Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can a married woman be independent?

111 replies

Smartish · 10/05/2023 14:08

AIBU or is DH?

DH was saying how he likes to look after me financially. He feels good knowing he gives me money to buy clothes and things I like. The thing is, I work FT, earning pretty much an equal salary. All of our money goes into a joint account and we each take an equal amount for our own discretionary spends. I buy all of my things from this money. I pointed this out and said I’m independent (I meant it to mean that financially, I am self sufficient and pay my way). He’s taken it to mean that I consider myself single, that I don’t need him etc…

So, AIBU? Once married, are women no longer independent?

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 10/05/2023 14:59

Your DH sounds like an idiot.

He is no more paying for your lifestyle than you are paying for his.

If you're not financially independent, then neither is he. I bet he thinks he is financially independent though.

MargotBamborough · 10/05/2023 15:01

It sounds like in his head he's living a 1950s style fantasy where he's the big manly breadwinner supporting his little wife, when in reality he isn't actually paying for anything except his own equal contribution to your partnership.

Your actual setup sounds fair on the face of it. I'd be questioning why he seems to want to pretend you are not equals.

Fadedstripes · 10/05/2023 15:02

If we broke up right now or he died I could live to the same standard I do now. I wouldn’t have as many amassed assets financially as they would be split 50/50 but then neither would he.

TheMoops · 10/05/2023 15:06

What an odd way of looking at the relationship.
Does he consider himself independent?
Why does he think he's giving you money to buy things?

Original poster
Smartish · 10/05/2023 15:09

To clarify a couple of points:
We came up with the joint account system when we used to earn unequally so that we both had the same amount of spending money (when I was a student and when i earned considerably less this was especially nice). We earn more or less the same now but have our own savings, the joint account covers our bills.

The other point is that he doesn't seem to think he's independent either. He seems to be of the opinion that once married, neither of you are independent anymore. It's a bizarre way of thinking.

OP posts:
Didtheythough · 10/05/2023 15:10

I dont understand how he thought he was looking after you if you both earn the same, it makes no sense. Does he NEED to feel like he looks after you? Is it a feeling manly issue, so he had been deluding himself on purpose.

PinkFootstool · 10/05/2023 15:10

Ref the joint accounts question - we do have one and we transfer the same amount into it each month for the bills and another £150 each for household savings. Those are spent on things like household repairs, replacements for furniture, car repairs etc.

Our wages are paid into our own accounts! I also earn a bit extra from time to time doing surveys or admin work for my brother - I spend it on treats for myself as its usually £50 now and again!

LolaSmiles · 10/05/2023 15:10

He has a weird attitude and sounds like he fancies himself as some sort of 1950s breadwinner whilst you're both contributing 50/50.
What sort of reaction is he hoping for when he reminds you about how much he likes providing you with things from money you're supplying to the joint account.? If he's expecting gushing and gratefulness that would be eye-roll worthy.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2023 15:11

OK darling, I'll be dependent on you. My wages are for me, you can pay am the bills and then give me spending money

See how long he keeps that up.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/05/2023 15:11

I would class myself as financially independent as I bring in enough money to cover all our existing costs alone, should the need arise. All our money is pooled, we have free access to it each, and do not need to ask permission to spend it.

I don't like your husband saying he basically "keeps" you. Like you are a possession.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2023 15:12

Smartish · 10/05/2023 15:09

To clarify a couple of points:
We came up with the joint account system when we used to earn unequally so that we both had the same amount of spending money (when I was a student and when i earned considerably less this was especially nice). We earn more or less the same now but have our own savings, the joint account covers our bills.

The other point is that he doesn't seem to think he's independent either. He seems to be of the opinion that once married, neither of you are independent anymore. It's a bizarre way of thinking.

Am him to clarify what he means by dependent but yes, I wouldn't like it either being told I can't be independent of him because of a ring

shammalammadingdong · 10/05/2023 15:16

Pinkbonbon · 10/05/2023 14:42

First off, ffs, put your own money in your own bank account.

Joint account are for paying money into to cover the household bills but don't ever put your whole salary in them. I don't care how much you trust the other person, its utter madness to give them free access to all your savings.

This guy sounds somewhat volatile. Like he could start an argument in an empty room. You've pointed out you are his equal and he's taken it as a personal attack.

Get your own bank account ASAP.
So many women on here thought it would never happen until he actually leaves (often after creating some silly drama) and drains the bank account! Take no chances.

It's not one size fits all. For example, I have no need of such advice. I've had a joint bank account with my partner for 30 years, and I do know 100% thats no way at all he is ever going to empty it and take off!

Yes , of course you can be financially independant after marriage. But you can also be dependent or interdependent, and if that works for you, that's good too. There's no prizes involved here.

JudgeRudy · 10/05/2023 15:17

It's unclear what's offended him but my guess is its that you've pointed out that financially he gives you nothing. You'd get the same from a lodger. In his position I'd flip that on It's head. You're not with him hecause you need to be, you're with him because you want to be. Tell him you don't need a rich man, his lovely self is enough.

ghyt · 10/05/2023 15:18

Ew he's giving me the ick and I don't know the bloke.

Mariposista · 10/05/2023 15:22

Goodness no. Him treating you every now and again is one thing, giving you pocket money when you already have a good salary is another!
In most functional married couples, both work, both contribute, both spend their own money on their own things. What you describe is weird.

GCWorkNightmare · 10/05/2023 15:23

Absolutely not.

Married 19 years yet also independent. I’m not financially reliant on my husband. We don’t share finances or names, I don’t use Mrs. We don’t wear rings, we have separate hobbies. Holiday together and separately. Still very much married.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 10/05/2023 15:30

it's one thing to acknowledge that life cam be easier with two wages coming into a household than 1

It's bizarre though for him to be swanning around congratulating himself that you have clothes to wear as if somehow you are not an equal contributer

I was with my DH when I was a student and he was 4 years post graduation though and it took him awhile and a few arguments before he got himself out of the mindset that he was the breadwinner and I earn pin money.

MargotBamborough · 10/05/2023 15:32

Smartish · 10/05/2023 15:09

To clarify a couple of points:
We came up with the joint account system when we used to earn unequally so that we both had the same amount of spending money (when I was a student and when i earned considerably less this was especially nice). We earn more or less the same now but have our own savings, the joint account covers our bills.

The other point is that he doesn't seem to think he's independent either. He seems to be of the opinion that once married, neither of you are independent anymore. It's a bizarre way of thinking.

Well in that sense he is correct. Even if you kept everything strictly separate during your marriage, that illusion would be shattered were you ever to divorce, when everything would go into one pot and be divvied up between you.

Original poster
Smartish · 10/05/2023 15:37

Mariposista · 10/05/2023 15:22

Goodness no. Him treating you every now and again is one thing, giving you pocket money when you already have a good salary is another!
In most functional married couples, both work, both contribute, both spend their own money on their own things. What you describe is weird.

It's weird to share finances? I mean, I will accept that everyone sorts things out differently but I don't understand how taking an equal amount to spend for ourselves is weird? It started when I earned less so we just pooled everything and shared equally what wasn't needed for the bills.

We do holiday separately (and together) and have separate friends. I go out alone and have all my own opinions! He just seems offended that I consider myself independent.

I like how some of you have pointed out that it's nicer to WANT to be together rather than feel forced because of marriage/finances etc.

OP posts:
shammalammadingdong · 10/05/2023 15:39

It's not at all weird to share finances, it's perfectly normal.

There are a great many functional married couples where only one works, or one works less, and/or they contribute very different amounts, and share money.
Some people here seem to think that sahp or the disabled or retired people do not have functioning marriages?

LolaSmiles · 10/05/2023 15:44

The other point is that he doesn't seem to think he's independent either. He seems to be of the opinion that once married, neither of you are independent anymore. It's a bizarre way of thinking
His attitude to keeping you and presenting himself as some breadwinner gives me the ick to be honest.

But I don't entirely disagree with his view here though. To me choosing to marry involved both me and DH saying that we become a unit. I'd say DH are dependent on each other, but in a freely and mutually dependent sort of a way. There are times I've been breadwinner and times he has been, we have our own pensions and have our own careers. We could live independently if we wanted or needed to.

Firstmonthfree · 10/05/2023 15:44

How is he looking after you financially if you are earning half the money????

if he wants to play the big man and be responsible for the little woman he needs to earn a bit more!

I can’t believe you are considering pandering to this guys ego. You don’t NEED him. You choose to be with him and want to be with him but you absolutely do not NEED him

Heretomakeadiff · 10/05/2023 15:46

How old are you both, 140 years old?

mrsbyers · 10/05/2023 15:51

PinkFootstool · 10/05/2023 14:14

Damn right I'm independent. We pay 50/50 on the bills etc, but if he dropped dead tomorrow or decided to leave me, I'd be fine. I would be v sad etc but I would still be able to pay the bills and generally financially and physically survive a bereavement etc.

I also go on holidays without him, see friends without him and encourage him to do the same without me.

Marriage doesn't mean I lose my identity or ability to be self sufficient! It does make it easier to afford the bills when there's two of you but otherwise we are only in a marriage because we generally like one another (most days!).

This ^

I have never relied on a man financially and never will

Firstmonthfree · 10/05/2023 15:53

@Heretomakeadiff if they were 140 years old she wouldn’t be earning the same as him. Propping up this bizarre illusion that he has where he is the “head of the household” giving her money for clothes and things when she earns the same amount!!!

if it were purely antediluvian and he was financing everything I wouldn’t have so much of a problem as I do with this Prince gifting her own money back to her.

Dont know what these posters who have got the ick are going on about, I’ve gone straight through that into rage.