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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be incredibly worried about my daughters love life?

100 replies

Jolliebee · 11/05/2023 01:49

I want to preface by saying that my DD is a wonderful woman. She is 29, has her own place, a great degree/job and friends and is kind, considerate and lovely. She is also attractive but by her own admission slightly over weight which knocks her confidence.

Anyway, my concern is that four years ago DD broke up with her long term boyfriend. They were together for around 5 years. Since then, DD seems to have not gotten over the relationship at all. She still talks about him frequently especially to me in conversation and seems to be convinced that one day he will come back. As far as I’m aware through DD’s rambling that they are no contact and he is in another relationship.

She’s admitted that she would like children and maybe to get married one day but has also said that she can’t imagine having kids with anyone else so it’s pointless and that she cannot see herself with another person.

Now, around two years ago in the pandemic I did think perhaps she was taking the break up hard and wouldn’t have the opportunity to meet someone given lockdown but now we are out of that, she just keeps saying that she’ll never find anyone she likes as much as him, and that she hates internet dating and doesn’t have anyone at work she likes so she won’t bother, but in the same breath tells me that she feels lonely and is the only one without a partner.

I’ve suggested her joining some hobbies etc to meet new people but she isn’t sporty, so she doesn’t know where to join.

Does anyone have any advice? It’s horrible to see that DD is almost putting her life on hold for this person when the likelihood is they’ll never come back and I don’t want her to miss out on meeting someone lovely. I know she’s an adult, but I want to support her.

OP posts:
Fraggiola · 11/05/2023 02:08

Not sure what her weight has to do with anything??!

Original poster
Jolliebee · 11/05/2023 02:14

Fraggiola · 11/05/2023 02:08

Not sure what her weight has to do with anything??!

The reason I mentioned it is because I think it may be a confidence issue with wanting to meet people romantically.

OP posts:
electriclight · 11/05/2023 02:23

I would be worried too but I am not sure what you can do really. You can't make her get over him, and you can't make her go on dates. I'd be doing my best to boost her confidence and self esteem. Is it possible she wants to date but puts on a brave face about not really wanting to because she doesn't want to discuss it with you?

FrozenGhost · 11/05/2023 04:39

Advice for her or for you? For her, I'd say move on.

For you though, while I'd be concerned too, the bottom line is she is an adult and there is nothing you can really do.

Have you had any conversations about it where you mention your concerns that she is hung up on this guy? Not that I think this would help necessarily.

Losingweightissohard · 11/05/2023 04:44

Judo, badminton, tennis, rambling, walking groups these activities are mixed and have opportunities to meet loads of people.

AlicesPalace · 11/05/2023 04:55

Losingweightissohard · 11/05/2023 04:44

Judo, badminton, tennis, rambling, walking groups these activities are mixed and have opportunities to meet loads of people.

She’s overweight, lacking confidence and isn’t sporty, so I’m not sure these are the right suggestions.

but clubs are the way to go. OP what about a book club or language lessons?

Losingweightissohard · 11/05/2023 04:56

Overweight people can exercise and walking for one is a great way to start and meet people.

Lovethatforyou · 11/05/2023 04:59

What about a dog and walking?

OP why don’t you have a heart to heart with her? Offer her your support.

You sound like a lovely mum.

nonevernotever · 11/05/2023 04:59

Do you have a Spice group near you? It's a singles activity/social club rather than a dating club but I do know several people who met their partners through it. If nothing else an active social life is never a bad thing.

romaineleaf · 11/05/2023 05:05

I would say she needs some counselling to work this through.

Pegsandsunshine · 11/05/2023 06:02

There are other hobbies that are not sports...

Would she do drama? Comedy? A hobby course (liek a photography group)?

But at the end of the day, it's hard to get rid of an obsession like that, if after all that time she is still clinging onto the hope they will be back together. Councelling may be helpful to her?

Dolphinnoises · 11/05/2023 06:04

She sounds depressed. Would she consider counselling?

Fadedstripes · 11/05/2023 06:17

She needs therapy, many go through life holding some regret for a love not working out or unrequited love but it’s affecting her far too much .

Houseupdate · 11/05/2023 06:24

romaineleaf · 11/05/2023 05:05

I would say she needs some counselling to work this through.

Me too.

YukoandHiro · 11/05/2023 06:28

What happened when they broke up? Who left who?

dizzygirl1 · 11/05/2023 06:46

Back off and leave her alone.
Maybe she's been seeing someone and hasn't told you, can't imagine why, not when your posting on a forum about your adult daughters love life.
This is why my family are told nothing about my life. They were told I was getting divorced 2 weeks before it happened. Maybe look into your relationship with your daughter and look at how you can judge less.

msisfine · 11/05/2023 07:03

Everyone I know met their partner on Tinder (three are married, I'm five years in and 1 DD) - I know there are horror stories, but the apps can really work.

Unsure33 · 11/05/2023 07:15

dizzygirl1 · 11/05/2023 06:46

Back off and leave her alone.
Maybe she's been seeing someone and hasn't told you, can't imagine why, not when your posting on a forum about your adult daughters love life.
This is why my family are told nothing about my life. They were told I was getting divorced 2 weeks before it happened. Maybe look into your relationship with your daughter and look at how you can judge less.

Some families have close relationships and talk about everything and support each other you know ? Perhaps the daughter wants support . Perhaps you are the judgey one .

BeatriceBatchelor · 11/05/2023 07:18

Ignore @dizzygirl1 and her unpleasant post.

If it were my DD, I'd be encouraging her to lose weight and exercise - both would be good for her self esteem. Can you put your heads together and come up with some delicious, healthy recipes. Join a Pilates class, aerobics ... then a lovely new wardrobe.

I've heard great things about Spice and know lots of people who've met their partners on dating apps.

Fairyliz · 11/05/2023 07:19

dizzygirl1 · 11/05/2023 06:46

Back off and leave her alone.
Maybe she's been seeing someone and hasn't told you, can't imagine why, not when your posting on a forum about your adult daughters love life.
This is why my family are told nothing about my life. They were told I was getting divorced 2 weeks before it happened. Maybe look into your relationship with your daughter and look at how you can judge less.

Wow projecting much!
Op doesn’t sound the least bit judgy. She sounds like a lovely caring mum who is worried about her daughter.

dizzygirl1 · 11/05/2023 07:23

Ok happy to accept I can be wrong. But I still say let your daughter have a chance.
And to all others,not all families have close relationships..... not all families accept that either, narcissistic will come across as loving caring mothers to the outside world.

Roselilly36 · 11/05/2023 07:27

You sound a lovely, supportive and caring mum. But it doesn’t sound like your DD is ready to start a new relationship yet, she needs time to accept the end of her previous relationship, once she has accepted it hopefully she will move on with her life. I think you are right in that she could be holding on hoping her previous partner returns. Often you can meet someone when you aren’t looking, no point into pushing her into clubs and situations that she doesn’t sound ready for. Just keep supporting her.

LadyJ2023 · 11/05/2023 07:34

Definitely don't do dating apps it went terribly wrong for me not once but twice wasnt in right head space and also felt pushed a little by friends. I gave them up when I was 26 and I just concentrated on myself 5 years later met a man who I adore and I'm fairly sure adores me back we married and have 3 children I was 36 when had first and 37 when had twins and im such a happy bunny now im 38 🙂so dont worry it will happen. Dont push her to make a wrong snap decision. I didnt do any extra hobbies etc and I'm not the world's thinnest or confident either. It will happen when she is ready honestly when you least expect it aswell. I mean mad as it sounds I literally fell in love the minute I saw hubby and no joke a month later we married and never looked back 😀

Leafyhouse · 11/05/2023 07:42

If she's not ready to meet someone, maybe talk to her about egg freezing? Quite the norm in the City.