Can a married woman be independent?

[Smartish]

AIBU or is DH?

DH was saying how he likes to look after me financially. He feels good knowing he gives me money to buy clothes and things I like. The thing is, I work FT, earning pretty much an equal salary. All of our money goes into a joint account and we each take an equal amount for our own discretionary spends. I buy all of my things from this money. I pointed this out and said I’m independent (I meant it to mean that financially, I am self sufficient and pay my way). He’s taken it to mean that I consider myself single, that I don’t need him etc…

So, AIBU? Once married, are women no longer independent?

I'd be creeped out that he thinks independence is a bad thing. Does he want a wife to stand behind him sheepishly and grovel for pocket money? Ick.

I'm married, financially independent in that we have separate accounts and split everything 50/50. I have my own friends, interests, hobbies etc and we split housework and childcare between us for whatever is convenient. We have a perfectly healthy relationship with no codependency (ok, maybe I occasionally exaggerate how heavy the bin is when it's raining and I don't want to go out 😉), we spend time together and have shared interests but DH is very comfortable with my independence and i with his.

I do know women, and it's always women ime, who completely loose themselves in a relationship and end up financially and emotionally dependent on their partner. One very close friend gave up her house, job and entire personality to the point now she won't be away from her dh, she just stands there grinning at him and refuses to spend money unless he benefits from it. The whole set up makes me so sad for her as she used to be really fun to be around.

Ok, that works for you. But what if you couldn't have gone back after 3 months? It doesn't take much for that independence to fall apart.

I don't agree about the majority. I don't think the majority of couples are totally independent at all, men or women.

I've never really understood why committed couples would share a house, a bed, there actual DNA and make new people, and be so affronted and sharing money (to me the least important aspect of things), but I assume it works for those who care about it. I wish they would be as sensible/generous to assume it can work very well the other way as well.....

their and at. Typos!

The only reason that would happen would be due to something unavoidable such as disability or mental health which are exceptions. It isn’t a choice I would ever willingly make.

We share money, just not all of it. What’s left after our shared expenses is ours to do whatever we like with, we earned it and I wouldn’t like my husband having an opinion about how it should be spent and/or saved.

I’ve seen and heard all too well about how easy completely shared finances can go wrong and women become vulnerable, especially if they become SAHM’s and have no income at all.

But what he has said doesn't even make sense.

I’ve seen and heard all too well about how easy completely shared finances can go wrong and women become vulnerable, especially if they become SAHM’s and have no income at all

So have I, but I've also seen and heard all too well how a slavish devotion to independence can go wrong and women become vulnerable. When you earn less than half what he does because he's not on the mommy track and you're still insisting on paying half of everything because you're so independent, that's can very quickly go sour too.

That's a reason why I went back after 3 months and full time. So I could continue my career and at the same level.

Not every woman accepts the ''mummy track'' by going part time, being the default parent etc.

Even if that is the case, I still feel like it is a better situation than having no income at all and doesn't leave you as vulnerable.

Wow. I’m married (to a man), female and the sole earner so my short answer to the question is “yes”!

You don't seem to be grasping the point I am making.

You had the CHOICE to go back. You may not have. Not everyone can. But that isn't even the point.

I am agreeing with you that women CAN be vulnerable without their own earned income. You don't seem able to see that you CAN also be vulnerable by being financially independent. Very vulnerable, and very badly off. And that you can be much better off by being not independent.

Can you understand that all ways can turn our badly, or well?

He's deluded. Of course, you're independent! The fact you pool money together in a joint bank account (especially. 50/50) means nothing. We do something similar, but my partner earns more and I still consider myself independent, because I could remove that money and support myself anytime I wanted.

I just don't agree with you.

A woman paying half no matter what can stop paying her half and use that to help her get out of the relationship if needed. She has more options than the woman with no income who wants to get out of the relationship, especially since the woman paying half no matter what could also ask for full time hours, she doesn't have to look for a job after potentially years out of work.

She is still more vulnerable than the other woman.