'I like my dad more than I like you'

[TableTime99]

My son (5) hadn't seen his dad for nearly 5 years (since he was a newborn) due to domestic abuse and safeguarding issues. The courts finally decided to grant access at a contact centre. He's seen his dad once last weekend for 1.5 hours, and all week every time I've asked him to do something such as tidy his room, wash his hands etc it has been 'I like daddy more than you' and 'I want to live with my daddy'.

I have a very loving and gentle relationship with my son and he doesn't particularly have any behavioural issues, but since contact he's been completely obsessed with his dad and massively defiant towards me.

I feel completely heartbroken but am trying not to let it show and am dealing with it appropriately, and need to remind myself that he is 5, not 15.

The contact centre provided me with a glowing written report and I suspect will move towards unsupervised contact. I am so, so concerned that my son is going to completely idolise his dad, who was physically abusive towards us both (my son doesn't remember).

I don't know how to cope with this and am suddenly feeling extremely insecure in mine and my son's relationship.

Can anyone help me unpick this?

I am posting as I was the child and then the parent in this situation. Although my Dad was violent and has stayed in my life.

When my dad came back into my life I was so happy to finally have a dad. I didn’t realise the feelings then, but now as an adult I can articulate them. I felt that if I loved him enough he would stay and I wouldn’t lose him again. As a child I believed that if I adored him, he couldn’t leave. If I made him the most important person to me he couldn’t. Lucky for me, he didn’t want to take me away from my mum and saw what I was doing and helped me through it.

When I left exh my daughter was 12 he convinced her I cheated and broke up the family. She decided as I didn’t care about her she would cling to her Dad and refused to see me. It was soul destroying. I have her space, occasionally messaged to tell her I loved her and was here for her. Got her birthday gifts. One year he brought her to pick up her gifts and she opened the car door to talk to me but wouldn’t get out told me ‘I don’t feel comfortable’. I just said ok, gave her the gifts told I loved her and watched her drive away smiling at her. Then as soon as the car was out of sight I broke. I was so bad I ended going long term sick and ended up in hospital with raging headaches. Which was put down to stress. It was the worst time in my life. I appeared to be holding it together when ds was with me. But when he went to his dads I couldn’t function. Terrified exh would do the same with Ds. I was eventually diagnosed with ptsd, from the abuse exh committed against me. But managed to fight my way back to a normal life.

Eventually, she saw him for what he was. He used her for free childcare for Ds while he went on dates. Brought him new woman after new woman telling her they were her new mum. He left her alone all the time. Eventually, she got in touch and we met for coffee when she was 14. She is now 19 and university, we are unbelievably close. I am who she comes to when she needs something. I am who she shares her victories and disappointment with. Who she texts everyday or sends funny TikTok’s to. She is wonderful and our relationship couldn’t be better.

I have never spoke badly of her exh, let her vent about him and never put her in the middle. Just shown her, again and again that I will support and love her whatever happens. And it worked

She barely speaks to her Dad, she saw who he was. He did try it with DS and it didn’t work and Ds barely sees him now either. He is a teen so it’s his choice.

I hope that explains how it feels to be the child and how I dealt with it as a parent and that it helps.

This is all a good few years ago and we are all doing really well.

@Effieswig that's such a helpful post. You have hit the nail on the head in how twin 1 absolutely behaves this way as he is so grateful his dad actually has turned up and if he 'adores' him when he sees his dad he will keep coming back. He copies his dads interests, tries to emulate him in lots of ways and ensure he is on dads radar. Twin 2 is autistic. Dad doesn't believe he is so hasn't engaged with any services during the assessment and diagnosis despite being invited to and will not read his diagnostic report. So he doesn't adapt for him and t2 comes back totally exhausted from masking and completely disregulated. But his autism protects him when dad doesn't turn up as he's very linear and practical and says 'he must be working away. That's the only reason he hasn't come' and he moves on to what ever I have arranged to compensate for their disappointment. T1 is neurotypical and emotive and gets angry and lashes out at me. It's tough but I won't let my children be broken by this abusive and dysfunctional man. They will learn, and be better and not repeat history as long as it's in my gift to influence

The reason your little boy feels able to say these things is that he trusts you completely and feels safe and loved. That's fantastic, it means you're doing a great job. If he was feeling insecure in his relationship with you as a result of meeting his dad he wouldn't say these things. He doesn't mean them, it's his way of processing. Perhaps on some level it's his way of testing that you are never going to turn around and say "ok off you go then"

Yes. But kids of 10+? Teens? Loads of people on this thread say this issue continues?

TBH - it seems crazy that contact would be allowed to someone who had been violent to a child in the first place.

I don't actually know the answer to this one. I wonder how he would feel if I told him his dad was abusive and I sent him to spend time with him. Equally I wonder how he'd feel if I didn't tell him and he found out from someone else. I guess I will deal with then when I have to.

It does seem a bit of a Hobson's Choice scenario. I do not envy you. hugs from an internet stranger.

In fairness your son idolising his dad and your own feelings about your ex have to be kept separate. You can't let the waters muddy by not wanting him to idolise his dad because of your own experience with him. Harsh I know sweet, but his relationship with his dad and your own feelings are not the same and really do have to be kept apart now.

I completely get that, but in the grand scheme of things I worry about him finding out about him when he's older and all the things he did and then questioning why he was even allowed to have a relationship with him in the first place. It's quite complicated and not much thought is given to the longevity of these processes by the shit show that is the family courts.