Please help me - what to do x

[Accountingdilemma]

just looking for some advice here. I really don’t know what to do and what I want to do might not be the best thing.

Im graduating with an accounting degree soon. Since beginning my degree, I’ve been really excited to have my dad and step mom at my ceremony to see me graduate.

My dad and step mom have been rocks in my life. They brought me up and are utterly amazing people, particular my step mom who has always gone above and beyond for me. She’s been in my life since I was a toddler and to be perfectly honest is my mom, not my step mom. She has been at every school event for me, supported me in my GCSES and A levels, held my hair back after drinking too much on my 18th! Ok, you get the idea, she’s been amazing.

My real mom has been awful. My childhood with her can be summed up by being taken along to wild parties, or being left alone in a house filled with piles of rotten rubbish, dog shit and and sanitary problems, her drinking and telling me how much she hated me and wished I wasn’t born, being called fat, ugly. She was just a horrible person at times and resented that my dad loved me. She tried everything possible to keep me away from him and he kept me away from her to keep me safe.

When I turned 16 I started having a relationship with her again, and realised that she washed such a bad person and that she did love me- she just couldn’t show me it. She had a lot of mental health issues too. I’m not excusing how she treated me, but I suppose I understand it slightly more now. We have a relationship now that I’m an adult, and I love her, but it’s a complicated relationship. I know she feels sad for how things were and she’s tried to make amends but my dad and step mom will always be my real family.

But for my graduation, my mom wanted to come. She is really excited about it and she seems to be genuinely looking forward to it. I think she wants to see that I turned out fine despite her mistakes. But I want my dad and step mom there. I can only bring two people and they are strict and there is no extra people allowed (I’ve checked). I could bring her and my dad but I want my step mom there. We’re best friends and after everything she’s done for me, I want her to be here. She’s an accountant too so it’s particularly special. And frankly my mom doesn’t deserve it after everything, but I know how much this means to her and it would devastate her not to come.

I was considering having neither my mom or step mom and having my dad and boyfriend (but he can’t get it off work anyway), but I want my step mom there, and don’t want to upset my birth mom either.

I just don’t know what to do, if anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it x

She’s “absolutely furious” because it’s “all she’s looking forward to”?! Well that sentence alone tells you everything you need to know about how much she’s genuinely evolved as a mother and a human being. It’s still all about her and she’s prepared to put pressure and stress on you at this happy, important time in your life just to get what she wants.

As a neglected and abused child, it’s you who gets to dictate the terms of your relationship with her as an adult. Just tell her no and detach from her drama. Share your special day with the people who’ve always been there for you and who have loved and raised you. Congratulations, btw!

I think this tells you all you need to know. She could have been understanding, said she was disappointed but would take you to X to celebrate after, but instead it was all about her and trying to emotionally blackmail you into inviting her. She thinks she deserves special treatment because she's your biological mother, not because she's done anything to deserve it, and because she thinks she should hold some sort of power over you. Invite the people who have helped you get to where you are.

Why should your much loved step mother be left out on the whim of your dreadful birth mother? I'm struggling to understand why you would even consider it. You should think of your stepmother's pain at being left out after she has been so committed to you.
Your birth mother would have destroyed you had you been left in her care. Explain to her about the two ticket situation and leave it at that.

Take your step mum and tell your mum that if an extra ticket comes up you will get it for her, but it's not guaranteed. I'm going to my son's graduation this summer and they have a room next door for video screening if you don't have a ticket, would your uni have that? But spare tickets do come up.

I agree with this. Her reaction shows she is still putting her wants and needs above yours yet again. I’d make it clear your SM is coming to the ceremony and she’s welcome to join after for a celebration then don’t discuss it with her again. And congratulations on your graduation!

Listen, your mum doesn't get to dictate who goes to your graduation. She hasn't earned the right to demand anything from you. If she's willing to fall out with you over this, then that tells you the type of person she is and it's best you find that out now.

You're a thousand times a better erson than your bio mum.

She wasn't there for 16 years and even now she's too selfish to recognise that she has no right to demand anything or to emotionally manipulate you. Once again, she's making a situation all abut her and her needs rather than putting you first. She never did, she's not going to start now. If she had learnt anything or matured over the years, she would behave better now.

Congrats on your graduation, bring your dad and step mum. Don't let your bio mum detract from your day in any way.

Let her be angry. She is emotionally manipulating you. She wants to come and enjoy the fruits of someone else's labour so to speak. Your Dad and Step Mum raised you, she was not there. If that makes her feel bad, tough. She will just have to live with it. It is not your place to make her feel better about her shit parenting. You sound lovely and kind but you do not have to do this because she gets angry. I bet if you told your step Mum she couldn't come she would be disappointed but wouldn't get angry with you....that should tell you everything about who loves you unconditionally and who deserves to be there.

She’s making it about her.
Tells you everything Op.
Step-Mum and Dad for me too.

Step mum - no question. She'll appreciate knowing how much you valued what she did for you. If you invite your mum it's like throwing it all back in step mum's face and saying "You can never be my mum!".

Your mum had her demons but she made her choice. And it wasn't you. She is so, so lucky to know that you now want a relationship with her, despite everything, and to know that you turned out well. But that is only thanks to what your dad and step mum did for you.

If your Mum does not concede that she should be grateful to the woman who raised you and that it is that woman's right to be there then she is once again making it all about her and what she wants and not what's best for you, (or your dad to be fair.)

Team stepmum and dad!

I said to my bio mom about not coming for the ceremony but coming for a celebration afterwards (my dad and step mom obviously dislike her but would tolerate her for my sake) but she was absolutely furious about not coming to the ceremony as she’s my birth mom and said it’s all she’s been looking forward to and she would be heartbroken not to come and she was angry at the idea of my step mom coming instead of her

And here is your mum showing her true colours. If she really had changed she'd be happy for you to choose whichever guests you wanted.

Your step mum sounds absolutely amazing and 100% deserves to be there with you and your dad. If you don't invite your step mum I'm sure she'll be gracious and won't complain but inside I think you'll hurt her very much.

Please invite dad and step mum.

Bring your step mum.

Your mum hasn't changed her spots, what with her being angry and trying to emotionally blackmail mail you. She doesn't sound like a good person.

Team step mum here too. Bio mum hasn't changed that much and Id keep her at arms length from now on, she will only bring you grief (as she is now). Think of it this way, if you'd been left with her, struggling in that abusive home, could you have achieved what you have? It would have been a lot harder thats for sure. Don't even let her cast her shadow on the day, this is about you and your achievements, and the people who actually supported you should be there to see that.

Emotional blackmail at it's best here.
Take your step Mom.

Take your step mom (and dad)

If your mother complains, you say " You're disappointed but you shouldnt be surprised. "

I choose to take Jane who has never let me down . She has always been there for me. You never have been there for me, and you've disappointed me far worse than this".

Sadly, her response to you sums it up op - she’s a selfish person and hasn’t changed. I think you need to be strong here, and take your dad and SM - they are who you want to get there, and who helped you get where you are.

Your bio mum wants bragging rights and the chance to show a picture around to seem as if she has been a decent parent. Dont fall for it. If she truly cares for you, she should understand and be able to put her feelings to one side. If she does not do that, you have more evidence of what she is really like. I have been thinking about your step mum and how it would feel if she was not able to go. Go with what you know is right. I am so sorry your bio mum is doing this to you.

Your Dad and Step-Mum. I’m afraid you might need to be wary your birth-Mum isn’t hoping to emotionally control you again.
Let her be furious, if she is serious about wanting to make amends for your childhood she will accept your invitation for a social event linked to the graduation with good grace and be delighted for you. Ignore her thoughts that the ceremony is so she can see what you have accomplished in spite of her treatment, that is already evident.
Congratulations on your achievements

PS - how lovely to hear about a wonderful step mother for a change!

Your last post tells you everything you need to know. It’s like the wisdom of Solomon from the Bible, and your mum is then one that would rather cut the baby in half. In other words she is only thinking of herself and her ‘win’ over someone who has shown she cares.

I know it’s difficult but please don’t let your mum’s attitude spoil your day, I think you can still have the formal photographs together (which to be honest is more fun and meaningful than the actual graduation, which is over in a millisecond).

congratulations!

Her reaction says it all really.

Any decent person would realise that the two people that SHOULD be there are your dad and step mum.

Your bio mum did NOT raise you and does not deserve a seat in that ceremony, and she should understand that, not have a tantrum about it. If she continues to sulk about it I wouldn't even bother inviting her to a party. She has no right to demand one of the tickets and I'm amazed she has the audacity to expect one.

Bring your dad and step mum

But - see if you can find anyone of your friends or classmates thats not bringing anyone, or just bringing one person. And see if you can use their ticket allocation? My boyf at uni didn't bring either parent or anyone else (his was embarrassed of his degree grade! But that's another story!) and gave his allocated tickets to a friend. There will be someone who doesn't mind adding your mum to their ticket allocation. You just have to find them! :)

(You could also try speaking confidentially, face to face, to student support services, they might make an exception)

Ps. I know people are being pretty judgy about your mum. I agree you shouldn't have to take her just because she's angry, and really she shouldn't make it about her. But, she sounds v vulnerable and is clearly impacted by years of trauma and mental health probs and I'm sure this would mean the world to her. Prioritise yourself, your dad and your step mum. But do try and get a ticket however you can, for your mum, and do let her know how much you want her there.

I am close to stepmother like the one you describe. I have 3 children of my own but I’m in awe of her parenting. The emotional investment and self sacrifice to successfully and lovingly raise someone else’s child is superhuman imo. Your step-mother has been a huge part in where you are today - she deserves this quiet gesture of acknowledgment for that. Your mother does not.