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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Buying a property together unmarried

112 replies

Breakfastbaguette · 10/05/2023 06:49

Just wondered if anybody has done this or split up and how things worked out for you.
I've been with my partner just over 3 years, lived together 2.5 years.
I'm 32 and he's 28, 29 start of next year. We aren't engaged, I asked him in March if he'd considered marriage with me as I'd like to and he said he hadn't thought about it yet, it was a massive commitment, not ready yet, none of his friends are married etc.

Fine, now the topic of purchasing a house together has come up. He's said he's happy to do this (well that's what he said at least). He hasn't mentioned marriage since so clearly not changed his mind, I haven't mentioned either.

Aibu to think it's too risky to buy property together if we aren't married? What if we buy it then a year later he still doesn't want to get married?
I don't want to seem like I'm putting pressure on him, but as I say it just seems too risky, it's not quite as easy as renting. Just wondered people's thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

Breakfastbaguette · 10/05/2023 06:51

In terms of earnings I earn about 4/5k a year more, hardly a massive difference I know.

OP posts:

Sissynova · 10/05/2023 06:52

It’s perfectly fine for two people in a committed relationship to buy a property together. Usually they would just make sure to do a dead of trust so that both their interests are protected.

Thats not the situation you are in. You have a fundamental disagreement about whether to get married or not. It’s not helped by the age gap as men usually marry older so he may not feel ready for years. Perhaps he will never want to.
Don’t buy a property under the assumption he will change his mind about marriage.

Woahtherehoney · 10/05/2023 06:53

I bought my house with my DP before we got engaged. It’s no riskier than buying if you are married to be honest as you can still split up! A mortgage is harder to get rid of than a marriage anyway so your position isn’t really any different.

if it’s just because you feel more secure then I do understand but if you’re waiting for a proposal that might not come then you might never buy a house.

just make sure you have all the legal rights in place which you have to when you buy anyway and you’ll be fine.

DustyLee123 · 10/05/2023 06:53

See a solicitor to discuss percentages, and get it as Tenants in Common so you both own a certain percentage in case of a split.

TeddyBeans · 10/05/2023 06:54

I'm not married and we bought a house together. My partner saved and put down the deposit whereas I was in rented so didn't have anything to contribute to the deposit. Part of our contract is a clause that states he gets his deposit back if we split - I insisted on it, I have no claim to that money. Otherwise we're joint tenants and would benefit 50/50 from the equity in the house after he'd got his deposit back.

You could do tenants in common but I don't know much about that.

Original poster

Breakfastbaguette · 10/05/2023 06:56

Thanks everyone, I'll have a think about it

OP posts:

DucksNewburyport · 10/05/2023 06:57

DH and I weren't married when we bought a house together. The solicitor produced documents about exactly what would happen if we split up, which luckily in our case were not needed.

Do you want kids, OP? Does he? The thing that would worry me is that if you split up for this reason it may delay things - it's quicker to split if you're renting.

wombatwomble · 10/05/2023 07:01

Buying a house together is moving to another level of commitment in the relationship. I know people who have done it and split up and it has caused all kinds of issues.

If you do it, you need to make sure that both of your names are on the mortgage and you have access to the deeds, and keep clear records of how much of your own money has gone into it. I know a few people who have overlooked this and it's been a nightmare.

But as someone above said, you do seem to have a fundamental disagreement about whether or not to get married. I think I'd want to be on the same page about that before buying a house with someone. If you want marriage and he doesn't, it's going to cause problems down the line.

Mortimercat · 10/05/2023 07:02

After three years he still hasn’t even thought about whether he wants to marry you? I think you can take it as a given that he isn’t going to marry you and so from that position, no I would not want to tie myself to someone financially by buying a house with them.

Ostryga · 10/05/2023 07:04

My friends have recently split up after having bought a house together out of marriage. It’s awful for them. One has started a new relationship whilst they still live together in the house, because they don’t want to pay mortgage and rent.

I would make sure you really sit down and discuss the plan for if you do break up. And both ensure you have enough savings to move out and rent and pay mortgage whilst you wait for the house to sell. Otherwise it gets messy quickly and is horrible for everyone involved.

Original poster

Breakfastbaguette · 10/05/2023 07:04

I've been told that 28 is fairly young these days for a man? Although he'd be 29/30 by the time we actually married I suppose.

OP posts:

wildfirewonder · 10/05/2023 07:04

It is fine, loads of people do it, you get a deed of trust drawn up.

However - be really honest with yourself about how you feel about him not wanting to marry when you do. I'd be having more conversations about that before I made decisions - it is not necessary to marry, but of one wants to and one doesn't that can either work out OK or be a recipe for unhappiness further down the line.

Does he want kids, do you want kids? What are his views WRT kids & marriage?

He doesn't sound as committed as you yet.

Original poster

Breakfastbaguette · 10/05/2023 07:05

I just wonder if I'm expecting too much after only 3 years?

OP posts:

OldTinHat · 10/05/2023 07:06

My 24yr old DS has bought a house with his partner of 8yrs. They're not married or engaged, they did so as tenants in common.

wildfirewonder · 10/05/2023 07:06

Breakfastbaguette · 10/05/2023 07:04

I've been told that 28 is fairly young these days for a man? Although he'd be 29/30 by the time we actually married I suppose.

It is younger than the national average for first marriages, but that is not relevant.

What matters is what you two as a couple want to do now and in the next few years.

Lcb123 · 10/05/2023 07:07

We bought a flat together unmarried, but we had discussed getting married and having kids. I’d be more worried about him not wanting to get married but you do - regardless of the property

PicaK · 10/05/2023 07:07

You purchase as tenants in common. You split up and you sell, pay off the mortgage and divide the equity between you. Not married so no other claim. If you buy any furniture keep the receipts as it will be legally yours.
But this isn't your issue - you're with a man who doesn't want to marry you

wildfirewonder · 10/05/2023 07:08

Breakfastbaguette · 10/05/2023 07:05

I just wonder if I'm expecting too much after only 3 years?

This is a personal question. Three years is plenty long enough for many people. For others it takes longer.

Do you feel he is committed, do you feel you are heading in the same direction on the same timelines, are you happy?

Don't wait around if he is never going to get there - but how you judge that is very difficult!!!

CherLloydbyCherLloyd · 10/05/2023 07:10

Ostryga · 10/05/2023 07:04

That situation would also happen if they were married though.

My partner and I own a house. Not married; probably never will. We are both on the deeds and mortgage; and we both have paid in equitably (highest earner has changed various times due to childcare etc but it’s always been fair) therefore it’s fair that the proceeds should be split equally if we were to split; therefore we have a document stating such with a lawyer.

The only consideration is inheritance tax if your property is over the threshold and one of you did.

Original poster

Breakfastbaguette · 10/05/2023 07:10

It is difficult, he has all the power. I could wait another year, another 2 years. I could leave after 2 years whereas he might have been ready by year 3 but then it's too late.

OP posts:

wildfirewonder · 10/05/2023 07:10

I would say don't buy a property if you have any doubts about the short-term future trajectory of the relationship as it is a PITA separating a house purchase.

DucksNewburyport · 10/05/2023 07:12

DH was 28 when we got engaged and 29 when we got married, but he was one of the first of his friends. As I said above, the thing that would worry me is babies rather than marriage (if you want them). Does he understand about a woman's fertility starting to decline in her mid 30s?

Original poster

Breakfastbaguette · 10/05/2023 07:13

I don't want children, not for a couple of years at least. But definitely don't want them ATM.

OP posts:

Original poster

Breakfastbaguette · 10/05/2023 07:14

I just want to focus on my career ATM and try to progress, save some money etc. I'm also in a poor place mentally and don't think it would be a good time.

OP posts:

MultipleVeganPies · 10/05/2023 07:16

He does not want to marry you

listen to him when he says that

he’s being honest about it

he sounds like he still wants to keep his options open for the future

don’t buy a house together, at this moment

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