To be incredibly worried about my daughters love life?

[Jolliebee]

I want to preface by saying that my DD is a wonderful woman. She is 29, has her own place, a great degree/job and friends and is kind, considerate and lovely. She is also attractive but by her own admission slightly over weight which knocks her confidence.

Anyway, my concern is that four years ago DD broke up with her long term boyfriend. They were together for around 5 years. Since then, DD seems to have not gotten over the relationship at all. She still talks about him frequently especially to me in conversation and seems to be convinced that one day he will come back. As far as I’m aware through DD’s rambling that they are no contact and he is in another relationship.

She’s admitted that she would like children and maybe to get married one day but has also said that she can’t imagine having kids with anyone else so it’s pointless and that she cannot see herself with another person.

Now, around two years ago in the pandemic I did think perhaps she was taking the break up hard and wouldn’t have the opportunity to meet someone given lockdown but now we are out of that, she just keeps saying that she’ll never find anyone she likes as much as him, and that she hates internet dating and doesn’t have anyone at work she likes so she won’t bother, but in the same breath tells me that she feels lonely and is the only one without a partner.

I’ve suggested her joining some hobbies etc to meet new people but she isn’t sporty, so she doesn’t know where to join.

Does anyone have any advice? It’s horrible to see that DD is almost putting her life on hold for this person when the likelihood is they’ll never come back and I don’t want her to miss out on meeting someone lovely. I know she’s an adult, but I want to support her.

Break ups can be hard. I spent 9 years single with not one date in my mid 20's onwards. This was my choice because the relationship I'd had prior to this was horrendous and violent, so I decided I had bad judgement and didn't trust myself to make a better choice.
Then met my DH and he was just brilliant. I actually went to buy a mobile phone, he served me. Chance meeting of great partners is still the most underrated way of meeting your soul mate!

Anyways, the short and long of this is she will meet someone when she is ready and not before.

Stop worrying about her, she is in control of her life. Just be there for her and listen without judgement. You are a great mum x

I would say it doesn't matter if she starts hobbies of any description because frankly she doesn't want to meet anyone who isn't her ex. She needs some therapy/counselling to build her confidence and most importantly to let that relationship go

Badminton and rambling 😂

Yeah that’s why. There’s nothing wrong with her post as a mother who is concerned about her daughter.

I don’t get this trend of expecting people to turn a blind eye and “mind their business” when they can see someone they care about suffering or going through something tough. Yes she should not be too pushy but no she also shouldn’t just leave her alone especially if she is depressed and doesn’t recognize it.

And we wonder why society is going to shit with everyone playing the mind my business game.

If I was in such a state I would expect someone who loved me to be able to have a Frank conversation with me not just “mind their business” and what tell me 5 years later?

I think the only thing you should do is encourage her to see a therapist to work through her feelings about letting go of her past relationship.

I’m with those suggesting she needs some counseling. Her self esteem seem low and her fixation on her ex as her only potential future romantic partnership is concerning and may not only be linked to lack of confidence.

I would ask her to try https://www.meetup.com/lp/how-to-group-start-v2-savings?utm_medium=SEM&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=mmrk_adwords_orgacq_uk_save_branded&utm_term=group&utm_content=lp_grp_save&gclid=CjwKCAjwge2iBhBBEiwAfXDBRxTjNBRhGDkrJtW6Yn_mSNXazegvkBoGxM1rjAezRZZNRL-jxkrujxoCFQYQAvD_BwE

Lots of different interest groups to choose from, so you meet like-minded people. Depends where you live but they are pretty well spread these days.

It can take time to really get over someone, if she wants children she has nearly 15 years where she’ll still be of childbearing age…she might turn a corner and realise that it is futile waiting for him to come back and get on with her life again. In the meantime I think I would just be there to listen to her and help her to make her own choices.

Her heart has been broken and she is still healing. I know of several people in similar situations…

@Jolliebee

I want to preface by saying that my DD is a wonderful woman. She is 29, has her own place, a great degree/job and friends and is kind, considerate and lovely. She is also attractive but by her own admission slightly over weight which knocks her confidence.
^^^^^
Your DD sounds brilliant (weight is irrelevant)
I was single at 29 (and still held a candle for my ex from several years. , though had dated)
Met my dh through friends.
He'd been around a while I just hadn't noticed him.
Been together nearly 30 years - very happy.
Your dd will get there in her own time.
It is scary ti date again and put your heart out again for fear of being hurt but with maturity you make better decisions
She will get there.

I think you re right to be concerned, you sound more worried about the candle she’s holding to her ex than her current love life which I think is right. Not getting over a relationship can really hold you back. As PP have said I would really encourage her to invest in some therapy, although again this might be difficult if she isn’t receptive to it. Therapy can be quite expensive, is there any way you can help her with the cost? I think that dating is unlikely to go well if she’s still so hung up on an ex - she will just end up comparing everyone to him and this could end up making her feel worse - she needs help to move on.

Her friends need to be looking out for her and giving her advice on getting over the ex. If I were you I'd divert conversations about him onto more productive topics.

Like others have said, many go through life still a bit in love with an ex. It's just not talked about because it ruins the "one true monogamous love" narrative that dominates our culture. But in this case her love for her ex is stopping her from moving forward. Counselling might be a good shout, not necessarily to make her get over him or start dating but to help her to live with how she feels about him.

It took me 10 years to date again after a break up in my mid 20s. It was awful.

I don't know anyone else who grieved a relationship for that long, but it does happen. I immersed myself in hobbies but I didn't feel it was fair to date when I still loved the first guy. I knew he wouldn't come back but my feelings were still there.

Fwiw I started dating again at 35 (online) and am now married with children. There's nothing my Mum could have done. I just decided I didn't want to be alone anymore.

I also had a bad break up aged 19 and it took me years to get over. I honestly never thought I'd meet anyone I liked as much as him. I however tried dating as it felt like I should. But it was pretty much all a disaster as I wasn't over the ex and didn't like anyone that much and was always comparing. I think I had my first proper relationship where I actually liked the guy a lot about 6-7 years after. I was finally over ex around then. I'm 40 now and in a happy relationship. So these things can take time. But it doesn't mean forever.

I agree
I have a good relationship with my mom.
I'd be mortified if I knew she was posting online advice for how to help me get over a break up, saying I was overweight and essentially saying I needed to get out more.

OP - if you're worried that she might be unhealthily obsessed with her ex then suggest she seeks counselling but don't go around trying to force interactions to get her a relationship. These things need to happen naturally.

I've been your daughter, and I don't blame you for being worried. It's definitely a mental place that you can get stuck in.

I think now that the only thing that would have helped me would have been good quality counselling. I remember considering it, and feeling ashamed that I would be using up someone's time on something so trivial, when other people had "real problems". I thought a therapist would think I was pathetic! So perhaps you could gently suggest counselling/therapy, and tell her it's a normal thing to get therapy for. If she can afford it, suggest it as an investment in herself.

Please be careful, though - my mum made some quite sharp comments about how it wasn't 'normal' how long I'd been heartbroken for, and it really stung (even though she was probably right).

Ultimately, she has to want to be over him. Meeting someone else could work, but not if she's not giving anyone a chance. So she might not be ready for the hobbies/online dating/meetups suggestions above (though they are good ways to meet people when you're 30+ and everyone you know is coupled up).

That said, I personally believe that you have to get partly over it on your own, but that people don't usually get 100% over someone until they fall in love again (and realise what a tit they've been!). So refusing to "put yourself out there" until she's completely forgotten he exists is also not something to aim for. I would say that you get 50% of the way there on your own, and then the other 50% happens very fast when you meet someone great!

Ultimately she has to think about what she wants from life, realise that she deserves someone who loves her, and realise that the version of him that she loves is a version of him that doesn't really exist anymore, if he ever did.

@dizzygirl1

We are very close, and I have supported her through nearly everything. I don't judge her, she was forthcoming with this information but I am worried about her. She's my child. I'm not suggesting she move in any particular way, I just want to support her first and foremost.

The mention of her weight and the fact you thought she was 'rambling' suggests you're not quite the sensitive, caring mum you're trying to portray.

@Dontbelieveaword DD herself mentions her weight a lot, I know she has issues with confidence so of course it's relevant to mention and her rambling, well, she was rambling to me as I was cleaning the kitchen, we ramble to each other.

I mention my weight too. I talk to my mum about my hopes and dreams. I'd be devastated to find out that's she's telling complete strangers online that I'm overweight and I ramble on about my ex and my loneliness

@Dontbelieveaword Well, you're not my DD are you? and I've told her I've reached out to 'friends' as I'm worried about her- I've also changed a few details and it's far from outing, I think you're reflecting your own problems with your weight onto my situation.

Because weight famously has no bearing on people’s confidence and feelings of attractiveness 🙄

Feels like some overweight women want to use this post to make some point.

Carrying too much weight reduces your appeal to the opposite sex and can be a sign of poor coping or self esteem. It's highly relevant.

4 years of grieving a relationship is beyond the normal. She does need professional help.

OP sadly you need to detach as much as possible. I'd be interested what her friends think and advise...being in a relationship isn't the sole route to happiness...in fact it's a very unreliable one...and she sounds unhappy

Personally I'd not indulge her talking about the ex. It's in the past and she needs to recognise that.

Strange one, this. She’s 29, why are you involved in her love life?

Her weight has nothing to do with her romantic life. If you’ve shown or told her she’s overweight and that’s why she hasn’t met anyone then yes, that will have affected her confidence. Ditto this thing about not being sporty so being unable to join clubs? That’s a very narrow-minded way of thinking. Clubs could involve a chilled activity like walking or yoga, something energetic but not a sport (like dancing or aerobics) or something totally unrelated to sport - millions of opportunities, like choir, silversmithing, gardening, knitting, gaming, extinction rebellion (!), community work, etc etc. All of which would work wonders for her meeting people and self confidence.

She needs to get out there!

I feel so sorry for her, it's been a shit 4 years for everyone and a break up just before the pandemic was poor timing in terms of it being nearly impossible to "move on" just at the time it would have felt natural.

The fact that she seems to be waiting for him to come back is a worry, but don't forget he may be keeping her dangling with the occasional message etc - some people do this and I doubt she'd tell you. I wonder if she could do with a move? If she's in a small town where all her friends are in long term relationships there might genuinely be no one new to meet. What about singing? Choirs might not have loads of men in them but it's a great way to broaden her social circle.

I agree that probably what she really needs in counselling but I doubt she'd consider it.