DH hates his life and want to “kill himself”

[Alwaysmyfaults]

When I met DH 7 years ago he was on his own had a good job and a ok amount of savings. He was going on holiday regularly with his family so obviously that became the norm to him.

Fast forward 7 years later 3 kids, it’s so bloody hard we go on holiday once a year now. I work full time he works part time and runs a business which is slowly taking off and will pay off in the end.

His mum and dad and his brother are always bragging about there next holiday. It eats DH up as he can’t go. “I fucking hate my life” “rather be dead” “can’t do anything anymore”

I can’t stand listening to it! It is what it is we’re not in there position. They don’t have young kids and that’s ok.

AIBU to be annoyed with him? I actually don’t mind our life. It’s hard I wish I could spend more time with my kids and go to more places. But it is what it is.

He’s not behaving fairly but I’d say that going from six holidays a year to a life of domestic drudgery would make anyone depressed. No trip to the GP is going to change the situation.

The big problem is your husbands upbringing OP, he was raised in a criminal family (dodging millions from HMRC and applying for a council flat by hiding your assets are big crimes) and taught that 6 holidays a year is "normal". Your husband never really adapted to "real life", he refuses too, it's painful I guess. What I find amazing is that a grown up man is not seeing this and instead he's looking at his family's instagram holidays and throwing tantrums.

Just because someone isn't on their uppers doesn't mean they aren't depressed or suicidal. If the OP decides to follow the majority view here and pile on the criticism, I wonder how she will feel if he actually does go off and kill himself. I wonder how posters here would feel if he did. And I wonder how the thread might have been different if it were a man posting about his wife.

If someone is expressing suicidal thoughts, they need help, not condemnation. Yes, it's hard for the OP to live with this, but calling him a selfish petulant, childish idiot isn't going to improve things for either of them. And it could be the factor that pushes him over the edge. This is a conversation to have with a GP or counsellor or mental health specialist - not with judgemental randoms on the internet who don't give a damn if got end up a widow.

OP, if this is having a knock on effect on your own mental health, see your GP or, if your work offers it, see if they have counselling services in place for you - many now do. And encourage your husband to see the GP too.

So it's tough as in tough luck for him, not tough as in woe is us, I think

Then he shouldn't have settled down and had kids. It shouldn't take a genius to work out they what life is like young and single vs young and kids if v different

This.

Don't just ignore his feelings because you think they are unreasonable. Feelings like life is not worth living (even if it doesn't seem reasonable to an outsider) need to be taken seriously. Plenty of people who had "everything to live for" killed themselves.

Why should he? He sounds like a spoilt entitled brat. Really he is going to kill himself because of vacation?

Hes made choices - marriage, children that have consequences ie they all cost

Also you are working FT & he's working PT & complaining - he needs to get a FT job so you as a family can afford all these things he considers to be so important
.

Not really, no. He's not sulking over a holiday a year as such but a drop from 6 to 1. Semantics perhaps but I grew up in poverty and never had a holiday (not even somewhere in this country) so when I was old enough to go on holiday myself I was just bloody ecstatic and felt on cloud 9. How you feel is shaped but your experiences, he grew up going on numerous holidays a year so the drop down to 1 is a loss really; however spoilt that sounds we are all human at the end of the day.

Its also not healthy to compare to others, it doesn't change your lot in life.

I echo this.

Suicidal feelings and depression can seem completely illogical and they often are. They can be expressed through what seem to be the pettiest things (like holidays).

He needs to seek professional help.

I expected this thread to be about some serious mental health issues, and not an entitled manchild whining about not being able to go on holidays with mummy and daddy! I mean he’s welcome to get a better paid job or something?

I love traveling and pre-kids definitely had 3+ holidays a year plus various weekend breaks. Now with me and DH both working, expensive mortgage, one DD and another on the way it’s obviously not the same!! I don’t see myself walking around threatening to kill myself over it though.

oh a new car aswell how depressing for him

Fucking hell, no wonder so many men actually kill themselves when this is the reaction to one telling his wife he is struggling.
What happened to caring for people you love?!? Clearly this is more than being unable to go in holiday, he is obviously finding life very difficult. I bloody hope if my DP told me that I'd be a hell of a lot more worried and sympathetic than this.

People are often like this, assume that these small cries for help are manipulative rather than just honesty from someone struggling unless the person is deemed to be justified in their struggles (which isnt how this works). Invariably afterwards people are all how did we not know, why didn't they say anything etc.

He can work full time if he wants more holidays.

Everyone on this thread who has been so dismissive should bloody well remember there is a real human being on the other side of this post. We see a tiny snapshot. We do not see the real person behind this, with all their bad and good points. This is someone's father, someone's husband and someone's son.

Yes. It's not about the holiday. Nobody talks about killing themselves because they can't go on holiday.

There's a much deeper issue here, probably very deep life dissatisfaction. Is it his own fault, did he make bad choices? Possibly. But few of us have absolutely no regrets and being dismissive and calling him names and saying he's got no right or reason to be unhappy isn't the answer.

Like I said before, if he's made so many bad choices then I think it's important to see why he made them. What was his thought process, what were the influences? And what can be done now?

He sounds like a totally spoilt baby.

I mean perhaps his family could stop bragging about their hols all the time, but other than that he has nothing to complain about.

Children are expensive, you know that going in, and frankly three is somewhat of an indulgence.

100% this. Many many people including multimillionaire celebrities have killed themselves. I suspect having three kids close together sounded great in theory but now he’s struggling. He needs to speak to his GP.

You're right, we're being shown a very unidimensional character but this applies to every thread on the internet that complaints about a partner/MIL/neighbour etc... I'm sure the husband has some great qualities but the OP has chosen to talk about a very specific "problem" she's having with him which honestly...paints him like an emotional toddler hence the reaction from posters.

I also believe he might be going through some sort of depression. If he was was brought up to believe that 6 holidays a year was normal, money grew from the trees and three kids was going to be walk in the park his tinted glasses must have fallen hard and heavy on the floor. His new reality without the tinted glasses is not looking good and I can totally see why he's depressed. A person stating he wants to kill himself should not be taken lightly at all. I lost my best friend to suicide, she told me a couple of weeks before that she wanted to kill herself. I didn't take it serious. To this day I blame myself for not listening to her cries of help. Depression is no joke.

Agreed.

This is a fucking horrible thread full of horrible horrible people.

I think with the way society in the UK has gone, it’s easy to fall into the trap he has. Culturally we don’t value family life much. Holidays and treating yourself, designer clothes, gourmet meals, etc. is pretty much all that really gets held up as something admirable or worth doing.

If he is open to talking at all, OP, a bit of a candid discussion about this and coming up with things you can aim for that will make you both feel good - things he can post on social media if he wants, but that fit in with long term goals and family life - then ongoing discussing how well you’re doing at these things. Celebrating them. Highlighting how well he’s doing growing a small business (which is v. Hard). Thanking each other for time taking care of the kids or working jobs that keep the family functioning. Find inexpensive ways to enjoy time together as a family (pizza and movie night, bbqs or picnics in the park on sunny days, take up camping or bike riding together or canoeing or silly photography. Basicallly, go all in with family life, finding the joy you can and when you come up against his family going on holiday again - try and be happy for them but also counter it with the great fun you’re going to have together.

This only works if he can get behind it - hence the need for the candid conversation about how our society makes child-free life look great but how, al so, you chose to have 3 kids and there’s a lot of good in that, so you need to revel in it a bit, throw yourselves into it and chose to enjoy the process of parenthood.

It sounds a bit Pollyanna-ish, and I don’t want to pretend that there are no challenges to parenting 3 kids when society seems to be, more and more, embracing those without caring responsibilities. But you have the best life you can when you make the best of your situation. and that’s the point. He really needs to decide he’s going to enjoy what he can of what is there, and follow that up with decision after decision that des exactly that, not wallow in self pity.