To throw out dd (14) weed

[intothegreek]

My dd1 14 claims to be addicted to weed. She has a new best mate who doesn't attend school and now thinks this girl is the best thing ever. Dd hasn't been consistent in school for about 6 months and has now given up. The wider friend group all smoke weed and her dad was addicted to it for our whole marriage until I threw him out.

Her main hobby is on hold at the minute due to injury, hoping to get her back to that soon. For the 6 months she's been laid up this has spiralled.

I know she can continuously get weed despite me not giving her any money as her friends all have it. I feel taking it away is futile but I don't know how else to help her. I can't ground her as she's physically much bigger than I can contain. Aibu to go for the continuous militant search and destroy method or can I handle this a better way?

She definitely needs counselling but won't engage. She says life isn't worth living without weed and obviously I'm the worst mother ever.

Find your nearest soup kitchen and let her see where drugs will lead. Show her the where she's heading and ask her if that's the future she wants for herself.
Knew someone who got given a harsh wake up call by being told by an addict what the reality of drug addiction was like and it scared them straight. Haven't spoken to them in years but they were doing OK last I heard so it seemed to have worked with them.

I can't quite work out what input school and the police have had but she sounds at high risk of child exploitation and so there should be far.more support for her and you as a family. She's also engaging in self- harm. Can you make a much bigger fuss ?

@Cc1998 have you ever experienced an isolated teenager that is too scared to leave the house because their anxiety about being alone is crippling? Seen your child roam the corridors at school with a hood up and head down being bumped past by all the happy kids when she's been ostracised because some little arsehole singled her out to turn the entire year group against her because of nothing but jealousy? No? Didn't think so.

Campus cop is trying to find the dealer but he must be low level as no sign of him yet despite me giving fairly specific details. School have put lots in place for her but she point blank refused to engage in any of it. Next stage is social work but tbh if she won't engage in anything I don't see the point in involving even more people. I said to them she actually needs less people as they're overwhelming her with all the people approaching her all the time. Definitely issues with her dad that need resolved, he's trying but they also need professional help for her to move on and not use his shitty behaviour as an excuse for hers. He's much better now but can still be a bit abrasive when he loses his temper. She flits from never wanting to see him again to being his best pal

ADHD and addiction often go together so it's possible she has ADHD.

Are you able to take her away somewhere just the two of you?

I remember my parents taking my teenage brother on a walking trip to get him away from negative influences. A few days away from "friends" and phones, and no where to run to gave them all chance to think and talk. He was still a moody git but he at least came back more focused on what he wanted from life.

Would she take up something like boxing?

So you'd rather she keeps her friends who are all giving her drugs then? Okay, you do you.

Sorry your the parent take control. Regardless of wether your giving her money for weed why no boundaries like no friends around or going out bans or phone bans etc. You can't throw a 14 Yr old out for goodness sake. You can stop all this with simple rules and boundaries etc cmon get a grip of this before it spirals into more than weed. She's a child your the parent.

She is using it to self medicate. To those that say you can prevent a teenager from leaving the house from experience it is difficult as they will find a way out even if it puts themselves at risk of harm. Mine would use a butter knife to unlock the windows. Removing the phone is not always the answer especially if she is a flight risk. No easy answer but it does get better, eventually.

@Louisetopaz21 thank you for understanding.

@LadyJ2023 the first thing I tried was hard discipline. She probably is medicating adhd, the school agree she's not malleable like the other kids. The more you challenge, the more risky her behaviour becomes to the point she will and does really hurt herself. She needs a different approach, I'm yet to figure out what that is.

What worked for me was that I had firm boundaries and would stick to it even when she used firm manipulation to say she would kill herself. Remove any medication and sharps and lock them up. Tell her you will have to contact the police/ambulance if she makes threats to her life and you think she is serious. Report any weed to the police on 101 and tell your daughter you are doing it and you will not be accepting of her smoking it in the house. When you say no stick to it even if she tries to blackmail you. Keep a diary of what has happened. Put together a safey plan. If she goes missing report her as missing to the police. Ensure you have a recent photo if she does go missing. Ask for support from social services they should have a specialised team who work with CCE and county line and they can disrupt friendships and others.

@Louisetopaz21 thanks for that insight, it's helpful.

And to be clear, I was talking about throwing the weed out, not my dd. Tempting as it feels some days, I'd never do that.

Horse?
Can you sort a share/loan or something to get her back with the horses?
An injured horse is very stressful and it also removes your own way of dealing with stress so I can kind of understand why she might have turned to weed. Any way of getting her back into horses would help, if you can't sort a share what about some weekend work at a local riding school or signing her up for the BHS stage 1 exam and training course?

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon the school have offered the BHS course as part of her curriculum! The horse trader we bought him from is convalescing him and it's been next week or two for months now which is why we never loaned in the mean time. He does seem to be on the mend now so fingers crossed we have him back in a few weeks. I wish we just loaned in the first place. She did mention getting yard work just yesterday as she's desperate for money so will look into that today. At least if she starts buying drugs she's going to quickly realise money runs out fast and how to prioritise!

I feel your pain. My son is 19 and weed has become his life, I suspected he was smoking it at a friends where the parents allowed it at age 15 but he denied it and his Dad my ex didn't take me seriously, at 16 he moved in with Dad and the problem spiralled. At his age now I cannot force him to engage with help available and I'm not sure you can at 14 but I really hope you can get through to your daughter? What is the hobby she has had to break from? Is it something that would be detrimented due to the weed effects? Could you maybe point that out? If it is a sport get her coach involved on speaking with her? My son played football but had given up by 15 or I would have tried to seek support from coaches etc

Has she been assessed for ADHD
Could you go private,get her on the correct ADHD medication and the need for weed might diminish obvs I know that's not overnight,but nothing is going to be overnight

Given she doesn't bother going to school I am not sure how school can help. Why aren't you getting her to school? Why have you allowed her to go out and buy weed? Sounds like you have little control of your 14 year old and that you don't see much wrong apart from now it has got out of hand and she is being abusive to you.

There's a lot of dodgy horse dealers around. It might be worth getting hom back from the dealer and sending him to a proper rehab livery.

As for the PP advocating harm reduction, that is appropriate for adult addicts and users, but not for children. The nuclear option is appropriate for children, and the impact of cannabis on developing brains is really serious.

I'm afraid I would be ending the friendship with the dealer mum's kid. That's sleepwalking into some seriously dodgy shit. I understand your concern about her not having any other friends...my DD was in a similar situation at this age and its distressing to deal with as a parent. But, this is a really dangerous friend.

My DD has decided that she will have children and get married when she’s 16. She’s 14 now and has constantly found ways to talk to boys. She’s in an all girls grammar school one of the best in the country with top grades, yet she’s obsessed with boys. None of her friends groups can control her, if she’s not meeting them on the bus she’s meeting them outside her bus stop. Her phone is on complete lock down but now I’ve found another phone she’s secretly been using to talk to boys which a boy has given her. This has been happening since was 9 years old. She told my wife yesterday that’s all she cares about, she does not want a career or a job just a baby and happy in a council flat with any guy it doesn’t bother her as long as she has a baby. I’ve taken her to some of the worst parts of the cites, shown her documentaries of single mums yet she doesn’t care at all. Not sure what else to do I miss my darling little girl. I’m thinking about changing her schools but my wife says she will still find a way.

Sadly she is wrecking her brain forever.

www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/how-teen-marijuana-use-impacts-brain-development#:~:text=Marijuana%20use%20in%20teens&text=Marijuana%20use%20among%20adolescents%20and,a%20range%20of%20emotional%20problems.

Sorry but you need to start your own thread

Go onto the relationship board and at the bottom of the screen pick "add thread"

Presumably you meant ‘DD’s weed’, not dd.

Get MN to make it clear!

It does seem a bit young but what would I know. I personally wouldn't keep throwing it out, if I just knew she would end up getting more. Presumably she will start hiding it more effectively?
I'd say you certainly shouldn't allow her to smoke in the house. You could tell her you were worried about the legal implications? Like not threatening the police exactly (as they probably wouldn't even do much) but making her think of the bigger picture. If she is saying she 'addicted' then take her to a drug service? She won't be happy probably but it might make her try and be a bit more subtle or at least cut down.

Zombie thread!