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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH hates his life and want to “kill himself”

123 replies

Alwaysmyfaults · 14/05/2023 16:39

When I met DH 7 years ago he was on his own had a good job and a ok amount of savings. He was going on holiday regularly with his family so obviously that became the norm to him.

Fast forward 7 years later 3 kids, it’s so bloody hard we go on holiday once a year now. I work full time he works part time and runs a business which is slowly taking off and will pay off in the end.

His mum and dad and his brother are always bragging about there next holiday. It eats DH up as he can’t go. “I fucking hate my life” “rather be dead” “can’t do anything anymore”

I can’t stand listening to it! It is what it is we’re not in there position. They don’t have young kids and that’s ok.

AIBU to be annoyed with him? I actually don’t mind our life. It’s hard I wish I could spend more time with my kids and go to more places. But it is what it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysmyfaults · 14/05/2023 17:31

It’s not that his family are wealthy, they’re tax dodgers! Purchased a council house for 25k yonks ago and sold it for 300k! His dad runs his own business and never paid tax in his life. All their money is hidden and now they live in a retirement living which is paid for by the government!They’ve been very lucky!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysmyfaults · 14/05/2023 17:31

I’m just sick of it all. I’m going to tell him to go to the doctors if he is that depressed!

OP posts:
Blancmangemouse · 14/05/2023 17:33

Alwaysmyfaults · 14/05/2023 17:31

It’s not that his family are wealthy, they’re tax dodgers! Purchased a council house for 25k yonks ago and sold it for 300k! His dad runs his own business and never paid tax in his life. All their money is hidden and now they live in a retirement living which is paid for by the government!They’ve been very lucky!!!

🤮

Well, there’s your answer.
Shop ‘em to the tax man.
That’ll stop the showing off and constant comparisons pretty damn quick, problem solved.

ZittingBiting · 14/05/2023 17:33

Bagzzz · 14/05/2023 17:29

I can’t even imagine where this would have sent me when me when I was depressed but to the outside world (and I did) had a very fortunate life. I can see it now with my medication, time and therapy. I know to some of you it’s a big joke or just couldn’t be real. Treat it like it might be.

Show quote history

What? Assume an adult moaning their life isn't worth living because their 2 5k holiday every year isn't enough when other people have more holidays is depressed?

Talk about minimising actual mental illness

DoughnutDreams · 14/05/2023 17:34

Bagzzz, if he was depressed I would have a different response and yes, he would need help. However, it sounds as though he's stomping about like a petulant child because he's seeing what he perceives as everyone else having more than him. I can't imagine how depressing that must be for the op and her children to be around.

sadsack78 · 14/05/2023 17:34

Taking a break from social media is a good idea. Nothing makes me feel more like a poor, fat failure than going on Instagram. It makes everyone's lives seem like a montage of holidays in the Maldives, expensive apartments in cool cities and immaculately dressed children who pose for photos and don't complain.

It takes away from the beauty of life as it is and makes our blessings feel 'not good enough' instead of the amazing things they are. I hope your DH is able to feel happier and get some joy from life in weeks to come💐

Daffodilsandtuplips · 14/05/2023 17:35

PinkArt · 14/05/2023 17:08

I'd afford a (very small) degree of sympathy to him if you just had the one kid - that's presumably as much of a shock to the system financially as it is in other ways. But you guys have three, of course that's had a huge impact on your finances and flexibility, and after the first that really shouldn't have been a huge surprise.
I'd have to sit him down and talk about the impact of his words on you. That he is saying he'd rather be dead and leave you and the kids grieving, than to not be able to go on holiday with his mummy and daddy. My next move would depend on if he changed or not, but if he didn't then I'd be ending a relationship with a man who thought I was worth less than a holiday.

The last paragraph on this quote expresses it perfectly.,

5128gap · 14/05/2023 17:37

I'd be telling him to leave and go back to his family.
If he's genuinely so unhappy he wishes he were dead, then better he's living where he would prefer than not living at all.
If he's just saying it because he's a spoiled child, he's not going to change. He was raised in a materialistic household and is a greedy man whose capacity doesn't match his demands. Which is too bad, but you don't have to be dragged down by the misery thst causes him.
If he's just saying it for drama and sympathy then calling his bluff might shock him out of it.

drpet49 · 14/05/2023 17:38

BirbFriend · 14/05/2023 16:49

Why did he agree to have 3 kids in such a small space of time?

This!

drpet49 · 14/05/2023 17:38

5128gap · 14/05/2023 17:37

I'd be telling him to leave and go back to his family.
If he's genuinely so unhappy he wishes he were dead, then better he's living where he would prefer than not living at all.
If he's just saying it because he's a spoiled child, he's not going to change. He was raised in a materialistic household and is a greedy man whose capacity doesn't match his demands. Which is too bad, but you don't have to be dragged down by the misery thst causes him.
If he's just saying it for drama and sympathy then calling his bluff might shock him out of it.

Great post

RoseslnTheHospital · 14/05/2023 17:39

He needs some kind of counselling, therapy, or treatment because either he's depressed and fixating on other people's holidays or his priorities and way of thinking are very warped. He's discounting every positive aspect of having 3 children and a long term relationship.

Shylo · 14/05/2023 17:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

This. 100%

usererror99 · 14/05/2023 17:42

I was managed to one of those OP - also have 3 children with me the main earner and him earning far far less in a low stress low pressure job

People like that will always have FOMO

He'll never be happy

If he does go to the doctor and gets treated for "depression" IME he'll just then have a "diagnosis" as an excuse to behave like a miserable arse and to then make your life miserable as well

All over a few bloody holidays

adriftinadenofvipers · 14/05/2023 17:43

Ask him - would he rather have the holidays with mummy and daddy, or have you and the children in his life??

Bronwynbay · 14/05/2023 17:47

I have been feeling very down lately, and have felt a lot of what your DH is saying - not about holidays admittedly, but about feeling like life is joyless. I too, have looked at other people, and feel like I've failed in life at times.

Of course, I decided to have my children, but that doesn't mean I can't still experience depression and unhappiness. I can't imagine being mocked and told to grow up in these circumstances. Is there no chance he could actually be depressed, OP?

ShowUs · 14/05/2023 17:52

ZittingBiting · 14/05/2023 17:22

He's not depressed if he's saying life isn't worth living because he wants more holidays than the 2.5k yearly holiday he already has.

He's being a selfish spoiled twat.

Show quote history

You’ve fortunately must have never suffered from depression.

It is not just about the holidays, he is fed up with his entire life and that is one part that he can articulate.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/05/2023 17:53

Please don't think he's depressed. He is just entitled and selfish.

Atticus999 · 14/05/2023 17:53

I’d be telling him that if he hates his life so much he can leave. Go back to mummy and daddy and enjoy your hollibobs.

Florenz · 14/05/2023 17:54

Why do people like this have children, particularly 3 children?

Original poster
Alwaysmyfaults · 14/05/2023 17:54

He’s just had a new car.we went to Amsterdam last month together. His birthday is next month we will probably go on holiday then if not July.

We’ve been together 7 years and only just bought a house we moved in last month.It’s just like the novelty wears of with everything so quick.

OP posts:
Floralie · 14/05/2023 17:55

Alwaysmyfaults · 14/05/2023 17:31

It’s not that his family are wealthy, they’re tax dodgers! Purchased a council house for 25k yonks ago and sold it for 300k! His dad runs his own business and never paid tax in his life. All their money is hidden and now they live in a retirement living which is paid for by the government!They’ve been very lucky!!!

That's impressive if he's ran a business for his entire working life and never paid tax! Lots of people bought council properties and have sold them on for ridiculous profit, you sound bitter- why haven't you shopped them if they're committing fraud?

Sounds like the holidays are a metaphor and fixation for the trapped feeling, whilst appreciate its horrible to hear I suspect he does feel down about things. To be honest it probably won't get better for you, if you've spoken about it and he is still feeling how he is and saying what he does then only you know if you want to put up with it or not. If he's genuinely struggling then a GP appointment sounds great, if he shows willing to help himself then there's a chance but I'd be prepared to leave tbh.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/05/2023 17:55

Alwaysmyfaults · 14/05/2023 17:31

I’m just sick of it all. I’m going to tell him to go to the doctors if he is that depressed!

How old are your kids?

How will they felt hearing Dad say he wants to kill himself because his life with them is so awful?

I'd tell him if he's this unhappy, you understand. You're happy to do 50/50 and you'll be as flexible as you can when he wants to go away on holiday. Him being alive matters more than you bring married. You think it's best if you stay in the family home with the kids whilst he gets settled.

Floralie · 14/05/2023 17:56

Florenz · 14/05/2023 17:54

Why do people like this have children, particularly 3 children?

A lot of men aren't that fussed I don't think, only when it sinks in that they've taken the easy road to avoid confrontation or drama that they realised the implications.

Seas164 · 14/05/2023 17:57

He's upset because he got married and had three children, works part time with a wife that works full tome, yet doesn't have the life of a single man, with a pot of savings to himself and six holidays a year?

Sorry, I'm not following. If he feels he is genuinely depressed then he needs to get some help with this, starting with a visit to the GP.

If he's fed up because he can't go on six holidays a year with his mum, then that's very different, you need have zero patience with his moaning and he needs to give his head a wobble.

Floralie · 14/05/2023 17:57

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/05/2023 17:53

Please don't think he's depressed. He is just entitled and selfish.

Someone can be all of those things to be fair. Sounds more like he simply isn't happy in the situation he's in though.