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Original poster

Please help me - what to do x

101 replies

Accountingdilemma · 13/05/2023 23:40

just looking for some advice here. I really don’t know what to do and what I want to do might not be the best thing.

Im graduating with an accounting degree soon. Since beginning my degree, I’ve been really excited to have my dad and step mom at my ceremony to see me graduate.

My dad and step mom have been rocks in my life. They brought me up and are utterly amazing people, particular my step mom who has always gone above and beyond for me. She’s been in my life since I was a toddler and to be perfectly honest is my mom, not my step mom. She has been at every school event for me, supported me in my GCSES and A levels, held my hair back after drinking too much on my 18th! Ok, you get the idea, she’s been amazing.

My real mom has been awful. My childhood with her can be summed up by being taken along to wild parties, or being left alone in a house filled with piles of rotten rubbish, dog shit and and sanitary problems, her drinking and telling me how much she hated me and wished I wasn’t born, being called fat, ugly. She was just a horrible person at times and resented that my dad loved me. She tried everything possible to keep me away from him and he kept me away from her to keep me safe.

When I turned 16 I started having a relationship with her again, and realised that she washed such a bad person and that she did love me- she just couldn’t show me it. She had a lot of mental health issues too. I’m not excusing how she treated me, but I suppose I understand it slightly more now. We have a relationship now that I’m an adult, and I love her, but it’s a complicated relationship. I know she feels sad for how things were and she’s tried to make amends but my dad and step mom will always be my real family.

But for my graduation, my mom wanted to come. She is really excited about it and she seems to be genuinely looking forward to it. I think she wants to see that I turned out fine despite her mistakes. But I want my dad and step mom there. I can only bring two people and they are strict and there is no extra people allowed (I’ve checked). I could bring her and my dad but I want my step mom there. We’re best friends and after everything she’s done for me, I want her to be here. She’s an accountant too so it’s particularly special. And frankly my mom doesn’t deserve it after everything, but I know how much this means to her and it would devastate her not to come.

I was considering having neither my mom or step mom and having my dad and boyfriend (but he can’t get it off work anyway), but I want my step mom there, and don’t want to upset my birth mom either.

I just don’t know what to do, if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it x

OP posts:
Plottingspringescape · 15/05/2023 13:33

That looks like a good decision. It sounds like you will need some good boundaries in place in relation to your Mum, so this is probably a good place to start. It says it all that your step mum would willingly give up her place, while your mum is concerned only with what she wants.

Bathroomlove · 15/05/2023 13:46

Accountingdilemma · 15/05/2023 11:31

Thanks so much for all the amazing advice; I’ll bring my step mom ❤️ won’t be a pleasant conversation with my mom but I’ll get it over with.

Good decision!

She doesn't want to celebrate YOUR achievement, she wants to bask in the glory.

it's STILL all about her & sad to say, I expect it will always be. You need to keep that in mind & make all decisions with that in mind or you'll screw up other relationships & life plans only to be let down by her again.

obviously you want her to be a better person than she is, you want her to see how shit she was & make up for it, the little girl in you wants to forgive her & have the Mum you deserve. Reconciling that with reality is hard.

Remember who loved you because she wanted to, who was your parent because she wanted to be. Don't let your mother make you ruin your relationship with your Dad & SM.

bailarbailar · 15/05/2023 13:49

I was in the same position. In the end I only used one ticket and took just my dad. Always regretted not bringing my SM though. So now I'm graduating again (second degree) and taking dad and SM this time

bailarbailar · 15/05/2023 13:50

Also the reason behind my decision was emotional blackmail from birth mum. Just seen updated the same is happening to you. If I had my time again (and luckily I will be!) i'd defo hold firm and sick with dad and SM

Pleasegodgotosleep · 15/05/2023 14:17

Sounds like if it wasn't for your Step-Mum you might not be in this fortunate position so she should come first.

Not saying that you wouldn't have worked hard and gotten here yourself, but rather that she supported you to do so.

Congratulations!

Original poster
Accountingdilemma · 19/06/2023 22:13

Hi everyone, just wanted to update. My mom has decided she is no longer attending any of the celebrations and is clearly furious with me. Not even the lunch/dinner or any of it. I’m disappointed but not surprised unfortunately

OP posts:
Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 19/06/2023 23:53

You made the best decision. And Congratulations to you

CuteCillian · 19/06/2023 23:55

I hope you have a wonderful graduation ceremony. Congratulations.

ZekeZeke · 20/06/2023 00:16

Accountingdilemma · 19/06/2023 22:13

Hi everyone, just wanted to update. My mom has decided she is no longer attending any of the celebrations and is clearly furious with me. Not even the lunch/dinner or any of it. I’m disappointed but not surprised unfortunately

She is a narcissist and making it all about her.
Let her sulk.
Have an amazing day with the people who have loved and supported you.
And congratulations!

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 20/06/2023 00:59

Good decision- celebrate with those who celebrate you

RobertsRadio · 20/06/2023 01:17

Accountingdilemma · 19/06/2023 22:13

Hi everyone, just wanted to update. My mom has decided she is no longer attending any of the celebrations and is clearly furious with me. Not even the lunch/dinner or any of it. I’m disappointed but not surprised unfortunately

I'm sorry that your biological Mum has taken this stance and is disappointing you, yet again. I can't help but compare her behaviour with your stepmom who told you that although she would love to see you graduate, she would understand if you wanted your bio Mom there instead of her. That is a real Mother's love, putting her child's feelings and desires before her own, pure unselfishness. Enjoy your day and congratulations on your achievement.

newfriend05 · 20/06/2023 01:44

I wish I'd never took my mum to my graduation she spoiled the whole day .. as narcissistic as they come

FictionalCharacter · 20/06/2023 01:47

Bring your dad and stepmum. It's your day, not your mother's.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 24/06/2023 21:38

I hope you have a lovely day @Accountingdilemma and well done!

Original poster
Accountingdilemma · 27/06/2023 13:41

Thanks everyone 😊 I know I’m making the right decision. I would only ever be bringing my mom because I felt sorry for her, not because I really wanted her there. I’ve been called all the names under the sun and she absolutely despises me now and said she is so devastated that she will not be attending anything and wants nothing more to do with me, ever again. I know she didn’t want to come really, she just didn’t want my step mom to come!

OP posts:
Original poster
Accountingdilemma · 27/06/2023 13:42

*Meanwhile my step mom is absolutely over the moon and cannot wait to come! She was completely understanding that I might feel it was better for my mom to come instead, but she is so excited for it now!

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 27/06/2023 13:47

Ah sorry, OP, but at least you will now have someone who loves and supports you there for your special day. Well done for standing up for yourself! Enjoy your day Flowers

honeynutcornfllakes · 27/06/2023 13:50

Your mum made poor choices and didn't put you first as a vulnerable child.
So she shouldn't expect you to put her first now.

Take your step mum and feel absolutely no guilt. If your mum has truly changed then she will understand and not cause any awkwardness over it.

Perhaps suggest a celebratory meal afterwards that you could all have together?

honeynutcornfllakes · 27/06/2023 13:51

Sorry just read the update I was replying to the first post!

londonrach · 27/06/2023 13:55

Your dad and stepmum. Your stepmum deserves this. Don't ever consider asking your mum.

RobertsRadio · 27/06/2023 13:55

Accountingdilemma · 27/06/2023 13:42

*Meanwhile my step mom is absolutely over the moon and cannot wait to come! She was completely understanding that I might feel it was better for my mom to come instead, but she is so excited for it now!

Your stepmom sounds like a wonderful and loving person to have in your life. Enjoy your day with your loved ones at your side.

Caroparo52 · 27/06/2023 14:05

You get back what you put in in life.
Follow your heart op. You already know what you want to do bring df and dsm.
Your birth mother is showing just why she doesn't deserve to be there by emotionally blackmailing you. She hasn't earnt her place at your finest hour.
be tough and said no.
The End.

also by setting your boundaries now you are respecting yourself.
Anyone who loves and respects you will follow those boundaries.

Future proof yourself for any more shitty actions.

Congrats by the way.
You sound a lovely person and your dsm deserves your love .

Clarinet1 · 27/06/2023 14:10

Accountingdilemma · 27/06/2023 13:42

*Meanwhile my step mom is absolutely over the moon and cannot wait to come! She was completely understanding that I might feel it was better for my mom to come instead, but she is so excited for it now!

Her attitude is exactly why you’re right to take her!

krustykittens · 27/06/2023 14:34

I hope you have a wonderful day, OP. I am upset for you for the way your mother has reacted - if she had grown or matured at all, she would realise that after the appalling childhood she gave you, she was lucky to have any relationship with you at all. It must be a dissapointment, but I am so glad you have such wonderful people in your life to make up for your mother.

towriteyoumustlive · 28/06/2023 20:17

Accountingdilemma · 27/06/2023 13:41

Thanks everyone 😊 I know I’m making the right decision. I would only ever be bringing my mom because I felt sorry for her, not because I really wanted her there. I’ve been called all the names under the sun and she absolutely despises me now and said she is so devastated that she will not be attending anything and wants nothing more to do with me, ever again. I know she didn’t want to come really, she just didn’t want my step mom to come!

Sorry to hear you got such an awful reaction from your bio-mum. I guess her reaction says it all to be honest - she just wanted bragging rights.

If she had even an ounce of humility she would accept that your step mum going is absolutely the right decision, but throwing all her toys out the pram and refusing to have anything to do with you just because she couldn't have a graduation ticket is beyond crazy and irrational.