To be incredibly worried about my daughters love life?

[Jolliebee]

I want to preface by saying that my DD is a wonderful woman. She is 29, has her own place, a great degree/job and friends and is kind, considerate and lovely. She is also attractive but by her own admission slightly over weight which knocks her confidence.

Anyway, my concern is that four years ago DD broke up with her long term boyfriend. They were together for around 5 years. Since then, DD seems to have not gotten over the relationship at all. She still talks about him frequently especially to me in conversation and seems to be convinced that one day he will come back. As far as I’m aware through DD’s rambling that they are no contact and he is in another relationship.

She’s admitted that she would like children and maybe to get married one day but has also said that she can’t imagine having kids with anyone else so it’s pointless and that she cannot see herself with another person.

Now, around two years ago in the pandemic I did think perhaps she was taking the break up hard and wouldn’t have the opportunity to meet someone given lockdown but now we are out of that, she just keeps saying that she’ll never find anyone she likes as much as him, and that she hates internet dating and doesn’t have anyone at work she likes so she won’t bother, but in the same breath tells me that she feels lonely and is the only one without a partner.

I’ve suggested her joining some hobbies etc to meet new people but she isn’t sporty, so she doesn’t know where to join.

Does anyone have any advice? It’s horrible to see that DD is almost putting her life on hold for this person when the likelihood is they’ll never come back and I don’t want her to miss out on meeting someone lovely. I know she’s an adult, but I want to support her.

Do you understand the concept of Mumsnet?!

And also …OP sounds like a really caring mum who wants to help her daughter

Thankfully, no, I'm not your DD. Now you're wanting to out me as having a weight problem online too? Not true by the way, but that's not the point. I could be 20st or 8st, I still wouldn't want my mum discussing it online and now you're saying you've told DD that you've 'reached out to friends' as you're worried about her. She must be bloody thrilled she's getting discussed left, right and centre. What a loving, considerate, self-aware mum you are.

Thanks @RustySwitchblade I get MN, thanks. Calm down and just give your own opinions and comments. No need to start an interaction with me.

Maybe book a holiday with her somewhere you'd both like to go, and suggest you do a language class together so you can enjoy it more? Just enjoy spending time with her and develop some other things to talk about apart from the ex!

Well you are discussing her too!

If you are so against people
sharing concerns about their family online, maybe don’t come on online.

it’s like these people who watch things on TV just to be offended

Again, you miss the point of these threads

Talking therapies will help her accept the break-up and move on. She's only 29. I would steer her towards life coaching/counselling and ignore any unsolicited advice about weight loss and dating.

@RustySwitchblade please stop interacting with me.
Stop trying to tell me what I'm allowed to say, think, opine about. Don't try lecture me on MN etiquette.

Could you lure her along to some sort of hobby /group by saying you'd like to do it but you're not confident enough to go alone. It doesm't need to be with the view of findind someone to date. Maybe just get her out and doing a few things to start living her life. If she starts enjoying herself socially without him the desire to move on will follow naturally.

@Jolliebee My ds is the same. 29 and still upset about a girlfriend he split up with 3 years ago. She’s on her 2nd relationship and he just misses her.

Its so worrying. He’s having counselling, l think he needs AD’s but he won’t take them. I just listen to him🤷🏼‍♀️

Back off and leave her alone.
Maybe she's been seeing someone and hasn't told you, can't imagine why, not when your posting on a forum about your adult daughters love life.
This is why my family are told nothing about my life. They were told I was getting divorced 2 weeks before it happened. Maybe look into your relationship with your daughter and look at how you can judge less.

This with bells on!
I'd be mortified if my mother was doing this

I’ve suggested her joining some hobbies etc to meet new people but she isn’t sporty, so she doesn’t know where to join.

There are a million hobbies and activities that have nothing to do with sport. She could join a local history group, get an allotment, go birdwatching, do some charity fundraising, go on a specialist cookery course, learn a language and travel. If you have any National Trust properties within reach they are always looking for volunteers.

Don't look on a hobby as a social ticket to meet men. It's a way to expand her life experience, make more friends of all ages and kinds, develop more interests so that she gets the most out of being a free single independent person .

Honestly this

Ignore the harsh comments op. Imagine if you didn’t care at all! It would be a shit mother who didn’t think at all about her kid’s happiness. People seem to forget that people post on an ANONYMOUS FORUM so that they dont upset loved ones in real life.

Your daughter still isn’t over a relationship after a long time and is visibly unhappy about this and her lack of love life. It definitely sucks when you get to that age and feel like everyone around you is settling down. She should at least be having some fun. Can you arrange some fun mum/daughter dates? Ideally she is busy and having as full a life as possible. And personally I think a little therapy wouldn’t do any harm. She might get cross when you first mention it but think it over in time.

How is your weight btw? You could suggest joining slimming world or something and see if she wants to join too for support.

OP explained exactly why her weight might be relevant.

Do you know why they broke up? I'm curious to know why she thinks he might want her back. I think she definitely needs to talk to someone.

I think the main factor here before anything else is her holding on so much to her ex. Given how long ago it was, as others have suggested, counselling might help her work through her feelings so she can accept it is over with him and move forward.

She sounds like she is struggling really badly and needs to get him out her system before anything can happen with anybody else. As we all know, getting over someone is one of the toughest things ever to do and no matter how many new partners she meets, if she is comparing them to her ex, it is over with a new partner before it has even begun. I speak from experience as I've been there and done that. Until I was over my ex, there was just no point as nobody matched up. One day though I did meet someone who is now my husband, but that only happened when I got my ex out my system.

Ignore the critics on this thread, you are a great mum who cares for her daughter and I wish my mum was as concerned about me when I was going through it.

’You are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child’

This unfortunately is so true

I feel so sorry for her, it's been a shit 4 years for everyone

It really hasn't. Lockdown was a few months long and the young people I know are relishing studying, working, sport, socialising. OP's DD's feelings about her ex aren't healthy or normal so it's understandable her mum wants to help her.

Alright then it's been a shit 4 years for many. Lockdown might have felt like a few months to you but it went on, on and off, from March 2020 to May 2021, many people are still feeling the effects of it whether in their health, their work, their schooling or in missed opportunities.

Specifically re OP's daughter my thinking was if she broke up with her ex in 2019 then that timing might have meant that just when she might normally have been getting out and socialising and meeting new people, she was stuck at home brooding.

I agree. She's "stuck" in a negative feedback loop around this and not able to move on. She needs to break the loop.

I would be very careful about making this all about exercising and losing weight. Obviously those are good ideas but I wouldn't do anything to make it appear that her weight is the reason for her lack of success with relationships. For reasons I shouldn't have to spell out.

What does slightly overweight meAn? If someone has confidence issues because they are “slightly overweight” it probably means that they have confidence issues full stop. Because slightly overweight means “normal” body size.

I disagree. The tone of the OP is off. Mentioning weight for no good reason, implying it is the reason for DDs being single. It is quite judgemental. A loving mum wouldn’t need MN for this issue. They would have a relationship with DD where this could be discussed.

He was obviously her first real serious Boyfriend /Partner, by sounds of it,

Plus she very young meeting him her ex

Even emotionally harder in a way too of course she will do.

All you can do is just carry on being supportive boost her cofindence,

encourage her to have a life outside of her home, sometimes or just more often,for e.g to try and get out of comfort zone a bit or somewhat in a safe way of course,
(build up self esteem,/cofindence. !

Also encourage her to explore interests she can do on her own and socially with others ,a mix too.
(reason being about interests on her own so she is not depend on friends , plus pursuing this, it will beneficial for emotional well being for e.g. mediation ect
Also taking up Martial Arts displines too, ect

Also encourage her to take self care more often habit as in she could join a healthsap maybe a gym too, if up for that.

Pamper session with friends or and with you too, trying out complementary therapies treatments too,