to write a manual for my mother-in-law...

[wolfear]

to follow when she looks after DS when I return to work next week? Not so much a manual but a list of dos and don'ts. I'm pretty anxious about the whole going back to work and leaving him thing.

Message withdrawn

Gawd, I really don't think she would hurt him in the slightest (not intentionally anyway ). After reading the responses on this thread, giving MIL some pointers isn't such a strange concept.

Am surprised so many people are anti-instructions.

I recently offered to look after a toddler who I know well, and who is the same age as my little girl, while her mum was in hospital. Not exactly something I need instructions for, you'd think. I really appreciated some useful notes though as it made my time and the toddler's so much more pleasant.

I wouldn't have known that she can't sleep without Noonoo elephant, or that she likes the light on, or that she hates to sleep in her clothes.

I wouldn't have known that "Mramramra" means "Can I have a smoothie".

I wouldn't have known that if she won't eat a thing, try putting it in a bowl instead of a plate.

Okay, both myself and the toddler would have come out the other end alive with or without the notes, but our time was so much easier and more pleasant (for both of us) with a few helpful hints.

I think you are nuts.

it is not such a strange concept to give pointers, but as I said, do it in the way that 'this is what I do but I expect you will muddle through anyway' type way.

A list of Dos and Don'ts would get my back up, but a 'he usually has a nap for about an hour in teh morning, and an hour after lunch' 'his faourite foods are...' would be sufficent

Any more and you are still so asking for it

Broccoli those are positive things, not dos and don'ts IYKWIM

When my mum has ds's for 2 x 1/2 days a week she is doing us such a massive favour that I don't give any instructions.
She had 4 of us and they are her 10th and 11th grandchildren so I just let her get on with it. If they are tired she puts them for a nap, feeds them suitable food, checks if its ok to give them a treat, reads to them, bakes with them. If they are contented when I pick them up and look forward to be looked after by grandma then thats all I mind about.

My mum looks after my DS one day a week and I've written her a list of stuff. More about what he will and won't eat and how many bottles he's likely to get through. She asked me to do it. It's 40 years since she had a baby to look after and she says she's forgotten

I wouldn't say 'do remember to change his nappy 3 times a day' or anything like that. She's not stupid.

If it were me, I would certainly like pointers, such as basic translations of her own particular baby language, anything she is particularly scared of etc. Those little things that are unique to every child. As long as it is clear that MIL doesn't have to stick to the songs/books/games etc that you suggest, but can try her own. But that's just basic tact.

What I would not like is the feeling that you would be terribly upset if there were any changes in routine. There I would expect to have a certain amount of flexibility; babies really are very adaptable. Particularly if she is going to be looking after dc over a period of time, routines will change over time and they will have to work on that together. That's part of the deal when you leave your child by anyone.

When I employed a CM, this is more or less how I went about it:

She got a list of what dd said and what her gestures might mean(particularly important as dd is bilingual) and a bit of general information about where she was developmentally.
I expected CM to have her own routine and did not interfere with that, though I provided basic information on what dd did at home. But I always accepted that things like nap times might change.
Any major changes, such as potty training, we discussed together and I wouldn't have expected CM to start on anything new without discussing it with me.

haven't read all of this thread but... my dh is obsessional about this so much so that i have to tell him to back off a bit with my parents ie they're not stupid and dd will be ok.

have to admit with MiL tho I AM explicit, I know I sound like a bitch but I sometimes don't know how dh and BiL got to be fully grown adult males. her lack of organisation and common sense is aste'll regularly be ounding. When she picks dd up from nursery she'll regularly be hatless in freezing cold weather or her favourite comforter will still be there. She can't collapse and erect the buggy and can't cook anything, even cheese on toast I kid you not. We have to leave food out for her to give dd. It's caused huge rows between me and dh cos sometimes I feel I'd rather she didn't look after dd for long periods on her own. So yes I leave instrustions and if they're not followed I get annoyed. My dds well-being is more important to me than offending my MiL.

OMG, I'm struggling with the same issue! My mil is fine generally and is quite receptive to me saying the way I generally do things. I think I'm going to leave a general routine thing, but then let her know the most important things e.g no naps after 5pm, try and keep feed times roughly at the right times etc. I have asked my mil and fil to come over to our house and see how we do stuff, on the proviso that they settle her how they like when they're on their own. Am still quite anxious about returning to work anyway..

I think you are prob just anxious about leaving DS and you are focussing on how he's going to be looked after while you are away from him- completely natural. If it makes you feel better to give a some written guidelines, then do - hand it over with a sheepish smile if that makes it easier! I did that - it just made me feel better about leaving my DS, which I did find difficult. MIL understood - my own mum was fine too (they shared childcare), and it helped them to know that crying at 10o'c meant food, while a shriek at 11 meant sleep.

More important, general stuff - I just say. More friendly than writing it down, and focusses the mind better. So ask her to always make sure the harness is on - keep the peace by saying he tries to escape otherwise. It's difficult for them to go against that if you've specifically said. I say please don't let them in the kitchen while the hob is hot -that's my fear (I go cold typing this!), so they respect that, although I know that if I didn't say, they'd be fairly relaxed about him being in the kitchen.

I do speak from experience - before I left DS with MIL I made my husband arrange a time with his mum for me to go round and do a 'safety inspection' - what was I thinking!? Even I felt embarrased when I got there to inspect the video (finger insertion worries...) and and dole out plug guards! But they took it all well, thankfully!

But if it makes you feel better - say. He's your child, you all love him and you all want him to be safe and happy. Going back to work is hard, your MIL should realise that, and if she doesn't then tell her you are worried about it. She should understand. Good luck.

Only read OP...

I did this for when MIL was looking after ds1 when we went away overnight to a couple of weddings. Basiclaly when he ate (and what) when he had bottles, what his bedtime routine was and the things he liked / calmed him. PILs live 4 hours away so she only sees him every couple of months so it was common sense.

I think what would be better for you (if your MIL lives close enough to be looking after your ds while you work) is to invite her to come and spend a couple of days with the 2 of you so she knows what you do for him. And ask her if it would be helpful to write any of it down. This is what would happen when you put them into nursery afterall and makes sense not just for her but also for him.

Should also say - if MIL is going to be main child carer, you do need to cultivate a relationship where you can be reasonably frank with each other.

i can't see anything wrong with it! as long as it isn't too specific i suppose, i know my mum would probably appreciate it, although mil a different story... My mum asked if there were antenatal classes for grannies! she was worried cos she knows the guidelines have changed on lots of things...mil on the other hand thinks the guidelines are all a load of rubbish and told me to give 10wk old dd a bit of bread and butter to suck on the other day..... not sure how dd was actually going to hold it...

i think the key is, as others have said, to make it light hearted and only deal with main issues such as feeding/sleeping, and then the little quirks as brocoli mentioned above.

I don't see anything wrong at all - I think the OP perhaps used the wrong words when she said "list of dos and don'ts". I'm not sure what people imagine these might be, but sounds like some posters think she will be saying things like "do not tuck his blanket in at a 90 degree angle, he's a sensitive little fellow and this will upset his morning feed", which is obviously NOT what she's on about.

Have no idea why a list of things that will make the carer more confident and the mum more secure can be anything other than a good idea....you have to trust that the OP knows best what kind of person her MIL is. They are all so diff. Mine's ace, so perhaps that's why I'm so pro the idea.

I just used to give a list of times for feeding and naps. MIL thinks once children reach 1yrs they don't need a sleep. DD1 would have a 2hour sleep every afternoon other wise she wouldn't sleep at night, dd1 (4yrs) still needs to have a sleep a couple of times a week.

But i would get a list back of when/how much she eat. When she chaged her nappy and what was in it . I think it because she was a nurse so she would write notes like she would for a paitent.

I haven't been in the same situation exactly but on the few occassions that my mum looked after DS as a baby when I was ill or away at a wedding etc she ASKED for me to write down his routine, how much milk he had etc. Similarly if I am looking after a friend's little one then I like to have some pointers on nap times etc. Obviously it gets less important as they get older and the child can communicate/go longer between meals etc but it leads to a happier life for all if the carer knows what the baby expects. It's just how you present it though - I'd ring MIL and ask if she'd like you to jot down your baby's usual routine to use as guide etc.

Why don't you ask her if she'd like you to write down a few of ds's likes and dislikes?

She might say yes because she'd appreciate the reminders, and if she says "no" you know she wouldn't look at at it even if you did one

my sil did this with my mother, we all though she was barking. Mum raised 4 children, and by that point had 6 grandchildren

As a dreaded mil, I like a list of likes and don't likes, all my dgc are so different and when they were all babes I am sure I would never have remembered who had what at what time, now they are older it's earier they tell me,

Jumpingbeans you can't be a dreaded mil if you understand that all your dgc are different! My MIL just steamrollers in announcing that my ds's must do things/like things a particular time and way, cos thats what SILs dcs do/like etc.
Mine are not allowed to be different!

There's a method in my madness, if when i had the dgc as babies, i kept as close as possible to the things they were used to, they were happy,this made looking after them so much easier.

I did it. I went back to work and left DS (5 months) with my mum. I never actually wrote instructions but I certainly spoke them - continuously. I must have really got on her nerves.
A few weeks in we had a HUGE fight. The whole thing just blew up out of all proportion.
She was clearly annoyed at my domineering ways - but I was massively upset at leaving my baby, who was in the most settled, lovely routine.
Anyway, I had to come to the realisation that she is his granny and adores him. She would never intentionally harm him.
DS is now 21 months and the calmest, happiest, healthiest ( and the most intelligent, of course!) baby!
I am a bit embarrassed at how I spoke to my mum, who after all gives up hours and hours and doesn't get paid.
My advice would be "don't" but I completely understand where you are coming from.
Good luck!