Please help me - what to do x

[Accountingdilemma]

just looking for some advice here. I really don’t know what to do and what I want to do might not be the best thing.

Im graduating with an accounting degree soon. Since beginning my degree, I’ve been really excited to have my dad and step mom at my ceremony to see me graduate.

My dad and step mom have been rocks in my life. They brought me up and are utterly amazing people, particular my step mom who has always gone above and beyond for me. She’s been in my life since I was a toddler and to be perfectly honest is my mom, not my step mom. She has been at every school event for me, supported me in my GCSES and A levels, held my hair back after drinking too much on my 18th! Ok, you get the idea, she’s been amazing.

My real mom has been awful. My childhood with her can be summed up by being taken along to wild parties, or being left alone in a house filled with piles of rotten rubbish, dog shit and and sanitary problems, her drinking and telling me how much she hated me and wished I wasn’t born, being called fat, ugly. She was just a horrible person at times and resented that my dad loved me. She tried everything possible to keep me away from him and he kept me away from her to keep me safe.

When I turned 16 I started having a relationship with her again, and realised that she washed such a bad person and that she did love me- she just couldn’t show me it. She had a lot of mental health issues too. I’m not excusing how she treated me, but I suppose I understand it slightly more now. We have a relationship now that I’m an adult, and I love her, but it’s a complicated relationship. I know she feels sad for how things were and she’s tried to make amends but my dad and step mom will always be my real family.

But for my graduation, my mom wanted to come. She is really excited about it and she seems to be genuinely looking forward to it. I think she wants to see that I turned out fine despite her mistakes. But I want my dad and step mom there. I can only bring two people and they are strict and there is no extra people allowed (I’ve checked). I could bring her and my dad but I want my step mom there. We’re best friends and after everything she’s done for me, I want her to be here. She’s an accountant too so it’s particularly special. And frankly my mom doesn’t deserve it after everything, but I know how much this means to her and it would devastate her not to come.

I was considering having neither my mom or step mom and having my dad and boyfriend (but he can’t get it off work anyway), but I want my step mom there, and don’t want to upset my birth mom either.

I just don’t know what to do, if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it x

She is being massively unreasonable and I don't think you should make your dad and step-mother put up with her afterwards either.

Sorry, it's nice she's back in your life but your SM has earned her place at your celebration

Your mum hasn’t changed.

It’s not your responsibility to make it up to your mum, it’s the other way round. It’s unlikely you would have ever made it to a graduation if you’d stayed with her. Your dad and step mum gave you the life you deserved, and while you probably feel a bit sorry for your mum, she never had your best interests at heart.

Your mum has to realise that her mistakes have consequences. Please take your step mum, she deserves it.

Best wishes OP 💐

When my children graduated there was a big screen up in another room for "overflow" guests. Is your university offering anything like that? I know it probably wouldn't keep your mother happy but she could see the moment and also be around for any do they throw afterwards.

It might also be worth pointing out to her that, actually, the graduation ceremony isn't that exciting for relatives. Yes, it's lovely seeing your child graduate, but that moment is over in around one minute - the rest is listening to speeches and watching while a couple of hundred (or more) strangers have their moment in the spotlight. And on a screen she'll probably get a better view of you than she would if she were in the auditorium.

Is your bio mum still drinking? If so, I would be wary of having her there, as she may well feel she has to have several glasses beforehand to get her through it, and they will probably be offering some sort of bubbly and/or wine afterwards.

You got to where you are now because of the love and support from your dad and step mum.

You are where you are now IN SPITE OF your bio mum.

And for that simple reason I would take your dad and step mum. They are the reason you got to graduation. You can forgive your mum for her neglect of you but that doesn't mean you should forget it all and she gets equal standing in the proud moments of your life which she did both8ng to help you achieve.

Your step mum helped you get where you are. If necessary I’d explain that to your mum. Without step mums influence and support you would be in a much different place and your mum has to accept that’s how it is or step out of your life and work on herself further.

I dread to think what she’ll be like if you get married. :/

I would ask your other student colleagues if they are using both tickets in their allocation and if someone is only using one ask if they mind if you use it to invite your mother. but if you have to choose - choose your step mum who chose to be your mum.

Your mother wants to take praise for your success that she has no right to. Take your step mum. If you birth mum gets upset, she will know what disappointment you have had to live with your whole life.

Your birth mother is being manipulative and it’s all about her not you. That alone would ensure no invite. This is your day, choose what truly makes you happy -not make a choice so a woman who neglected you doesn’t get angry at you. That’s not love.

Graduation organiser here. My advice is take your step mum and dad and ask your bio mum to watch the ceremony at home online. Most universities provide this service. I’ve seen so many graduates have an awful graduation day trying to please all their demanding guests whilst stressed to the max. I’ve had comfort graduates who just get so overwhelmed and just don’t want to be there due to the stress. Even if you could get an extra ticket or your bio mum could watch on campus from another venue I would definitely not recommend she’s there on the day.
The celebrations go on before and after the actual ceremony and if there’s ill feeling there it’s just going to stress you out and ruin the whole day for you and your dad and step mum.

To be honest, your bio mum’s reaction says it all. She hasn’t changed much, is still selfish, thinking of her own wants and needs first.

I had a similar scenario, raised by dad and step mum but did have contact with bio mum during some of my childhood and beyond. It would have been dad and step mom at my graduation but as it happens, my dad died during my course so both my mums attended.

Well she's shown you how much your opinion matters, hasn't she? I think she might not have changed as much as you'd hoped.

She's angry because getting angry is easier the looking in the mirror and seeing why step mum deserves a place over her.

Absolutely this. Her behaviour has consequences. Tell her she gets over it or doesn’t - her choice - but she isn’t going.

I've graduated twice. The first I wanted just my mum and uncle (who was a father-figure to me, my father had long-since died). I was told I HAD to invite sister and BIL. Sister, as expected, kicked off as it wasn't all about her and tantrummed twice. That's all I really remember, and I regret the family photo includes the pair of them as I never got another opportunity of a nice photo of the three of us.

The second time my mum was too ill to travel (and my uncle had died) but at least my dp and dc were there. Sister knew nothing about it.

What I'm saying is do what you want. It's your day, you deserve it. Don't do what I did and appease others or you'll regret it forever.

Thanks everyone for the help. Just to clarify- I would never want to hurt or upset my step mom although I understand that it might cause upset, she told me that she completely understands that I’m stuck in the middle and whilst she would love to be there she completely understood if I felt it was best to invite my real mom.

I think I was just worried about causing upset to my bio mom and I wasn’t sure if this was the kind of situation where I didn’t want her to come but should suck it up because it would mean a lot to her IYSWIM x

Anyone who truly loves you will suck up their disappointment at not being able to go, and will understand and wish you the best.

Take the stepmum.

Your response from your step mother is the response from a loving parent who sees their child hurting from trying to please everyone and so lovingly tries to ease that pain.

The response from your mother is the response from someone who is not able to put their own child's needs above their own and who is selfish and manipulative.

Your mother might seem a better parent now because at your age she doesn't actually have to put in any effort. She can just have you around, probably for her benefit rather than yours, but not have to actively do much. She likely wants to go to the graduation so she can bask in the glory that it was her who produced the person who achieved the degree.

Your step mother on the other hand was in the thick of it when you were a child. Loving and caring for a child who she had no biological tie with - but she made the choice to be the parent you deserved.

Let your birth mother huff and cry and show her true colours. But take your step mother who wants to be there because she is proud of you and loves you and wants to celebrate your achievements with you.

Your bio mum is being manipulative and unreasonable. You've offered her a compromise, she rejected it. Take dad and stepmum, they're your rocks.

AmyandPhilipfan · Today 00:52
Your response from your step mother is the response from a loving parent who sees their child hurting from trying to please everyone and so lovingly tries to ease that pain.

The response from your mother is the response from someone who is not able to put their own child's needs above their own and who is selfish and manipulative.

This. Also I think if you invite your mum to drinks before or after the ceremony, given her response - it will cause even more aggro and completely spoil the day.
Why invite someone who is only going to make things difficult by insisting on their "rights". This is your day and for the people who have really supported you.

You could offer to go out to lunch with her the day before or the day after.

I think I was just worried about causing upset to my bio mom and I wasn’t sure if this was the kind of situation where I didn’t want her to come but should suck it up because it would mean a lot to her

It's very thoughtful of you to consider your bio mom's feelings, but you do not have to "suck it up" and invite her because she's choosing to be upset. It's clear from your posts who you want at the ceremony. You earned this, it's a big day, invite the two people you most want to share it with.

Your bio mom is being manipulative here; don't fall into the trap of appeasing her simply to avoid confrontation. It's entirely up to her how she handles this, it's not your responsibility to make sure she doesn't get "upset".

sorry to be blunt, but it would mean a lot to your bio mum to bask in the reflected glory of an achievement she had absolutely fuck all to do with. She does not deserve to be there.

Thanks so much for all the amazing advice; I’ll bring my step mom ❤️ won’t be a pleasant conversation with my mom but I’ll get it over with.

A great decision.