL's requests when her back was turned so to speak.

OP posts:
MinkVelvet · 18/02/2008 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2008 20:49

You can write a manual, chances are she wont read it. MIL will do her own sweet thing most likely

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 18/02/2008 20:50

Get someone else if you don't trust her.

Writing it down, does not mean it will happen.

I would have swallowed razor blades before leaving my DS with my vile SIL. Because I would not trust her.

Your choice.

mumbear · 18/02/2008 20:51

I plan to do the same if it helps? I want my DD kept in th same sort of routine she is in at home. She really should respect what u say then he is your child.

JingleyJen · 18/02/2008 20:51

We would not leave the boys with the inlaws in the way you are so I guess my opinion is irrelevant, but when we do leave them we leave a guide to how their day normally runs. This is mainly because the first time they looked after DS1 whilst Dh and I went out for the day DS1 crawled to the side of his cot and fell asleep (at about the time I had suggested as nap time) IL's hadn't thought he looked tired as he was crawling up the stairs. they didn't find him for 30-40 minutes.

I am sure things will be great for you, Give her the information you feel comfortable giving her and let her know that part of it is because you feel wierd about going back to work, not because you don't trust her.
Good luck

Original poster
wolfear · 18/02/2008 20:51

It's not that simple I'm afraid Minkvelvet. I don't have any other family nearby and DS is going to nursery two days a week as it's all I can afford. I don't particulary want to fall out with her either.

OP posts:
MinkVelvet · 18/02/2008 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleBella · 18/02/2008 20:52

Oh don't leave him with her.

You obviously don't trust her and she is so obviously going to do what she wants and not take the slightest bit of notice of your wishes. And then you will find out about it and be upset and pissed off with her, and she will tell everyone that you are overreacting and being a neurotic modern mother, and you will find someone else to look after him after 6 months anyway because you will have had it up to the back teeth with her.

Honestly, it's not worth it. You might as well find someone more co-operative now.

WanderingTrolley · 18/02/2008 20:52

Do's and don't's a bad idea.

Leave her a schedule of what you do and what ds is used to/likes/dislikes etc.

I've had loads of written manuals of 'how to look after my baby' and it never offends me because I know it's a parent who's very anxious about leaving their baby, not a concern about my competence. You can't be certain your MIL will feel the same way.

I think you have to find a way to let go, tbh, and let your MIL do it her way.

cat64 · 18/02/2008 20:53

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MinkVelvet · 18/02/2008 20:54

This reply has been deleted

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LittleBella · 18/02/2008 20:54

When you say she went against your SIL's wishes, was it in very serious things or in minor things?

I think there's an important distinction.

Bouncingturtle · 18/02/2008 20:55

No some people need this - my friend's MIL begged to look after friend's ds, friend not so keen because mil isn;t in the best of health but she agreed because she thought important that her ds spent time with his gps.
When she arrived, ds was in pram with coat and everything on, she was in a little bit of a rush (she was leaving him with mil for a hair appointment) with instructions to give him his bottle at 11am.
When she got back, ds hadn't had his bottle and was still sleep in his pram with coat and everything in a very warm house. Because he was asleep it didn't occur to friend's mil that a) he was probably too hot and b) she should have woken him up for a feed, as not having his bottle at 11am threw his whole routine out.
Friend now says she will have to be far more explicit in her instructions next time!

perpetualworrier · 18/02/2008 20:56

Every time my my sister leaves her DS's (both under 2) with my parents, she also leaves a typed sheet with detailed instructions re when they should be changed, fed, what they should eat and when they should sleep. She even schedules in "playtime". I know for a fact that my mum smiles sweetly and then ignores the lot.

I think if she was MIL she would be deeply offended.

I think some suggestions like madamez says would be OK, but I wouldn't expect them to be followed to the letter.

My MIL had DS1 when I first went back to work (he was c. 8mths) and I invited her over for a few days beforehand so she could see how his day usually went, as we thought it might be easier for her if she knew what he expected IYSWIM, but it was always on the understanding that when he was with her, she was in charge and she would do things her way. I didn't always like it, but if you're not happy that her way will be OK, you shouldn't really be leaving DS with her IMO.

It is horrible when you first go back, and I understand your worries completely, but it does get easier.