Buying a property together unmarried

[Breakfastbaguette]

Just wondered if anybody has done this or split up and how things worked out for you.
I've been with my partner just over 3 years, lived together 2.5 years.
I'm 32 and he's 28, 29 start of next year. We aren't engaged, I asked him in March if he'd considered marriage with me as I'd like to and he said he hadn't thought about it yet, it was a massive commitment, not ready yet, none of his friends are married etc.

Fine, now the topic of purchasing a house together has come up. He's said he's happy to do this (well that's what he said at least). He hasn't mentioned marriage since so clearly not changed his mind, I haven't mentioned either.

Aibu to think it's too risky to buy property together if we aren't married? What if we buy it then a year later he still doesn't want to get married?
I don't want to seem like I'm putting pressure on him, but as I say it just seems too risky, it's not quite as easy as renting. Just wondered people's thoughts?

I completely agree with this.

Do not buy a property with this man until you are on the same page regarding marriage and children.

And don’t let him just brush you off with excuses like “I haven’t really thought about it” because this is about the future you want for yourself and you cannot give it up for a man on the hope things will work out as you want them to.

I know being 32 years isn’t classed as old…. but if you want marriage and children then you need to seriously consider whether you are willing to sacrifice this for a man who isn’t as committed to the relationship as you are.

Theee years is plenty long enough to know if you want to marry someone or not.

If someone can't commit to even the idea of marriage after three years together then I wouldn't do it, I'm afraid. I don't understand why people are so afraid of commitment.

If you do go ahead with it, then ensure you have an agreed plan in place if you break up. Keep note of who pays what, sign the mortgage as tenants in common so you look after your own financial interests, and what you do about any direct debits for house stuff (renovation work, bills, etc), how you handle making a profit on your property. Can you afford to rent and have a mortgage at the same time?

I had a friend who bought with her now ex-bf, and it turned into a 3 year battle including court dates and sky high solicitor fees, mainly because she refused to move even though he was the one who put in all the money so they could buy the house in the first place.

I think it's perfectly fine to buy a house with someone if you're both on the same page and unmarried, but it seems as you and your DP are not quite there.

I think you've answered your own question here. Men are often not bothered about marriage particularly if they have everything they want without it. When I was in my 20s my partner wasn't interested in marriage though he loved me and wanted to stay together/live together. I definitely did want marriage and children. He really wanted us to buy a place together and get on the property ladder but I knew if we did that (a) he'd have zero incentive to get married and (b) it would be a stupidly committed thing to do since I'd have to extricate myself but only from the relationship but the property/mortgage when things inevitably ended because we wanted different things. I bought a flat on my own though he did come to live with me. I felt "safer" knowing I was still in control of my destiny. Punchline - we did get married 3 years later (and are still married).

Also to add to the mix , if you do decide to buy together , and set up the relevant precautions , 100% you need to do wills . Would you want it to go to him or another person/s .

I bought a house with a partner, had children with said partner, he refused to marry (which I was fine about) and then broke up with him. I bought him out of the house and still live here.

One thing I would say is protect your deposit if you are putting a large amount in.

i would say based on conversations with my male friends and colleagues in my thirties, that men know if they want to marry someone within six months of a relationship starting.

Even when they met younger, they said they knew they were going to marry them. And those who left after 12 years before marriage said they knew they weren’t ‘the marrying kind’.

Inevitably the ones who weren’t the marrying kind were married sighing 18 months.

it depends what matters to you but men in their late 20s would hope to be with someone they’re keen to marry, even if they haven’t thought about the wedding details.

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but in my experience if a man you've been in a relationship for a few years in his late 20's says things like 'it's a big commitment, none of my friends are married', it means he doesn't want to marry you.

I wouldn't buy a house with a man for whom I am miss right now rather than someone committed to a future together.

There is the legal protection.

However what does marriage mean to you?

People meet at all sorts of ages, my sister is remarrying and is in her sixties, she was widowed a few year ago. But it does get harder as you get older. There is the whole the better ones have gone mindset, is that true? I may get lambasted for this but I do think there are less decent men than women overall.

If marriage is non negotiable to you then do not buy with him. Trends are changing with the age of first marriages rising. People will also let you know they had healthy kids at 40 plus and they do but it is harder.

I have known or known of too many women waiting for a proposal or children. They waste their most fertile years and then the bloke buggers off and marries someone he has known for a small amount of time.

In my experience when a man in a 3 year relationship in his late 20s/early 30s says he hasn’t thought about marriage is what he really means is - ‘I have thought about marriage with you, I don’t want that so please don’t ask me about it because I want to avoid the conversation’

It sounds like you areal not compatible on this issue OP.

Plenty of people buy together unmarried- it is a perfectly normal/common thing to do and as people have said you can protect your percentage share of the deposit etc.

However it's also ok not to want that. I wanted to be married before buying together, we talked about it, and we got married. My partner was younger than yours and we'd been together less time.

Ultimately the issue isn't "buying a property unmarried" (fine) but "buying a property with someone with different priorities/future plans" (not a very good idea)

I'm sorry because it's shit. Sending supportive thoughts to you

What @Artemi has written

Ultimately the issue isn't "buying a property unmarried" (fine) but "buying a property with someone with different priorities/future plans" (not a very good idea)

Hits the nail firmly on the head, don’t waste years hoping. Maybe with the biggest benefit of the doubt to him he hasn’t thought about it. Tell him to think about it on and off for a month and see what conclusion he comes to. Don’t demand, don’t debate just say think about it.

I am buying with my partner and not married, no intention of ever marrying. People buy property unmarried together all the time: it’s fine and normal.

The point for you is you want to be married. In a way the property is a bit of a red herring. The bottom line is you want to get married. If he doesn’t you have a problem.

Three years is plenty long enough to know how you feel about a partner, you are not expecting too much. You want different things.

This man does not want to marry you. Buying a property together will not make him want to marry you. If marriage is important to you, you probably don't have a long term future together.

You need to decide what is best for you and your life goals. If marriage is important then you have to move on of it isn't for him.

Three years wasted is better than getting old and realising you've been waiting for something that was never going to happen.

This was going to be my exact point.

what if he agrees to get married and then changes his mind six months after the wedding? There isn’t much you can do to stop that, and after such a short marriage you probably wouldn’t be any better or worse off.

perfectly fine not to want a long term commitment with someone not on the same life page as you though!

@Breakfastbaguette please do not think he has all he power. Be the master of your own ship.

It's important to you to be married. That's fine. Aim for that. No one should get married unless they want to, and I wouldn't want to marry someone who didn't think they were the luckiest man alive to have me

Don't give your DP an ultimatum. But it would be entirely reasonable to say you would only wish to buy a property together if you were married. And let him know that if you're not on the same page, you would consider moving on

Please don't be one of the many MN posters saying "we bought a house, had children, I gave up work, I held out for years hoping he would propose, he's now asked me to move out and I finally realise how financially vulnerable I am"

A man who is keen to marry you, will ask you to marry him.

Your DP sounds non-committal and you want to get married, so you are in fundamentally different pages.

Having been in a relationship with a man who future faked me for 7 years, I would leave now and find someone who is sure they want to marry you.

I wouldn't buy a house with this man; my EXDP very nearly didn't sign the sale papers, and could have made things very difficult for me, if we hadn't had DC who needed to move for specific reasons.

3 years is absolutely enough to know whether you want to get married to the person you are in a relationship with. Don't continue to put yourself in a position where your DP holds all the cards, while you just sit there waiting.

It sounds like you are ready for a much deeper level of commitment than he is. You are waiting for marriage, he isn’t. You are pushing the idea of buying together…
he needs to be there too, otherwise this is not going to work.
me and DP bought a house together without being married. But we were on the same page

Are you in an area where the market is very slow? Usually if you price it right you can move things pretty quickly. Even if you are renting, if you are locked into a contract you might not be able to get out of it for a number of months.

DP and I are not married but have been together 12 years, we both saved for deposit and took out mortgage together. We have two DC together and both have children from previous marriages. Neither of us interested in remarrying. I don’t feel financially vulnerable in the situation we’re in and can’t see any benefits to marrying.

Posters have told you how to sort out the housebuying legally.

However, what I would say that if you are hoping to take this step as a way of tying him into you, then don't do it. He has told you, more or less that he doesn't want to get married to you and really, my dear, three years is plenty of time to know if he wants to marry you.

After all, you know you want to marry him. Conversely, he knows that he doesn't want to marry you.

So, if you are buying a house with him purely as a financial project, then go right ahead following the practical advice of PP but don't make a fool of yourself by doing it, just so that you can continue to be emotionally involved with him.

It's pretty desperate.

Yes, but similarly you can be married and not committed - hence why half of all marriages end in divorce.

The only time I can see buying together before marriage as being risky is if only one person is on the mortgage/deeds, or if the financial input is uneven. Or, like I say, if inheritance tax is likely to apply - which is not a consideration for most first time buyers.

I nearly ended up in this position; I'm so sorry your EX is being such a nightmare.

The housing market is absolutely crazy where I am. It has slowed down very slightly in the past few months, but almost everything is going to a closing date within a few days of being on the market. And that is at all price points!

until he's committed to a long term shared future then absolutely don't buy a property together!!! i would say that 3 years together is usually plenty to know whether you see a long term future together or not and if you do want kids it may be a good time to decide if you want to " wait this relationship out" or not. I bought with my then boyfriend ,now husband, but we had the right paperwork and more importantly he knew that i needed and expected to get engaged within a couple of years of living together and he was in agreement with this . I think men quite commonly find it easy to fall into living together but if marriage and kids is important to you this needs to be in the joint plan somehow.