Neighbour telling DC to ignore my child

[Bluebirds1987]

Ok, not entirely ghosting, but my neighbour's DC told me she'd heard my DC shouting for her to see if she was playing out earlier, and that she really wanted to play but her mummy told her not to answer.
My DC had heard the other child in their back garden and was calling their name over the fence to see if she wanted to play out.

Am I being unreasonable to think that surely it's fine to just say they can't / don't want to play out right now, but to tell them to just ignore them is really mean? DC was sad and obviously as neighbours can probably hear over the garden I just said oh, they probably can't hear you or can't play out right now, rather than trying to second guess why else they wouldn't respond.

For context, we've been neighbours for a few years, the 4 DC (2 ours, 2 theirs, all under 5) all regularly play outside together in the space between our houses, and we're friendly with them, never had any neighbourly issues and DC have never had any problems - always want to play together.

I'm always mindful if DC asks and if I can see they are busy or going out or whatever and my DC wants to play I tend to just say oh it looks like they're busy let's stay inside / play just at our house without bothering them.

I completely get that they might not want to play, or parents don't want them to come and play for whatever reason, and am in no way suggesting they must, nor am I precious about my DC being told no - but that's the point. Surely it's much better to just say "no thank you, we're not playing out today" than to let them keep asking and just ignoring them?

Feel really sad for my DC as we always try to teach her to be polite and say things like no thank you. She's 3.

Should I just assume the neighbour just didn't want to say no and thought ignoring was easier or am I being unreasonable to think she should have just answered and said they can't play today? I just don't want it to become an issue where they feel like they have to avoid us in case DC asks, as like I say they do play out quite regularly! I'd rather just be able to tell DC no and be done with it lol.

Why should they have to engage with you just because you’re putting pressure on them to?

My child isn't allowed out to play without me so I told my friend's kids they were welcome to come in and play instead when they knocked for him once, and they have since taken the piss out of this offer. I have pretended not to be in before, to avoid looking into their faces and saying sorry you can't come inside.

If your daughter could see/hear her friend through the fence then I agree it would be strange and confusing for a three year old to be shouting at people and be ignored. But if she didn't know if they were there, completely fair enough to ignore imo.

Your kid is probably annoying them. Don't let her call out to them, and don't encourage her to keep asking to play.

My god I’d hate to have neighbours with kids the same age as mine for this reason. They might not like you enough to live in your pockets. You need to stop your kid yelling over the fence for theirs (as you’ve already acknowledged). 3 is very young for unaccompanied play dates so I suppose they’re trying to avoid being stuck babysitting your DCs.

Sometimes this happens because one neighbour is a bit precious and prefers their kids not to play with others whilst at home, or to have other people's children in their house.

Sometimes it's because people have other plans, whether at home or not.

Sometimes it's because people are exhausted and don't want twice as many kids charging around, or needing to be supervised. Especially little ones.

Sometimes because there are neighbours who use you as an unpaid babysitter - we've all been there and my old neighbour had the nerve to go out too.

How am I putting pressure on them to engage with me?

OP, You keep hammering the same point, but you don't have to understand why the other mum didn't 'just say no'.

You say this is the first time your child has called over, but also say it's not the first time.... are you always with your DD in the garden to say for sure she only called out once?
If there's space between the houses, she'd have to be loud to be heard, that sounds annoying.
Of course it's not nice to ignore any child, but you have no idea what the other mum was dealing with.
People have said uabu but seems that's not enough as you latched on the first person who said you weren't as the only voice of reason.

You wanted the neighbour to shout back , across the shared space from her garden to yours. Surely she was just going about her business . I wouldn't reply as I'd not want to encourage a child shouting to me.

Even if I heard my NDN's child in their back garden I was taught that the 'polite' thing to do was to go next door, knock, and ask the parentif their child could play. That gave the parent the option to ask the child out of my hearing, then invite me in, send the child out, or say "No, not now" or whatever. I taught my DC the same.

That's what I was taught, and what we're teaching DC.

Yep, massively bad manners, rude etc.

same sort of people who sit at their desks at work and need to ask someone a question, and just shout out. Get off your arse, walk over and ask the person in a normal voice once you’ve checked you’re not interputing

same sort of people that shout orders or questions at each other up the stairs cos they can’t be bothered to climb the stairs and actually talk nicely.

it says my time is more important than yours. My needs are more important than yours.

not just frigging annoying , massively arrogant. Who the hell, apart form poster, allows their kids to do that

Oh my, really...

You are way overthinking this...

Also just to clarify, at NO point are they not supervised, my two are 3 and under so at no point are we ever using them as "unpaid babysitters", I am ALWAYS supervising them. The other parents are also always in the garden too so it's not like they'd be having to explain to a toddler - obviously they'd say no and then I'd be enforcing it - have done loads of times if either party hasn't been able to play before, or if someone has to go in for tea etc.
Also, I did not encourage the shouting - it was literally a one off when my DC heard their 3yr old in the garden and wanted to play, I didn't say oh shout louder love, I just said looks like they're not playing out today/ words to that matter.

The neighbours kids eldest is 5, so they are also never unsupervised - however they are left to their own devices a bit more, but parents always around in the garden if they are playing down the side of the house. So if anything it's me that would be stuck with 2 extra children!

We are friendly, enough that we do some social things outside of being neighbours, which is why I thought it was odd that they didn't feel they could just say they weren't playing.

For someone who said I'm spying on them, wtf?!
we live next door!

They need to chap the door.

It sounds like your neighbours sick of being shouted through to in the garden

I just knew the responses you would get on here would be how annoying your dc is, because that is the level of mumnetters mentality.
The sad truth is this is where innocent children start to learn that not every adult is nice and kind. It is also where children learn how to "bully" and transfer the nastiness they have encountered in their short lives onto other children.

It is easy to see how it happens, because so many people think it is acceptable to be cruel to a 3 year old. Everyone on here seems to be joining in saying that it is perfectly acceptable to use negative and unkind language and actions to a baby, because that is all 3 year olds are in essence. In other words "pack mentality" unfortunately you can't protect your dc from how the world really is forever. It is a horrible lesson to learn at such a tender age, but that is the selfish times we live in. Adults should know better but they don't!

As I've said, several times already - I didn't "allow it". She's not shouted over the fence before, so it's a matter of telling her it's not ok now, and I just won't let her do it again.
Also, a 3 year old calling to her friend to play? I can see how it's rude if it's horrible demanding shouting but she was shouting to her friend so she could hear her, not because she wanted to "shout" in the sense of OI COME PLAY!

Anyway, I can see this is just playing out as my DC being a rude annoying child who feels entitled to a response because I'm a terrible mother bringing her up by responding to her, and telling her no if she's not allowed to do something, and having a vague expectation that other children aren't taught to ignore their friends when they ask if they want to play!

I'm not sure why I came on here as I clearly don't think I'm being unreasonable in this particular case 😂 but I feel like the context has just totally been missed. Obviously I won't let her shout over again, I do feel a bit sad the other mum chose to ignore rather than say no, but we'll all get over it and no harm done 😂

Thanks for the thoughts on possible reasons for ignoring and that other thread has helped me feel a bit better that it's probably just other factors and ignoring was the easiest thing for whatever the reason was.

It's hard work being a parent, every situation is always something new that you have to navigate and having older children probably means this kind of thing is easier to navigate than when you come across it for the first time, so hopefully moving forward I won't need to overthink this again!

Jesus, Some of these answers are horrible, OP. Your 3 year old did nothing wrong.

Quite. I sometimes wonder if it is the right people that sign up to Mumsnet, because it seems any chance to bring down a child/mother the members pounce all over it. It is like most members actively hate children, especially very young ones.

My bet is that it's not about you or DD at all. I'd expect that mum had other plans and didn't want her own daughter getting into a loud conversation about how she wants to play but mum says no. Your DD would ask why not, that would then be relayed to the little girl's mother and then the woman is entangled in one of those endless conversations that kids have, but all mediated via her own kid!

Easier to say "don't say anything back, you can play together later."

It's just pack mentality One dickhead poster starts being a twat about a 3 year old and everyone piles on to stick the boot in.

.

Yes. It's the sheep effect.

Definitely did overthink it! Probably because we live next door, so I anticipate there's a lot of playing out together for years to come, I thought advice possibly needed to prevent it becoming a recurring issue, both for my own DC or the neighbours.

OP honestly don't go overthinking it. The mum next door might just have been having a bad morning and busy doing something else or whatever and wasn't intentionally being rude. I've a similar situation in that the child next door is always calling to mine over the fence and to be honest at times it's very annoying but we are all neighbours and all plan to live here long term (not saying that your child is annoying btw) so I'm aware there are probably plenty of times when it's MY children who are annoying to them .

Ok, yep, responded to another poster, so reading back, yep, sorry a bit ott.

let me put this a more nuanced way, as a parent who would have told my child to ignore it.

im an introvert. I’m not shy, I like company, but on my own terms in places and times I can control the length of. Without that I can get sensory overload of both noise and interaction. I’m not suffering from any mental condition, just a common or garden introvert who needs space away from people I don’t really know to recharge my “batteries”. I need boundariesaround those sorts of casual social interactions,, and one of those is the actual physical boundaries around my home .

I would find anyone “ inviting “ themselves to engage with me or my kids (when they were young) without checking first it was ok, genuinely over bearing and would feel out of control

I would pull my child away, and tell them not to respond, so they know that I dont like them to behave in same way back, and, if in earshot of your child, to send the message that they’ve overstepped the boundaries of what I think are social interaction overtures. I would not even engage with you over the fence, for fear that once started it would never stop. My garden is my safe haven, I don’t want someone I barely know inviting themselves to join in my garden time, even if it’s from over the fence

now , if you or your child came round to the door, you are recognising my boundaries and the door is the right way to start social interaction imho. I can choose to answer politely and say it’s not convenient or say, yes, how lovely to see you, come on in. I can set my boundaries, and you or your child being at the door says to me that you also know my boundaries, and you know yours.

so, your child’s not done it before. Please read the negative comments like mine as the fairly visceral reactions of folks who absolutely want to keep their boundaries. Take it as a learning point. It doesn’t mean said child won’t end up being best mates forever in years to come with your child, but please continue to teach your child to understand that some people have boundaries, and they need to respect those.

there, as I say, sorry I pissed you off and it wasn’t acceptable for me to say it that way.

Word to the wise, coming onto AIBU means you’re asking for a black and white response, it gets a lot of footfall and I was building on another’s comment, which as one poster has just said, tends to wind people up into what seems to the poor poster as a pile on.

I responded as someone who would be horrified by encouraging a child to think it’s ok to burst into my presence at any moment (albeit just verbally) expecting a response and engaged social interactions. Oh, the horror of it 🤣🤣😱

I totally identify with this @Whiteroomjoy.

Well articulated.

Oh for gods sake 😂