To throw out dd (14) weed

[intothegreek]

My dd1 14 claims to be addicted to weed. She has a new best mate who doesn't attend school and now thinks this girl is the best thing ever. Dd hasn't been consistent in school for about 6 months and has now given up. The wider friend group all smoke weed and her dad was addicted to it for our whole marriage until I threw him out.

Her main hobby is on hold at the minute due to injury, hoping to get her back to that soon. For the 6 months she's been laid up this has spiralled.

I know she can continuously get weed despite me not giving her any money as her friends all have it. I feel taking it away is futile but I don't know how else to help her. I can't ground her as she's physically much bigger than I can contain. Aibu to go for the continuous militant search and destroy method or can I handle this a better way?

She definitely needs counselling but won't engage. She says life isn't worth living without weed and obviously I'm the worst mother ever.

It was all on Snapchat, they have his username etc. the messages were already gone between them beforehand as they dosappear. That's why dealers use it

I would move. Change school. Do anything to stop this from continuing.

Sadly, way too many kids are given drugs by their addicted parents.

I think it is perfectly reasonable that no drugs would be distributed on their premises. A pub would be at risk of being closed down, and it’s management team prosecuted, so a school should be held to that standard as a minimum.

Weed is not ‘addictive’ in the sense that nicotine, alcohol and opiates are. It can be psychologically dependence forming.

Also years of prohibition have taught us that simply banning things does not work. I favour a harm reduction approach. Many, many people use weed responsibly.

can you support her to put in healthy boundaries around weed? Something like Friday/Saturdays only, never first thing in the morning, only once she has fulfilled all her responsibilities for the week including school/homework etc.

can you invite this other girl over and her to know her? I don’t think being all disapproving is helpful.

Is that supposed to be helpful? She is putting herself in danger, never mind touching the fact that most weed is grown by slaves- and people like you are paying the worst of humanity to keep them there.

yes OP, enable your child to abuse you, and fund the atrocity of human trafficking, because some randomer on the internet found that this is what soothed their ADHD.

You've hit the nail on the head with the other parent. She's a low level dealer and has chosen to supply her own child as opposed to the child going to the Snapchat guy. I get her motives but I don't agree with them, and it means by default my kid has access to this supply. I know the obvious option is to cut the friend off but I fear that will tip my kid off the edge with her mental health. And realistically there are other means of getting it and new friends aplenty that will have weed.

I’m guessing the injured animal is a horse? And she’s in to riding. Can you not loan her another horse while this one recovers so she can get back in to her riding and away from the drugs?

If you go on her phone and screenshot the snapchat messages they will all stop contacting her immediately.

Maybe she is using it because she has a parent that's contemplating throwing her out at 14

Is she visiting her dad and doing drugs with him? Is he supplying drugs to her at his house?

I went into the kitchen to find her jamming the blades of a blender into her forehead. When she's making suicidal threats about being trapped in, it seems really not worth it as I'd rather she was out than dead.

Is she on the waiting list for CAMHS or is she refusing to engage?

It does sound like she needs assessing for ADHD - getting her back to her hobby does sound like a good plan -perhaps as other suggest try other exercised base hobbies in meantime.

I hope FRANK have some suggestions on how to proceed - because it's bloody hard getting compliance if they are refusing at that age.

I think I would be inclined to try and shift away from the friend with drug dealing mother - in fact shifting her social circle all round - to avoid further normalisation- but how possible that is without a drastic move is very debateable and then she may just find more people like it.

Except this is absolutely not what's happening as OP was contemplating throwing out the weed, not her own child.

Social services should be able to advise on local support. Not attending school should already have brought her onto some agency's radar. What are her school doing, the lea? You need to be very proactive even if that means social services involvement,

I’d contact social services and ask for their help, and any local drug support services through the GP. If she ends up with no qualifications or job try The Princes’s Trust.

She needs to be back in school. Take away all her weed and her phone so she can’t contact these friends. Be wary of her having internet access as she may try to do Only Fans etc for money. She is at risk of real exploitation.

I would say that your road in here is sitting down with her an explaining how hard it is for you to watch her smoke weed when it seriously impacted on her dads life in a negative way. I'd also try to educate her on what she is supporting by smoking it. And I'd explain that if she is addicted then it doesn't matter what the addiction is, it's not healthy for her physically or mentally and therefore she needs to make a choice in how she wants her life to go. And I'd say that as long as she's under your roof she needs to be at least trying to get on top of it with your support. I'd arrange counselling for her and try to get her involved with local youth services in your area so she can get support from youth workers and meet other young people. I'd tell her that you love her always, that you want her to keep living with you but that this won't be sustainable for you long term so it's time for you to work together to get her back on track before she is older and things are worse. I'd remind her nothing in life is free and if she's getting it on strap then at some point someone will come looking for payment in some form. Its so difficult op and I really feel for you. I'd be inclined to contact your gp as well and ask for help with addiction for her. A statutory body would have to keep her on their books until 18.

P.s I would also inform yourself on signs of cse and other exploitation so you can be vigilant. And I second princes trust they're great and so some really good early doors work like the Fairbridge programme.

You said she's nicer on the stuff.
For teens, a lot of the learning is about problem solving and managing minor conflict. She won't learn those skills if she's doped up all the time. In which case that difficult phrase will most likely last longer.

No words of wisdom. Just here to say I hear you. People who say "just don't let them go out" haven't ever been in your / my shoes. I am strict, i have boundaries and rules in place but there is literally nothing (bar throwing teens out which is never the right thing ) which works. Have tried taking phone away, locking doors etc... We are in a vaguely similar situation albeit with an older teen. Psychologist has helped her (and me) a bit but I need more help in dealing with it too. Quite frankly it's bloody awful at times and never thought I would be here. Here for support OP

Thanks so much for the supportive replies, especially those who 'get it'. I don't recognise this person, she's done a complete personality swap in the last 9 months from a mousy, compliant child, to an angry, sweary, defiant one. It's breaking my heart and it's so complex to navigate.

And to be clear, I did throw it out last night, she had a mini meltdown but went to bed reasonably quietly. I spoke to her today about my reasons for zero tolerance and my hopes to lead her into a nice life, not the difficult as shit one she's heading for. She came in tonight saying she missed me while she was out and fairly pleasant, claiming not to be stoned but I can't believe a word she says so who knows. Her new timetable starts on Monday for S4, so we'll see if she engages with that...

I think in reality you can't always stop a determined teen short of completely uprooting them. And even then they may just sniff out the, next lot of local stoners as you say.

It's better if she stops but tbh I've also known a fair few young lads who weren't very interested in education and instead went the trade route. They spent a few years driving around in vans stoned on the job all the time, but most seemed to kick it in their 20s and are now generally doing better financially than most of the office workers I know as tends to be the case with self employed tradesfolk.

Oh yeah, cutting her off from all her friends who also do drugs would be awful 🙄

This! She needs removing from the area and a new start. Her friends aren't good friends

Is her friend still on the schools radar? I'd speak to them about safeguarding concerns if her moms a dealer providing her child with drugs.

There's an app called Hub of Hope where you can find all the mental health services and charities in your area. It might be worth a look.