No party invite and DD upset shall I text mum?

[helpMeWritethis]

I’m a little upset and wondering if I should say something to this mum or just leave it as I usually do. I have never had any confrontations with any of the mums ever so it’s a new territory for me to even think about texting this mum!

my daughter is friends with another little girl they both in year 4. My daughter came home upset Friday saying all the girls in class have been invited to a party on Saturday and “Emma’s” mum will call me later to give details as Emma will ask mum if my daughter can come. She kept asking me every few minutes on Friday evening and Saturday morning if she’s called. It must so heartbreaking. I’m socially awkward but my daughter is complete opposite and loves going to parties but never gets invited. She really thought “Emma” would invite her.

I’m thinking of texting the mum with a heads up that my DD might ask her tomorrow and maybe we can arrange a playdate something along those lines.

just for context my DD having birthday next month and I’m inviting the entire class.

”all the girls in the class” bar one isn’t a cap on numbers it’s bullying. This is actually not allowed at my kids’ school - it’s in the school rules.

Really! It’s in your kids school rules who can or can not be invited to an event that has nothing to do with them.

Fortunately, inviting the whole class to a child’s party is not a thing here in The Netherlands. DD’s parties always had a cap on numbers and there was no way I could afford or want to cater to the 27 kids in her class. She would celebrate her birthday with classmates in class but off school grounds, the discretion was all mine. Eight year olds are not always the most reliable of sources and I would gather information from an independent source.

How on earth do your school police who is and isn’t invited to another kids party? If a venue has a cap of say 15 kids and there are 16 children does the school get to make the decision that your kid isn’t allowed that kind of party?

if a family doesn’t follow the rule does their kid get expelled from the school?

guidance maybe but rule, no.

Sorry but many things are bullying but this isn’t one of them. You can’t call anything a bit disappointing bullying. It sounds like the girls get on fine at school. With a cost of living crisis at present there might have to be difficult choices. This might have been one of them. Sounds like it’s the mum that put the limit on anyway, and the child would have liked her there.

Your DD is 8 years old and in year 4, old enough to accept that the world doesn’t revolve around her.
I have never done a whole class party invite past Reception age.

i think you have set your daughter up to fail but giving her expectations that she is meant to be invited to everything.

It is not cruel to not be invited to a party at age 8.
Do you fuss when your child doesn’t win a race too? Expect a medal for participating too?

Youre setting your child up for a life time of disappointment I’m afraid.

And yes it is you’re fault.

if she says you’re daughter is not invited I would query with the teacher whether it actually was all the girls in the class and potentially escalate it.

There is no "escalating" a situation like this . People are entitled to invite whoever they please, even if there are some hurt feelings along the way.
Leaving one child out is a fairly unpleasant thing to do, but making an exhibition of yourself and your child by "confronting" and "escalating" (who to?! The teacher won't get involved) is really not the way to handle it.

I did this once. My dd was having a hard time, didn't seem to be gelling; I'd changed jobs and we'd moved house, everything was up in the air. She'd been told about a party and in frustration I asked the mum. The mum was sweet and invited her, but I know she wasn't originally invited.
I sometimes have a little cringe about it.
Just leave it OP. Let the dust settle and then arrange a play date.

Def don’t be the texter! I was in this position w DD a lot and it’s heartbreaking but dd was awkward, although lovely, and I could see why she wouldn’t be top of the invite list!
Leaving one girl out is cruel though, either invite all the girls or half 2/3rds etc.

I'd hate to be the Mum receiving a text saying, "my DS isn't invited" it'd give me massive anxiety wondering how to say, "yeah I know" without feeling mean.

I feel so bad for your DD though op.

@Mustardandchickensandwiches …I hope I was never ‘that Mum’ who intentionally excluded a couple of boys from my sons ‘cool parties’ !

Is it known for sure that Op's daughter was the only one not invited?

I think the birthday girl probably didn't want to hurt your DD's feelings by saying that she wasn't invited and said she would ask her mum.

I think you need to read between the lines a bit more OP and help your DD deal with normal, everyday disappointment, rather than being as confused as your DD.

You say in your post that your daughter loves parties but never gets invited. Is she struggling socially with her classmates? Does she go on playdates?

If all the girls bar your daughter were invited, that really is shit, but I wouldn't be texting the Mum asking for a playdate. Why would you want to put your daughter in that position with a girl who didn't want her at her party?!

You say your daughter never gets invited to parties, so are there extant/wider social/friendship issues for your daughter?

I'm socially awkward and that has definitely impacted on my daughters, so could that be an issue here?

This is actually not allowed at my kids’ school - it’s in the school rules.

And if the parents don't follow "the rule", the school will do what? The school have zero power over this.

im going ahead with my daughters party next month and will be inviting the whole class. It’s really cruel to leave kids out.

That’s really nice, OP. I hope it’s an oversight and dd gets an invite.

Good for you that you can afford to invite the whole class.

Not inviting the whole class isn't being cruel FFS!

’Really! It’s in your kids school rules who can or can not be invited to an event that has nothing to do with them.’

Most schools now have a rule that party invites can only be handed out in class and put in book bags if the whole class is invited. Otherwise parents have to deal with it in the playground or ways that don’t involve the school or the teacher. Teachers try and stay out of the toxic swamp of parties and play dates.

It’s really cruel to leave kids out

It really isn’t. Are you planning whole class parties forever?

At 8 I think your DD is old enough to understand that not everyone gets invited to everything, that there can be caps on numbers, and that it's rude to pester for an invitation.

IME kids that age come up with all sorts of random party ideas that they share with their friends and is often really obvious that it hasn't been run past their grown ups first!! My DD insisted someone was going to have a massive sleepover themed on a shared interest. Kind of inevitably it turned out to be a bowling party 😁 DD was a bit gutted, but the birthday clearly hadn't agreed it with her parents!!

In your shoes I'd pretty much say that to mine- that friend probably hadn't checked with mum before making the promise, and there's probably a cap on numbers, which is why she's not been invited. Unless it feels like it was malicious I'd be careful about tying that up with a message about the friendship- if a BFF did it, I'd probably gently suggest that she needs to widen her friendship circle, but if its someone within a wider circle anyway then I'd try to promote the "you win some you lose some" approach to invites.

I'd also make sure your DD knows it would be really rude to approach the other mum and ask why she didn't call, as that would put the other mum in a really awkward position when she hasn't done anything wrong.

Sounds like you potentially left out just one or two boys from the class if you invited 10.

Like pp, I am cringing for you.

Glad I’m not the only one cringing for @Mustardandchickensandwiches

The school can not enforce this rule. That's just ridiculous.
The school has zero say on what adults do and plan outside of school time with their own money.

Seriously what sanction can a school place on an adult over this?

They can stop invites being handed on during school but with most parents being on what's app or Facebook they've lost that control.

@Mustardandchickensandwiches you sound rather smug, which is unpalatable at the best of times, but around a child's party? Ugh.

I’ve read all the posts but just want to say to @helpMeWritethis oh stop! Your dd is 8 and needs to know that not everyone gets invited to everything. Our job as parents is to teach resilience in our kids not to expect the earth moon and stars on a plate.

let her ask her friend, it’s fine to ask but don’t you get involved.

Unfortunately, some parents leave dc out or sometimes dc do not want to invite certain dc. It is something you have to accept. Some parents decide who their dc should be friends with because they are friends with the parents. Sometimes invites get lost. My dc have come home with invites in their book bags, that I have not looked at until the party has passed or I manage to find just in time. I once sent an invite via email and the mum realised it went to junk mail. She only realised too late. Her dd had told her she was invited and she said no she was not (my dd told her she was invited). So the mum decided to ask me about it. I confirmed her dd was in fact invited. She checked her junk mail and realised it went there. Now, for party invites I just message directly via whatap. But also my dc always tell their friends they are invited. They are at an age where you do not invite the entire class. They pick and choose who they want to invite. Sometimes my dd will not want to invite certain friends to big group things because she thinks it will change the dynamics or the other girls do not get along with one of the girls. So for example is doing a movie night or something and invites 5 friends, she might decide she wants to invite a certain group, but not all her friends. She has different groups of friends. Her sports group. School friends, her best friends, outside school friends. She can not invite everyone to everything.

My DM had 4 children and managed it in the 70a and 80s. Maybe our house was too big too Or maybe we all just pulled in and we're happy with a few games, a bit of dancing, sandwiches and jelly and icecream.