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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can a married woman be independent?

111 replies

Smartish · 10/05/2023 14:08

AIBU or is DH?

DH was saying how he likes to look after me financially. He feels good knowing he gives me money to buy clothes and things I like. The thing is, I work FT, earning pretty much an equal salary. All of our money goes into a joint account and we each take an equal amount for our own discretionary spends. I buy all of my things from this money. I pointed this out and said I’m independent (I meant it to mean that financially, I am self sufficient and pay my way). He’s taken it to mean that I consider myself single, that I don’t need him etc…

So, AIBU? Once married, are women no longer independent?

OP posts:

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 10/05/2023 14:12

Well isn't he a sensitive wee soul!!

Sounds like he has taken your comment way out of proportion.

Of course married women can be independent - it's not the 50's!

PinkFootstool · 10/05/2023 14:14

Damn right I'm independent. We pay 50/50 on the bills etc, but if he dropped dead tomorrow or decided to leave me, I'd be fine. I would be v sad etc but I would still be able to pay the bills and generally financially and physically survive a bereavement etc.

I also go on holidays without him, see friends without him and encourage him to do the same without me.

Marriage doesn't mean I lose my identity or ability to be self sufficient! It does make it easier to afford the bills when there's two of you but otherwise we are only in a marriage because we generally like one another (most days!).

thecatsthecats · 10/05/2023 14:15

The only people who are truly financially independent are those with wealth that isn't derived from employment.

He is no more financially independent than you are if he's employed. He's financially dependent on his employer.

Just a suggestion for how you puncture his ego on this if he brings it up again!

JorisBonson · 10/05/2023 14:22

Did your husband just step out of a time machine?

I am entirely financially independent of DH. We earn similar amounts, go 50 / 50 on everything but if (God forbid) he wasn't there I would be fine. My finances are my business.

JorisBonson · 10/05/2023 14:23

Weird x post @PinkFootstool !

gamerchick · 10/05/2023 14:25

He's got an old fashioned way of thinking.

Theres not even a joint account in my marriage. I earn my own coin.**

VivaVivaa · 10/05/2023 14:25

Your DH sounds both a bit odd and a bit dense tbh.

Wishitsnows · 10/05/2023 14:25

Just say to him you like that you look after him and provide for the things he needs and wants. He is no more providing for you than you are him he just likes to think he is. I would have to set him straight on that

MiIIiex · 10/05/2023 14:26

Your DH is obviously wrong, he doesnt buy you any of the things he thinks he does.

BHRK · 10/05/2023 14:27

He’s being ridiculous.
we do what you do and I consider myself financially independent

Daffodilmorning · 10/05/2023 14:29

Just say: ‘Oh that’s so nice of you! When are you transferring your discretionary fund to my account so I can go shopping with your money instead of my equal share of the money we jointly earn?’

5128gap · 10/05/2023 14:31

If there's any type of dependency it's probably co dependency in that while each of you could manage alone, as a partnership you' may be 'dependent' on each other for the extras. You may both need each other to be able to live in the house you do, have the amount of holidays or luxuries you now enjoy through your pooling of resources. But that's reciprocal not something he provides for you.

AhNowTed · 10/05/2023 14:33

What is he on about! Bizarre take on your financial arrangements.

ErrolTheDragon · 10/05/2023 14:33

YANBU, of course.

Married couples can be financially independent - neither depends on the others earnings or wealth. They can (should) be equal, mutually supportive partners.

Perhaps he should consider trying to do nice things for/with you rather than buying you stuff that you can afford anyway? Emotional rather than financial support.

VaddaABeetch · 10/05/2023 14:34

Ask he how he likes being a keptman

Comedycook · 10/05/2023 14:35

He's got a cheek. He wants to play the big man who's supporting his wife financially without actually having to do it because you do actually work full time.

Hbh17 · 10/05/2023 14:37

Of course she can! I have been married over 30 years and we have never had a joint bank account - neither of us wanted it. My husband was the higher earner, so he paid more for some things, but we both always contributed. Neither of us know how much money the other one has/spends on personal stuff, hobbies etc - what he does with his money is none of my business and it makes for a much happier life.
Also it's a mindset - we do things together, but we also have our own interests, occasionally separate holidays etc and both of us know that we could cope perfectly well without the other one, because we're not emotionally dependent.

Pinkbonbon · 10/05/2023 14:42

First off, ffs, put your own money in your own bank account.

Joint account are for paying money into to cover the household bills but don't ever put your whole salary in them. I don't care how much you trust the other person, its utter madness to give them free access to all your savings.

This guy sounds somewhat volatile. Like he could start an argument in an empty room. You've pointed out you are his equal and he's taken it as a personal attack.

Get your own bank account ASAP.
So many women on here thought it would never happen until he actually leaves (often after creating some silly drama) and drains the bank account! Take no chances.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2023 14:42

It depends how you define "independent". If you mean you could continue to live in the same house with the same outgoings then technically not all married people are totally financially independent.

If you mean able to support yourself without recourse to the spouse's funds in the event of a separation I'd say anyone who works has a degree of independence.

Inevitably a lot of women earn less than their husbands so their independence may not be total at the lifestyle level they enjoy but they are able to support themselves, which is critical. That's the standard I would apply.

A lot of married people these days maintain separate finances (which is a good thing in my book although I know a lot of people are horrified by this). The more women get to keep their own money, the better.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2023 14:43

@Pinkbonbon

And yes, this. Never understand why people would pool all household finances. It's nuts.

Horizons83 · 10/05/2023 14:50

I absolutely do not need my husband, either financially or emotionally. So I suppose I am independent.

But I want to share my life with him.

WhyOhWine · 10/05/2023 14:51

i find this a bit odd. I earn significantly more than DH, although both of us could manage financially if we split up (he would have more of a drop in lifestyle ignoring any divorce settlement). we both also socialise independently (as well as together) without asking "permission", although when DC were little we would check in to ensure the other one was going to be in or whether we would need a sitter). The regular bills are paid out of a joint accounts. We both buy stuff (for ourselves and the house and DC) without checking. However, we do not operate entirely independently. Eg i would not just book a holiday for us without discussing with him where we might go, I dont make plans for Christmas Day without discussing etc.

So I guess it depends on what you mean by independent. But overall I think sex is irrelevant - a married woman can be just as independent (or dependent) as a married man.

Puppyseahorse · 10/05/2023 14:52

I’m confused. How does he think he’s looking after you if you earn the same amount?

because he’s a man….? How does that work?

notteallyme · 10/05/2023 14:55

Agree with above how on earth can he think he's looking after you if you earn equally and contribute equally. Looking after you would mean you aren't putting into the pot and he's putting enough in to cover all your joint needs.

lunaloveroo · 10/05/2023 14:56

I would say I'm independent. I earn a bit more than him, pay my own bills and we share out household bills equally. Never had a joint account in 20 years. I can spend what I want, save what I want without seeking approval or permission. We're mortgage free anyway but if he left me I could afford to get a mortgage or I'd just downsize and be mortgage free. I can afford to look after my dc alone. I holiday without him (and with him) and do activities without him (and with him). We have a very equal and balanced marriage.

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