Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To throw out dd (14) weed

98 replies

intothegreek · 10/05/2023 08:50

My dd1 14 claims to be addicted to weed. She has a new best mate who doesn't attend school and now thinks this girl is the best thing ever. Dd hasn't been consistent in school for about 6 months and has now given up. The wider friend group all smoke weed and her dad was addicted to it for our whole marriage until I threw him out.

Her main hobby is on hold at the minute due to injury, hoping to get her back to that soon. For the 6 months she's been laid up this has spiralled.

I know she can continuously get weed despite me not giving her any money as her friends all have it. I feel taking it away is futile but I don't know how else to help her. I can't ground her as she's physically much bigger than I can contain. Aibu to go for the continuous militant search and destroy method or can I handle this a better way?

She definitely needs counselling but won't engage. She says life isn't worth living without weed and obviously I'm the worst mother ever.

OP posts:
spring78 · 10/05/2023 10:01

If she is a carbon copy of her dad, have you tested her for adhd? She could get some medication that would actually help x

Swingstotheleftslidetotheright · 10/05/2023 10:02

Teenagers are horrible and she's at possibly the worst age of all so please be kind to yourself.

Engage school, the dr and any other agency you can find. Keep her occupied - under your supervision - every day. She sits at the table and does work after school, you go out together for a run in the evening, you do the shopping together etc etc house arrest but sell it as mother/daughter time. Explain this is the way until she proves she can be trusted. If she can maintain this for a period you mutually agree with her loosen the reigns a bit and give her more independence.

She needs to prove she's trustworthy before she's allowed as much freedom as you give her.

I assume she's into riding and at a fairly affluent school hence the weed issue? Can you find another stable and engage her brain there?

Garethkeenansstapler · 10/05/2023 10:04

Playdoughcaterpillar · 10/05/2023 08:53

You can't throw a 14yo old out, no. Have you asked the school for help? Drug services?

I knew the first response would be the school. They’re a school, not Talk To Frank, the responsibility we’re placing on them these days is mad.

You need to take her to the GP who can appropriately signpost

Swingstotheleftslidetotheright · 10/05/2023 10:05

Garethkeenansstapler · 10/05/2023 10:04

I knew the first response would be the school. They’re a school, not Talk To Frank, the responsibility we’re placing on them these days is mad.

You need to take her to the GP who can appropriately signpost

Show quote history

But school are probably already involved if she's skipping classes so frequently it makes sense they're in on the conversation

NoTouch · 10/05/2023 10:05

It is pure luck I haven't had these type of problems with my teen, so I don't have experience to advise you with.

In theory my reaction would be throw it out, cut all money and punish as I have zero tolerance for drugs, but the reality when it comes to a teen that is fighting against you it is so much more complex than that and you run the risk if you come down too hard she moves in with her dad which would be even worse (I have seen this before a couple of times - once with a niece who wouldn't talk to her mum for 3 years! and one of ds's classmates).

I really do think you need to involve every outside resource that would help you, whether that be family members, school, social services, drug/addictions advisors, police as the solution is likely to beyond the knowledge of most parents.

Otherwise I think you might be stuck with loving her, trying to divert her with other activities and letting her know you will always be there to support her kick the habit, but at the same time you cannot condone, enable or allow drug use inside your home.

recyclemeagain · 10/05/2023 10:05

intothegreek · 10/05/2023 09:42

I know it sounds easy keeping her in. I have locked all the doors before and I went into the kitchen to find her jamming the blades of a blender into her forehead. When she's making suicidal threats about being trapped in, it seems really not worth it as I'd rather she was out than dead. If she's bluffing, she's convincing. I'm not scared of her or scared to parent her, it's more trying to navigate the process.

My worry is that when she has no money, what other means does she seek to get drugs. County lines and physical exploitation are terrifying.

She's testing you and pushing boundaries as far as she feels she can to see how far you'll go. She's not necessarily doing so on purpose but it is exactly what she's doing.
Stay by her side, don't let her wander off to the kitchen on her own if need be. Be her shadow and make it clear that you aren't going to leave her or let her get herself into danger. You need to be the constant safe base in her life at the moment since she can't provide that for herself.
There will be other things going on for her to reach this point but stay firm and approachable. You have to.

Zizz · 10/05/2023 10:10

Could hypnosis help?

MovinGroovinBarbie · 10/05/2023 10:16

intothegreek · 10/05/2023 09:24

And with ref to her dad, he was a very high functioning addict self medicating adhd. I had far too much misplaced empathy for him as he claimed to use it to medicate the adhd. My older, wiser self knows this to be the wrong way to go about it, but I fear dd is now doing exactly the same. She's like a carbon copy of him, down to the verbal abuse she's now going me when she doesn't have weed, being a mirror image of the way he treated her, which she claims is the reason she's sad and smokes weed. It's the textbook cycle playing out in front of my eyes. I sorely regret making her grow up with that. Dd2 could easily go down the same path but unfortunately now I'm not even there to mitigate when he has her and she thinks the sun shines out his arse

I started smoking weed at 15 and carried on well into my 20s as it was the only thing that helped settle my ADHD. I always found myself unable to switch off otherwise even when exhausted.

I did try some ADHD medications but they always made me feel a bit odd. Now I just manage it with exercise and do a job where being fidgety helps.

CantFindTheBeat · 10/05/2023 10:19

Have you tried calling the 'Frank' drugs helpline?

They have excellent advisers you can speak to.

Original poster
intothegreek · 10/05/2023 10:22

@MovinGroovinBarbie the worrying thing is, she's a much more pleasant child when she's a bit stoned Confused it's terrifying where she could be in ten years if she doesn't learn to manage this young, she's just not got the mental capacity at the moment to project into the future and assess consequences.

Thanks for the frank suggestion, I never knew that was still running, remember the ads from when I was at school

OP posts:
Garethkeenansstapler · 10/05/2023 10:25

Swingstotheleftslidetotheright · 10/05/2023 10:05

But school are probably already involved if she's skipping classes so frequently it makes sense they're in on the conversation

Show quote history

They should be aware she’s smoking weed to make sure she doesn’t bring it onto the premises but it’s unreasonable to expect them to do anything more.

Swingstotheleftslidetotheright · 10/05/2023 10:27

Garethkeenansstapler · 10/05/2023 10:25

They should be aware she’s smoking weed to make sure she doesn’t bring it onto the premises but it’s unreasonable to expect them to do anything more.

Show quote history

Not really. Secondary schools feed into statutory bodies and are used to reporting on troubled teens. Many also have access to counselling services etc at the very least they can signpost OP to support.

NoTouch · 10/05/2023 10:28

recyclemeagain · 10/05/2023 09:36

Sorry but I'm seeing more and more parents (not just on here so this isn't a targeted dig at you OP) saying they can't keep their kids in.
Yes you can. You're their parent ffs so be the parent and keep them home if it's what's needed. Yes school etc can help but it's never their job to step up and do the parenting. It's the parents' job.

With regards to your own situation OP no it's not futile to take her weed away. You'd be doing the right thing by doing that.
I'd ask her non-confrontational, genuinely interested questions like, what does taking weed provide her with that she can't find other ways? What is the benefit to her of using it? How does she feel things will look for her in a couple of years presuming she doesn't change anything she's currently doing? Find out what these things mean to her and go from there. Gentle, constant, supportive and open to listening even when it's really difficult for you both.
She's only 14, you have time to turn this around and it starts with realising that it's your responsibility to keep her home and safe so begin there. Best of luck.

I am fortunate to have never reached this point, but I think you are being very naïve, and condescending, to think just "to step up and do the parenting" is a solution to a determined, absconding adult sized child.

Spidey66 · 10/05/2023 10:31

ChopperC110P · 10/05/2023 09:07

Addiction is a medical issue, call your GP to be referred to addiction services.

You don't need a GP referral for addiction services. You can refer yourself. Addiction services prefer this as it shows a level of motivation and willingness to address the issue. Unfortunately it doesn't appear the daughter is willing to engage, and in order to address this, she must want to change.

JustdontknoW2do · 10/05/2023 10:32

As a previous weed smoker until late 20s, advice I can offer is talk it out ( calmly and objectivity) point it out (even if the dads a waste of space, don't use him as an example) and as the adult relocate you're family if possible wish my family would have done this

If they don't work( being a 14 year old girl is hard) another trusted adult could point it out someone she likes or admires

Adhd referrals from gp and school maybe mental health assessment

Stay strong and hope it works out but don't throw out the weed 💯 it won't help if she can just replace it anyway just an frustration for her and you

Isitisit · 10/05/2023 10:32

Is she self medicating her ADHD like her father?

My husband did much the same at her age and now uses CBD for a similar reason. Exercise is another thing that helps - anything that gives a dopamine release.

Kanaloa · 10/05/2023 10:35

Have you reported it to the police? Someone is selling a child illegal drugs, it’s a bit worrying. You don’t know who she’s associating with to access these drugs.

Other than that I would definitely get in touch with drugs services. Try to ensure your daughter can’t access any money to buy drugs.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 10/05/2023 10:38

Don't take her phone your putting her at risk. Contact local drug services and go from there. They will have ways to help this is what they do everyday

Softoprider · 10/05/2023 10:41

OP I have said this before.. do whatever is necessary to get her off that stuff. Remove her phone and her money and do something about her friends because they are not her friends at all - they are weed smokers. Tell their parents - threaten them with the police - do anything to get her off that stuff before her life is ruined before your eyes. Flight risk? You mean what exactly?

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 10/05/2023 10:42

Softoprider · 10/05/2023 10:41

OP I have said this before.. do whatever is necessary to get her off that stuff. Remove her phone and her money and do something about her friends because they are not her friends at all - they are weed smokers. Tell their parents - threaten them with the police - do anything to get her off that stuff before her life is ruined before your eyes. Flight risk? You mean what exactly?

That she runs away which is why taking her phone is incredibly dangerous

Original poster
intothegreek · 10/05/2023 10:43

I have reported it to the police but they're struggling to find the guy. I sent him a message on her phone telling him to stay the fuck away from her as she's a child. He replied insinuating I thought he was a paedophile and he'd keep away from her but I don't think he has. Or at least he still associates with her friends. There's always another dealer though unfortunately, the solution lies with her.

The school nurse is on the case to suggest where I go from here, will also call frank. It's a fucking minefield.

OP posts:
JanuaryBug · 10/05/2023 10:45

intothegreek · 10/05/2023 10:22

@MovinGroovinBarbie the worrying thing is, she's a much more pleasant child when she's a bit stoned Confused it's terrifying where she could be in ten years if she doesn't learn to manage this young, she's just not got the mental capacity at the moment to project into the future and assess consequences.

Thanks for the frank suggestion, I never knew that was still running, remember the ads from when I was at school

Your child is much more pleasant when she's stoned because she's stoned. That's what the effects of weed are, they're doped out.

Your child needs an assessment for possible ADHD and mental health services, if they threaten self harm when they are grounded.

Flufs · 10/05/2023 10:47

She needs to know the long term risks to mental health. Keep it factual. Find something on the internet so it’s not just mum droning on.

secondly help her find an enjoyable job. Yes it means she will have cash but her self esteem will improve and having responsibilities, widening experiences will be positive.

tell her you will do random room searches. And do them when she is in or out, which ever works.

has she any nice friends? Help build contact with nicer kids.

look at alternative sports or hobbies.

Flufs · 10/05/2023 10:50

Also she’s vulnerable to county lines and drug trafficking, which is a police issue. Nothing is for free. There will be some catch.

Kanaloa · 10/05/2023 10:57

intothegreek · 10/05/2023 10:43

I have reported it to the police but they're struggling to find the guy. I sent him a message on her phone telling him to stay the fuck away from her as she's a child. He replied insinuating I thought he was a paedophile and he'd keep away from her but I don't think he has. Or at least he still associates with her friends. There's always another dealer though unfortunately, the solution lies with her.

The school nurse is on the case to suggest where I go from here, will also call frank. It's a fucking minefield.

Did you share these messages and the drug dealer’s number with the police? I would get back to them, keep harping in it and emphasise that your child is in danger with a grown man selling her illegal drugs.