To be incredibly worried about my daughters love life?

[Jolliebee]

I want to preface by saying that my DD is a wonderful woman. She is 29, has her own place, a great degree/job and friends and is kind, considerate and lovely. She is also attractive but by her own admission slightly over weight which knocks her confidence.

Anyway, my concern is that four years ago DD broke up with her long term boyfriend. They were together for around 5 years. Since then, DD seems to have not gotten over the relationship at all. She still talks about him frequently especially to me in conversation and seems to be convinced that one day he will come back. As far as I’m aware through DD’s rambling that they are no contact and he is in another relationship.

She’s admitted that she would like children and maybe to get married one day but has also said that she can’t imagine having kids with anyone else so it’s pointless and that she cannot see herself with another person.

Now, around two years ago in the pandemic I did think perhaps she was taking the break up hard and wouldn’t have the opportunity to meet someone given lockdown but now we are out of that, she just keeps saying that she’ll never find anyone she likes as much as him, and that she hates internet dating and doesn’t have anyone at work she likes so she won’t bother, but in the same breath tells me that she feels lonely and is the only one without a partner.

I’ve suggested her joining some hobbies etc to meet new people but she isn’t sporty, so she doesn’t know where to join.

Does anyone have any advice? It’s horrible to see that DD is almost putting her life on hold for this person when the likelihood is they’ll never come back and I don’t want her to miss out on meeting someone lovely. I know she’s an adult, but I want to support her.

I do think counselling therapy could help her too,
to work through her feelings of letting go of her ex ect...Good suggestion from one of ubove poster ect.

Martial arts disciplines good for boosting self cofindence too.

Going on a holiday or a break or both discussing stuff that does not include her ex or her body image too, will be beneficial for her @Jolliebee

Can’t you read? OP clearly explained in her post why she mentioned weight.

Individual counselling from Relate is £70 an hour. She needs something like this to help her let go.

I'd also start pushing back a bit on her negative thoughts, if you're mmming and sympathising, then it's reinforcing them.

There was a thread on here recently that was asking people how they met their Spouse and a great many(most) met through work colleagues , through introductions from family or friends . Mainly going to events with these people .

Am dram or choir, if into singing.

Photography course.

Coding courses, if into that.

Conservation volunteers (unless you physical).

Volunteering for RNLI etc - doesn't have to be a physical role.

*unless too physical

She didn't imply its the reason she's single. She said it seems to be affecting her confidence to some degree.

If she joined a rambling group, she could get a bit fitter as well as meeting people.

Also better for chatting than other pursuits.

I'm sorry to be pedantic but if she's 29, 15 years would leave her at 44 and a lot of people really struggle to have kids after 42 (and some after 39).

What does she say when you mention her inability to move on?

Firstly you sound lovely to me! Your dd obv has feelings for the guy she broke up with. Not always easy to "move occasions they say. Why not talk to her about the reasons they split? Sometimes in hindsight rl look better than they were!my dd is similar. Us mums always want the happy ever after though,don't we. I have accepted it may not happen for dd ?, obv would be thrilled if it did,these days though doesn't always happen. Off to search for groups for her to join

I think weight was mentioned to give an overall picture of why her DD may be lacking confidence.

Stupid ridiculous and weird post

Buy her a copy of The new Rules ( it’ll help her understand why it went wrong with her boyf and give her some sound dating advice) and if you can afford a couple of sessions with one of their associated dating coaches ( pm me if you want a recommendation) That’ll put her on track.

I think you sound supportive and caring op. Nothing wrong with coming on MN to ask for advice. Parenting doesn’t stop at 18 or come with instructions. We are all just trying to do our best. Of course you are worried about her. I think some talking therapies might be beneficial. What is she into? I’m sure there’s a hobby or group out there that would suit?

Good point from a PP about not humouring her about the ex.

IMO possibly controversial getting angry and disgusted with your ex (temporarily) is a really important stage of disengaging with them emotionally. Instead of looking back at the best bits of the relationship she needs to spend time dwelling on his worst qualities, whether that’s big things like lying and cheating, or smaller ones like always taking the bigger bit of cake or saying “pacifically” instead of specifically. ANYTHING. If you know her friends perhaps you can coach one of them to have a jolly girls night and get some good old slagging off going.

I feel more worried for the kids of MN posters who don’t seem to give a shit after their kids turn 18.

I will still worry about my kids when they are fifty and will want them to be happy and fulfilled (if I am still alive!).

It took me 5 years to get over soneone. Anti depressants helped me a lot.

She's not sporty

From what you've said it doesn't sound particularly like your daughter's lacking confidence, more that she's still hung up on her ex and can't imagine ever feeling 'that in love' again. That's not so unusual. It's dragged on a bit but covid certainly put a spanner in the works. Whilst on the surface the world's returning to normal for her she got 'stuck' in heartbreak mode during isolation and it's kinda set so it's going to take a bit longer to get back into the swing of things.
I think it might be helpful to cut short any conversations about her ex , so a bit of tough love rather than giving your sympathetic smile and saying I know you loved him, I know it hurts etc
I'm not sure she needs suggestions about where/how to meet people. She knows she can join groups/clubs etc. I think your best bet is to talk in passing about eg when she gets married, you hope she stays local etc...don't make it the topic of conversation, just talk in general as if it's a given.

Thank you all. I genuinely mean it from a kind place, I don’t want to negatively describe or embarrass my daughter at all.

I know a lot of you have mentioned the weight thing but my daughter and I have had many conversations about both our weights and how we used to be more confident when we were both slimmer. I’ve managed to lose my extra but but DD has found it harder admittedly:

I simply wanted some recommendations of ways I could try and help her (she can reject these of course). I just want her to be happy and no, she doesn’t NEED a man but I know that she would like that type of connection again.

Well unfortunately you may have accidentally setup a situation where she thinks she doesn’t deserve to be confident until she’s lost weight like you did.

it really is wrong to have pally chats with girls which tie mental qualities like confidence to a physical quality IMO. My mum would love it if both she and I lost weight but instead of doing that I told her I was going to carry on eating healthily and exercising and men would fancy me as I was, which has proven to be true. She needs strong messages that it’s not about qualifying for a boyfriend by the right tip of the scales, it’s about being yourself at any weight and all the brilliant things she is in herself.

It sounds as though she has it stuck in her head that he’s the one before she had a chance to learn that she feels that because she was in love, he is not so special. She’ll feel just as good next time she’s in love but she needs to let go of him to get there. If you can get her to see that these are her feelings and that she will feel them again with someone else once she lets go of this image of him on the other end, she’ll mentally do the rest of the work to move on as she’ll see it is in her interests.

I do think she sounds a bit depressed, like she fell into a bit of a hole and instead of climbing out if it, covid kept her in there.

I think the first issue is getting over the relationship. I would suggest some counselling.

then she can try hobbies, online dating etc to see if she meets someone.