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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can a married woman be independent?

111 replies

Smartish · 10/05/2023 14:08

AIBU or is DH?

DH was saying how he likes to look after me financially. He feels good knowing he gives me money to buy clothes and things I like. The thing is, I work FT, earning pretty much an equal salary. All of our money goes into a joint account and we each take an equal amount for our own discretionary spends. I buy all of my things from this money. I pointed this out and said I’m independent (I meant it to mean that financially, I am self sufficient and pay my way). He’s taken it to mean that I consider myself single, that I don’t need him etc…

So, AIBU? Once married, are women no longer independent?

OP posts:
Citygal3 · 10/05/2023 15:55

What you do is quite normal and a good idea I would say. Each person should have the same amount of disposable income in a partnership. It is his take on it that is weird.

Jazzyjezzabelle · 10/05/2023 16:03

I don’t know how he doesn’t give you the ick. Not due to his stereotypical views but as he earns the same as you so treats you to fuck all .

Original poster
Smartish · 10/05/2023 16:06

Jazzyjezzabelle · 10/05/2023 16:03

I don’t know how he doesn’t give you the ick. Not due to his stereotypical views but as he earns the same as you so treats you to fuck all .

What do you mean he treats me to fuck all? Where did I say that? He buys me gifts...

OP posts:
Cas112 · 10/05/2023 16:14

He's being ridiculous. You are independent and clearly not single Confused

Mrsweasleysclock · 10/05/2023 16:17

Do you think it's just miscommunication. If he thinks neither of you are independent maybe he is just pointing out that as you're in a committed relationship you run decisions or expenditure or plans etc past each other even if just as a courtesy. You wouldn't do that if you weren't in a committed relationship and so then you would be truly independent.

He may just be pointing out that while you both have the ability to be independent financially, socially etc you do have to consider each other as things stand now. It's not a bad thing, just how things are in a relationship.

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2023 16:22

Mrsweasleysclock · 10/05/2023 16:17

Do you think it's just miscommunication. If he thinks neither of you are independent maybe he is just pointing out that as you're in a committed relationship you run decisions or expenditure or plans etc past each other even if just as a courtesy. You wouldn't do that if you weren't in a committed relationship and so then you would be truly independent.

He may just be pointing out that while you both have the ability to be independent financially, socially etc you do have to consider each other as things stand now. It's not a bad thing, just how things are in a relationship.

But that's not how he's phrased it. The way he's phrased it its as if he gets a buzz from "keeping her": enjoying the fact he buys things for her and getting the hump about her describing herself as independent. In other words he actively wants her to be dependent. It's not a good look.

LolaSmiles · 10/05/2023 16:26

The way he's phrased it its as if he gets a buzz from "keeping her": enjoying the fact he buys things for her and getting the hump about her describing herself as independent. In other words he actively wants her to be dependent. It's not a good look.
That's how I read it too. It comes across like he wants to position himself as the provider husband and OP as the kept wife.

SinglePonders · 10/05/2023 16:26

Well if your lifestyle requires another person, financially, emotionally, physically, psychologically, then of course the person isin’t ’independent’
Abd this goes for women and men.
But I’d say most people can’t or even want to do that.

Mrsweasleysclock · 10/05/2023 16:29

LolaSmiles · 10/05/2023 16:26

The way he's phrased it its as if he gets a buzz from "keeping her": enjoying the fact he buys things for her and getting the hump about her describing herself as independent. In other words he actively wants her to be dependent. It's not a good look.
That's how I read it too. It comes across like he wants to position himself as the provider husband and OP as the kept wife.

I initially read it that way but then when op said that he also doesn't consider himself as being independent I thought maybe he's just getting his point across in the wrong way.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 10/05/2023 16:36

husband and I earn around the same - have a child - we both put 50/50 in joint acc for the mortgage / bills / stuff for our daughter / food shops

we both are paid into our own private accounts and do a manual transfer to join acc

and we keep our own Monday in private accounts to do what we like with! If he wants to get me a gift or treat me to a night out or whatever out of his own money pot thats nice sometimes and i do the same for him!

but i would class myself as very independent and I do not need him or any man but i do want to be with him - it's not the same thing

Fupoffyagrasshole · 10/05/2023 16:39

money not monday hhahaha

Bumpitybumper · 10/05/2023 16:40

I honestly think that hyper individualism has so much to answer for and some of the responses on this thread are shocking. OP has clarified that her DH believes that neither of them are 'independent' so he isn't being sexist. The question instead therefore is whether married people (men or women) can be totally independent of each other? I believe the answer is that this is technically possible but in most cases highly undesirable, especially when children are involved.

Marriage should mean that you act as a team and each of you contributes fairly to achieving the overall goals. Of course each person in the marriage should future proof themselves as much as possible if the marriage was to breakdown but that doesn't mean you have to act as completely separate units throughout the marriage and 'prove' you could be independent if it was needed at any given time. The sad fact is that almost anyone can be independent if it is absolutely necessary and whilst they might need assistance from the state of other sources they would survive and the vast majority would go on to have a decent quality of life.

Excessive focus on what happens if things go wrong though can lead to some women taking on more than their fair share in a marriage in a desperate attempt to prove they are still independent and don't need to rely on a man. Women solely self funding the maternity leave to have joint children, paying for their children on their own, taking on all domestic tasks etc... The list goes on. Marriage should not be harder than living alone and should be easier. This may be controversial but otherwise what is the point in teaming up with someone?

InFlagrante · 10/05/2023 16:40

Horizons83 · 10/05/2023 14:50

I absolutely do not need my husband, either financially or emotionally. So I suppose I am independent.

But I want to share my life with him.

This.

Jazzyjezzabelle · 10/05/2023 16:55

Smartish · 10/05/2023 16:06

What do you mean he treats me to fuck all? Where did I say that? He buys me gifts...

Show quote history

Then is this what he’s referring to? He’s saying he buys you gifts and it makes him feel good and now you’re saying he does in fact buy you gifts?

Jazzyjezzabelle · 10/05/2023 16:56

Smartish · 10/05/2023 16:06

What do you mean he treats me to fuck all? Where did I say that? He buys me gifts...

Show quote history

All of our money goes into a joint account and we each take an equal amount for our own discretionary spends. I buy all of my things from this money.

so this statement was untrue? You also are gifted stuff from him, which is what he was referring to?

honeylulu · 10/05/2023 17:03

I'm a married woman and I'm independent in my view. We have a joint account for household stuff but if we split we could both support ourselves financially from our separate earnings without the other. I think your husband is considering the words "single" and "independent" as the same. They aren't.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/05/2023 17:08

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2023 14:43

@Pinkbonbon

Joint account are for paying money into to cover the household bills but don't ever put your whole salary in them. I don't care how much you trust the other person, its utter madness to give them free access to all your savings.

And yes, this. Never understand why people would pool all household finances. It's nuts.

Umm because it works very well for some 🤷‍♀️ On the flip side there are those of us who don’t understand the ledger of accounts and nickel and dimming that goes on between spouses.

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 10/05/2023 17:18

I'd say I'm financially independent as is my DH. We don't have a joint account but go 50/50 on bills, we both work full time.
Neither of us know how much the other has in the bank and we never ask,
If he left me tomorrow, financially id be fine

spir1t · 10/05/2023 17:22

OP, I'm not really sure what you are looking for here because you say yourself, you earn the same as him - so what is the issue? How is he 'keeping' you? And what does 'independence' have to do with it?

If anyone is 'dependent' then its both of you - 'co-dependence.' I'm sure they'd are things you can afford as a couple that neither of you could do single?

Probably, all he meant was that he likes having joint finances?

Of course in true MN fashion, people are tripping over themselves to talk you how wonderfully 'independent' they are from their DH and each buy their own cars / clothes/ loo roll or some such triviality.

My husband earns all the money on our family and has done for over 15 years. It's absolutely fine btw,

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 10/05/2023 17:34

Well, does he mean that he likes that your jointly earned lifestyle means you can buy a nice handbag if you want it, or is he suggesting his contribution to the pot pays for the things you buy? They're very different.

It's not a particularly nice discussion on Mumsnet. There seems to be this idea that if you don't each individually earn enough to support yourself plus any children in your existing home you are a kept spouse.

I am "independent" in that I work 3 days a week so have my "own" money but I couldn't cover all of our expenses on that if DH died, so we've got a shitload of life and critical illness insurance. If he left, we'd have a big chunk of equity to split.

I'd probably downsize anyway. DS and I wouldn't need a 4 bedroom house with 3 toilets.

Original poster
Smartish · 10/05/2023 17:35

spir1t · 10/05/2023 17:22

OP, I'm not really sure what you are looking for here because you say yourself, you earn the same as him - so what is the issue? How is he 'keeping' you? And what does 'independence' have to do with it?

If anyone is 'dependent' then its both of you - 'co-dependence.' I'm sure they'd are things you can afford as a couple that neither of you could do single?

Probably, all he meant was that he likes having joint finances?

Of course in true MN fashion, people are tripping over themselves to talk you how wonderfully 'independent' they are from their DH and each buy their own cars / clothes/ loo roll or some such triviality.

My husband earns all the money on our family and has done for over 15 years. It's absolutely fine btw,

Well, he basically thinks that all married people are dependent on each other. I think he's using the word incorrectly. When I mentioned being independent, I didn't just mean financially but in other ways. I have my own opinions. He didn't seem to like that he isn't 'needed' as such but I think it's more of a compliment to be with someone because you want to be rather than have to be.
So that'd what I'm asking - does marriage mean you're no longer independent.
Looks like the majority think I'm ok to consider myself independent.

OP posts:
AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 10/05/2023 17:38

Things is there are things in life that are dependent on being a couple. Good example being salary multiples for a mortgage. When we bought this house, neither of us could have borrowed enough alone. I live here because DH does and vice versa.

spir1t · 10/05/2023 17:40

Id say you're overthinking this OP. If it's important to you to feel independent, then do just do that. But obviously, being married is about co-dependency to some extent, otherwise why bother? Bit ridiculous to have children together and then fuss about separate money and independent this and that (in my opinion). It all goes the same way.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/05/2023 17:41

I couldn't be married to someone who thinks a married woman can't be independent.

I also wouldn't be putting all of my money into a joint account. No way.

ChopperC110P · 10/05/2023 17:47

He feels good knowing he gives me money to buy clothes and things I like.
It’s good he does this.

YANBU, but neither is he.
He may have a different take on definition of independent. I think to him you have the means to be independent, but by being married and thus in a partnership you aren’t independent, and neither is he because you both rely on each other. These don’t have to be relying on each other financially, because independence also means free of any influence from others and couples do influence each others decisions.