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AIBU?

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Original poster

Leaving dog for 12 hours

115 replies

IggyNora · 14/05/2023 10:26

My MIL has a 1 year old bichon who is left for 12 hours 2 days a week, with only the neighbour going in to open the door for it to go to the toilet. One of the days it does a daycare type thing at someone's house and the the other 2 she is home.

DH has started going in for a few hours on one of the days and I do the other day. We are finding this far too annoying, we constantly have to think about it, etc. I spoke to MIL who said she completely understands and that she has never asked us to do that (which is true she hasn't, but I feel bad for the dog) she says he is absolutely fine and to just not go if we don't want to.

I said to her can't she do the daycare place for those other 2 days and she kind of just laughed and said "who is paying". I get I should maybe stay out of it but it's a bit hard knowing there is a young dog alone for so long.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/05/2023 12:17

Fairytoast · 14/05/2023 12:06

No dog should be left alone for that long, your mil is cruel. Dogs thrive in company and should not be left alone for more than 4 hours, ideally. We have a rescue, he was left all day, every day for the first year of his life. He has so many issues due to this. People saying it’s ok and dogs are fine with this don’t understand dogs and should never own them. Being left for hours on end especially without any form of enrichment or play is detrimental to their health and development. You are very kind to help out, your mil should appreciate that.

But equally, lots of dogs are left all day and don't go on to develop issues.

It's true that leaving a dog who is anxious will result in issues, but that doesn't mean all dogs will get anxious and develop issues.

My own dog has separation anxiety and would probably be utterly traumatised if he was left for three hours, let alone an entire day, but I know not all dogs are like that and many are absolutely fine on their own.

We also don't know that the dog has no enrichment - I'm sure it has toys etc.

Swansridinghorses · 14/05/2023 12:22

I really think this is not that bad depending on what the dog is doing the rest of the time. I have two high energy collies who get usually 2 walks a day. They also have two longer days where they’re at home. But they do agility, scentwork, trick training etc. if I’m home with them on the day time they’re asleep for most of it. Dogs get used to their routine and as long as they are getting stimulation I don’t think this is that bad.Is the dog doing anything destructive? Or expressing frustration behaviours? If it was every day it would be different

waterlego · 14/05/2023 12:22

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/05/2023 12:03

My dog is pleased to see me after I've popped upstairs to get a jumper - it doesn't mean that he's distressed.

Show quote history

😂 That’s a good point. But then you’ve got your jumper and you’re spending some more time with/near the dog, you’re not disappearing again.

I take the other poster’s point that more than one dog together is a much better situation as they keep each other company and might play together. I still think it’s cruel to leave a solo dog on its own for 12 hours.

Roselilly36 · 14/05/2023 12:22

monsteramunch · 14/05/2023 10:37

What a selfish owner she is. A one year old dog left for twelve hours a day without stimulation other than being let out for a wee once or twice is completely unacceptable. Poor little thing.

This ^

VeggieSalsa · 14/05/2023 12:23

I have cameras at home and my doggy day care has cameras. I am CERTAIN my dog is happier at home. At home, she sleeps most of the time, potters about the kitchen and watches the back garden like it’s TV.

At day care she sits in the corner away from other dogs and stares at the floor for hours on end.

When I work from home she doesn’t come to see me for 8 hours and prefers her own company.

Some dogs are fine alone for long periods.

DifferenceEngines · 14/05/2023 12:23

SlipSlidinAway · 14/05/2023 11:43

It always annoys me when owners say their dog is 'fine' being left alone for long periods. How exactly do they know? Just because the dog hasn't reached the point of being so bored/distressed it's chewing up the house, doesn't mean it's not miserable.

I also hate the other frequently trotted out comment that 'I know lots of people who leave their dogs alone all day'. As if the fact that lots of people do it means it's okay 🙄

They know because they check on them with cameras. In some cases, watching them obsessively with cameras.

CurlewKate · 14/05/2023 12:24

It is incredibly important to remember that dogs do not understand time. They also cannot read a clock.

Swansridinghorses · 14/05/2023 12:25

For mine they need the downtime. We know dogs need to sleep for large portions of the day. We did the daycare thing and they were far more stressed and wired in the evenings as they are having walks and then staying home. I saw lots of dogs stressed during lockdown at routine changes and actually not getting the downtime they were used to as well. I’m obviously not advocating everyone leave their dog for hours on end every day. But also that this Persian shouldn’t be vilified for 2 longer days within a week

DifferenceEngines · 14/05/2023 12:27

VeggieSalsa · 14/05/2023 12:23

I have cameras at home and my doggy day care has cameras. I am CERTAIN my dog is happier at home. At home, she sleeps most of the time, potters about the kitchen and watches the back garden like it’s TV.

At day care she sits in the corner away from other dogs and stares at the floor for hours on end.

When I work from home she doesn’t come to see me for 8 hours and prefers her own company.

Some dogs are fine alone for long periods.

This. A lot of dogs don't enjoy socialising with other dogs as much as their owners think they do. It can be quite stressful for them.

gogohmm · 14/05/2023 12:29

This doggy day care thing is new, plenty of dogs were left a full work day plus travel without issues until it was invented. Not saying it is ideal but dogs cope with what they are used to. Mine would find doggie daycare far more distressing

Theelephantinthecastle · 14/05/2023 12:40

SlipSlidinAway · 14/05/2023 11:43

It always annoys me when owners say their dog is 'fine' being left alone for long periods. How exactly do they know? Just because the dog hasn't reached the point of being so bored/distressed it's chewing up the house, doesn't mean it's not miserable.

I also hate the other frequently trotted out comment that 'I know lots of people who leave their dogs alone all day'. As if the fact that lots of people do it means it's okay 🙄

So if you can't judge whether the dog is ok or not by its behaviour how are you supposed to know anything about whether your dog is happy?

Maybe your dog hates you being around all the time but you can't tell?

Mytholmroyd · 14/05/2023 12:43

VeggieSalsa · 14/05/2023 12:23

I have cameras at home and my doggy day care has cameras. I am CERTAIN my dog is happier at home. At home, she sleeps most of the time, potters about the kitchen and watches the back garden like it’s TV.

At day care she sits in the corner away from other dogs and stares at the floor for hours on end.

When I work from home she doesn’t come to see me for 8 hours and prefers her own company.

Some dogs are fine alone for long periods.

This! My dogs lie in front of the floor length kitchen windows watching the comings and goings on the village green and taking turns to be alert to predators.

My partner and I WFH 2-3 days a week but the dogs don't follow us around - they usually just lie in a literal dogpile in front of the window until we go into the garden or there is a chance of food appearing or walk time. They are totally chilled and confident in their place in the 'pack'.

I guess the dynamic might be different if we had only one though - not had a lone dog except for very short periods of time.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/05/2023 12:43

VeggieSalsa · 14/05/2023 12:23

I have cameras at home and my doggy day care has cameras. I am CERTAIN my dog is happier at home. At home, she sleeps most of the time, potters about the kitchen and watches the back garden like it’s TV.

At day care she sits in the corner away from other dogs and stares at the floor for hours on end.

When I work from home she doesn’t come to see me for 8 hours and prefers her own company.

Some dogs are fine alone for long periods.

Exactly.

There are so many assumptions that daycare is the better option and while it might be for some, other dogs find it incredibly stressful and overwhelming - being in an enclosed space with lots of strange dogs isn't necessarily a great way for them to spend their days.

rookiemere · 14/05/2023 12:51

Wow what odd responses. Usually on mumsnet if someone who isn't home most of the time proposes getting a dog, they are robustly lambasted, here apparently it's absolutely fine and OP should butt out ( but the posters wouldn't leave their own dog that long).

It's not ideal OP, but don't tie yourself in knots trying to sort out someone else's selfishness, take the dog out if and when you can, but don't do it out of obligation. The dog will survive and sadly according to this thread, many dogs are being left solo for long periods ( fine with other dogs around for company).

melj1213 · 14/05/2023 12:55

YABU

I petsit for my parents dog when they're away on holiday (mum is retired and dad works offshore so is "home" for months at a time so they have lots of time for regular 2/3week trips away) but I do 8hr shifts at work 4 days a week.

The dog is more than fine with that as she is 12yo and spends much of the day sleeping. She is a border collie cross so as a youngster she would not have suited being left for 8hrs at a time as she needed lots of stimulation to burn off her energy as a working dog breed. However, even then she could be left for a few hours on occasion because my parents did get her used to being left for periods of time from being a puppy. They built up the time they were out of the house incrementally (so they didn't go from being home 24/7 to being gone for 12hrs) so that if there was an emergency or if they were held up unavoidably then the dog was happy to be left alone for longer periods when necessary.

I know far more people who have anxious/stressed dogs who can't be left since COVID because their dogs never got the chance to get "being alone" training, and the owners have adapted to that by ensuring their dog is always supervised either by going to doggy daycare or having someone come in and spend time with them. The problem comes if there is an emergency or problem whereby the owner has to be away for longer than an hour or two and nobody is available to supervise the dog, it gets stressed out anxious and doesn't know how to self regulate itself so they come home to it having got destructive/soiled itself.

When petsitting I always make sure the dog has food and water, a few toys and I leave the radio or TV on for company but often she will just take herself off to one of her many beds or her crate and sleep, and then just every few hours she'll get up and move to a different bed (we have cameras in the house so I can check on her periodically). Even when there are people in the house she loves when people come in and wants a fuss but within about 10 minutes she takes herself off to bed.

She gets a short 30 minute walk every morning, a longer walk every couple of days and a trip to the local beach where she can run freely once a week which is more than enough for her. At 12 she is getting old and can't manage a massive walk every day, when she was younger she would have needed a minimum of 2 1hr walks daily but even then as long as she got her walks she could easily be left for 4/5 hrs without any issue.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/05/2023 12:56

rookiemere · 14/05/2023 12:51

Wow what odd responses. Usually on mumsnet if someone who isn't home most of the time proposes getting a dog, they are robustly lambasted, here apparently it's absolutely fine and OP should butt out ( but the posters wouldn't leave their own dog that long).

It's not ideal OP, but don't tie yourself in knots trying to sort out someone else's selfishness, take the dog out if and when you can, but don't do it out of obligation. The dog will survive and sadly according to this thread, many dogs are being left solo for long periods ( fine with other dogs around for company).

I think the main difference here is that OP isn't a dog owner/prospective dog owner asking for advice.

Nobody has said that leaving a dog for 12 hours is "absolutely fine" either - they have said that it's not OP's place to judge as it's not her dog and there's no evidence the dog is distressed or unhappy.

If she'd said the dog was tearing up the house, howling constantly or toileting all over the floor, it would be different again.

EllandRd · 14/05/2023 12:59

Mind your own business OP, your MIL has not asked for or requested your help. She is doing what needs to be done.

redboxer321 · 14/05/2023 13:11

I know this is AIBU but I'm really shocked at the replies you've had here.
Posters telling you to butt out should remember the saying: "All that is required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."
I am not suggesting your MIL is being evil but she sure has hell is being irresponsible and selfish.

If you know where she got the dog from you could try contacting them and asking for their thoughts. She might be breaking her contract with the breeder or rescue centre and they might be able to at least make her re-evaluate what she is doing.

Other than that, I think you either have to keep going to spend a bit of time with the dog or if you can, offer to pay for the other two days in doggie daycare or for a dog walker to come to give the dog a break.

rookiemere · 14/05/2023 13:19

I'd just like to point out there is a huge difference between leaving an elderly dog alone for that length of time versus a young one. Ditto getter dogs used to being on their own for 3-4 hr stretches and evenings when humans are out, or indeed dogs with canine companions.

ShowUs · 14/05/2023 13:28

Why do you think it’s so bad to leave a dog that long?

Unless it’s a young dog then most dogs sleep for the majority of the day and do not need constant attention (too much attention can be worse than too little).

The biggest issue is it needing the toilet but you say a neighbour lets it out, so it’s fine.

Of course it’s not the perfect scenario but it isn’t the end of the world and as long as it’s given attention when she gets home and toys and things to keep it mentally stimulated then it’s fine.

If you put your dog in kennels for a week it’s not going to get constant human interaction, neither do dogs that roam around farms all day.

rookiemere · 14/05/2023 13:39

"If you put your dog in kennels for a week it’s not going to get constant human interaction, neither do dogs that roam around farms all day."

I wouldn't put my dog in kennels having seen some of them, but at least there they would have interaction with other dogs and farm dogs outside are not sitting with nothing to do in a house alone. Dogs are sociable creatures,a nice diet and some tummy tickles don't make up for getting a pet to then not meet its most basic needs a lot of the time.

waterlego · 14/05/2023 13:40

@ShowUs, it IS a young dog. OP says it is 1 year old.

monsteramunch · 14/05/2023 13:54

ShowUs · 14/05/2023 13:28

Why do you think it’s so bad to leave a dog that long?

Unless it’s a young dog then most dogs sleep for the majority of the day and do not need constant attention (too much attention can be worse than too little).

The biggest issue is it needing the toilet but you say a neighbour lets it out, so it’s fine.

Of course it’s not the perfect scenario but it isn’t the end of the world and as long as it’s given attention when she gets home and toys and things to keep it mentally stimulated then it’s fine.

If you put your dog in kennels for a week it’s not going to get constant human interaction, neither do dogs that roam around farms all day.

It is a young dog.

The first few words of the first post are: "My MIL has a one year old bichon..."

larkstar · 14/05/2023 13:57

I find the idea of leaving a dog for 12 hours terrible. My rule is 4hrs - I make sure I interact with my dog when I pass her lying on her bed - not every single time - but if I've been busy for a couple of hours I will have some little interaction with her. If it has to be 12 hours I don't think a dog is a suitable pet but - just my opinion. I didn't have a dog until I was able to work from home or when I effectively retired.

SlipSlidinAway · 14/05/2023 14:02

*So if you can't judge whether the dog is ok or not by its behaviour how are you supposed to know anything about whether your dog is happy?

Maybe your dog hates you being around all the time but you can't tell?*

@Theelephantinthecastle

Oh come on. Dogs are sociable animals. Of course they prefer to be around their humans. I'm retired and my dogs follow me around everywhere. If I stay in one place - kitchen, garden etc - they'll settle down and go to sleep near me. If they didn't want to be around me there are plenty of places inside and out that they could take themselves off to - and occasionally do. They have that option.
It's possible that op's MIL's dog is happy being left alone for 12 hours. Possible but very unlikely. My point was that people shouldn't claim their dogs are happy with such a situation when they really don't know. And even those people who use cameras - the fact that a dog's asleep all day doesn't mean they're happy.