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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help me - what to do x

101 replies

Accountingdilemma · 13/05/2023 23:40

just looking for some advice here. I really don’t know what to do and what I want to do might not be the best thing.

Im graduating with an accounting degree soon. Since beginning my degree, I’ve been really excited to have my dad and step mom at my ceremony to see me graduate.

My dad and step mom have been rocks in my life. They brought me up and are utterly amazing people, particular my step mom who has always gone above and beyond for me. She’s been in my life since I was a toddler and to be perfectly honest is my mom, not my step mom. She has been at every school event for me, supported me in my GCSES and A levels, held my hair back after drinking too much on my 18th! Ok, you get the idea, she’s been amazing.

My real mom has been awful. My childhood with her can be summed up by being taken along to wild parties, or being left alone in a house filled with piles of rotten rubbish, dog shit and and sanitary problems, her drinking and telling me how much she hated me and wished I wasn’t born, being called fat, ugly. She was just a horrible person at times and resented that my dad loved me. She tried everything possible to keep me away from him and he kept me away from her to keep me safe.

When I turned 16 I started having a relationship with her again, and realised that she washed such a bad person and that she did love me- she just couldn’t show me it. She had a lot of mental health issues too. I’m not excusing how she treated me, but I suppose I understand it slightly more now. We have a relationship now that I’m an adult, and I love her, but it’s a complicated relationship. I know she feels sad for how things were and she’s tried to make amends but my dad and step mom will always be my real family.

But for my graduation, my mom wanted to come. She is really excited about it and she seems to be genuinely looking forward to it. I think she wants to see that I turned out fine despite her mistakes. But I want my dad and step mom there. I can only bring two people and they are strict and there is no extra people allowed (I’ve checked). I could bring her and my dad but I want my step mom there. We’re best friends and after everything she’s done for me, I want her to be here. She’s an accountant too so it’s particularly special. And frankly my mom doesn’t deserve it after everything, but I know how much this means to her and it would devastate her not to come.

I was considering having neither my mom or step mom and having my dad and boyfriend (but he can’t get it off work anyway), but I want my step mom there, and don’t want to upset my birth mom either.

I just don’t know what to do, if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it x

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 13/05/2023 23:46

This is about you, not anyone else. If your Mother carries on when you give her the news, it's about time she was told home truths. This is the start of a new life. You've done amazingly well despite your Mother. If you told your SM, she'd probably offer her place up. But don't, have the people who helped you achieve what you are being awarded for. I regret not putting boundaries in place with my Mother, earlier. She doesn't get to take what you want away.

babytum · 13/05/2023 23:54

Bring your step mum. It’s not blood that makes family, it’s love, respect, consistency and dedication. It’s the people who got you to where you are because of them not in spite of them, who’ll celebrate with you and for you regardless of the event and not just for the big days.

I’m not a step mum so have no bias there.

I think recognize those that supported you through everything and invite your dad and stepmom. It would be a dreadful snub if you don’t and if your biological mother doesn’t recognize that she’s as selfish as ever.

thaisweetchill · 14/05/2023 00:03

Just think the people who should be there should be the people who helped you achieve this degree and by your post it's clear your step mom assisted in that. Not just talking uni I'm meaning school/a levels etc.

I hope you're at a place where you can sit your mom down and explain that unfortunately as there's 2 spaces you are unable to invite her as much as you would like to and expects she understands this, if she doesn't, it's clear she still has some work to do with her relationship with you.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 14/05/2023 00:06

Dad and step-mum all the way!!!

Glitterybee · 14/05/2023 00:08

OP your step mum deserves to go, she’s the one who’s been there for you.

Congratulations on your graduation!

Seasidemumma77 · 14/05/2023 00:19

Congratulations on your graduation. My only advice is to not worry about other people's feelings, but put yourself first and invite those who you truly want to share your day with.

Elgarelegie · 14/05/2023 00:22

Do you have any friends/classmatea who are only using one of their 2 allocated tickets? Might he a win-win as your dad and step mum could sit separately from your mum.

Mistystar99 · 14/05/2023 00:24

If your mum really does care about you, she will understand you want your stepmum there. If she doesn't, she is still the selfish person from the past. Ideally, your mum should already realise this and save you the pain from trying to juggle people's feelings. This is now the time for your mum to really show she cares about you, and make you feel OK about your stepmum going. Congrats BTW!

SeasonFinale · 14/05/2023 00:25

Some unis do a ballot for extra tickets closer to the event. Otherwise tell your mum the truth. That step mom gets this moment as she has been the one their to support your education.

Pandamumium · 14/05/2023 00:26

When my son graduated two years ago, we were allocated two tickets at first, but then could ask for extra if needed. You could ask if that is also the case at your university.

reallypuzzledoverthis · 14/05/2023 00:27

Most universities release unsold tickets to graduation a couple of weeks before the date, hopefully yours will too

Summerscoming23 · 14/05/2023 00:27

Bring stepmother and dad to ceremony but have birth mum meet for photos before / after?

Livinghappy · 14/05/2023 00:27

Many people have this situation so not unique..as you say only be 2 people in the hall but could be an area for other audiences? You fould also invite your mum to the pre or post photos and would you invite your mum for the post grad celebration?please

I think as long as your mum has a photo with you in your gown it will be fine. If she isn't OK with it then you know your decision was right.
Congratulation and well done

LifeExperience · 14/05/2023 00:32

Invite your dad and step mom. It is entirely your choice and your bio mom will have to get over it.

Original poster

Accountingdilemma · 14/05/2023 09:42

There isn’t going to be a ballot for extra tickets unfortunately. They’ve had to fit in an extra course on top of the ones already graduating so we have already been told we will not be able to get extra tickets.

I said to my bio mom about not coming for the ceremony but coming for a celebration afterwards (my dad and step mom obviously dislike her but would tolerate her for my sake) but she was absolutely furious about not coming to the ceremony as she’s my birth mom and said it’s all she’s been looking forward to and she would be heartbroken not to come and she was angry at the idea of my step mom coming instead of her. x

OP posts:

itsmylife7 · 14/05/2023 10:19

Don't let your mum emotionally blackmail you.
The chances are you wouldn't be celebrating any achievement if you'd stayed with her.

Your step mum deserves to be there with your dad.

Personally I'd think your relationship,with step mum , would suffer if you put your mum above your step mum, in this situation.

itsmylife7 · 14/05/2023 10:21

just seen your mum would be angry, she's got no right to feel angry. She needs to put her feelings aside and accept your step mum has earned her right to be at your graduation.

Greenqueen40 · 14/05/2023 10:23

Take your step mother, ignore the attempted manipulation from your birth mum, she doesn't deserve that ticket and I suspect she probably knows that deep down - hence the reaction, good luck

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/05/2023 10:24

She hasn’t been there for you but wants to be there for the “glory”. I’d be clear you can’t get a ticket for her, take your dad and step mum and feel no guilt whatsoever. Are they streaming the ceremony? You could give her the link and she can watch online.

Iknowthis1 · 14/05/2023 10:26

She wasn't there for the hard parts of your life. She doesn't get priority for the good parts. She's being selfish.

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/05/2023 10:26

she was angry at the idea of my step mom coming instead of her. x

Shes been happy enough with your step mum doing all the heavy lifting parenting wise, I’d let her be angry tbh.

Couldyounot · 14/05/2023 10:26

Your birth mum has forfeited the right to participate in this sort of thing by treating you as she did.

Congratulations on your degree!

2ndtimemum2 · 14/05/2023 10:39

Well done op what an achievement! Your bio mum has no right to guilt trip you into a ticket. By the sounds of it she was the cause of many lows in your life she doesn't get to jump onto your highs in life! She did not contribute to your success so let's the people who were there share in your achievement!

PlanningQuestions · 14/05/2023 10:42

We had an extra person for graduation and no option for extra tickets to the actual ceremony. However they came along anyway for photos outside and there was no ticket limit on the champagne reception afterwards.

On the day, someone else had a spare ticket, so they were able to see the ceremony after all, just from a different seat.

However, this worked because we were all amicable and no stress about getting in, they were prepared to just enjoy the parts they could.

It's an option for you but I would think twice before risking it as there might still be snidey remarks or pressure from your Mum. You want to be able to fully relax on the day and enjoy every moment. Remember you'll need times to be with your course-mates too - laughing, chatting, the cap-toss!

You don't want any of that affected by worries about your mum. This is your day, your celebration of the years that got you here. Celebrate with those who helped.

Maybe arrange a celebratory afternoon tea out in a lovely location for you and your Mum later in the summer - you're still getting to know each another again really.

CaffeinateMeNow · 14/05/2023 10:49

Your SM absolutely deserves to be there. By being angry your bio-mum has shown that this is all about her ego. Please don’t let her do this.

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