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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No party invite and DD upset shall I text mum?

361 replies

helpMeWritethis · 14/05/2023 08:45

I’m a little upset and wondering if I should say something to this mum or just leave it as I usually do. I have never had any confrontations with any of the mums ever so it’s a new territory for me to even think about texting this mum!

my daughter is friends with another little girl they both in year 4. My daughter came home upset Friday saying all the girls in class have been invited to a party on Saturday and “Emma’s” mum will call me later to give details as Emma will ask mum if my daughter can come. She kept asking me every few minutes on Friday evening and Saturday morning if she’s called. It must so heartbreaking. I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited. She really thought “Emma” would invite her.

I’m thinking of texting the mum with a heads up that my DD might ask her tomorrow and maybe we can arrange a playdate something along those lines.

just for context my DD having birthday next month and I’m inviting the entire class.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpMeWritethis · 14/05/2023 08:52

*was so heartbreaking

OP posts:
Cakeandslippers · 14/05/2023 08:53

Oh I'm sorry this must be really upsetting. I think it's OK to text her this. I'd probably explain the conversation the girls had and make it clear that you understand that not everyone can be invited but given the conversation and misunderstanding, maybe a play date might be nice thing to do.

Pootles34 · 14/05/2023 08:54

I would text her and not mention the party at all. Just arrange a playdate.

hopeishere · 14/05/2023 08:55

So the party was yesterday? Was it definitely a party or was it a group play date?

It's so hard. I did actually end up once being the last minute invite kid (early teens though) and I cringe about it now.

KateyCuckoo · 14/05/2023 08:56

She wasn't invited, it sounds like there was a cap on numbers and Emma was going to push her luck with her mum which didn't work.

You should spend your energy helping dd get over the disappointment and build resilience instead of giving the mum the heads up that your dd is going to confront her about it! I'm pretty shocked that you would encourage that tbh. It doesn't sound like your dd has the social skills you think she has.

BlackYellowBlue · 14/05/2023 08:56

Do you know for certain the rest of the girls in the class have been invited? It seems pretty mean to exclude just one.

pecantoucan · 14/05/2023 08:57

Pootles34 · 14/05/2023 08:54

I would text her and not mention the party at all. Just arrange a playdate.

This. The mum is probably in an awkward situation re numbers right now.

Daisypain · 14/05/2023 08:57

I was initially thinking Nooooo don’t do that but having read your full comment it does seem odd that Emma is telling your DD she can come but no invite.

Are you sure Emma isn’t just talking about it and no paper invites have been given out as yet? It doesn’t sound very clear cut so I think I’d bide my time for now and lay a bit of groundwork with DD that Emma might not able to invite everyone but you could have her over to play one on one another time.

FrancesFlute · 14/05/2023 08:57

Really hard to see your kid so upset but I don't think texting the mum is the right thing at all.

Keep it breezy with your DD - it's so heartbreaking but I think important she doesn't see it bothers you. Hopefully they've had a busy weekend and she'll be invited this week. Do you see the mum at drop off or pick up? Maybe she is waiting to see you in person!

Cocopogo · 14/05/2023 08:57

Party invites are always awful at this age. Someone always gets left out but that’s the way it is. I remember being the kids that was left out and it’s fine

pecantoucan · 14/05/2023 08:58

Daisypain · 14/05/2023 08:57

I was initially thinking Nooooo don’t do that but having read your full comment it does seem odd that Emma is telling your DD she can come but no invite.

Are you sure Emma isn’t just talking about it and no paper invites have been given out as yet? It doesn’t sound very clear cut so I think I’d bide my time for now and lay a bit of groundwork with DD that Emma might not able to invite everyone but you could have her over to play one on one another time.

It's not odd. It sounds like Emma has decided to push her luck with the numbers.

Original poster
helpMeWritethis · 14/05/2023 08:58

@KateyCuckoo

instead of giving the mum the heads up that your dd is going to confront her about it!

when did I say my daughter would confront her? She’s obviously going to say something innoncently like she waited for the invite but didn’t come! I can’t ask her not to say anything. We’ve kept her busy all weekend and not reminded her but who knows if she will or will not remember come Monday morning. They’re 8 year olds! They don’t know the meaning of a confrontation!

OP posts:
Onetreelake · 14/05/2023 08:59

Unfortunately I think that's just the way it goes. My daughter (4) thinks she's great friends with a little girl but I realised from comments made in passing that said girl had had a 5th birthday party to which mine hadn't been invited. I imagine the little girl plays with loads of children in the class and doesn't consider mine a special friend. We're having a party in July and won't invite the whole class because there I would prefer space for cousins and non-school friends to come too. There are girls (and boys) we'll not be inviting just because they're not friends my child mentions as much. I'm afraid I'd find it awkward if someone texted me, although I guess I'd just invite them along anyway.

IfYouDontAsk · 14/05/2023 08:59

Pootles34 · 14/05/2023 08:54

I would text her and not mention the party at all. Just arrange a playdate.

Good idea. If you mention the party then the mum might feel pressured to invite your DD. I totally understand why your DD is feeling so upset (and that you feel heartbroken for her) but kids don’t always get invited to everything that they want to go to and I think as parents we just have to support them through the disappointment, hard though it is 😕

Changingplace · 14/05/2023 08:59

Was the party yesterday or next Sat?

Daisypain · 14/05/2023 08:59

pecantoucan · 14/05/2023 08:58

It's not odd. It sounds like Emma has decided to push her luck with the numbers.

Show quote history

Odd in that it wasn’t clear if any actual invites had been given out yet or if Emma is just telling everyone.

Namechangedagain20 · 14/05/2023 09:00

Did the others actually get invites? The girl may have been talking about a party she’s having but has sorted invites yet. They do seem to like the power of saying ‘you’re not invited to my party but you are’ at this age. And seems a bit odd for a parent to invite all but one girl in a class. At my DDs school it seems to be everyone, all girls or boys or just a few friends. It’s quite cruel to leave one girl out.

Original poster
helpMeWritethis · 14/05/2023 09:00

Sorry party was yesterday.

OP posts:
SoupedUpSue · 14/05/2023 09:01

”all the girls in the class” bar one isn’t a cap on numbers it’s bullying. This is actually not allowed at my kids’ school - it’s in the school rules.

yes text the mum a very bland message specifically asking. “Hi, hope you’re well. My daughter mentioned that XX told her she is having a party next weekend for all the girls in the class and that you’d be able to provide details. Just wanted to check date and time to make sure [my daughter] is free.”

if she says you’re daughter is not invited I would query with the teacher whether it actually was all the girls in the class and potentially escalate it. Utterly shitty behaviour.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 14/05/2023 09:01

helpMeWritethis · 14/05/2023 08:58

@KateyCuckoo

instead of giving the mum the heads up that your dd is going to confront her about it!

when did I say my daughter would confront her? She’s obviously going to say something innoncently like she waited for the invite but didn’t come! I can’t ask her not to say anything. We’ve kept her busy all weekend and not reminded her but who knows if she will or will not remember come Monday morning. They’re 8 year olds! They don’t know the meaning of a confrontation!

8 year olds are not innocent. Some of the 8 year olds I had to go to school with were vicious and nasty.

SoupedUpSue · 14/05/2023 09:02

Right that would have been helpful in the opening OP. You need to check with the teacher if it was all the girls bar your daughter. This isn’t ok.

PrinceHaz · 14/05/2023 09:02

To my mind the rule you should follow in this situation is:
If every girl in the class has been invited except your daughter, this is unkind and could be questioned. If she isn’t the only girl not to get an invite, there’s nothing that can be done. Just help her get over her disappointment.
Also, you mention you are socially awkward. Even if your daughter is more extrovert than you, she could still have difficulties with social interaction. You could ask her class teacher if they have spotted any issues.

KateyCuckoo · 14/05/2023 09:02

She’s obviously going to say something innoncently like she waited for the invite but didn’t come! I can’t ask her not to say anything

But @helpMeWritethis what sort of reply are you hoping to get from this? The truth which might be hurtful? I can't imagine it's going to charm the mother in to making sure she's top of the list next time.

tallcypowder · 14/05/2023 09:04

I nearly did something like this but it was my daughters best mate at the time.
I am glad I didn't though dd was very upset. I cringe thinking I nearly text the mum.
Dd has had several friends since as they all do, now age 16.
I see it at work too, I work in a school. It's sadly the way it is.

Original poster
helpMeWritethis · 14/05/2023 09:04

Thank you all. I think I’m definitely not going to text the mum! It will just escalate. I’ll text her for a playdate instead.

im going ahead with my daughters party next month and will be inviting the whole class. It’s really cruel to leave kids out.

OP posts:
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