unbelievably selfish and cruel advice

[crochetmonkey74]

Colleague at work (lovely and really well liked) has had a terrible time recently and lost both her parents within 4 weeks of each other. She is in an awful state As you can imagine, people have flocked round to help and offer real life support in practical ways.
Another colleague has suggested she takes more care when talking to colleagues and getting upset and has said she should say " I'm really upset right now and I was wondering if you had the capacity to talk about it" before she speaks to anyone in case they find it triggering or so it gives them the opportunity to say "hey i'm feeling a little overwhelmed with work right now but I can talk next Wednesday.."
For context, bereaved colleague is in her late 40's - knobhead colleague is 24.
The people bereaved colleague is talking to are friends as well as working together. ALso, bereaved colleague is behaving in an appropriate way- not putting on anyone or taking advantage
I am honestly staggered by this - are there a new generation of people who really, even in these most extreme of situations put themselves first? What will it be like if people have such strong boundaries that they never help anyone else? I have been in a terrible situation before and the idea of someone saying they could fit me in in a weeks time would have seemed impossible. With grief, you are often going hour to hour especially in the first few months.
What do you guys think of it?

Assuming goodwill and sheer ignorance from the younger colleague is best, maybe they've heard one of the "friends" in the aftermath of an emotional chat, expressing how hard it is to get on with work or to deal with grief properly at work - and they're trying to "help".

NO good will come out of typecasting people based on their age. I know 20 year olds who have lost both parents, I know teenagers who are good listeners, I know people of all ages who seem to have no compassion for others! The point is this younger colleague needs to be gently put right so they can learn from it.

Well there you go being all sensible and philosophical and funny too. You clearly missed the memo where life is all about MEEEEEEE!

yeah, that's my thought. There's no way I can tell that OP's simplistic perspective is correct.

I am currently going through bereavement and I find the 24yo comment abhorrent.

It’s not about “speaking out” it’s about a junior person telling someone else in the workplace how to behave, when that person is bereaved.

However inappropriate the bereaved woman’s behaviour is, someone much younger telling her how to behave is not okay.

Management or a close friend of the bereaved woman might be able to tactfully suggest different behaviour or absence.

Younger colleague, telling her that every time she wants to talk to anyone about her bereavement, she has to announce it and ask their permission is so many types of wrong that I cannot understand how anyone is defending it.

I agree with @ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave totally.

As a manager I would be really concerned about this going on in a professional environment. I would gently encourage the older colleague to take paid leave. They clearly aren’t fit to work if they’re getting this upset in the office.

I actually think it’s insensitive to be so dismissive about the idea this behaviour could be upsetting to colleagues, regardless of their age.

OP has answered that. Death of both of colleagues parents was announced in a meeting. Colleagues having been supporting their friend, who is not being inappropriate.

Twat colleague has taken it upon themselves, out of the blue, to inform bereaved colleague to ask if people "have capacity" before discussing death of both parents in four weeks.

I am assuming this was a private conversation between the youngster and his colleague, who has since told OP. Not sure.

yup sums it up well
also this

Younger colleague, telling her that every time she wants to talk to anyone about her bereavement, she has to announce it and ask their permission is so many types of wrong that I cannot understand how anyone is defending it.

Aside from the fact that the 24 year old being a moron, what’s it got to do with him anyway. Why is he sticking his beak in trying to run a pathetic lecturing session. Is he one of those that thinks he needs to educate people, with his non existent wisdom.

OP has answered that. Death of both of colleagues parents was announced in a meeting.

I would personally hate this as I am a private person in work place - but assume bereaved persons here is okay with it.

However having it announced so publicly will almost certainly mean people are asking if she is okay and offering support so telling the bereaved person off for responding to this and then instructing her on how she needs to talk to colleges is really odd.

Yeah me too, but I also can see the 24 yr olds point.

I’m in my 40’s and had gone through ‘big’ bereavements before I even hit my 20’s and find it perfectly plausible that someone in their 20’s has real difficulties finding themselves in the centre of or closely witnessing someone else’s grieving process. Particularly in a workplace.

personal experience and proximity of bereavement doesn’t give anyone some sort of upper hand.

Same. It sounds a very…intense workplace, and I can very easily imagine that some people are uncomfortable with trying to get on and work while this is happening. It is tragic for her, but if she’s struggling to cope then imo she would be best served taking leave.

It's all about context though isn't it? if someone was a very long standing and exemplary colleague, not a drama queen and was just having 'moments' throughout the day and leaning on people a bit more than usual....then I think it could be really hurtful to ask them to take leave if they felt it was because they were a bother. Maybe the last thing they would want is to be at home staring at the four walls. I think over a long working life and set of relationships, we should be able to cut each other some slack and understand that just because someone is not 100% doesn't mean they don't belong.

We were all probably know-it-alls age 24, but the level of self-righteousness and contempt for older generations is off the scale these days. I don't remember that as normal at all.

I’d tell the little upstart to shut the f* up personally. That should put him straight!

The problem with this idea of getting people who are in shock, traumatised, or in any great distress to ask other people their "capacity" then book a time for expressing distress is...well, it entirely ignores the fact of their being in shock, traumatised or in great distress.

Putting responsibility on people who are debilitated by overwhelming and devastating crises to stop in the midst of that to talk about your "capacity" instead is indeed common nowadays and it never ceases to shock me.

It's also gaslighting as it's pretending someone in a very severe crisis or extreme state is actually in a relatively ok, just a bit sad state where they can choose to turn on and off their pain and how to express it. It's very common but very self-absorbed and selfish.

There are young people who aren't like that, but it is common, at any age.

This.

Some people do just want to go to work and not have to deal with other people's personal shit, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Maybe the 24 year old handled it badly, but I suspect it was coming from a good place and the OP is presenting a rather one sided version of things.

it seems odd that 24-year-old would just bring this up out of nowhere. i wonder if someone(s) told the 24-year-old that they are feeling overwhelmed wrt colleague's bereavement and this was 24-year-old's very clumsy way of trying to handle that

But you don’t get to decide what trumps that for other people!
Having ‘a little cry’ regularly in work is not the quiet non showy thing you think it is.

It’s interesting that you’ve commented loads on this thread merely to tell people they are wrong but have provided no context to your OP. Apparently all emotional conversations and crying outburst are so private and 24 year old has never been offloaded on yet they know enough to have brought it up. Both those things can’t be true at the same time.

'Other people's personal shit'...is that how you characterise losing both parents in the space of 4 weeks? It actually chills me to think people could be that lacking in fellow feeling.

Twat colleague has taken it upon themselves, out of the blue, to inform bereaved colleague to ask if people "have capacity" before discussing death of both parents in four weeks.**

That’s quite an aggressive reaction to something you have no idea what prompted them to say anything at all.

OP - what’s your bereaved colleagues take on what the 24yr old has said to her?

Younger colleague sounds like a bit of a twat. Her only saving grace is youth. Some people who lack empathy only learn from personal experience.

Why do so many people not read the full thread before rushing to judgement. oP has explained how the situation was made known by management to the workforce. She has explained that the bereaved person is being supported discreetly by people who know her and are her friends, and that it is not interfering with the process of the office.

instead we have people continually asking the same questions, making up scenarios which somehow ‘ explain’ the younger employee’s extraordinary ‘advice’

How can anyone see past the staggering suggestion that someone should schedule an appointment to discuss their grief ( and some junior colleague could fit them in in a weeks time)…….dear oh dear.