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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not paying for extra curricular activities when DD is 18?

84 replies

tyrhes · 13/05/2023 20:56

Hi DD is 18 and has done swimming since she was a toddler and I have obviously always paid for swimming related things and still do, such as her membership, etc. I have no problem paying for this until she finishes sixth form and starts doing whatever it is she decides to do after her education. We are not a high income family and if she goes to uni, she will be entitled to the maximum loan. We will obviously try to help where we can but it really couldn't be any more than what we currently spend on her, etc, so swimming could potentially still be included if she doesn't need that money elsewhere, etc. if she even still wants to.

She has recently wanted to start a martial art though (while we are at it, any best ideas for which one for her as she isn't sure?) but I personally think any new thing she wants to do now really isnt my responsibility? Obviously I don't mean that in a horrible way but even when she was younger and we were tight for money that month, it felt my duty to still ensure she could do extra curricular activities and never really miss out of things her peers did, that kind of stuff doesn't really feel my responsibility now she is 18 but truthfully, morally, should it be? Especially while she is still in sixth form? Thing is, she will obviously be leaving sixth form very soon and as it's a new activity, I feel it also falls out that bracket.

She doesn't have a job and obviously again to clarify, that's not a problem with me, she is in school but if it comes to her wanting things now, I do think she should start thinking about potentially funding them herself.

Is this completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 13/05/2023 20:57

Given you're likely to need to give her money for uni soon I think it's fine to say you can't afford her to start another hobby.

Sissynova · 13/05/2023 20:58

She doesn't have a job and obviously again to clarify, that's not a problem with me, she is in school but if it comes to her wanting things now, I do think she should start thinking about potentially funding them herself.

Does she get an allowance?

Dacadactyl · 13/05/2023 20:59

No YANBU. I wouldn't be paying for her to take on a new hobby at her age. She needs to pay for it herself.

TumbleFloat · 13/05/2023 21:49

If she is year 13 is she going away to university or living at home? If she is living at home the maximum maintenance loan is £8,400 if she is living away from home and having to pay accommodation costs she will be entitled to £9,978 outside of London. Either way she needs to learn to live within that budget. You are expected to support them financially if they don't receive the full loan. Unless she is living somewhere incredibly expensive then the loan money should be enough.

Any new hobby should be funded by her. She can get a summer job to pay for it if she wants to do it. My sons both did Wado Ryu karate and got to black belt then covid lockdown happened, Ds1 went to uni so they stopped. Check out different classes in terms of how disciplined it is. Mine started in a class that wasn't very precise with kata movements, it felt a bit sloppy. They moved to another venue where it was much more precise, ie hand here, foot facing in this direction. When they do it as a group it looked military-esque. Very lovely class with husband and wife instructors.

There are videos on YouTube of instructors for the different martial arts, she could look at some of those to see what appeals to her, plus that bit is free.

orangegato · 13/05/2023 21:51

Maximum load should cover it. It can’t cost that much? I got nowhere near maximum and made it work.

Harkonen · 13/05/2023 21:51

I'd be delighted if my 18 year old dd wanted to take up such a healthy hobby and wouldn't think twice about paying for it 🤷‍♀️

HamBone · 13/05/2023 22:00

Harkonen · 13/05/2023 21:51

I'd be delighted if my 18 year old dd wanted to take up such a healthy hobby and wouldn't think twice about paying for it 🤷‍♀️

if you were on a limited income, though, @Harkonen, you might not be able to pay for it. Plus, there’s nothing wrong with her DD getting a summer job and learning to save/pay for a few things herself. My DD (18) got her first part-time job last year and has still been doing really well at school.

Harkonen · 13/05/2023 22:07

HamBone · 13/05/2023 22:00

if you were on a limited income, though, @Harkonen, you might not be able to pay for it. Plus, there’s nothing wrong with her DD getting a summer job and learning to save/pay for a few things herself. My DD (18) got her first part-time job last year and has still been doing really well at school.

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Well if the OP really can't afford it then she can't afford it and that's it.

SMabbutt · 13/05/2023 22:08

I have a dd similar age - will be 18 in July. We've said we'll fully pay her activity and phone until the end of August but after that she has to largely self fund.
She isn't going to uni this year as she isn't 100% sure what path she wants to take so she won't be leaving home. She willl need to work once she leaves education and I don't see why she shouldn't be taking on m9st of the responsibility for her outgoings once she's an adult.

Given her activity may become her career path we will probably pay towards the cost for 12 months while she makes her mind up on what she wants to do. We won't pay it all though.

After that it will be up to her to either take formal qualifications to turn her activity in to a career, or go to uni, which we will try to support financially. If neither of these paths happen she will have to fully pay her own way regarding activities.

anunlikelyseahorse · 13/05/2023 22:09

In terms of martial art, most clubs round here offer a free 'taster' session, maybe she could try a couple and decide which one is best for her.
If she goes to uni, it's very possible there'll be the opportunity to sign up at freshers fair, which will be a minimal cost. I think if money is tight she'll just have to wait till she's done her exams, and then look at getting some part time work to fund it herself.

LookOutBandits · 13/05/2023 22:12

Harkonen · 13/05/2023 21:51

I'd be delighted if my 18 year old dd wanted to take up such a healthy hobby and wouldn't think twice about paying for it 🤷‍♀️

What if it was expensive like skiing or horse riding or she needed a grand piano and it was stretching your family finances?

Dixiechickonhols · 13/05/2023 22:17

Is a compromise she gets her lifeguard qualification after her A levels and works and part funds plus saves for uni. Lifeguard is in demand and can pay really well.
Mine’s yr12 doing A levels. We do fund lots but do expect her to work a few hours a week too. Fwiw all her peers work and we are in a pretty affluent area and they are at an academic grammar.

ScatsThat · 13/05/2023 22:36

I would say that she doesn't need to take up a new hobby so close to exam time. Once exams are done and she can get a summer job then she can choose to spend it on a new hobby or save it for uni. Not your responsibility and yanbu.

ArcticSkewer · 13/05/2023 22:38

uni is a great place to start new sports ... and at subsidised rates

autienotnaughtym · 13/05/2023 22:56

When my dd turned 18/finished 6th form. They paid for own fon/gym etc. I gave them £200 a month towards living expenses as d they could spend that on what they chose.

conxray · 13/05/2023 22:56

Harkonen · 13/05/2023 21:51

I'd be delighted if my 18 year old dd wanted to take up such a healthy hobby and wouldn't think twice about paying for it 🤷‍♀️

Obviously got plenty of money then if you wouldn't think twice about paying for it.
If money were tight for you then you'd have to think about whether you could afford to pay for it or not.

conxray · 13/05/2023 22:59

I think it's fair enough to say you will pay for the swimming until the end of sixth form. If she wants to start a new activity when she gets to uni she can use her student loan to pay for it and for swimming if she wishes to continue with that.

Mitchumforthewin · 13/05/2023 23:00

Can she get a job? My year 11 daughter works one day a week in a cafe and earns quite a lot from that - that way she can pay for things herself

IfIGoThereWillBeTrouble · 13/05/2023 23:01

Dixiechickonhols · 13/05/2023 22:17

Is a compromise she gets her lifeguard qualification after her A levels and works and part funds plus saves for uni. Lifeguard is in demand and can pay really well.
Mine’s yr12 doing A levels. We do fund lots but do expect her to work a few hours a week too. Fwiw all her peers work and we are in a pretty affluent area and they are at an academic grammar.

Lifeguards are always in demand, but where I live it’s NMW. However, swimming teachers are in just as much demand and pays an awful lot more.

Clementinesucks · 13/05/2023 23:10

Yes I think adult children should pay for their own hobbies, clothes, phones etc. They can work hard on uni holidays etc. to save up the money.

It simply didn’t occur to me as an 18 year old full time uni student (also working 20 hours a week at the local takeaway) that my parents should pay for any of that.

Money was tight for them. They were generous for birthdays and Christmas and I was appreciative!

Harkonen · 14/05/2023 08:50

conxray · 13/05/2023 22:56

Obviously got plenty of money then if you wouldn't think twice about paying for it.
If money were tight for you then you'd have to think about whether you could afford to pay for it or not.

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I've got enough money to pay for a hobby for my kids, yes, even though mumsnet assume it's every woman for herself once kids hit 18.

Dd2 is at uni and I've paid her sports club fees for the past two years. I have strong feelings about girls, sport and the links with good mental health though, it's important to me and I scrimp in other ways to pay for it. Obviously if you can't afford it you can't afford it.

Harkonen · 14/05/2023 08:52

LookOutBandits · 13/05/2023 22:12

What if it was expensive like skiing or horse riding or she needed a grand piano and it was stretching your family finances?

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Then I wouldn't pay for it.

Its martial arts, not polo 🤷‍♀️

LookOutBandits · 14/05/2023 08:55

I've got enough money to pay for a hobby for my kids, yes, even though mumsnet assume it's every woman for herself once kids hit 18.

So it sounds like you are in a completely different situation from the OP then.

doubleoseven · 14/05/2023 09:02

I think all teen girls should learn a martial art. Krav manga is meant to be particularly good for self defence. I have a colleague who does kickboxing, she is tiny but more than capable of taking care of herself!
So even though I think 18 year olds are adults and should pay their own way, for this I would pay for the first 6 months then she can get a job in the summer and start paying herself.

Harkonen · 14/05/2023 09:03

LookOutBandits · 14/05/2023 08:55

I've got enough money to pay for a hobby for my kids, yes, even though mumsnet assume it's every woman for herself once kids hit 18.

So it sounds like you are in a completely different situation from the OP then.

Probably, yes. Although the OP asked if it was the moral thing to do and that should it be her dds responsibility rather than hers. And my answer is if you can afford it, yes and if you can't, then no 🤷‍♀️