Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour telling DC to ignore my child

87 replies

Bluebirds1987 · 14/05/2023 14:15

Ok, not entirely ghosting, but my neighbour's DC told me she'd heard my DC shouting for her to see if she was playing out earlier, and that she really wanted to play but her mummy told her not to answer.
My DC had heard the other child in their back garden and was calling their name over the fence to see if she wanted to play out.

Am I being unreasonable to think that surely it's fine to just say they can't / don't want to play out right now, but to tell them to just ignore them is really mean? DC was sad and obviously as neighbours can probably hear over the garden I just said oh, they probably can't hear you or can't play out right now, rather than trying to second guess why else they wouldn't respond.

For context, we've been neighbours for a few years, the 4 DC (2 ours, 2 theirs, all under 5) all regularly play outside together in the space between our houses, and we're friendly with them, never had any neighbourly issues and DC have never had any problems - always want to play together.

I'm always mindful if DC asks and if I can see they are busy or going out or whatever and my DC wants to play I tend to just say oh it looks like they're busy let's stay inside / play just at our house without bothering them.

I completely get that they might not want to play, or parents don't want them to come and play for whatever reason, and am in no way suggesting they must, nor am I precious about my DC being told no - but that's the point. Surely it's much better to just say "no thank you, we're not playing out today" than to let them keep asking and just ignoring them?

Feel really sad for my DC as we always try to teach her to be polite and say things like no thank you. She's 3.

Should I just assume the neighbour just didn't want to say no and thought ignoring was easier or am I being unreasonable to think she should have just answered and said they can't play today? I just don't want it to become an issue where they feel like they have to avoid us in case DC asks, as like I say they do play out quite regularly! I'd rather just be able to tell DC no and be done with it lol.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 14/05/2023 14:50

Does your child shout for the neighbours child a lot?

I ask because when my kids were little we couldn't set foot in our garden without the neighbour's children shouting and climbing stuff to look at us and, honestly, it annoyed the fuck out of me in the end.

IncompleteSenten · 14/05/2023 14:51

Posted too soon. My advice is to not allow your child to shout their name at all and instead talk to the other parent and arrange times they can play together

MrsDoylesDoily · 14/05/2023 14:53

You might be overthinking it.

It does sound a bit mean on the face of it, but when we had kids nextdoor who my kids used to play with, a simple 'No, I don't want to play' would normally end in 20 questions.

Maybe she just wanted to avoid a 'situation' of some sort?

Ilikewinter · 14/05/2023 14:55

Well this is the reverse of the question normally asked on MN in this senario! Usually its the neighbour saying the next door children always shout over the fence....have to say the advice is normally to ignore the shouting child. Sorry OP but in this situation you...or rather your DC, appears to be the annoying shouty kid. Maybe wise to stop him/her calling the neighbours kids names for a while.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 14/05/2023 14:58

Well you shouldn’t be allowing your child to shout over in the first place 🤷‍♀️

Paq · 14/05/2023 15:05

YABU. At 3 you should be asking the parents, not letting your kid shout through fences.

autienotnaughtym · 14/05/2023 15:08

Agree kidding are too young to be arranging to play. You should speak to parents to invite them over. And wait to be invited back

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/05/2023 15:09

While on the face of it it's a bit mean to ignore a 3yo, it's equally quite annoying not to be able to relax in your garden without a child shouting over the fence constantly.

I would say that you need to go with your DD to knock and ask next time.

Fourpeasinapodcast · 14/05/2023 15:10

Sounds like your child calls more than once.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 14/05/2023 15:15

When your kid had shouted a couple of times and not got a response did you tell them to stop? Did you walk next door and knock to speak to the parent yourself? Or did you just let your kid keep annoying them when they clearly wanted to be left alone?

JuneOsborne · 14/05/2023 15:18

Wasn't there a thread last week asking if she was bu for telling her DC to ignore the kid next door yelling over the fence to come and play....

Original poster
Bluebirds1987 · 14/05/2023 15:22

IncompleteSenten · 14/05/2023 14:50

Does your child shout for the neighbours child a lot?

I ask because when my kids were little we couldn't set foot in our garden without the neighbour's children shouting and climbing stuff to look at us and, honestly, it annoyed the fuck out of me in the end.

No, it's the first time she's shouted over. Parents are always in the garden with them, and if they do play out at the back, it's never the children that "organise" it, we'd be chatting and they have to open their gate and we ours so it's always parent facilitated. I'd never dream of just sending her over without checking it's ok.

My DC is always asking to go play with them to be fair though (ie she will ask me if she ever sees them) which is why I'm wondering if it's annoying them and they've just not said. But if it is annoying then I'd much rather they just be able to say no, as I don't want to be the annoying parent!

I'll definitely be mindful of making sure she doesn't shout over anymore.
I don't want to be knocking on the door all the time as I think that's even more intrusive! Think I'd rather maybe just say, unless they invite us we have to stay inside the garden?

At the front, there's no fence or boundary or anything so if they're all playing out ie mine are already outside and theirs come out, or vice versa then they just end up playing together because they all ride their trikes / scooters on the path between the houses, so it's kind of a bit unavoidable if we're all out there if that makes sense. But yeah at the back it's a bit more private!

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 14/05/2023 15:23

Stop letting them call for them! We built a line of sheds and planted tall plants to stop the neighbours kid looking over and shouting. They are allowed in their garden without you!

Beautiful3 · 14/05/2023 15:28

I don't think she should be shouting over the fence. Perhaps just pop a note through their door, asking them to knock if they want to play out that day. We had a child who wouldn't stop knocking, multiple times a day. I ended up ignoring her and telling the children to ignore her, because she was relentless!

JulieHoney · 14/05/2023 15:29

I expect they didn’t like your child bellowing over the fence.

Cc1998 · 14/05/2023 15:31

You think standing in the back garden shouting is less invasive than politely knocking on?

Original poster
Bluebirds1987 · 14/05/2023 15:31

Boomboom22 · 14/05/2023 15:23

Stop letting them call for them! We built a line of sheds and planted tall plants to stop the neighbours kid looking over and shouting. They are allowed in their garden without you!

It's not in their garden, it's the shared space between our houses. But they were in their garden and we were in ours. We don't go in their garden all the time! Lol.

But yes if she starts shouting for them again I will nip that in the bud. I can definitely see how that would be intrusive. It wasn't repeated shouting or anything like that and I wouldn't have thought anything of it had her DC told me her mum said not to respond.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebirds1987 · 14/05/2023 15:38

Boomboom22 · 14/05/2023 15:23

Stop letting them call for them! We built a line of sheds and planted tall plants to stop the neighbours kid looking over and shouting. They are allowed in their garden without you!

But why wouldn't you just say, no thank you not today - or if there's annoying shouted all the time (that's not the case here) surely you'd just say something and ask neighbour to text or knock politely instead if that was preferred - in which case could just as politely say not today? Rather than ignore and put up with said shouting?

Maybe it's just me but I prefer to just be direct and honest which is why I think I've probably overthought this so much 🙈 obviously I won't be letting her shout over again anyway so that won't be an issue.

OP posts:
mainsfed · 14/05/2023 15:42

@JuneOsborne that’s a different person? Whose dd is 3.

mainsfed · 14/05/2023 15:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

mainsfed · 14/05/2023 15:43

Bluebirds1987 · 14/05/2023 15:38

But why wouldn't you just say, no thank you not today - or if there's annoying shouted all the time (that's not the case here) surely you'd just say something and ask neighbour to text or knock politely instead if that was preferred - in which case could just as politely say not today? Rather than ignore and put up with said shouting?

Maybe it's just me but I prefer to just be direct and honest which is why I think I've probably overthought this so much 🙈 obviously I won't be letting her shout over again anyway so that won't be an issue.

Show quote history

Not everyone is comfortable being direct.

You have got the hint now.

Original poster
Bluebirds1987 · 14/05/2023 15:44

JuneOsborne · 14/05/2023 15:32

Show quote history

Haha thanks for this!! This is actually a really useful perspective!
Not my neighbour as ages don't match up and ours are all girls, but really useful to see the other side of it and hopefully what others find acceptable on the "other side of the fence"
X

OP posts:
Orders76 · 14/05/2023 15:50

For me sometimes it's not about being direct, it's about being able to be unstructured and easy going with my kids rather than repeatedly put energy into saying no or being direct.
I am the type that would utilize a hedge to relax in my garden without having any other concerns.

SparklyBlackKitten · 14/05/2023 15:52

How can you even see that the neighbours "look busy or are about to go out?" Do you keep watch at the front windows and charger at them at other times when they look "available"?.
Just because you can see or hear eachother over the fence doesn't give the right to yell out.
Teach your dd some manners and yourself too whilst you're at it. I would hate to have neighbours like you that would spy on me to see if my kids wanted to play.