To throw out dd (14) weed

[intothegreek]

My dd1 14 claims to be addicted to weed. She has a new best mate who doesn't attend school and now thinks this girl is the best thing ever. Dd hasn't been consistent in school for about 6 months and has now given up. The wider friend group all smoke weed and her dad was addicted to it for our whole marriage until I threw him out.

Her main hobby is on hold at the minute due to injury, hoping to get her back to that soon. For the 6 months she's been laid up this has spiralled.

I know she can continuously get weed despite me not giving her any money as her friends all have it. I feel taking it away is futile but I don't know how else to help her. I can't ground her as she's physically much bigger than I can contain. Aibu to go for the continuous militant search and destroy method or can I handle this a better way?

She definitely needs counselling but won't engage. She says life isn't worth living without weed and obviously I'm the worst mother ever.

You can't throw a 14yo old out, no. Have you asked the school for help? Drug services?

are you suggesting throwing out the weed or your child?
if she has an injury and is limited in what she can do she is probably stimulus seeking. Can she do other activities? What do you do together?

Get her off that stuff now before it ruins her life

It the gentlest possible way, if she’s grown up seeing you put up with her dad doing it for years, you need to work on that together. She’ll never respect you taking it away from hen it’s been her normal. Can you try counselling together?

I think she means throw out the weed not the daughter 😂

I am in Ireland so not sure on the community supports in the UK but over here we have local drugs task forces and community drug teams that offer a whole range of addiction supports. Do you have something similar that you could get her engaged in? You really need to tackle this early before it completely spirals she is only 14. I would be contacting your local child and family service or youth service also for advice and what to do or what programmes they may run. I don't think you can handle this on your own.

OP "I know she can continuously get weed despite me not giving her any money as her friends all have it."

or she's being paid by a dealer. Maybe it's better to contact the police to report that as a concern?

I would do the nuclear option and either move house and school or put her in boarding school. She is very young to have a weed habit and I would worry how its affecting her brain development so would take really drastic measures. Not easy for you with no back up from her father. Have you spoken to the school safeguarding team?

Addiction is a medical issue, call your GP to be referred to addiction services.

Presumably school are aware she has issues if she's not attending - I'd try speaking to them. There is also many drug/alcohol projects around (charity sector) might be worth trying to find one near you and get her involved. They will have a much better idea as to how to hand her currently.

Good luck. Hope you can get her clear and back in school. What is keeping her out - other than the new friend? Might be worth trying to address that. 14 is presumably yr9 now so GCSE prep starts or has started... there are college units who can help her restart if need be too.

How can she be “laid up” with injury yet still able to be out with friends accessing drugs?

No you can't but you can ban her friends from the house and take away her phone until she agrees to the counselling and definitely let school know.

I’m laughing at the idea of sending her to boarding school to avoid weed, the boarding schools round me have huge drug problems as the pupils have the money to pay for it!!
would she do therapy online? Sometimes face to face is too intimidating for teenagers.

Just throwing out the weed not the kid, lol. Taking away the phone is an issue as she's a flight risk and I can do find my phone. The hobby involves an injured animal not the kid. Drugs and the hobby do not match. Counselling is available but she won't engage, her brain is stuck in teenage, self destruct, I know everything and hate everyone except my amazing awesome friends who give me drugs mode. I'm definitely out my depth.

"I feel taking it away is futile"

Well it isn't. Get it off her. Then contact some drug services for advice

And with ref to her dad, he was a very high functioning addict self medicating adhd. I had far too much misplaced empathy for him as he claimed to use it to medicate the adhd. My older, wiser self knows this to be the wrong way to go about it, but I fear dd is now doing exactly the same. She's like a carbon copy of him, down to the verbal abuse she's now going me when she doesn't have weed, being a mirror image of the way he treated her, which she claims is the reason she's sad and smokes weed. It's the textbook cycle playing out in front of my eyes. I sorely regret making her grow up with that. Dd2 could easily go down the same path but unfortunately now I'm not even there to mitigate when he has her and she thinks the sun shines out his arse

@CalistoNoSolo That may not have the desired effect, from the stories I hear!

You need to take her phone away to cut contact with her mates, get school involved, and ground her. I know it's probably not as easy as that but it won't get any better unless you're firm

Going by your latest post, counseling would be a good idea too

Because of course everyone can afford Boarding schools 🙄

I agree you need to remove the phone. And cash. I think it's drawing a firm line and boundary about what you'll tolerate. It's no use whipping yourself about her dad-you kicked him out, at least. Reinforce that boundary and show her you won't have it in your life or home. Make an appointment with the doctor, or if she refuses to go, go yourself and get help.

Also start talking to her about her underlying feelings. And about the future and what she would want from it if she felt better.

Anything subtle you can do about the friend , the better-such as all going out of town for at least a part of the summer stay with to friends, that sort of thing.

You are out of your depth.
There are professional people who know a lot about addiction.
Get your daughter off the weed and into a program.

Also the hobby requires that perhaps you need to borrow an uninjured animal. Can you do that or have your daughter become a mentor for another or involved in a creative but responsible way.

Weed can have long term effects on some people - like inducing schizophrenia etc.

@intothegreek is there a possible County Lines issue because of the availability of weed to her / her friendship group? I'd flag it as a safeguarding issue to her school if that's a possiblity.

Also, do you have any family members you can move her away to, so she starts school again in September away from her friendship group?

Sorry but I'm seeing more and more parents (not just on here so this isn't a targeted dig at you OP) saying they can't keep their kids in.
Yes you can. You're their parent ffs so be the parent and keep them home if it's what's needed. Yes school etc can help but it's never their job to step up and do the parenting. It's the parents' job.

With regards to your own situation OP no it's not futile to take her weed away. You'd be doing the right thing by doing that.
I'd ask her non-confrontational, genuinely interested questions like, what does taking weed provide her with that she can't find other ways? What is the benefit to her of using it? How does she feel things will look for her in a couple of years presuming she doesn't change anything she's currently doing? Find out what these things mean to her and go from there. Gentle, constant, supportive and open to listening even when it's really difficult for you both.
She's only 14, you have time to turn this around and it starts with realising that it's your responsibility to keep her home and safe so begin there. Best of luck.

I know it sounds easy keeping her in. I have locked all the doors before and I went into the kitchen to find her jamming the blades of a blender into her forehead. When she's making suicidal threats about being trapped in, it seems really not worth it as I'd rather she was out than dead. If she's bluffing, she's convincing. I'm not scared of her or scared to parent her, it's more trying to navigate the process.

My worry is that when she has no money, what other means does she seek to get drugs. County lines and physical exploitation are terrifying.

To add, it's also a rocky road cutting her off from her friends as then she's got nobody, that's not a great place to be either. She's been there and it's awful