Neighbour telling DC to ignore my child

[Bluebirds1987]

Ok, not entirely ghosting, but my neighbour's DC told me she'd heard my DC shouting for her to see if she was playing out earlier, and that she really wanted to play but her mummy told her not to answer.
My DC had heard the other child in their back garden and was calling their name over the fence to see if she wanted to play out.

Am I being unreasonable to think that surely it's fine to just say they can't / don't want to play out right now, but to tell them to just ignore them is really mean? DC was sad and obviously as neighbours can probably hear over the garden I just said oh, they probably can't hear you or can't play out right now, rather than trying to second guess why else they wouldn't respond.

For context, we've been neighbours for a few years, the 4 DC (2 ours, 2 theirs, all under 5) all regularly play outside together in the space between our houses, and we're friendly with them, never had any neighbourly issues and DC have never had any problems - always want to play together.

I'm always mindful if DC asks and if I can see they are busy or going out or whatever and my DC wants to play I tend to just say oh it looks like they're busy let's stay inside / play just at our house without bothering them.

I completely get that they might not want to play, or parents don't want them to come and play for whatever reason, and am in no way suggesting they must, nor am I precious about my DC being told no - but that's the point. Surely it's much better to just say "no thank you, we're not playing out today" than to let them keep asking and just ignoring them?

Feel really sad for my DC as we always try to teach her to be polite and say things like no thank you. She's 3.

Should I just assume the neighbour just didn't want to say no and thought ignoring was easier or am I being unreasonable to think she should have just answered and said they can't play today? I just don't want it to become an issue where they feel like they have to avoid us in case DC asks, as like I say they do play out quite regularly! I'd rather just be able to tell DC no and be done with it lol.

YABU.
For lots of reasons.

Im a mother of a child who would absolutely shout over the fence.
I would be putting strict instructions to them not to. (Not that he would listen, but hey check out my username).
Equally if a kid was shouting over our fence and one of my kids wasn't keen, I'd tell them to ignore them, what else can they do?

Bloody hell. It's ok for kids to talk to other kids over the fence. Some right miserable sods on this thread.

Think I'd rather maybe just say, unless they invite us we have to stay inside the garden?
Yes that sounds much better. I can see how it would be very annoying to have a child constantly asking to play in the shared space .

My kids and the neighbours kid were always calling over the fence. Not everyone lives in their own little world with no contact with the neighbours.

Course it is.
If the other kid wants to play too.

But what if the other kid doesn't want to play, and they tell their mum that?

What do you think the mum is going to say....? maybe something like "just ignore them then."

They could say no thank you?

Obviously it's not fine to be shouting over all the time, but as I've already said it was the first time and I will be asking her not to in future.

Just for context though, it's not particularly unusual for either side to be chatty / interacting, both kids and parents and everyone's usually pretty relaxed. We've been out for drinks etc before with them so its not like we're strangers!

You are very insistent that they have to respond to your dc. You have admitted your child asks to play with them a lot, sounds like they need a break.

I wonder if you are this intense in person and this is why they have pulled back.

This. With bells on.

The other mum could just have said 'she's not playing today' No big deal to say that is it?

I think you're making it into something bigger than it is. The child is simply following their parents instructions. The most obvious reason is that young children are very likely to ask Why? or When can you play?
The Mum doesn't have or want to share the reasons. As many a parent has said "because I said so".
BTW, you might feel that you are being considerate and not allowing your child to 'pester' them when they're busy but you have no idea when they're busy. Busy to me isn't about doing just physical stuff, it's about head space. At that moment at that time mum did not have the head space for your kid so she did what she thought was the simplest solution. Ignore him. In her head she was probably think FO!

Thanks for this. I was starting to think maybe I'd just completely misjudged the situation, but people seem to think it's a really irritating child that shouts over ALL the time. It's not, they normally play together and she shouted the once, which is why I thought it was a bit off to be told the DC had just been told to ignore her.

Also the DC told me she had wanted to play, so it was just the mum that hadn't wanted it for whatever reason.

And don't get me wrong, that's totally fine!
Just wish she'd have said actually not today, rather than saying ignore.

The people saying to ignore - if a friend asks to do something do you just ignore them if you don't want to? I try to teach my DC the values I want them to have growing up, and also around setting boundaries politely so even though she's only 3 and even if she was being irritating shouting, surely it's not that unreasonable to think they might just say no not today thank you?

Being ignored is awful as an adult, I wouldn't ever teach my children that unless it's something that's already been said politely and the other person isn't listening.

Maybe they don't want to have to look after your child as well as their own. Maybe they think if they do it once it will lead you to asking all the time for them to have your 3 year old round. Maybe they were slouching around unshowered having a lazy day and didn't want to host you and a 3 year old assuming you would want to go round too as your child is only 3. It doesn't really matter why they said to their child to ignore yours they didn't want to entertain her or both of you. If you had asked they would presumably have answered you.

Not at all - they don't HAVE TO respond. I just think ignoring is rude and wondered if I was missing something, hence asking if IABU to think ignoring isn't very nice - and yes that a no thank you is better. obviously I'm making a point of it because it's the point of this thread 😊

This has made me think about when I was a child as well as when I was raising mine.

Even if I heard my NDN's child in their back garden I was taught that the 'polite' thing to do was to go next door, knock, and ask the parent if their child could play. That gave the parent the option to ask the child out of my hearing, then invite me in, send the child out, or say "No, not now" or whatever. I taught my DC the same.

To clarify, she wasn't asking to go round to theirs, she was just asking if they could play together. Well, not even that she just called their name - but obviously with the intention she wanted to play.
Often when they do play their parents don't come out of the garden as theirs are a bit older than mine and the space between the houses is safe, so I am always supervising my two (to make sure youngest is ok / doesn't go off to the front where the road is) - they just play together in the space between the houses.

I totally appreciate the parents don't owe me an explanation and may just want to relax with their two, - also fine with me!

I'm not questioning their reasons at all - even if they just don't particularly like my child and don't want to, that's cool with me, they don't have to tell me. It's just ignoring them rather than saying no that I was getting at. You can still say no without having to explain?

I think it’s really horrible to ignore a three year old!

Yes @Bluebirds1987, you should stop your toddler from shouting at them but for the neighbours to ignoring the baby is horrid. They could have just had a word with you.

Probably projecting as I have a three year old! 😂

Or is it more the opinion that shouting over is rude, therefore this should be ignored?

Happy to admit IABU if this is the vast majority opinion.

I just felt it was a bit mean for neighbours who are friendly and for a first offence for a 3yr old 🤷

Am I being unreasonable to think that surely it's fine to just say they can't / don't want to play out right now, but to tell them to just ignore them is really mean?

That depends how many times your DC kept shouting it over the fence?

Perhaps she didn't take " No" for an answer?

I did this when I was 3 or 4.
There was a family over the road. "Claire" was the same age as me.
She'd often come knocking on our door to play, but I wasn't allowed out of the gate.

I remember one day I spotted her in her garden while I was playing in my garden.
I shouted over our gate for "Claire" (several times) to see if she wanted to play.

Her dad came storming over and hissed in my face, "Stop shouting for Claire, you little shit! Can't you see we're having a barbecue!!"

I never shouted for Claire after that.
Funny how these things stick in our memories.
I've always discouraged my own children from shouting for their friends with that in my memory.

It is rude to shout over the fence. It is perfectly fine to ignore it in this situation. Text the mother or knock on the door if your DC want a playdate (but they aren't obliged to answer the text or open the door if they don't want to).

The other child might have not wanted to play, but might have been too shy to say no.
The mum might have not wanted to get into a long discussion about reasons but she might have wanted her DC not to play out despite there being desire from all the DC to play.
The mum might have been shy of engaging with you for whatever reason.

It's no biggie to say "Just ignore them" and it then falls to you to say "Oh dear, Amelia next door can't hear us never mind let's play with these chalks" or whatever.

I’d be telling mine to ignore yours too since you feel that it was in any way ok to be shouting over the fence. Best way to discourage it ever happening again is to outright ignore the shouting child and make sure that you ignore every time until they get the message.

I'd bet a 3 year old wouldn't accept a simple no thank you without a hundred follow up questions. Once you've engaged with a toddler, especially one you know, you're stuck politely answering questions for ages ime. Especially one who has been taught adults will reply every time

You have no idea what the other parent was doing and so her saying "Just ignore OPs DC" might have been because she didn't want to get into a discussion about the kids playing out.

They may have been going somewhere in a short time and she didn't want to be worrying about her DC kicking off if she let them play out for a few minutes and then had to leave; they may have been going to an event that required her to be getting ready (eg a family birthday) and didn't want her DC getting messy playing; she may have been lounging around the house in her PJs and didn't want to have to come out in them to talk to the neighbours; she may just have wanted a quiet afternoon without having to do any mental load work including speaking to the neighbours; she may have been feeling unwell and didn't want to have to deal with any child other than her own ...

There's any number of reasons why the neighbour may have told her child to just ignore the shouting, and it is not unreasonable of her to do so as they are not obliged to respond to unsolicited yelling at them. Would it have been nice of them to respond? Of course, but they didn't know that their "No, DC aren't playing out rn" would be taken without argument, especially by a small child who is more than likely not going to understand a polite brush off in the same way an adult would so went down the path of least resistance.